Am I being mean?

[blueskiesbutterflies]

I recently posted about my 16 month old daycare boy who is crying all the time over wanting everything to be HIS way. With him, he wants to walk around with food (which is a big no no as you all know) he gets up and I tell him to sit down while he is eating. He will go back and sit down, but the second my back is turned he is up again. If I sit with him, he will try to get up and I tell him to finish eating before he gets up. He will then make his body stiff and scream to the top of his lungs. Well, I am sorry that makes you upset, but this rule applies to EVERYONE including you my little prince

The way I do my daycare, I use only my family room for my daycare. It is very large and has it's own bathroom. Of course I have a lot of really wonderful toys ranging from painting, coloring, puzzles, blocks, riding items, dolls, kitchen center, truck and cars, balls, games, and much more. With the other children, they play content during group time, but not my prince. He stands at the baby gate and demands to roam the "family part" of my house. He has been here two weeks and has already broken my expensive gate and its door leading into the kitchen. He will run and push it, which knocks it down. Now, it is lose and does not stay up if you barely hit it. So I blocked off the gate with kids size toy shelves (it is safe ) so he will try to move the shelves and stand there and scream wanting out. Once, he got over the gate while I was changing diapers and just wondering around SMILING!!! Are you serious?!?!

I will not let him have a bottle or blanket all day. Not only is he too old, it is against regulations, and a safety issue. He keeps tripping and falling over this stupid blanket!!!!

I have been doing daycare for over 20 years and never had a child that did not give in after their 2 weeks!!! But he is relentless!

He eats, he sleeps, and when he is outside he does not cry. A few days this week he did stop crying about everything and started playing, but he pulls peoples hair and takes toys away from them. When I tell him no that hurts he looks at me and lets out a loud scream. Not I am sad type of scream but more like he is cussing me out! I know that sounds silly, but that's how it feels. NEVER has a tear let him eye during his screaming and crying. NEVER! He cried for 4 hours straight till he went to sleep and I do mean no stopping for even a second.

I took the advise on here and tried a crying chair, which by the way is a really good idea. But, I have to physically put him in the chair and he will make his body stiff and flat out refuse. To keep him in the chair would be me haivng to physically hold him in it which I do not want to do.

So today, I decided I am going to flat out ignore him, no eye contact, no talking to him NOTHING. So, he is standing right in front of me as we speak SCREAMING at me without one tear holding his hands up at me to pick him up. Well, am I mean? Because I will divert my attention to a well behaved child and not pick him up nor look or say anything to him. I think he wants that negative attention! You cannot give him positive attention because he looks at you and will make a face like GROSS and he will say EWWWW. Before when he cried he never stood in front of me and screamed but walked around. It is like he is trying to get some reaction from me.

I told him mom that he drinks out of a big boy cup here and he must sit down while he is drinking and eating. She gives him a bottle because he throws the cup and her and will not stop crying until he gets the bottle. Well, you throw your big boy cup here and you will lose it until you sit down and drink like the other children.

My ears are ringing and it is testing my very ability to stay cool and continue to ignore him. I wish just from 5 min. you were my child my little prince! LOL

So, I took the bottle, blanket, restrict you from walking around in the house area (due to safety reasons and it not being regulated as the daycare room is), and ignore your naughty screaming! So, am I a mean bad provider? I am questioning myself that I am being mean to this child!

_Please, any suggestions??? ANY!!!!

Pamela - Blue Skies Butterflies Edu-Care

https://www.blueskiesbutterflies.com

[Shell]

Nope! All you can do is try out a new menthod, as you haven't had success with other ones thus far. He is looking for negative attention- sad! He had to learn this from somewhere/someone but at your house you are being firm and consistent- great job! I will caution, though, that if you don't see improvement soon, he might need to move on to a new daycare- I would not want to deal with that everyday!!!

[blueskiesbutterflies]

His dad came to pick him up 2 hours late yesterday. He paid for next week because he is off work today. Dad told me, "I am off tomorrow (FRiday..today) but his mom is bringing him because I just cannot handle him. I cannot do it" Yeah their solution, he is crying and will not stop run as fast as you can and give him what he wants. He is boss of the family. SAD...

