A Reminder Why I Can't Do Everything On My Own

[MarinaVanessa]

So I just needed to vent really.

So a family that I've posted about that signed up in January is on their last thread with me but it's my fault.

DCG 1 1/2 has been sick the whole time now since they signed up in January except for maybe 5 weeks total. She's been sent home several times for fevers that randomly appear right after or during nap time (5-7 hours after being dropped off) and older sibling DCB telling me she was sick at home over the weekend/the evening before etc and that Mom or Dad gave her medicine in the morning etc. I never confronted them about it, I just sent her home.

The dad has his quirks and gives a weird vibe. Stays for a bit at drop-off or pick-up but doesn't say much, doesn't make much eye contact, looks at the kids when he's speaking to me instead of looking at me etc. It's just strange but not really a big deal, my family and some other parents have commented on him.

DCB has had issues with personal boundaries since day one and we've been working on it. I have a couch rule of one kid per couch cushion because that's our alone time space. If a kid needs a break or becomes upset and wants to be left alone they can go to the couch and take a book and not be messed with. DCB still doesn't get the concept of personal space. I remind him daily about giving the kids space (he literally sits almost right on top of the others because he has to be so close). So far since I started writing I have had to remind him twice that the couch is alone time because keeps bothering DS who got in trouble so he's angry at me and needs "alone time".

When I suggested to DCB to go back to playing with the blocks he said he didn't want to so I asked him to pick them and put them away if he was done. He became upset and picked up blocks and started to slam them into the bin. This is another issue that we sometimes have, he becomes upset and throws toys. Again, I've been handling it and this issue has gotten better so I have not brought it up to parents.

DCB is also older so he's plays in more advanced ways and wants to lead the others in play. The younger ones are oblivious and that upsets him because "they're not listening to me" and the 3yo's sometimes get tired of being told what to do and will wander off and do something else which upsets DCB.

Even when they're all getting along DCB follows them around repeatedly asking them to play ...
"Can I play with you?Can I play with you?Can I play with you?Can I play with you?Can I play with you?"
and the others don't always acknowledge him but I don't think that they mean anything by it, usually they're just running around having fun and are too busy playing to answer him. DCB takes it personal even though I try to explain that he doesn't need to ask for permission he can just join them. This usually makes him happy and he joins the play and then usually tries to take over the game so then the others just go do something else and then DCB is upset again. Again, they're kids so I don't report this. Kids are kids.

So lately I've had issues with DCB telling the kids to do certain things that he knows are against the rules. Things like "Hey F, go behind the couch and get the blankets so we can make a fort" but he knows that the blankets are not to be played with and only come out during nap time. Well the kids think forts are great so there they go trying to get the blankets and here I go ruining all of the fun. Again, not a big issue so nothing really I felt like reporting.

So anyway the last 3 or 4 weeks my 3 1/2 yo DS has not wanted to play with him. As soon as DCB gets close DS gets up and walks away and there goes DCB following him around. DCB has reached out and grabbed at his arm (not hard, just to stop him) to "Can I play with you?Can I play with you?Can I play with you?" DCB gets upset and even though I ask him to go play he still follows DS around.

Not sure if it's related but DS bit DCB's sister DCG 1 1/2 years old last week. It happened and I didn't even know about it, I didn't see it happen and DCG didn't cry but it happened in the morning. Yesterday DS bit her again as well as attempted to bite another girl. I caught the attempt but did not catch his bite to sister DCG. Understandably parents are upset. I talked to DCD and he seemed calm about it but concerned of course. I called a friend that has more experience with biting and she has suggested techniques. I spoke to DCD again this morning and asked him how he wanted to proceed and he said that he wanted the problem worked on then I went over how I would be making a plan of action for my DS with a short time limit and would be giving him a copy etc. and he thanked me.

I can't help but feel that I set this problem up. I feel like I should have communicated the small but constant issues I was having with DCB with his parents and like I should have seen the stress it has been causing in the kids. My DS has never biten. He has been a victim of biting with my own niece and now I'm on the other side of the fence. He's now bitten DCG twice and made an attempt to bite another girl (8 yo) within 2 weeks, yesterday there were 2 adults and neither one of us caught DCG's bite in time.

DCB was talking to DS and trying to get him to play with him but DS didn't want to and as I approached DCB angrily says "My mom says I might not be coming here anyway anymore because you bite!" So my kid of course is the bad guy and now I have to have another conversation with DCD. *ugh*

[sharlan]

Your son may be biting because of the stress caused by dcb. It might be in your son's best interest if they left.

My eldest granddaughter was a HORRIBLE biter. One of my former dcg's has 4 or 5 large scars from my granddaughter taking chunks out of her. She bit a dcb about her age twice, leaving bruises but not breaking the skin. Parents made a huge issue of taking the child to the ER to get antibiotics because "human bites are so deadly".

Long story, short. That family left on rather bad terms. My granddaughter stopped biting that day.

[Go play!]

I had the same situation with 2 daycare kids. One bit but the other one was constantly in her face, taking her toys and was generally my problem child. I really wanted to term the bitee but couldn't figure out how to do that. Her parents pulled her because they moved and the biting greatly diminished. Losing the income ****s but it sounds like they are a big stress in your daycare. It was amazing how much the vibe of the group changed when she left.

[MarinaVanessa]

I completely agree with you ladies. And that's where I struggle. I feel like if I had seen the signs sooner my DS might not be having this issue. Instead I figured that they were children and all in their own stage of development exhibiting not so abnormal behavior and I figured I could work on it.

And I think that it's better to just part ways. I can understand the frustration coming from the parents because I was that parent. My DS hasn't played with my niece in months because she bites and they live next door. I get it, I understand. And I didn't say anything about the squabbles between dcb and the other kids so the parents have no way of knowing about it.

