Advice with 1ish year olds who cry

[dEHmom]

Hi all! Missed ya!

I really need help. I've never had such a hard time transitioning 11mth olds before. But now I have two new babies who are 11mth and 12mth(<-- started at 11mths).
The younger dcg just started. She had two days last week and then 3 day weekend. So she's still brand new and I realize this will take time. She literally naps for 20 mins during the entire day. Her cries are much like a newborn but 1000 times louder.

The older of the two, dcb, he started two months ago almost and he's gotten better but still very needy. He follows me around and I have to constantly talk to him and reassure him. Hold his hand, or hug him (his mom doesn't always pick him up but she talks and talks and makes physical contact to reassure him which is wonderful but irritating at same time. He cannot self soothe. Binky. Etc. He forces his cries out between a rolling tongue. I swear he will blow his head or eyeballs out.

I do my best to comfort them and reassure them but have been doing cio while letting them know I'm still here even if they can't see me.
It's impossible to get them on same nap schedule since they pass out randomly still in the mornings or one wakes the other up with cio and then they swap.

I feel bad because I've never had to really cio and not for extended periods of time. Usually 5 mins tops. And I just don't feel the little one understands just yet. Even though only one month difference, the dcb has been talked to his whole life so far and he will answer yes and no. So I believe he understands most of what I'm saying.

Any suggestions to make this easier? I can't even walk a foot away from either without them crying and following me.

[Blackcat31]

Hi! Nice to see you posting again!

I am sorry I have no advice.... I have never had a 11 or 12 month old that clingy before.

I've had a rage baby that required holding the entire time he was here but he is gone now and I would NEVER ever do that again.

Now, if a kid doesn't show some forward progress within the first 2 weeks, I'm done.

Might not be the best thing for that particular child but it's the best thing for me.

Nice to see you back though! happyface

[Heidi]

11-12 months may just be the worst time for new daycare. All that separation anxiety seems to peak then.

I have a new 9 month old. This morning was pretty rough, but already this afternoon she's better. I can't blame her; I'm a stranger to her!

[dEHmom]

Thanks bc! I likely won't be officially back as I really have my hands full lately. When I catch a few minutes of peace I relish in it. And no offence to anyone on here, but most days there is enough drama to tell with and my own problems that I can't deal listening to others
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in April. They thought they caught it really early as the lump was almost so tiny they could hardly feel it. But once they went in for surgery they discovered the lump was larger and more hidden, and it had spread to the lymph nodes.
Now they are doing all sorts of tests on her to see if it's in the bones and if her heart can handle the treatments. They will be removing the breasts and it will be an aggressive 6 mths of chemo.
My mom truly is my best friend (next to my husband of course! Ps, dh an I got married last year on canada day!) and she is my hero. Very strong woman who I can't imagine not having in my life. I fully expect to die before her
I've also been pretty sick myself with kidney stones and massive kidney infection.
There's my life story update since I've been gone!!

[Blackcat31]

Thanks bc! I likely won't be officially back as I really have my hands full lately. When I catch a few minutes of peace I relish in it. And no offence to anyone on here, but most days there is enough drama to tell with and my own problems that I can't deal listening to others
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in April. They thought they caught it really early as the lump was almost so tiny they could hardly feel it. But once they went in for surgery they discovered the lump was larger and more hidden, and it had spread to the lymph nodes.
Now they are doing all sorts of tests on her to see if it's in the bones and if her heart can handle the treatments. They will be removing the breasts and it will be an aggressive 6 mths of chemo.
My mom truly is my best friend (next to my husband of course! Ps, dh an I got married last year on canada day!) and she is my hero. Very strong woman who I can't imagine not having in my life. I fully expect to die before her
I've also been pretty sick myself with kidney stones and massive kidney infection.
There's my life story update since I've been gone!!

