When You Have Nothing Nice To Say...

[NightOwl]

What do you say? This was thought provoking in another thread about jealousy/competition between children. You tell 1 what a fantastic job he's doing when he volunteers to clean up; 2 pipes up and asks if you're proud of him too (as he stands there not picking up anything and never does). Or, 2 is eating lunch with great table manners and you compliment him for being a gentleman; 1, covered in spaghetti sauce, standing in his chair and picking his nose asks if he's being a gentleman too and are you proud??
My question is this: what do you say to the not so good doer to prevent competition/jealousy between the two from becoming worse than it already is? There are times that I feel like, when I'm showering 1 with praise (which is deserved) it makes 2 feel inferior, and vice versa. The one NOT receiving the praise has hurt feelings/feels rejected. So, how do you build 1 up without tearing 2 down? This is a slippery slope...

[Bookworm]

What do you say? This was thought provoking in another thread about jealousy/competition between children. You tell 1 what a fantastic job he's doing when he volunteers to clean up; 2 pipes up and asks if you're proud of him too (as he stands there not picking up anything and never does). Or, 2 is eating lunch with great table manners and you compliment him for being a gentleman; 1, covered in spaghetti sauce, standing in his chair and picking his nose asks if he's being a gentleman too and are you proud??
My question is this: what do you say to the not so good doer to prevent competition/jealousy between the two from becoming worse than it already is? There are times that I feel like, when I'm showering 1 with praise (which is deserved) it makes 2 feel inferior, and vice versa. The one NOT receiving the praise has hurt feelings/feels rejected. So, how do you build 1 up without tearing 2 down? This is a slippery slope...

This is tricky. In my class, it usually happens when new children move up and some of my "old-timers" are still there. The main time for this is after nap. Each child is responsible for putting up their folded blanket and they have to fold and put away their mat. The mats are accordion fold so I teach the newbies how to do it. It usually takes about 3-4 days for some to get it. While they're are learning, I say good job when they fold it properly. Now a few old-timers start saying I folded my mat the right way. My response is "Yes you did. But you are older and you've been doing longer than Sally. You're a pro now so you can help the newbies if they need help". Not my exact words but I think you understand. As for when children volunteer to clean, I give praise quietly to that child just to avoid this. When another child does overhear, that child has probably been asked to clean 10x before he even looked in the general direction. To that child, I usually say, "Yes you did clean your area. But I had to ask you 10x to do it. Sally cleaned all by herself and I didn't have to keep asking her. What usually happens is that I get a new volunteer cleaner. I hope this helps.

[midaycare]

I'm okay with a child not getting a compliment if they didn't deserve it.

If they are "fishing" for a compliment because of competition, I might say, "Well, dcg is doing a great job right now, but you sure did a great job yesterday when you ___."

There is something to be learned when kids see other kids being praised for a job well done.

[AmyKidsCo]

I can usually find something positive to say to every child. To the spaghetti-wearer: "Wow, you ate all your spaghetti today! You must really like spaghetti."

[Hunni Bee]

I might be mean, but I don't have a problem saying "No, actually you're not being a gentleman right now. Maybe you can show me what one looks like by doing x". I dont think something "nice" always has to be said, and constructive criticism is good for kiddos too.

[nannyde]

I don't do praise for them doing what I want them to do in the first place. I praise when they go above and beyond what I expect. Then they get a "cool fool. I likey" ;-)

[SilverSabre25]

I might be mean, but I don't have a problem saying "No, actually you're not being a gentleman right now. Maybe you can show me what one looks like by doing x". I dont think something "nice" always has to be said, and constructive criticism is good for kiddos too.

This is the approach I take, pretty much.

BUT--I avoid praising the way you are describing precisely because it leads to the sort of situation you outlined. Have you ever read Alfie Kohn's thing about praise? I'll see if I can dig up the link...it's pretty awesome and it totally changed the way I approach praise and validation. I don't take it as far as some but I did take a lot of it to heart.

[SilverSabre25]

wow finding the link was easier than I expected, haha

5 Reasons to Stop Saying " Good Job!"

[Sugar Magnolia]

wow finding the link was easier than I expected, haha

5 Reasons to Stop Saying " Good Job!"

Yes! THIS exactly! Right on Silver! Well said, and great link, I read this somewhere previously.

I use verbal praise (or disapproval) sparingly and mostly keep it low key. I like using a simple smile and and eye contact and a thumbs up. I'm into silent, non verbal praise/disapproval, the face says it all.

[NightOwl]

wow finding the link was easier than I expected, haha

5 Reasons to Stop Saying " Good Job!"

WOW. That's amazing. It immediately brings to mind the very popular "101 ways to praise your child" thing. I need to read this again and memorize it! Everyone should! I'm going to start with this tomorrow and I'll update how it goes.

