Would This Be Overstepping?

[marniewon]

I've complained about and asked for ideas on my 14mo non-napping screamer. With a few tweaks to nap time, we've gotten most of the screaming stopped. Unless I put him down when he wants up, or I pick him up when he wants down, or I put him to nap too early or too late, or I move him from something he's not supposed to have/touch, or tell him no. This is the same one, when I asked mom how they handle nap time at home, ended up "threatening" to pull him because she didn't think I wanted him here, or "couldn't handle him". I haven't said anything more to her at all about dcb's behavior. Well, like I said, once I tweaked nap times, he is doing a lot better. Except at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hell, Tuesdays get a little better, Wednesdays can go either way, and by Thursday and Friday, he's fine. Tells me it's parents' lack of structure/schedule at home.

Now for my question. Would you tell/ask mom to try (for dcb's sake/happiness at dc) keeping him on the same schedule as he is on here? It really wouldn't be that much of a stretch, as he set the schedule to begin with! I realize they are the parents and can do whatever they want with him when they have him, and it's really not my place to tell them how to raise their child, but it would really be in his best interest to be on a schedule on the weekends too. His endless crankiness is getting on everyone's nerves. The other kids don't want anything to do with him most of the time and are always telling him to shush! (He's also turning into a huge bully, but that's for another post!)

It's to the point that I'm ready to term. I'm hoping to make it past the holidays, but if he left before then, that would be okay too. I see talking to the parents as the last ditch effort before terming him, if that doesn't work.

WWYD in this situation?

[Abigail]

I never remember everyone's posts so I'm unfamiliar with your previous posts about this daycare child, but how did you ask his parents how they handle nap time?

Can you ask them for a sit down short meeting sometime this week? You should just write down quickly if you have not done so already about his sleeping habits on each day of the week. Express how Wednesday-Friday go really well and explain how nap time is handled at daycare. Just ask if they do anything similiar at home because maybe it's too tough at home and they will not admit it unless they feel you are not questioning them. Maybe if you make it sound like you want their advice or opinion they will work with you, but then again if you think they think you can't handle him then it might not work. . Anyways, if you do try to approach the topic again, have them sign the paper (not sure if it's necessary or not) but then you can tell them if his habits don't change for Monday and Tuesday or Wednesday that you will have to terminate because it's for the best interest for all the children who can not sleep and it is not healthy to switch this child's schedule every week between home and daycare.

[marniewon]

The way I approached it is I told mom I needed her input and told her he was crying through nap, and asked her how they put him down for nap (bottle, time, music, etc). I was not so much questioning or complaining, but made it sound like I truly wanted her input to solve this issue (which I did!). I have had this little guy since he was 7 weeks old, and he's 14mo now. I did take her advice (starting pm nap a little later) and it has worked. But nothing is working on Mondays or Tuesdays, no matter what I try. He knows what he can/can't do/touch, but at the beginning of the week he pushes every button he can. And cries if I move him away or tell him no. Hmmm....even if he's on a schedule, that's not gonna change.

If I can be brutally honest here, without fear of retribution, I guess with everything I've been through with him, and all the issues he's had, I don't think I really even like him anymore. He is a LOT of fun, when he's not cranky or being a bully. But those times are few and far between now. I hate the idea of giving up on him now, but I can imagine our days will be much more peaceful if he's not here. He needs someone who can provide one-to-one care and someone who can devote every minute to him to cater to his every desire. He won't get any better in a daycare setting, but I'm not sure dcp's care about that.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. It's late, time for bed If anyone else has any more insight, I'd love to hear it!

[TGT09]

It sounds like you've made up your mind to terminate. I can't say that I disagree. I for one, like my sanity! The constant screaming would drive me up the wall. Plus, it sounds like his parents don't take questions well so they will be no further help. I understand you've had him for a long time but it might just be time to "let go".

[legomom922]

I'd let him go...........Not worth the aggravation...I have learned, money isn't everything...But my sanity is!

[missnikki]

You said it well yourself- "Talking to the parents is a last ditch effort." If that's where you are with the situation, I doubt anyone will disagree that you ought to bring it up.(Other poster is right, it is HOW it is done that is important to affect change.) If at that point you feel that it is a lost cause, then you have done what you can for the little guy. It will do him no good at all to try to keep him if his parents aren't on board with you at all times.

[SilverSabre25]

Part of what you're describing (not the sleep issues, the rest of it) sounds like it might be age-related, or a reaction to not being able to speak well yet (the bullying). Button-pushing is a normal behavior at this age--it's not so much that he's seeing how far he can push you or being "bad" or defiant, it's that he's testing the limits to make sure they're in the same place. Children do that because it's comforting to them to know that it stays the same, time after time (that's why babies drop things from the high chair or they sit and play with the same musical toy over and over), and they are VERY comforted knowing that the limits are always in the same place. So they test them, to experience that feeling of comfort that "Yeah, I know what's going on, I know what to expect". By Wednesday, he's settled back into, "Yeah, I know where I stand" and the rest of the week is easier. These should ease off in a month or so when he hits a new developmental stage.

I think it's absolutely appropriate to sit down with the parents and mention what's been working for nap at daycare (or even just mention it at pick up). My parents usually appreciate that sort of heads up. My babies at this age tend to have a rough Monday and Tuesday too, and I know most of them have pretty decent structure at home. They just have a tough time with change and want everything the same, every time. Again, the trouble should ease off as he gets a little older (and hits a stage where differences at home and daycare don't bug him so much and it's easier to transition between the two "methods")