So now the debate is whether I say something or not.

If I mention what DCB said then they'll know I know and
1) may pull sooner rather than later
2) say that it was an option that was discussed if things didn't get better.

If I don't mention anything about it I won't know if they actually are planning on leaving no matter what or when they plan to leave but I can leave it as is and try to fill the spot with another client and hope I fill the spot before they leave. At that point the hard decision is to decide whether to give them a 2 week notice or to terminate at will. I of course would refund them their 2 week deposit if I canceled effective immediately but is it fair to possibly leave them in the lurch? Would they cancel with no notice? Would they expect their 2 week deposit back if they cancelled with no notice? Would they be right to expect their deposit back if they gave no notice because of the biting?

I do have a little something in my handbook about biting and how it can happen in group care but not something specific as to whether someone would be able to get their deposit back in this case. Just lots to think about.

[TwinKristi]

Ugh, that's such a bummer. How old is DS? My DS was a biter too and it was pretty much one child. He bit another DCB a couple times after that DCB bit him or provoked some anger but it was mainly one DCB who was 20 mos and mine was 18mos. He was also the victim of biting as a small baby, like 5-6mos old by an 18mos old I was watching. I've been on both sides of thid and it ****s but it IS very common in daycare.
I would bring up to the parents what DCB said and to please let you know ASAP if that's the case and 2wks notice is still required. If they were really that concerned and would want their deposit back they wouldn't have brought them again. They're giving you the chance and you're trying to rectify this. Their child is not in immediate danger so they can't pull that card and still bring their kids.

[MarinaVanessa]

DS is 3 1/2 and has never bitten before. And that's what's weird, I can understand a 1yo or 2 yo with a biting problem that goes on into the child's 3's but how about a child that STARTS biting at 3 1/2??? That's what's uncommon.

In any case my child is biting and it's a problem. I had hoped that last week was a fluke and it was a one time thing but since he bit again yesterday and tried to bite a 2nd child now I know there's no way it's a one time thing.

I have to focus on keeping him from biting and teaching him appropriate ways to express his emotions. He is being shadowed and stays within 5 feet of me at all times. I also have a fussy 6 month old 3 days a week who takes a lot of my time and attention then you add in the 5yo DCB and not to mention my other DCKs ... It's a lot to handle.

Releasing the family from their contract will help me focus on the 6mo and my DS. Three problematic kids is just too much.

[MarinaVanessa]

Aaaaaaand he's miffed at me again. But I think at this point he's going to be miffed at anything I do from now on

His pick up today was for 4:30pm and after I picked up DCB from preschool we went to the park. I was pulling in at 4:20 and he had gotten here right before me and started calling me. Well I was driving and obviously not going to answer his call.

He left a voice mail but I texted him that I was here before I got to listen to it. He came over to my van as I was unbuckling the 3 kids in the third row, one being his daughter. So she gets all excited, he says nothing to me, I'm talking to DCG all sweet "Look, it's Dada. It's Dada" like I usually do and hand her off to DCD.

I turn to pull another DCK from his seat and I tell DCD over my shoulder that we went to the park and had a good time and I turn around and he's gone. He just walked away while I was talking .

DH says that DCD walked right by him and didn't acknowledge him either.
needless to say I did not get to talk to him about what DCB said ::

[spinnymarie]

What a ****y situation - your poor son. I'd get them a two-week notice asap!

[itlw8]

I have no problem with the child telling your son they may leave because he bites He needs to learn no matter how mad he is he can not do that.

I would start interviewing and say to the parents I can see you are not happy here by DCD behavior. I am interviewing and Dcb said he is going somewhere else. I need 2 weeks notice from you and I will give you the same 2 weeks notice.

[MarinaVanessa]

I have no problem with the child telling your son they may leave because he bites He needs to learn no matter how mad he is he can not do that.

Absolutely and I agree. That's why I wouldn't have a problem with them leaving because I understand where they are coming from. It is probably best for everyone if they find childcare somewhere else. What I'm struggling with was whether to let them know that I know they are planning to leave and to tell them that I am looking for replacement clients already or to just not say anything at all and let it play out.

I had a few things to say to DCD yesterday but he walked away while I was talking to him. His voicemail sounded very irritated and was literally "Hello, I'm here for my kids and they are nowhere to be found" .

He picks up at 4:30 pm, it was 4:20 pm when he got here yesterday. He has been a client for 6 months and he knows our routine, we were at the park and I pulled in at the regular time that I always pull in at. He's irritated about the bites, okay yes I get it, why keep bringing your kids?

As for my DS I absolutely do not tolerate biting, hitting, pushing and overall being mean to anyone for any reason and he is my shadow.

I would start interviewing and say to the parents I can see you are not happy here by DCD behavior. I am interviewing and Dcb said he is going somewhere else. I need 2 weeks notice from you and I will give you the same 2 weeks notice.

I had planned on speaking to DCD about this very thing yesterday but didn't get a chance to because he walked away. I also needed to remind him about DCB's preschool schedule for today and a few other things. Since it was DCB's last day of school the schedule was different. Instead of 11:45am - 2:45pm it was 10am-12pm and he is not the most organized person in the world so I remind him of a lot of things. I didn't get to do that yesterday so guess who forgot? I had to text him at 9am this morning to remind him of the new schedule and that I needed them to be here at 9:25am if I was going to be able to load up all of the kids and get DCB to school on time. His response was "OMG" So guess who showed up at 9:25 annoyed with me that I didn't remind him sooner .

I'm ok with them leaving, I understand that and I sympathize with them, what I'm not ok with is being treated rudely for ridiculous reasons and for things that are not my responsibility.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Wow such drama over normal kid behavior on your son's part. I expect that theyre daycare shopping now. Id start interviewing now.