Strong-Willed Children

[Josiegirl]

I am completely at my wit's end with this particular child. The last thing I want to do is let her go. I have posted about her before. If I say it's day, to her it's night. If I say black, then it's gotta be white. You get the picture.
Yesterday she comes in at lunch time from preschool, dcm says she had a good a.m. at school. I'm thinking alright! It's gonna be a good day! Hah! She was merely waiting to show her fangs cause within 10 minutes of being here, we were head to head. Over a simple thing!
She had 2 toys and brought 1 to a 2 yo to share. But the 2 yo didn't want it so the prek dck dropped it on the floor and left it. I told her how nice it was of her to think of her friend and share but she needed to pick it up and put it away. So I asked again nicely and when she continued to walk away I went in right behind her and said 'I asked you 2x nicely, and I expect you to pick up the toy so no one will trip over it'. She still refused so I brought her out and did it with her, with her screaming the whole way. When she started kicking me I told her she just lost the privilege of her kindle during nap time. She brings it most every day and LOVES it. So to lose that is one of the best carrots I can dangle in front of her.
Well, from there the day just went downhill, everything, and I mean every single flippin thing, was a battle of wills with her. She fights me on using the bathroom and I don't enforce the issue unless we're heading outside or to nap time. Because it never fails that if she doesn't go, she needs to as soon as we're outdoors or laying down. She wanted a quiet time box during nap yesterday and I gave her 1 as soon as she could be still for 5 minutes(believe me with her that's an accomplishment!). Well she saw the one I picked out for her and she starts ranting 'that's not the one I want!' I put it beside her and walk away. I wouldn't have given her 1 at all except the ranting would have escalated into nap time screaming.
I'm at my wit's end. Honestly. Some days aren't quite so bad but 80% are difficult.
Even another dcp jokes about if their child brings home any new 'things' from dc they know who to blame. And I know they're joking but they're also right. Their 2 1/2 yo(and now their 20 mo) both say Go Away and use the word poop all through mealtimes, play with their milk, use their eating utensils as drumsticks, you name it, they follow suit. It is getting exhausting keeping the peace.
Wow, seems I could write a book. Sorry.
But any help you can give, I would appreciate!!

[sahm1225]

Why don't you want to let her go??

[coolconfidentme]

I have that girl too, LOL! It's a control thing with her. Take the control back. They are your toys & you do not choose to share with rude little girls. Everything is a privilege & she has to earn her way back. Take everything away except one toy she doesn't care for. Make her shadow you & act like you enjoy it. Smerk & smile if you have to. She knows it gets to you, so show no sign it does. Fake it till you make it. No more, tomorrow is another day. It's when she has earned her way back in the fold. If she screams & carries on, sit her in the hallway & ignore her. Rinse. Repeat. Every. Single. Day.

ps.., When my DCG tried to slip back to her old ways, I gave her no slack. 1st time she tried to be head strong she is outta the play room & we start over. Period. She doesn't do it anymore cuz she knows I mean business.

[daycarediva]

Why don't you want to let her go??

This.

Also- it's only a matter of time until you lose another client over this girl. I know several people who would pull over a problem child's behavior rubbing off on their kid. I have a similar situation with a dck, and gave probation, and will be giving a term notice Friday. I have had kiddos picking up on the language, for sure. Parents are asking, the kids are old enough to tell... it's been a fiasco.

[daycare]

Strong willed children need choices so that they still feel they are in charge.

Would you like to pick the toy up with your hand or your feet??

I have some very spoiled rotten filty rich controlling children tht at one pint have said our maid does tht I don't have to.

I don't fight with children. You need to find a way to get her to listen to you. I promise if you connect with her she will listen to you

Also how you phrase things to a strong willed child is important

Instead of saying pick up that you please, I don't want someone to trip on it.
Turn it around.

Sally let's always be safe can you help me put this toy bck. Thank you so much for helping me keep everyone safe, high five.

She's hearing the negative command first

[midaycare]

Strong willed children need choices so that they still feel they are in charge.

Would you like to pick the toy up with your hand or your feet??

I have some very spoiled rotten filty rich controlling children tht at one pint have said our maid does tht I don't have to.

I don't fight with children. You need to find a way to get her to listen to you. I promise if you connect with her she will listen to you

Also how you phrase things to a strong willed child is important

Instead of saying pick up that you please, I don't want someone to trip on it.
Turn it around.

Sally let's always be safe can you help me put this toy bck. Thank you so much for helping me keep everyone safe, high five.

She's hearing the negative command first

Well said! And WOW to the spoiled children you have had!

