Plan Of Action - What To Do - How To Tell Mom

[earlystart]

I was in a similar situation before...this 3 y.o. boy had TERRIBLE mood swings and being disciplined would set him off on a screaming tantrum where he'd scream "NO" over and over and couldn't calm himself back down. At the time I didn't know what caused his behavior, but I told his parents about it and they seemed embarrassed and offered to pick him up any time he lost control like that. Well, of course I felt too guilty to ever call them to pick him up because that's not really a solution anyway, and would only teach him that he can get out of my rules/discipline if he threw a bad enough tantrum. I had a conference with them and said if things don't get better in a month then I would term them. I also told them while it's not required, I think it would help tremendously if he was on the same schedule as everyone else: go to bed earlier, get to school before 9am, so he has enough play time to be tired enough to rest at nap. They admitted they knew he should be on an earlier schedule and that they'd have to do it eventually when he went to kindergarten anyway, so they started bringing him at like 8:50am and he was very tired. He started to take naps eventually, even though he wouldn't fall asleep until our nap was almost over, but I let him sleep 2 hours, because if he didn't sleep he was way more likely to throw a crazy tantrum. So in hindsight, I think his behavioral problems were mostly due to a lack of sleep. I stuck strictly to my rules, and if he threw a tantrum and it scared the other kids I would put him on the other side of the baby gate in the hallway to scream it out, and I would ignore him and go play with the other kids like normal. He began to fall in line, and I would praise him whenever he followed the rules. Eventually he started telling me every time he followed the rules "Look I pushed my chair in" for example, and I think I really turned this kid around. There were times where I wished I had just termed him, but I feel like I did society a favor by "taming" this kid instead of passing him onto the next provider.

Now, having said all that - I wouldn't go through that ever again unless I couldn't afford to term. If I had a good waiting list lined up, I wouldn't put the other children through the stress of having a kid who is physically or emotionally violent. The reason I had kept that boy, is because I had the child's cousin who they referred and I didn't want to split up the cousins, or have both families leave, so I stuck it out.

So my point in sharing my experience is that maybe it is a lack of sleep and slacker parenting - and if you need the money for this client to stay, then you can put the parents on probation, let them know what you think can be done to help the situation, tell them if they're willing to make these changes, then you're willing to stick it out during this probationary period to see if this will improve things. After putting forth that effort on your part, it's up to them if they want to accept this opportunity, or they can get termed and have this problem at the next place.

[Leigh]

Had a long response typed out and DS hit refresh.

First to quoted - no, I do not think that him waking at 9 (although TBH I think it more like 930/10am daily) causes violent or aggressive behavior. I asked her to please wake him earlier as he was totally disrupting nap time.

This behavior is new. It is an escalation.

DCB (and his sibs) take up 3/4 of my spots when they are here. They were originally PT. It worked and he behaved very well for 2 months. Then they went full time and then we started having issues.

First slapping at me and screaming no when I told him something in a matter of fact voice. (As in, "DCB, you must take your shoes off. DCB, you may not throw toys. DCB, walking feet inside.") Then, he called me a b***h. Then he started pretending to bite me with a "do you see me doing this?" look on his face. He pushed my DD once (like a shove for no apparent reason). He has never hurt anyone besides that (other than maybe not being careful but nothing I haven't seen other kids do, too, like not paying enough attention to where they walk and trodding on toes - accidental stuff). So in total, he would yell, called me a B a couple times, would hit at me, smack me occassionally (immediate time out), smack AT me a lot, threaten to bite, kick at me, scream his bloody head off at nap time. Horrible, horrible, horrible behavior. I've asked for advice here before but didn't get many replies. I will have to go check (I bet they all say "BTDT TERM NOW" and I'll feel like a moron).

Then today. He was evidently out late and slept in.

He came here. It was hot and he was wearing a hoodie that was thick because he wanted to... Okay. I guess that should be a huge sign to me that mom really lets them run the show.

Anyway. This is exactly what happened. He picked up the toy baseball bat (plastic) and started haphazardly swinging it around. I told him, "DCB, you almost hit DCG (sister) please be more careful." Screams no throws it down runs off. Comes back, grabs it, runs to side yard where DD is just dancing, and without even saying hi to her that AM goes to whack her in the head. I have been close to him and I grabbed it before he could do it. He went to time out. He asked why a million times (I don't know if he really doens't understand or just doesn't have any concept of hurting people or what). He was in time out a few more times for yelling at me and hitting at me. Nap time finally rolls around (less than 3 hours after arrival) and we all lay down (well, not me - I wish). He just screams. Chants my name louder and lourder and louder. If I go to comfort him, he would kick, bite, or hit me. I was shaking mad. I mean, I was furious when he tried to hurt DD but a 3yo doing that to me just pushed me over the edge. I was a step below yelling at him. I was literally questioning whether or not I should just call for pick up.

I think that says enough, typing it out. He knows exactly how to get a reaction out of me. My own kids don't push me that far or that hard. They know their limits. This kid has none.

I have seen terrible behaviors in children who don't get enough sleep (Mondays were terrible for one family that I termed-the kids just had NO bedtime-10, 12, 2...whenever they fell asleep. They fought naps at my house, too, because the lack of sleep made the kids more resistant to sleep. I told Mom that the kids were on probation. I insisted that she start putting them to bed at 8:30 (they got up at 6). Kids that age need 12 hours a day. I told her to put them to bed (not start getting ready-IN BED at 8:30). She said they WOULDN'T. I told her to get them on melatonin-she resisted. I insisted. Those kids started sleeping at night AND napping at my house.

Their behaviors improved tremendously. Things were great for a short while. After about 6 weeks of good behavior, things slid again. Mom had quit the bedtime routine and they were monsters again. Just as your child and worse (unprovoked violence, destructiveness, swearing, disruptive behaviors-any naughty thing you could think of, they did). I just couldn't take any more of it, and they had to go. I doubt sleeping in is the issue-I'd bet that staying up late is more the issue.

Just imagine how you would be if you were getting 3.5 hours of sleep every night. These kids often get the equivalent of an adult sleeping for about that. I'd be a jerk, too!

All that said, there could be other issues, but sleep is one thing that is EASY for a parent to fix. Parents asking that their 2 year old don't nap infuriates me...their kid not going to sleep has nothing to do with napping at daycare-it has to do with parents not setting priorities and making their child's needs #1. A parent who can't get their child in bed before midnight certainly has no control in other areas, either.

I have to agree with the others...I'd term. Start looking for replacement kids and term as soon as you can.