Divorcing DCP's Are Making Me Uncomfortable, WWYD?

[melilley]

I have dc parents who are either getting a divorce or who are in the middle of a divorce. Dcm will ask me things about dcd and dcd will ask me things about dcm, they are all dc related. I feel so uncomfortable answering their questions, well it's mostly dcd. He just called and asked me what dcm was paying. Dcm quit her job at the end of August and moved dcb down to p/t, 2 days a week. She has been paying me the p/t rate. Dcd just called and asked me how much she pays and I told him that she pays the p/t rate because he only comes the two days. He then tells me that she is supposed to pay me the full rate because he pays her for daycare for ds. He then asked if I have receipts so I told him that I don't, that I give them to dcm since she is the one who pays. Then he asks me how long she has been paying the p/t rate.

I have been telling them facts and only things related to ds and daycare, but I feel uncomfortable. I don't usually tell the other what the other parents asks or says, I just answer their questions. Neither has said anything negative to me as to what I tell the other parent. WWYD? Am I handling this ok? All of the questions are dc related, but it's usually about what or how many days dcb comes or about pay. If dcm pays, is it ok for me to tell dcd what she pays and how many days he comes, well I guess I did already tell him. What is ok to tell the other parent?

[Cradle2crayons]

my response would be "please direct ALL financial questions to DCM"

the ONLY questions I would answer would be if DCD picks up and asks how DCK day was.

I would explain to both parents that I am NOT to be involved in THEIR issues AT ALL.

I don't do visitation swaps, I don't talk financial with the parent that doesn't pay me. I don't discuss anything related to the OTHER persons parenting or etc.

[melilley]

my response would be "please direct ALL financial questions to DCM"

the ONLY questions I would answer would be if DCD picks up and asks how DCK day was.

I would explain to both parents that I am NOT to be involved in THEIR issues AT ALL.

I don't do visitation swaps, I don't talk financial with the parent that doesn't pay me. I don't discuss anything related to the OTHER persons parenting or etc.

Ugh, I wish I would have said this to dcd. Too late now.
I got caught in the deer in the headlights moment and spoke without thinking.

[crazydaycarelady]

I think what you said is fine. Dcd has a right to know what the financials of dc are, especially if he is paying, and especially if the contract was signed by both. If dcm is cheating dcd then she is putting you in the middle.

[daycare]

I have not had a chance to read all of your post or responses, I just jumped on for a second.

Have you ever read BCs letter to parents that are splitting up?

I am sure if you ask her, she will give it to you. It is an EXCELLENT letter...

just like the rest of her stuff.....

[NeedaVaca]

I have not had a chance to read all of your post or responses, I just jumped on for a second.

Have you ever read BCs letter to parents that are splitting up?

I am sure if you ask her, she will give it to you. It is an EXCELLENT letter...

just like the rest of her stuff.....

Exactly! Use her letter, it's great!

[Blackcat31]

I have not had a chance to read all of your post or responses, I just jumped on for a second.

Have you ever read BCs letter to parents that are splitting up?

I am sure if you ask her, she will give it to you. It is an EXCELLENT letter...

just like the rest of her stuff.....

Exactly! Use her letter, it's great!

Aw you guys make me feel so loved.... lovethis

:hug:

[Blackcat31]

melilley here is the letter I use for divorcing parents. You are welcome to tweak it in any way you need to...

Dear Families,

Over the years I have noticed my role as child care provider can often create the impression that we are extended family. Because your child's welfare is so important, this care and nurturing can create an intimacy between us that makes us feel more like family than business partners. As a home daycare provider, I strive to foster this sense of community, and to provide the closeness you will not find in a child care center.

However, there does need to be well defined boundaries in certain areas. Some of you are currently in the process of redefining your families, and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind all of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember should you wish to keep you child enrolled at (name of child care facility):

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. Do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation. If you need to do a "switch" where the child moves from one parent's care to another during the course of the week, choose someplace else to do so.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously. I know money is a primary point of contention in many separations -- do NOT make me ask for payment for my services or you will find yourself looking for a new child care provider.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past. I will NOT document anything other than legitimately suspected mistreatment, so don't ask me to spend time evaluating your ex-spouse's parenting skills or capability as a parent. If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability. I operate an honest business and consider my integrity and trust two hallmarks of my home.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation. My home is a "Home away from home" for many children and I need to consider the welfare of ALL my families when making decisions. I am a child care provider -- not a mediator or evaluator.