I have a strong willed one. Her parents are at their wits end. But I just don't put up with it. I actually have a "cry spot". So if kids want to throw a fit, they go to the cry spot. This one goes on her own! Tee hee.

[Cradle2crayons]

Well said! And WOW to the spoiled children you have had!

I have a strong willed one. Her parents are at their wits end. But I just don't put up with it. I actually have a "cry spot". So if kids want to throw a fit, they go to the cry spot. This one goes on her own! Tee hee.

The cry spot works great here too!!!!

I've never met a child in my nursing or daycare history as strong willed as my 11 year old ADHD on the spectrum dd. Lord knows I love her, but my low blood pressure goes the opposite sometimes!! Not in anger, just occasional frustration.

Yes, it's still very important to have clear boundaries with all children. But with these, even more so. And choices, even when it's not letting them make actual decisions but THINK they do.

Also, finding her currency was a huge break through.

[daycare]

Well said! And WOW to the spoiled children you have had!

I have a strong willed one. Her parents are at their wits end. But I just don't put up with it. I actually have a "cry spot". So if kids want to throw a fit, they go to the cry spot. This one goes on her own! Tee hee.

yeah I have some parents that dont work anymore ( their parents pretty much support 100% of what they do, old money)

One of the parents claims to work for their parents company, but playing golf all day does not = work if you ask me.

Over time I have learned to deal with these difficult families/children

I have learned that the more positive our classroom climate is the more likely the chld will be motivated to learn.

when we show any form of negativity, irritation or appear angry, children's emotional safety feels threatened.

Those kids that are the hardest are normally the ones that I really take the time to get to know and build a strong relationship with. I want them to always feel safe and secure. letting them know that they are alwyas safe no matter what, I find that they are much less likely to act out and display negative type behaviors.

I also really try to be proactive instead of reactive. Ask myself often when and why is this child acting like a crazy nut with bad behavior. Then I need to look to see how I react to it. If you act with a negative reaction, more than likely you will get a negative response.

Most strong willed children need some one on one time, build trust, do something that you k now the child really likes to do. so if drawing is what they love, then sit and draw with them at some point in the day, Find what they are good at and focus on that.

if your focus is always on what are they going to do bad next, you are always going to have that frame of mind.

[NightOwl]

Either she runs the show at home or she may have ODD, oppositional defiance disorder, or something similar. If that's the case, it's going to be a hard road. That's a very tough disorder to work through. She sounds exactly like an ODD child I had years ago and he's still very difficult. He's 12 now and it's been a battle for mom since he was a toddler.

[KiddieCahoots]

I have that girl too, LOL! It's a control thing with her. Take the control back. They are your toys & you do not choose to share with rude little girls. Everything is a privilege & she has to earn her way back. Take everything away except one toy she doesn't care for. Make her shadow you & act like you enjoy it. Smerk & smile if you have to. She knows it gets to you, so show no sign it does. Fake it till you make it. No more, tomorrow is another day. It's when she has earned her way back in the fold. If she screams & carries on, sit her in the hallway & ignore her. Rinse. Repeat. Every. Single. Day.

ps.., When my DCG tried to slip back to her old ways, I gave her no slack. 1st time she tried to be head strong she is outta the play room & we start over. Period. She doesn't do it anymore cuz she knows I mean business.

......
I take back the control with simple instruction.

Pick up that toy and put it back here. Then I wait (briefly) and watch to see what they will do. If they stare at me without budging, I then give them the choice of....If you don't pick up the toy and put it away by yourself, I will come over and show you how. That's usually when they decide to do it themselves. ::...
If not, I go over, and give step by step instruction on what is to be done, while I guild them to do it. Pick this up...carry it here... put it here.
If they become spaghetti child and decide to make a scene, they go to sit somewhere away from us and get it out of their system there.
When they are done with the release, they come back and try again until it's accomplished.
After the instruction is accomplished, I reinstate what I was looking for....We put our toys away before we get another to play with, that's how we do it here at Ms. blah blah's, good job!
We have to keep in mind the reason they are taking stubbornness to such an extreme, because someone, somewhere has allowed them to do it elsewhere.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

My stubborn, strong-willed child is a product of his environment. One parent gives fuzzy boundaries and is a rescuer of her child and one parent gives no boundaries and is also a rescuer (rescuers do for the child what a child can do for themself while helpers help the child do what they WOULD do for themself if they could). So, he is pretty stubborn and thinks every adult will cater to his whims and he can just say no and nothing will happen...until he comes here.