Aw, sorry to hear about your mom. Sending prayers and thoughts for BOTH you and her.... :hug:



Congratulations to you and you DH!!! That's awesome!!!! lovethis happyface

[dEHmom]

Thanks. 11 yrs together now. Figured it was time 😜

[cheerfuldom]

I think you are doing too much. I can tell you have a caring heart and trying to ease them into care but that clearly is not working, and normally doesn't work. I just do my same thing, new kid or not, and they get used to it. No constant hugging, hand holding or verbal interaction. they are directed to the toys and other kids and the needy/clingy behavior is ignored. You will be able to tell if there is a real need (dirty diaper, hungry, etc.) and address the need. Other than that, they are in group care. I think we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that a little bit of whatever will satisfy a kid but that is not how they work.....they want all, all the time. You will have to introduce them to group care where they cant get that treatment. You can provide a minimal amount of reassurance but thats all.....they have to self soothe. I know that sounds harsh but as you can tell, your way is not working and they aren't happy with it so why not try something new? Do I do cry it out with 11 month olds? yes and the parents know it. We have a bed time routine, tuck the kids in with their loveys or whatever, and thats it till nap time is over (unless it is urgent like they vomited or something). Do some of them cry the whole nap time at first? yes but that is group care. you can't provide nanny care with constant one-on-one and both you and the kids need to come to terms with that. dont forget, the parents are PAYING for group care. If they want nanny care, no cry-it-out, they need to go elsewhere and pay for that. I would give it two weeks for each child and if they are not showing progress, term. some kids wont give up but most do. again, i know that sounds harsh but it is what it is.

[dEHmom]

11-12 months may just be the worst time for new daycare. All that separation anxiety seems to peak then.

I have a new 9 month old. This morning was pretty rough, but already this afternoon she's better. I can't blame her; I'm a stranger to her!

Yeah. I usually found it was the 12mth mark. They both really took to me right off the bat. But they are both unable to soothe themselves which makes it so hard. And the youngest takes short cat naps which makes it more difficult.

[dEHmom]

I think you are doing too much. I can tell you have a caring heart and trying to ease them into care but that clearly is not working, and normally doesn't work. I just do my same thing, new kid or not, and they get used to it. No constant hugging, hand holding or verbal interaction. they are directed to the toys and other kids and the needy/clingy behavior is ignored. You will be able to tell if there is a real need (dirty diaper, hungry, etc.) and address the need. Other than that, they are in group care. I think we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that a little bit of whatever will satisfy a kid but that is not how they work.....they want all, all the time. You will have to introduce them to group care where they cant get that treatment. You can provide a minimal amount of reassurance but thats all.....they have to self soothe. I know that sounds harsh but as you can tell, your way is not working and they aren't happy with it so why not try something new? Do I do cry it out with 11 month olds? yes and the parents know it. We have a bed time routine, tuck the kids in with their loveys or whatever, and thats it till nap time is over (unless it is urgent like they vomited or something). Do some of them cry the whole nap time at first? yes but that is group care. you can't provide nanny care with constant one-on-one and both you and the kids need to come to terms with that. dont forget, the parents are PAYING for group care. If they want nanny care, no cry-it-out, they need to go elsewhere and pay for that. I would give it two weeks for each child and if they are not showing progress, term. some kids wont give up but most do. again, i know that sounds harsh but it is what it is.

I totally agree. I refuse to Stand over a playpen for half an hour soothing them to sleep. I've been doing cio and ignoring as much as possible. With dcb it wasn't working. And I found as long as I said "I'm right here. You are fine" he improved.
This newest one,dcg, appears as though she may be tougher to crack. She's fine and Independant when she goes her own way. But she watches me and if I'm not looking she freaks out. I'm taking all of your advice and will strictly enforce my two week trial period. Because I can't handle the screaming cry all day. And she doesn't stop until she falls asleep. And she makes that hiccup sound for an hour after because she has cried so hard.

