When You Have Nothing Nice To Say...

[Blackcat31]

I do the opposite. I'm not in the business of building their self esteem. We are plagued with Generation Me with their over inflated sense of self. I'm not going to participate in creating ANOTHER generation of praise junkies. One is enough.

I like giving kids TRUTH. I don't want to be on the hook for shoveling out words that I think are disproportionate to the moment.

I like this:

Hey Scooby... belly up to the table and grab a crayon and some paper. It's time to color.

Scooby colors.

Hey I think that grass needs a little more pink. We don't have enough pink grass. It should be in every picture not just Easter pictures. Your thoughts Scoob?

Instead of:

Scooby do you want to color? Ok then go sit and color. Oh Scooby I can tell you love coloring. Is that pink grass? That's the best looking pink grass. You are so creative Scooby. Good job.

The praise circuit BORES me. It's unnatural. I like real conversation. I like simple. I think kids shut down when you do unnatural praise. They shouldn't get praise just because they are kids. They deserve real praise when the person with them FEELS like giving it.

I really don't worry about jealousy. I know it sounds kind of cruel, but jealousy is not my problem to fix...it is the child's. If the child with bad behavior feels bad about it, he knows that doing what he is supposed to do can prevent it in the future (or fix it now). I would never hurt a child's feelings on purpose, but if a child is misbehaving, I try to get them to recognize that for themselves. If there is a "punishable" offense (like hitting), I ask the offender "what happens when we hit others?" Child answers: "I get a time-out". I respond: "It's time to go to time-out, then, until you are ready to follow the rules". Once a kid calms down enough, we can discuss what happened, what we will do next time we feel angry, and ask if the child is ready to apologize. If yes, time-out is over, if not, we wait.

If a child feels bad because his behavior was bad, that is NOT a bad thing. That's a GOOD thing. It means that he is probably not a sociopath (and I DID have one in my daycare in the past), it means there is still hope for him to be a decent person as he grows up. A child SHOULD feel some regret/shame/etc. if he is acting like an animal, or violent, or whatever. It's OK. What's not OK is to stand on your chair and pick your nose and the dinner table and insist on being praised for it.

BOTH these replies sum up my thoughts too.

Praise is HIGHLY over rated and imho, the basis for good self-esteem should come from within and from home, where morals, values and ethics are taught with a much deeper impact that generic phrases providers/teachers throw out there.

I also do not like participating in the cycle of "me, me me" that Nan mentioned and believe similarly to Leigh about the jealousy issue.

Kids SHOULD experience those negative feelings so they can learn how to achieve the positive ones and that process, while seemingly sad, is necessary.

[CraftyMom]

I do the opposite. I'm not in the business of building their self esteem. We are plagued with Generation Me with their over inflated sense of self. I'm not going to participate in creating ANOTHER generation of praise junkies. One is enough.

I like giving kids TRUTH. I don't want to be on the hook for shoveling out words that I think are disproportionate to the moment.

I like this:

Hey Scooby... belly up to the table and grab a crayon and some paper. It's time to color.

Scooby colors.

Hey I think that grass needs a little more pink. We don't have enough pink grass. It should be in every picture not just Easter pictures. Your thoughts Scoob?

Instead of:

Scooby do you want to color? Ok then go sit and color. Oh Scooby I can tell you love coloring. Is that pink grass? That's the best looking pink grass. You are so creative Scooby. Good job.

The praise circuit BORES me. It's unnatural. I like real conversation. I like simple. I think kids shut down when you do unnatural praise. They shouldn't get praise just because they are kids. They deserve real praise when the person with them FEELS like giving it.

Yes!

I give credit where credit is due, but I don't go out of my way looking for things to praise about.

Kids NEED to know that not everything they do is golden and they are not the best at everything.

Kids don't need big heads leading to them feeling entitled any more than they already do today. You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones whose parents never say no and overly praise everything..."Wow you blew your nose! You are SO good at that!" These are the kids that end up thinking they can do no wrong because everything they do is SO wonderful! Yuck!

Don't get me wrong, I let my kids know when they've done good, but more like nannyde's tactic...when they go above and beyond and it is noticeable and praiseworthy. I don't go looking for things to gush over.

When I do give praise, I don't worry about hurting feelings. Like I said not everything a child does is praiseworthy, they need to know that. Yes their friends are better than them at something, but then there are things that they are better at than their friends. Let them learn that now.

[nothingwithoutjoy]

I was also going to recommend the Alfie Kohn article. Made a HUGE difference in my teaching (and later, parenting). My co-teachers and I, after reading it many years ago and being blown away by how right it seemed to us, cured ourselves of the habit by mockingly saying to each other "good praising!" (as Kohn mentioned in his article) when we caught each other falling back on the habit. It worked wonders, both to remind us, and to emphasize how silly the praise was in the first place. (Seriously, would you ever say to another adult, "I like the way Wednesday's praising!"? I believe in talking to children with the same respect you'd show another adult.)

[Stepping]

This is a great discussion!

I also don't like to give empty praise and have taught too many kids over the years who can't function without constant attention, need to be praised, need to be first, the best etc.

However, I find myself resorting to 'good job' because I want to promote good behavior. Thank you for the article, it will make interesting nap time reading.