Why, Why, Why??? WWYD?

[Live and Learn]

lil butterfly: I agree with you on this.....
When a lil one asks why when I have just told them to do something I do say "because I said so"......I cannot stand the "back talking why". I answer all why's ....just sometimes the lil ones don't get the answer they were expecting or hoping for!::

[DancingQueen]

I have a dcg about 1.5 yrs old. She asks "why?" all the time. I giggle and usually I give her an answer because she is cute. Her dad is driven insane by it.. He tells her "because I said so" This morning she was talking on her play phone and it went like this.

"e i e i o. why? sedso why sedso on e farm e i e i why? sedso tinkle tinkle lit-oh sar why? sedso"

[boysx5]

I have two who asked why all day and I always because

[countrymom]

I think after a while it becomes a games, so I ignore them and redirect them (I pretend i don't hear them) but thats funny that this mom thinks its a big issue, I would start my conversations with her with "why"

[nannyde]

Okay so you have two things going on here. The child is misbehaving and the parent is misbehaving.

The child:

When children use "why" repeatedly it is a "term of engagement". It's a word or phrase used to get you to "do" them. Small children learn the word why causes adults to stop... pay attention to them... talk to them... and the best thing ever KEEP doing it if the child repeats the word.

The word "why" doesn't mean anything to this child. It wouldn't be any different if she was saying the word "just" to you. Now there are times when the word "why" would come up in a child's speech but you KNOW intrinsically when the usage of the word is genuine and when it is a term of engagement. The little thing in your gut that goes off when she says it to engage you... listen to that ... it will be correct a hundred percent of the time.

So the best way to get her to stop using it specifically for a term of engagement is to answer her with "WhyCuz" and follow it with what you DO want her to do at that moment. In my house this would be "WhyCuz? Go play toys".

Now you can pick something other than WhyCuz. Just make a word that uses the word she is using and then attach something one syllable to it. You can say WhyFrog... WhySky... whatever. The most important thing is to follow it with what you want her to do. WhyCuz... go sit down at the table. WhyCuz... go wash your hands. WhyCuz turn around. There HAS to be a prompt for her to DO something. You can't leave it open to her reengaging you with her response. You can't say "WhyCuz... what do you want to do right now?"

You don't even have to be stern about it. Just be matter of fact. Respond to her in a straight way and expect her to DO what you want her to DO.

So you are changing the scene from her wanting to get YOU to DO her to YOU telling her to DO... whatever.

If she doesn't go play or go to the table or go wash her hands THEN the consequence for not doing what you want HER to do goes into effect.

This technique works pretty quickly. A week or so. When she does ask you a real WHY question then you answer it. If your gut is dinging that it's not sincere and doesn't have anything to do but to get you to DO her then use the attached word and prompt.

What this system does is tell her that the word now has another meaning. When it's intended for the purpose of engagement (she may want to stall, to have your undivided attention, nicely REFUSE what you are asking her to do before she says why, have you justify why you are or are not doing or expecting something etc. then the engagement doesn't work. Once it quits working she quits doing it.

When a child can say "why" the inexperienced parent is gobsmacked by it. It's really one of the first signs that the child is able to really sort their world and interact with their parents beyond basic concrete thinking. Because the parents reaction to it is SO strong the child senses that this is a very powerful word that when said... gets the adults to pay heed. Once they pay heed the child then sees that they can pay heed for a way longer time and way more often as long as they put out the word. So this word captivates adults and the child then uses it to capture adults.

You just got got

Now where the parent comes in is a whole nutter kettle o fish.

What the parent is saying to you is that her child is able to tell her specifically what is happening in your care.... THAT'S HUGE... and that the child has an opinion... that she feels that her childs opinion is a top priority... and that if you want to continue caring for her you better think the same.
She's telling you that she is paying you for this and/or if she is state funded that she is giving you this opportunity to get the money and you better get to gettin and do it. She will know if you don't cuz the kid can obviously tell her.

The Mom doesn't get to command you that you must keep her daughter happy at all times. She doesn't get to come in and tell you how you are to respond and what you are to do minute to minute. If the child is constantly doing this she is taking over your minute to minute. The Mom doesn't get to say words just like her daughter is trying to get you to do what SHE wants you to do. Her request is unreasonable and it's not for the benefit of you or your group. The kid is in group care so one child doesn't get to take over the adult and what the adult does with the other kids. Sorry... but not even for her very intelligent daughter who got to do it at her other babysitters house.