I am thinking of dismissing him.

[Baby Beluga]

I don't think you are being mean at all. Perhaps ignoring his negative attention seeking behavior is just the kick in the pants (metaphorical of course!) that he needs.

[blueskiesbutterflies]

Baby Beluga

Yes, that is what I was thinking...seems to be working a little. I wish I could video him and show you all. You would not believe how he looks at me while he is screaming. It is like he is yelling at me not expressing being upset, but like he is mad and yelling..LOL

[Blackcat31]

NO! You are not mean.

You are simply having to be extra firm because someone taught this little guy that screaming works. And so far for him it has. Just not with you.

As for the ignoring his screaming crying behavior, I think you are spot on but I would not allow him to follow you around and cry/scream/whine. I would have either a PNP or a gated area (like one of those hexagon shaped toy yards) and I would use that as his crying spot.

Each and every time he screams or cries, pick him up without words and place him in that area. Tell him when he is done screaming, he can be out. When he stops crying/screaming, immediately remove him. Rinse and repeat.

He WILL get it with a little (actually a lot) of consistency and swift and immediate consequences.

I personally would not even allow the blanket to be brought back and forth from home to care but if you do allow it, I would keep it out of sight at ALL times other than nap time.

If he drops, throws or tosses his cup. Take it away. He is telling you he doesn't want it. So take it. Don't give it back until the next meal or snack.

Same with getting up. If he leaves the table, say "Oh I see you are done eating" then take his food. Do not give it back.

He WILL figure out really fast that he must remain seated and hold onto his cup or he will not get either.

That is NOT with holding or denying a child food because you offered it and he refused (by getting up or throwing the cup). The continual returning of his food and/or cup is just teaching him that HE is in control.

If you don't return it...he learns not to let it go or refuse it until he is really and truly done with it.

As for the pushing the gate down, you need to set up some boundaries for him. Start by laying a towel or blanket in front of the gate. THAT is the boundary. Teach him not to cross it. Eventually you will be able to remove the towel/blanket and he will just know not to cross the boundary line. I have gates on all my rooms but I rarely close them as all the kids are taught to not cross over a certain area without permission.

Here is a great video about how to teach a child boundaries: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGa9BURyIw0

Good luck! These determined ones are tough to deal with! Just be glad he isn't yours and he goes home at the end of the day

[DaisyMamma]

His dad came to pick him up 2 hours late yesterday. He paid for next week because he is off work today. Dad told me, "I am off tomorrow (FRiday..today) but his mom is bringing him because I just cannot handle him. I cannot do it" Yeah their solution, he is crying and will not stop run as fast as you can and give him what he wants. He is boss of the family. SAD...

I am thinking of dismissing him.

I would seriously consider terming. The parents are the cause of his spoiled behavior and they won't change. As he gets older it will only get worse.

[KSDC]

Good advice already. The only thought I have to add it about the getting up and wondering with food.
I would probably put him in a booster seat with a seat belt. Tell him that if he can't follow the rules, then he has to have a seat belt.

[Blackcat31]

Good advice already. The only thought I have to add it about the getting up and wondering with food.
I would probably put him in a booster seat with a seat belt. Tell him that if he can't follow the rules, then he has to have a seat belt.

Careful, in some states/areas that is considered confinement and lots of providers are not allowed to do that.

If a child wants to get down, they are suppose to be allowed to do so.

Of course, not being allowed to leave with the food though is ok.

[Heidi]

BC suggested a pnp, but I bet that little dude can escape that, eh?

Instead of a "crying chair" I would use a "crying spot". Something softer, like a big pillow on the far side of the room. I say "Your whining hurts my ears. This is the whining spot. When you are done whining, you can come play". Then, I put them down facing away from you and walk away. IF he fights and bucks...he's on a soft spot.

If they get up still crying, I say "you are still whining, you may get up when you're done". Rinse and repeat.