In summary, please minimize to the greatest degree possible, any disruption to your child's regular day at my home. Separation of a family is a big issue to young children, and my home may be the place of stability where they can work through their emotions and confusion.

If you have questions about your specific situation, or really feel there are issues regarding your ex-spouse we need to discuss, please call me at 555-555-5555

[melilley]

melilley here is the letter I use for divorcing parents. You are welcome to tweak it in any way you need to...

Dear Families,

Over the years I have noticed my role as child care provider can often create the impression that we are extended family. Because your child's welfare is so important, this care and nurturing can create an intimacy between us that makes us feel more like family than business partners. As a home daycare provider, I strive to foster this sense of community, and to provide the closeness you will not find in a child care center.

However, there does need to be well defined boundaries in certain areas. Some of you are currently in the process of redefining your families, and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind all of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember should you wish to keep you child enrolled at (name of child care facility):

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. Do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation. If you need to do a "switch" where the child moves from one parent's care to another during the course of the week, choose someplace else to do so.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously. I know money is a primary point of contention in many separations -- do NOT make me ask for payment for my services or you will find yourself looking for a new child care provider.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past. I will NOT document anything other than legitimately suspected mistreatment, so don't ask me to spend time evaluating your ex-spouse's parenting skills or capability as a parent. If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability. I operate an honest business and consider my integrity and trust two hallmarks of my home.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation. My home is a "Home away from home" for many children and I need to consider the welfare of ALL my families when making decisions. I am a child care provider -- not a mediator or evaluator.

In summary, please minimize to the greatest degree possible, any disruption to your child's regular day at my home. Separation of a family is a big issue to young children, and my home may be the place of stability where they can work through their emotions and confusion.

If you have questions about your specific situation, or really feel there are issues regarding your ex-spouse we need to discuss, please call me at 555-555-5555

Thank you so much bc, this letter is perfect!

[NoMoreJuice!]

That is so well-worded and exactly what I've been wanting to say to one of my families! Thanks so much for sharing, Blackcat!!

[LysesKids]

Here is what I have in my policies regarding divorces etc... feel free to use what you might need

CUSTODY ISSUES: This daycare has no legal authority to refuse either parent the right to pick up their child unless a court has granted temporary or permanent custody to one parent or to a third party and I have been furnished with a copy of the order bearing the court's signature. I will write ONE CONTRACT per family and take payment from the contracting party only; if parents share payments, it's between them on how one parent gets the fees from the other. The following was put in because of problems years ago that I do not want to repeat...

1. All custody issues must be resolved outside of the childcare; this includes paternity cases. If accusations are aimed at me because I refuse to take sides, I will sue the parents in court for liable and any damages that were done (this includes slandering my business and false charges called into CPS).
2. Problems between custodial & non-custodial parents or involving me in disputes in anyway will be cause for immediate termination after ONE warning. Non-notice termination fees will apply.
3. I MUST HAVE custody paperwork showing in writing the terms including visitation rights and they may not interfere with my home life or business.
4. Should I be subpoenaed into court to testify, the parent that had subpoena issued will be required to pay IN ADVANCE for ALL lost wages for the days I have to close; this causes a hardship not only for me, but to the other families in care.

NON CUSTODIAL PARENTS
1. Non custodial parent's must call and make an appointment to visit the daycare. The custodial parent must state in writing the terms of the visit and allowable times and it must match court documents. This also applies to phone calls and texting.
2. Non custodial parents that cause problems when picking up their child at the daycare will be permanently barred from the premises. If you show back up, you will be charged with trespassing.
3. Do not call and ask me for information about your child. You will have to obtain this from the custodial parent.
4. Do not call and ask if your child is in care. I am not at liberty to divulge this information to anyone than those authorized on the child's forms. If you want this changed then go through the custodial parent for authorization. I am a daycare provider, not a mediator for custody issues.