He has been here for 2 years. He is now 4.5 and is my helper and boy, is he a great helper. When put in charge, he knows how to get things done and done well. He is rewarded with a sticker in his sticker book each day if he is a helper. I take every chance I can to affirm his positive attributes so he continues to make good choices and the amount of them grows. "Hey helper, I need for you to either help scrub down the lunch table with soapy water or help sweep under the tables with me. Which would you like to do?"

Does he still test boundaries? Oh yeah. He does. I will phrase what I WANT him to do positively and if he doesn't, when there is no choice to be given (with two outcomes that I like), then he is sent to go read books alone. If you mistreat my books, then you can just sit because books are a treasure. I check in and ask, "Are you ready to make good choices now?" He can honestly answer me at this point in the game, "No, not yet." "Okay, let me know when you are."

[Hunni Bee]

I have a kid like this, and it's my problem child who has so many other issues I cannot give into a power struggle with him.

If it's important, it's my way or the highway. You do it yourself or I'll help you. If it's something he has to do himself, it's either you do it or you lose something.

If I've asked him to do it, there's no choice. There's plenty of other choices for him to make during the day.

[Thriftylady]

I have this child. She is sixteen now and an awesome kid! But when she was younger it was horrible. I can tell you what worked for us, but please know that in order for it to work you, her parents and any other adult that is around her much has to change your behavior first. And if not every adult that is with her much does, it won't work in my experience. You also have to be willing to let her scream. I know, it isn't easy I did it but it has to be done. She has to learn that if you tell her to put a toy away, she is going to do it or she won't get to play with any. She has to learn that the quiet box you give her is the one she gets or she won't get one. The first thing I would do is take that Kindle. I would take it for a week. She would have to make it through that week behaving as expected or she wouldn't see it for another week...She will scream. And if one person ever gives in during that week, you are back to square one. I know you said you want to keep her, but if parents are not on board and won't do the hard work along with you, I wouldn't keep her for all the money in the world.

Mine is a straight A student in honors classes and a sophomore in HS who is starting college courses next year. She works all summer 14 hours a day at our church camp and would give you the shirt off her back. But I can only imagine where we would be had we not decided that she was going to behave. I honestly think had we kept behaving as we had (allowing her behavior) it would have been child abuse on our part. It wasn't easy but was worth it.

[Michael]

I have this child. She is sixteen now and an awesome kid! But when she was younger it was horrible. I can tell you what worked for us, but please know that in order for it to work you, her parents and any other adult that is around her much has to change your behavior first. And if not every adult that is with her much does, it won't work in my experience. You also have to be willing to let her scream. I know, it isn't easy I did it but it has to be done. She has to learn that if you tell her to put a toy away, she is going to do it or she won't get to play with any. She has to learn that the quiet box you give her is the one she gets or she won't get one. The first thing I would do is take that Kindle. I would take it for a week. She would have to make it through that week behaving as expected or she wouldn't see it for another week...She will scream. And if one person ever gives in during that week, you are back to square one. I know you said you want to keep her, but if parents are not on board and won't do the hard work along with you, I wouldn't keep her for all the money in the world.

Mine is a straight A student in honors classes and a sophomore in HS who is starting college courses next year. She works all summer 14 hours a day at our church camp and would give you the shirt off her back. But I can only imagine where we would be had we not decided that she was going to behave. I honestly think had we kept behaving as we had (allowing her behavior) it would have been child abuse on our part. It wasn't easy but was worth it.

I agree with this. I have two strong willed children. You have to be very strict in how you define reward and punishment. The littlest punishment is still a huge deal to these children. Reward to a strong willed child can simply be the status quo unless you define it in your actions. Reward is something special since its what happens when they "don't" do something that would otherwise get them punished.

[Josiegirl]

Thanks everybody, for all your input. I had a very strong-willed dd myself and today at almost 24, she's lovely and independent.

I had a talk with her mom the other night and asked her what techniques they use at home. She said when she starts her screaming fits, they send her to her room and when she quiets down she's allowed back out. I do use a crying spot. I talk to her about consequences and privileges.

They're having parent/teacher conferences this week and I'm wondering what her preschool teachers have said. I know she's been placed in the thinking chair a few times already. Couple times for screaming at the teacher. So many kids seem a bit timid to show their true selves, at least in the beginning. Not her.

Some kids I wouldn't bat an eye letting them go. I went to see her in the hospital when she was born. Then when she had some problems at about a yr. old, I went to visit her again in the hospital. I guess I feel a bond with her that I don't feel with every kiddo that passes through here. I'm not saying she's like one of my own but she probably comes as close as any dck ever has. It's not always easy just terming when you feel you can make a difference or at least hope you can.