I am not shaming them, I am not telling them they aren't entitled to their feelings (although I am thinking ). Only that they can't make everyone else suffer for their feelings. Real-world applicable, I think.

As for the meal time thing; he may not be ready. If you can put a seat belt of some sort on his chair, I'd start with that. Get everyone else seated first, then him, and say "come on, honey, it's time to have a yummy lunch! Ok, here's your chair. Yay! Alright, now let's buckle up so you're safe".

He needs you to be roses-and-sunshine when you see even a glimmer of positive behavior. Ignore the "eww". Make it into something silly. "Did you say MOOOO? Like a cow? Ha ha! That's so silly!" Then walk around and be a cow for a minute. Then, switch to a dog. Take away any power that his "eww" gives him; diffuse it!

Since he isn't ready for you to cuddle him, just do little touches. A quick hair stroke, a pat on the back, a smile, or a "I've got my eyes on you" thing with your fingers/eyes. Flirt with him a little.

You've got to have a little empathy for him! He's 16 months old, doesn't know you, doesn't understand your rules, lost his blanket, lost his bottle, and he's scared and confused. 16 months old!

And NO! You are not setting unreasonable expectations or being "mean". But, you do have realize that this is HARD for him!

[CraftyMom]

I recently posted about my 16 month old daycare boy who is crying all the time over wanting everything to be HIS way. With him, he wants to walk around with food (which is a big no no as you all know) he gets up and I tell him to sit down while he is eating. He will go back and sit down, but the second my back is turned he is up again. If I sit with him, he will try to get up and I tell him to finish eating before he gets up. He will then make his body stiff and scream to the top of his lungs. Well, I am sorry that makes you upset, but this rule applies to EVERYONE including you my little prince

The way I do my daycare, I use only my family room for my daycare. It is very large and has it's own bathroom. Of course I have a lot of really wonderful toys ranging from painting, coloring, puzzles, blocks, riding items, dolls, kitchen center, truck and cars, balls, games, and much more. With the other children, they play content during group time, but not my prince. He stands at the baby gate and demands to roam the "family part" of my house. He has been here two weeks and has already broken my expensive gate and its door leading into the kitchen. He will run and push it, which knocks it down. Now, it is lose and does not stay up if you barely hit it. So I blocked off the gate with kids size toy shelves (it is safe ) so he will try to move the shelves and stand there and scream wanting out. Once, he got over the gate while I was changing diapers and just wondering around SMILING!!! Are you serious?!?!

I will not let him have a bottle or blanket all day. Not only is he too old, it is against regulations, and a safety issue. He keeps tripping and falling over this stupid blanket!!!!

I have been doing daycare for over 20 years and never had a child that did not give in after their 2 weeks!!! But he is relentless!

He eats, he sleeps, and when he is outside he does not cry. A few days this week he did stop crying about everything and started playing, but he pulls peoples hair and takes toys away from them. When I tell him no that hurts he looks at me and lets out a loud scream. Not I am sad type of scream but more like he is cussing me out! I know that sounds silly, but that's how it feels. NEVER has a tear let him eye during his screaming and crying. NEVER! He cried for 4 hours straight till he went to sleep and I do mean no stopping for even a second.

I took the advise on here and tried a crying chair, which by the way is a really good idea. But, I have to physically put him in the chair and he will make his body stiff and flat out refuse. To keep him in the chair would be me haivng to physically hold him in it which I do not want to do.

So today, I decided I am going to flat out ignore him, no eye contact, no talking to him NOTHING. So, he is standing right in front of me as we speak SCREAMING at me without one tear holding his hands up at me to pick him up. Well, am I mean? Because I will divert my attention to a well behaved child and not pick him up nor look or say anything to him. I think he wants that negative attention! You cannot give him positive attention because he looks at you and will make a face like GROSS and he will say EWWWW. Before when he cried he never stood in front of me and screamed but walked around. It is like he is trying to get some reaction from me.

I told him mom that he drinks out of a big boy cup here and he must sit down while he is drinking and eating. She gives him a bottle because he throws the cup and her and will not stop crying until he gets the bottle. Well, you throw your big boy cup here and you will lose it until you sit down and drink like the other children.