[MarinaVanessa]

4. Should I be subpoenaed into court to testify, the parent that had subpoena issued will be required to pay IN ADVANCE for ALL lost wages for the days I have to close; this causes a hardship not only for me, but to the other families in care.

I'll look into this more but from what I understand you can't require payment for being subpoenaed. If you are served with a subpoena then it's a court order and you HAVE to attend no matter what unless you can prove that doing so would be a huge hardship (you have to file something to the court and convince them that you can't attend. Usually this is because of medical reasons etc.). Employers are not required to pay for these days however some do.

Also I am currently in a situation where I need to go to a court hearing and will be using FCC provider friends of mine as character witnesses and I discussed with my attorney that these providers might have a difficult time attending the hearing due to financial reasons as well as inconveniencing their clients and my attorney brought up the topic about how they could be subpoenaed if necessary and then they would have to attend whether they wanted to or not . It turns out that it won't need to come to this but I was surprised to hear this. You may want to look into the legality of that in your area just to make sure.

[LysesKids]

I'll look into this more but from what I understand you can't require payment for being subpoenaed. If you are served with a subpoena then it's a court order and you HAVE to attend no matter what unless you can prove that doing so would be a huge hardship (you have to file something to the court and convince them that you can't attend. Usually this is because of medical reasons etc.). Employers are not required to pay for these days however some do.

Also I am currently in a situation where I need to go to a court hearing and will be using FCC provider friends of mine as character witnesses and I discussed with my attorney that these providers might have a difficult time attending the hearing due to financial reasons as well as inconveniencing their clients and my attorney brought up the topic about how they could be subpoenaed if necessary and then they would have to attend whether they wanted to or not . It turns out that it won't need to come to this but I was surprised to hear this. You may want to look into the legality of that in your area just to make sure.

I put the one clause there because a set of parents dragged me into their fight years ago ( when I took older kids) and 2 years ago another mom tried it before she even contracted with me; I know it won't stop a legal paper from being served on me (I use to serve them before I did childcare), but I hope it makes a family think twice before doing it - I hate being in the middle of some else's mess... as a single mom this is my only source of income (I'm widowed, not divorced so no $$ from ex). BTW, this policy of mine has made my life nicer because I haven't had any families start as a separated couple or even consider a split, but then I only have my "bubalas" for a year, maybe 16 months because I do infants only.

BTW, the parents aren't my employers, I AM

[DaveA]

I get financial plans for divorced/ separated DCPs in writing & refuse to discuss one half's financial stuff with the other. I'm very blunt with parents that I've dealt with too much crap from divorcing parents to let me or my program get put in the middle.

4. Should I be subpoenaed into court to testify, the parent that had subpoena issued will be required to pay IN ADVANCE for ALL lost wages for the days I have to close; this causes a hardship not only for me, but to the other families in care.

I would check with an attorney on that one. In most jurisdictions requiring compensation for complying with a subpoena is illegal.

BC- I like that letter. Definitely getting stolen for later use.

[LysesKids]

I get financial plans for divorced/ separated DCPs in writing & refuse to discuss one half's financial stuff with the other. I'm very blunt with parents that I've dealt with too much crap from divorcing parents to let me or my program get put in the middle.

4. Should I be subpoenaed into court to testify, the parent that had subpoena issued will be required to pay IN ADVANCE for ALL lost wages for the days I have to close; this causes a hardship not only for me, but to the other families in care.

I would check with an attorney on that one. In most jurisdictions requiring compensation for complying with a subpoena is illegal.

BC- I like that letter. Definitely getting stolen for later use.

My last statement in the policy is more for deterrent than anything... I never said the court was responsible for payment, I said the parent causing issues was . Never said I ever collected $ either, it's just a warning, they don't have to know if I could legally enforce it... it's also not in my contract, just my handbook and my contract was checked by an attorney, so I know it's good