[Heidi]

I totally agree. I refuse to Stand over a playpen for half an hour soothing them to sleep. I've been doing cio and ignoring as much as possible. With dcb it wasn't working. And I found as long as I said "I'm right here. You are fine" he improved.
This newest one,dcg, appears as though she may be tougher to crack. She's fine and Independant when she goes her own way. But she watches me and if I'm not looking she freaks out. I'm taking all of your advice and will strictly enforce my two week trial period. Because I can't handle the screaming cry all day. And she doesn't stop until she falls asleep. And she makes that hiccup sound for an hour after because she has cried so hard.

Oh boy!

20 minute napper would get one visit from me, if he wakes up, and only if he fusses for more than a couple minutes. I'd sneak in, lay him down, and say "still nap time" very quietly. Then, the next time he saw me would be after he falls asleep again. Chances are very high that these 20 minute naps are completely contributing to the crying. Who can cope if they are dead tired? He needs at least a 45 minute nap in the morning and 2-3 hours in the afternoon. When nap is over, I go in and sing the wake-up song (ignoring any indignation), and give them lots of sunshine and roses.

I bought a couple white noise machines, and it's helped a lot, btw. Just the cheap ones on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Conair-SU1W-Sound-Therapy-Silver/dp/B000F54AN8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1400630104&sr=8-2&keywords=white+noise+machine

that, and the bathroom fan on works wonders!

BTW, my new girl took 25 minutes to go to sleep this morning; I made one trip in after 10 minutes, then I let her go (she just got madder when she saw me, quite frankly). This afternoon, she cried maybe 7 or 8 minutes, and slept for 2 hours. She did wake once after an hour and resettle herself. It does help that her parents do the same thing, though.

[Heidi]

I think you are doing too much. I can tell you have a caring heart and trying to ease them into care but that clearly is not working, and normally doesn't work. I just do my same thing, new kid or not, and they get used to it. No constant hugging, hand holding or verbal interaction. they are directed to the toys and other kids and the needy/clingy behavior is ignored. You will be able to tell if there is a real need (dirty diaper, hungry, etc.) and address the need. Other than that, they are in group care. I think we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that a little bit of whatever will satisfy a kid but that is not how they work.....they want all, all the time. You will have to introduce them to group care where they cant get that treatment. You can provide a minimal amount of reassurance but thats all.....they have to self soothe. I know that sounds harsh but as you can tell, your way is not working and they aren't happy with it so why not try something new? Do I do cry it out with 11 month olds? yes and the parents know it. We have a bed time routine, tuck the kids in with their loveys or whatever, and thats it till nap time is over (unless it is urgent like they vomited or something). Do some of them cry the whole nap time at first? yes but that is group care. you can't provide nanny care with constant one-on-one and both you and the kids need to come to terms with that. dont forget, the parents are PAYING for group care. If they want nanny care, no cry-it-out, they need to go elsewhere and pay for that. I would give it two weeks for each child and if they are not showing progress, term. some kids wont give up but most do. again, i know that sounds harsh but it is what it is.

When I get clingers, I usually say something like "oh, you need a hug?" "hugs" and give them a hug, and then ..."ok, now lets go find some TOYS!happyface" and help them find something to do. Over and over again...

[dEHmom]

Thanks ladies!
I will give it another week. If nothing has improved at all I will let the family know group care may not be the best for the child.

I really do not feed into the uppies all day. But in order to get some peace I have been talking to them and making eye contact more than I guess I typically would. As I said this seems to be helping dcb since he's used to constantly being talked to. However the dcg does not respond well to this so I have to figure something out. But my worry was the cio seems a little harsher. I don't want her afraid to come here or anything because I "ignore" her. She's going through a lot as they are in the process of relocating from another province and still does not have her own home yet. As well as teething, starting daycare and bein around other kids. Dcm did mention at pickup though she's finding it difficult living with relatives currently as they disagree on things. I guess grandparents are constantly picking up dcg and dcm knows this is creating a monster.