Tell the Mom that you don't think she understands the use of the word "why" and that you are working with her to help her understand it. The best solution for everyone is for her and her daughter to sit down every evening and write out all of her WHY questions that her daughter doesn't feel were properly answered. Then Mom can answer the questions she can and then supply to you a list of the WHY questions the Mom is unable to answer. This will give the Mom an opportunity to see for herself what WHY questions she has and possibly she will understand that indeed she doesn't understand the word. You will take that list and when you have time at the end of the day you will have a "why" conference with her daughter.

This will give the parent something to really DO when her daughter and she insist that you DO what her daughter wants you to DO. If her Mom agrees that the child can monopolize an adult with the WHY's then let it be her.

This way you are exacting discipline on both of them for their misbehaving. It's like the "writing sentences" grade schoolers do when they get in trouble in the classroom.

[SandeeAR]

I have a dcg about 1.5 yrs old. She asks "why?" all the time. I giggle and usually I give her an answer because she is cute. Her dad is driven insane by it.. He tells her "because I said so" This morning she was talking on her play phone and it went like this.

"e i e i o. why? sedso why sedso on e farm e i e i why? sedso tinkle tinkle lit-oh sar why? sedso"

It is amazing what you can learn when they talk on play phones! My 2.5 y/o dkg was really telling a child what for on the phone one day. It was a boys name I had never heard. We are close with this family, go to church with them etc. I knew it wasn't a cousin or a kid from church.

I told Dad about it, he laughed. It was a little boy that bugs big sister at school. When big siste plays school, he is the one always in trouble. Little sister was just copying it!

[nannyde]

Oh and one other thing:

What I do with "my" kids... who have all been here since they were itty bitty babies... is different than what I would do with a new kid who was trying to seize the power.

With my kids they all go thru a phase when they try the why. They are successful at home and they ALL go thru a time when they try it on here to see if it works.

It doesn't.

My general way with them is to tease them mercilessly with torture in mind. :: We are a very teasing group.

So when they try it on here I always tell them to go ask the youngest baby in the house who can't even talk.

Nan: Go clean toys Little Missy.
Little Missy: Why
Nan: I dunno go ask Little Sluggo
Little Missy: Little Sluggo can't talk.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.


I learned this one on Elf. ::

I say "yes he can" in five languages with seventeen inflections. The kid says "no he can't" in EVERY possible way they can THINK to say it.

I will not surrender until the kid busts out laughing.

Then I tell them to go clean toys.

I always try FIRST to kid them out of it. If it doesn't work then I go on the WhyCuz plan. My kids have been with me their whole lives so they try to get a rise out of me whenever possible. I allow it all in fun but DO make the point.

I wouldn't do this with a kid that didn't get "us" in the first place. "us" is me being in charge and not allowing a kid to fixate on anything ever. My kids know the drill but they also know when enough is enough. If she can get the point thru humor than try that. If not I would do the WhyCuz plan.

[QualiTcare]

"The word "why" doesn't mean anything to this child. It wouldn't be any different if she was saying the word "just" to you."

i agree. my sisters were old enough to remember me saying HUH? all the time. i don't remember it.

they still talk about it. "i'd say move and you'd say HUH?" "i'd say are you an alien and you'd say HUH?" "i'd ask you your name and you'd say HUH?" apparently it annoyed them really bad to be able to remember it so long.

i assume saying HUH? got whoever i said it to to repeat themselves or "do" me ::::

[jen]

LOL!

I have one that says,

"Are ya' making lunch Jen?" Which, obviously I am. After I say yes, he just continues:

Are ya making lunch, Jen
Yep
What are you making?
Chicken and Potatoes.
Are you making chicken and potatoes?
Yes, M
Jen, Are you making chicken and potatoes?

Now, if I say Yes, M, we are stuck in a loop so I say, NOPE! Beans and Franks. We just keep gonig like that, with my lunch suggestions getting weirder and weirder, until he starts laughing or returns to...

"Nah, your making chicken and potatoes." At which point, he is done.

[nannyde]

My ten year old does it with WHAT?

Oh my ... makes me insane.

I now answer with WHAT?

And then he repeats "what did you say"

I say "i dunno.. I forgot"

Then he goes on and on about that he didn't HEAR me and what did I say. I again say "I don't remember".

After five rounds of that THEN he repeats what I did say.

Sometimes I just change it too just to mess with him.

When he says "What" I say "you are grounded for seven weeks". He does the "no you didn't say that .. WHAT did you say?"

rinse and repeat

[laundrymom]

I say... Because I asked nicely and uses my manners. Or... Why so YOU think?

[Unregistered]

"Why?" versus "Why?"

I like answering legit "why" questions because it's an exchange of information and I've found that my kids really absorb information when they ask the question and I answer it. I love those "why's". The "why's" that I really hate to hear are the time-buying "why's" and the whining "why's".