[SilverSabre25]

WOW. That's amazing. It immediately brings to mind the very popular "101 ways to praise your child" thing. I need to read this again and memorize it! Everyone should! I'm going to start with this tomorrow and I'll update how it goes.

Hope it helps for you!

[AmyKidsCo]

This is the approach I take, pretty much.

BUT--I avoid praising the way you are describing precisely because it leads to the sort of situation you outlined. Have you ever read Alfie Kohn's thing about praise? I'll see if I can dig up the link...it's pretty awesome and it totally changed the way I approach praise and validation. I don't take it as far as some but I did take a lot of it to heart.

Ditto! Praise is often manipulative: "Look at what a good job Jane is doing" - implying "You're not doing a good job. Jane is good, you're bad, etc"

[TickleMonster]

I feel praise is very important for children of all ages. It builds up self esteem and lets kids know what they have done right so they know to keep doing these things. So yes, keep praising the little ones. As for the other child that may be the wrong doer in that moment but is asking for praise too, I say things like, "Well Tommy what your doing now isnt quite right but remember this morning when you (insert a good deed here)? Lets see if we can do more good things like that!" I also try to remind each kid in the group of their good attributes, especially after they have had to be disiplined for bad behaviors. They need to know that they are good kids and that they are all special, even if they mess up.

[nannyde]

I feel praise is very important for children of all ages. It builds up self esteem and lets kids know what they have done right so they know to keep doing these things. So yes, keep praising the little ones. As for the other child that may be the wrong doer in that moment but is asking for praise too, I say things like, "Well Tommy what your doing now isnt quite right but remember this morning when you (insert a good deed here)? Lets see if we can do more good things like that!" I also try to remind each kid in the group of their good attributes, especially after they have had to be disiplined for bad behaviors. They need to know that they are good kids and that they are all special, even if they mess up.

I do the opposite. I'm not in the business of building their self esteem. We are plagued with Generation Me with their over inflated sense of self. I'm not going to participate in creating ANOTHER generation of praise junkies. One is enough.

I like giving kids TRUTH. I don't want to be on the hook for shoveling out words that I think are disproportionate to the moment.

I like this:

Hey Scooby... belly up to the table and grab a crayon and some paper. It's time to color.

Scooby colors.

Hey I think that grass needs a little more pink. We don't have enough pink grass. It should be in every picture not just Easter pictures. Your thoughts Scoob?

Instead of:

Scooby do you want to color? Ok then go sit and color. Oh Scooby I can tell you love coloring. Is that pink grass? That's the best looking pink grass. You are so creative Scooby. Good job.

The praise circuit BORES me. It's unnatural. I like real conversation. I like simple. I think kids shut down when you do unnatural praise. They shouldn't get praise just because they are kids. They deserve real praise when the person with them FEELS like giving it.

[Leigh]

What do you say? This was thought provoking in another thread about jealousy/competition between children. You tell 1 what a fantastic job he's doing when he volunteers to clean up; 2 pipes up and asks if you're proud of him too (as he stands there not picking up anything and never does). Or, 2 is eating lunch with great table manners and you compliment him for being a gentleman; 1, covered in spaghetti sauce, standing in his chair and picking his nose asks if he's being a gentleman too and are you proud?? I would respond "Do gentlemen pick their nose and stand on chairs?" These kids know good behavior from bad. I try to get kids to correct themselves as much as possible. If I asked a DCK "Do gentlemen do this?" I would hear "nooooo, and see the child go to what he understands good behavior to be, most often.
My question is this: what do you say to the not so good doer to prevent competition/jealousy between the two from becoming worse than it already is? There are times that I feel like, when I'm showering 1 with praise (which is deserved) it makes 2 feel inferior, and vice versa. The one NOT receiving the praise has hurt feelings/feels rejected. So, how do you build 1 up without tearing 2 down? This is a slippery slope...

I really don't worry about jealousy. I know it sounds kind of cruel, but jealousy is not my problem to fix...it is the child's. If the child with bad behavior feels bad about it, he knows that doing what he is supposed to do can prevent it in the future (or fix it now). I would never hurt a child's feelings on purpose, but if a child is misbehaving, I try to get them to recognize that for themselves. If there is a "punishable" offense (like hitting), I ask the offender "what happens when we hit others?" Child answers: "I get a time-out". I respond: "It's time to go to time-out, then, until you are ready to follow the rules". Once a kid calms down enough, we can discuss what happened, what we will do next time we feel angry, and ask if the child is ready to apologize. If yes, time-out is over, if not, we wait.

If a child feels bad because his behavior was bad, that is NOT a bad thing. That's a GOOD thing. It means that he is probably not a sociopath (and I DID have one in my daycare in the past), it means there is still hope for him to be a decent person as he grows up. A child SHOULD feel some regret/shame/etc. if he is acting like an animal, or violent, or whatever. It's OK. What's not OK is to stand on your chair and pick your nose and the dinner table and insist on being praised for it.