My ears are ringing and it is testing my very ability to stay cool and continue to ignore him. I wish just from 5 min. you were my child my little prince! LOL

So, I took the bottle, blanket, restrict you from walking around in the house area (due to safety reasons and it not being regulated as the daycare room is), and ignore your naughty screaming! So, am I a mean bad provider? I am questioning myself that I am being mean to this child!

_Please, any suggestions??? ANY!!!!

Pamela - Blue Skies Butterflies Edu-Care
www.blueskiesbutterflies.com

This must be the twin brother of my dcg! She started here at 15 months. The mom admitted that she knew she was doing wrong by dcg by giving here everything she wanted, coddled her, held her constantly at home. She was the youngest in the whole family so EVERYONE bowed down to her...aunts, cousins, grandparents. Dcg carried around a bottle, 2 blankets and pacifier all day long. She was rocked when she cried and her milk in her bottle was warmed to the perfect temperature. I told mom that those things would not happen here.

Dcg was just like your boy, it was horrible! But she wanted my attention ALL DAY LONG. If I moved an inch from her side she screamed bloody murder. The second she got what she wanted she turned off the crying until she wanted something else. I ended up using the pnp as her crying spot...she wanted to cry, she went in there until she was done.

I gave her zero attention while crying. After 2 weeks no change. After 3 weeks no change. I told the parents I would give it one more week then I was DONE. I had a 6 dck's including an infant and my patience was wearing super thin.

Miraculously after 4 very long weeks she suddenly got it!

She is now close to 2.5 and has been here for a year and is a wonderful daycare child! I am so glad I stuck it out! But every minute was agonizing.

[KiddieCahoots]

I had a stubborn one that ruled the roost like this.
Is he very intelligent?
Mine was and even after all the training that we did, dcb would still try the inappropriate first, because that worked at home. When that wouldn't work, dcb moved onto positive, which was what we wanted, but it had to be so exaggerated, and all about that child and nobody else, that if we didn't keep up this pace, it went back into negative.
Without having to say, it was very exhausting, and aftrer 2.5 yrs thankfully term'd.

[Play Care]

You've gotten some great advice on how to deal - at 16 months I feel like all those things are manageable - using a buckled seat WHILE eating, having a crying spot, etc...

Buuuuut, I'd still be inclined to term. Dad was over TWO hours late because he can't deal with the mess that he and mom created.
I'd only be willing to work with them if they were working on it at home AND following my rules (picking up on time...) the fact he was two hours late for pick up is a deal breaker for me. They seem to lack any sense of personal responsibility and I just could not deal with that.

This can be a difficult job and color me lazy, I *refuse* to make it more work than it has to be.

[KSDC]

Careful, in some states/areas that is considered confinement and lots of providers are not allowed to do that.

If a child wants to get down, they are suppose to be allowed to do so.

Of course, not being allowed to leave with the food though is ok.

Would it be considered confinement if the child is allowed down as soon as they ask to be done? Is there a defined age that the child can't be in a seat belted high chair or booster seat? I assume that babies are supposed to be seat belted into a high chair while eating.
Not arguing, just wondering how that works.

At my table, the child would be seat belted. As soon as he asked to be excused, I would let him down - without the food.

[Blackcat31]

Would it be considered confinement if the child is allowed down as soon as they ask to be done? Is there a defined age that the child can't be in a seat belted high chair or booster seat? I assume that babies are supposed to be seat belted into a high chair while eating.
Not arguing, just wondering how that works.

At my table, the child would be seat belted. As soon as he asked to be excused, I would let him down - without the food.

Honestly, I don't know for sure. My state (or my area at least) doesn't have that rule.

I've just read a lot of posts here about that being considered confinement.

I would think the seat belting in WHILE eating would not be considered confinement and as long as they are able to get down when they choose to, I don't see that as being confinement either.

I think seat belting in a child purposely to keep him at the table despite their want to get down would be what I meant.