OT: Unwanted Houseguests

[Unregistered]

Help me out here, possibly.

My mom lives in another state. She started visiting for more than a week at a time when dd was born. It started with 4 weeks. It gets more and more each summer and longer and longer for holidays.
This summer were up to 3 months. She is certified by the state to be here.

I use to like it and now I'm miserable.
Last year i was extremely depressed in August. I had to get on medication for it. This year it has been a week and I am already feeling down. I want my privacy with my family.

I have 0 communication with her. I can't just say oh by the way I think you shouldnt stay as long. But apparently I'm going to have to figure it out at some point. Its completely out of control.

What is on my side this time is that my father is no longer employed and I'm not giving her any daycare hours this summer. What isn't helping is that my family is having a huge party for labor day and she wants to be here for it. I think it would cost her more go go home and come back. And what makes matters worse is that I have to feed her ?! I have my own financial problems! I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!

[NightOwl]

Wow. It sounds like your relationship with her is not a good one and she's behaving like you're the closest mother/daughter pair on the planet! That's a weird dynamic. Does she know how you feel and just comes anyway?

[debbiedoeszip]

Help me out here, possibly.

My mom lives in another state. She started visiting for more than a week at a time when dd was born. It started with 4 weeks. It gets more and more each summer and longer and longer for holidays.
This summer were up to 3 months. She is certified by the state to be here.

I use to like it and now I'm miserable.
Last year i was extremely depressed in August. I had to get on medication for it. This year it has been a week and I am already feeling down. I want my privacy with my family.

I have 0 communication with her. I can't just say oh by the way I think you shouldnt stay as long. But apparently I'm going to have to figure it out at some point. Its completely out of control.

What is on my side this time is that my father is no longer employed and I'm not giving her any daycare hours this summer. What isn't helping is that my family is having a huge party for labor day and she wants to be here for it. I think it would cost her more go go home and come back. And what makes matters worse is that I have to feed her ?! I have my own financial problems! I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!

I used to have a similar situation with my mom, though her visits were at most three weeks long. She used to live part-time in the US, and then because of Canadian law she had to spend the other half of the year in Canada, but she couldn't afford two residences (she bought a double-wide in a seniors trailer park in Phoenix) so she would couch-surf for the six months she spent in Canada.

After about a week of my mom being in my house, the novelty would have completely worn off. By week three, I'd be so sick of her being under my roof that I was dying for her to leave. So I totally feel your pain.

My only advice is to be honest with her and set boundaries. Let her know that she's welcome to stay for a week, but any longer is out of the question. It's not going to be easy, but I really think that after you bite the bullet and just tell her that you will feel so relieved.

If you have "0 communication with her", then does she just arrive out of the blue? Do you communicate through your father? If so, then tell your father that more than a week is out of the question. And same thing, the relief you will feel after you have done the deed will totally make up for the anxiety felt beforehand.

[DaisyMamma]

Wow. It sounds like your relationship with her is not a good one and she's behaving like you're the closest mother/daughter pair on the planet! That's a weird dynamic. Does she know how you feel and just comes anyway?

I wasn't logged in. Sorry

I meant 0 communication because I don't communicate about feelings and things like this. It took me years before I could communicate with my husband properly. He is the only one who knows any of how I feel.
So of course I know she is coming and when she's leaving, etc.
It would certainly be easier if we didn't get along because I have no problem telling people I don't like how I feel ::

[DaisyMamma]

To make matters worse all the family is in my state and they come visit her in my home.

I like privacy. I don't know why she doesn't realize this on her own. I don't even like going to family functions. How can anyone not realize this isn't ok?

[NeedaVaca]

Why can't she spend different weeks with different families? That seems like reasonable solution. A week or 2 at each place. There is no way I could keep quiet about an extended visit if it was something I didn't want to do!

[racemom]

I would say something like this, "mom, we love having you come visit but we have a very busy summer and so we will only be able to have you stay 1 week this year. Does the week of ---- work for you?" if she tries to push for more just keep repeating until she gets it.

[Blackcat31]

To make matters worse all the family is in my state and they come visit her in my home.

I like privacy. I don't know why she doesn't realize this on her own. I don't even like going to family functions. How can anyone not realize this isn't ok?

Why not tell her you just can't manage it and tell her she is still welcome to visit but that she will need to stay with other family members or stay in a hotel.

Maybe even offer to have relatives chip in and help her pay for the expense of going home and coming back for the Labor Day get together.

You could also share your feelings with another family member who would be willing to speak with your mom about this.

If all else, fails...you are just going to have to be honest with her. Your sanity and mental health obviously depends on it.

Maybe writing her an e-mail or letter will help explain things. Sometimes it's the easiest and best way to get your message across and not have to continue discussing...kwim?

[DaisyMamma]

I would say something like this, "mom, we love having you come visit but we have a very busy summer and so we will only be able to have you stay 1 week this year. Does the week of ---- work for you?" if she tries to push for more just keep repeating until she gets it.

Ok. This can and will be done for next year, good idea. I was even tthinking of saying that my kids are old enough to go visit HER now.

But she is here now, already.

So I will figure out how to get her to go visit some other family like the OP said for some of the time. The most I was able to get her do last time though, was a weekend

[DaisyMamma]

And she takes my car whenever, which drives me bonkers, but its either that, or what? She never leaves the house?!

[NightOwl]

Did you have that convo, daisy?

[Angelsj]

Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)

[NeedaVaca]

Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)

I would definitely expect them to chip in for gas money and groceries! They would also pay their share for any activities like pools, movies, restaurants etc.

[DaisyMamma]

Did you have that convo, daisy?

Oh god no. I'm a big chicken. And there's a ton of other visitors around and always people lately. But I will!
Waiting for a good opportunity. Ill be looking to ask her to go stay with family for my week I'm closed in july, so soon. Then ill look to do another week in Aug.

Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)

Last year she got a job while she was here and did help. This year so far no job. And same with dad who is coming this year for a week (doesn't normally do this). And he is now talking about coming for a week every year now that there's no job. :confused: I can see where this is going! I will not have them both here all summer every year . This is most definitely the last summer, I will see to that.

[Meeko]

This breaks my heart.

My parents are on the other side of the world. I miss them more than words can ever express. They try and come every other year to see us, but they are elderly now and I know that very soon, one of the visits will be the last one ever. They plan on coming next year if they can. They will come for 6-8 weeks and I will savor every single second of it and break my heart when they leave.

I would so love to change places with some of you who don't like your parents around for long.

Please remember that one day they won't be.

"I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!" I guess people are different. I would happily never eat out again if I could have dinner with my parents instead.