Need the prfect Response...

[NoMoreJuice!]

Parents of dcg3 is going through a divorce, dcg and mom moved in with mom's parents. Lately dcg has been bawling her eyes out at dropoff. Lingering is involved. I have been politely suggesting that the child is fine when they are gone, please can we just make it quick. Gma dropped off today and seemed angry at me for suggesting that the lingering is to blame and child is manipulating them. I texted mom after Gma left and told her dcg is great, playing with other kids (you guys know how it is, they get right down to playing as soon as mom/gma leaves).

I need a perfect response to this problem. I told mom the other day that she was being manipulative and it was working, because mom was still here holding her. I am getting very tired of it, does someone have a great politically correct way to squash all these unhappy goodbyes? I know about the byebye outside thing, I think that's my last resort since it's freezing out there now and I'm positive that will upset them even more.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

[CraftyMom]

Sounds like mom and gma are worried that dcg is having separation anxiety due to the divorce correct? That is understandable. What they need to do is have a nice heart to heart with dcg at home or on the way to your house, letting her know that they love her, they will come back, etc. So when they get there they can say goodbye and leave, and still know that dcg knows she is loved. They are trying to do all this at your house once they get there, when they should be doing it before they get there.

[Rockgirl]

I just take the child at the door--sort of "whisk them away" from the parent, haha. I start walking the child toward the playroom, telling him/her what we're going to do, who is already here, etc.

[Shell]

And send pictures! They will be relieved to see she is happily playing, especially if they are very worried about her!

[NoMoreJuice!]

I tried that the last few times, pulling dcg from their arms, and they both held on tighter, or took dcg right back from me. This is seriously exhausting, to the point that I'm about to term. What would you say to these people? I know it's out of love and concern that they're lingering, but I'm about to snap.

[ColorfulSunburst]

I used to work in a daycare where parents didn't come in during drop off time.
All kisses-hugs-loveyou-begoodboy took place on the porch.

[ColorfulSunburst]

I tried that the last few times, pulling dcg from their arms, and they both held on tighter, or took dcg right back from me. This is seriously exhausting, to the point that I'm about to term. What would you say to these people? I know it's out of love and concern that they're lingering, but I'm about to snap.

Invite them for a meeting and describe your drop off rules and let them know if they are not ready follow your rules you will term them.

[daycarediva]

I tried that the last few times, pulling dcg from their arms, and they both held on tighter, or took dcg right back from me. This is seriously exhausting, to the point that I'm about to term. What would you say to these people? I know it's out of love and concern that they're lingering, but I'm about to snap.

"Dcm, I realize that you're redefining your family and that dcg has some increased separation anxiety because of the major changes going on in her little life. I want my home to be a 'safe haven' for her, away from that stress and anxiety. The drop offs are carrying that over to here. Can you please give dcg a reassuring chat about when she will be picked up, by whom, where she will be going, and that you love and will miss her before coming in every morning? When you arrive, give her a quick kiss and hug and say goodbye to help minimize her anxiety. Dcg calms within seconds, and I am happy to send you a text/photo/whatever for you to see her engaged and happy shortly after you leave."

[Blackcat31]

"Dcm, I realize that you're redefining your family and that dcg has some increased separation anxiety because of the major changes going on in her little life. I want my home to be a 'safe haven' for her, away from that stress and anxiety. The drop offs are carrying that over to here. Can you please give dcg a reassuring chat about when she will be picked up, by whom, where she will be going, and that you love and will miss her before coming in every morning? When you arrive, give her a quick kiss and hug and say goodbye to help minimize her anxiety. Dcg calms within seconds, and I am happy to send you a text/photo/whatever for you to see her engaged and happy shortly after you leave."

This is good but I would almost suggest that the "reassuring talk" happen in the car.

I would not allow the "show" to keep being played out at your house with you as an audience.

If grandma or mom took the child back AFTER saying goodbye once, I'd ask them to just take her back home as the continual back and forth is only further confusing the child and that is NOT something I would be willing to be part of.

You home IS a safe haven and somewhere the DCG should be to feel safe not conflicted over the long drawn out good bye process.

I tell parents that I don't want their child to continue crying any more than they do and that if the child does not settle within 30 minutes, I will call for pick up.

Grandma needs to stop instigating the situation and making it worse. Feeling sorry for someone does NOT make a situation better, it only gives them the tools to use the situation as a bargaining chip and since not going to daycare isn't an option, grandma (and mom ) need to stop showing her (with actions) that it is. Unless grandma is willing to watch her...

[sugar buzz]

I went through this last year, with a 3-year-old boy. I came up with a routine and discussed it with him the night before. The next morning, in front of the parent, I said: "We came up with a plan. DCB, let's show mom/dad you're going to be just fine. Hug. Kiss. Fist bump...and then mom/dad needs to go to work." It actually worked because we replaced one habit with another.

[Rockgirl]

I went through this last year, with a 3-year-old boy. I came up with a routine and discussed it with him the night before. The next morning, in front of the parent, I said: "We came up with a plan. DCB, let's show mom/dad you're going to be just fine. Hug. Kiss. Fist bump...and then mom/dad needs to go to work." It actually worked because we replaced one habit with another.

I like this idea!

I have one that cries sometimes--I just take her, while saying, "She's fine after a minute or two. Have a good day, bye!" If gma actually pulls her back after that, it's definitely time for a chat, but I wouldn't bother saying the child is being manipulative. I'd say it's common, and it's best to all act confident that dcg will be fine at daycare, and see mom/gma later.

[NoMoreJuice!]

Thank you ladies, lots of great advice. The biggest one I struggle with is being confident, I don't want to seem like I'm brushing off the parent's fears, but at the same time I do want to seem like I've got this, you know?

I love the quote about redefining the family, daycarediva. Definitely going to steal that. Also Blackcat, you're totally right about it being a show. And the Oscar goes to...

I've decided to offer the dcm the option of doing the reassurance thing in the car and making her inside goodbye last less than 30 seconds, and if she can't handle that, she can do bye bye outside.

Hope everyone has an awesome hump day tomorrow!