Help!! Tanturms...Am I Doing Something Wrong?

[WImom]

I have an almost 4y old that just started about a week ago. She will throw a huge tantrum if she doesn't get her way. Mom said when she throws tantrums she will give her a blanket and bear to calm down or ask if she wants a hug. I'm fine with that if a child is sad or hurt but I'm not doing that for a sassy tantrum!! Am I wrong on this?

Today we had three huge 15 minutes screaming tantrums because..
(1) the circle time helper didn't give her the color butterfly she wanted for our game we were playing. I told her we were trading when the music stopped so she could have pink next. Nope, screamed and yelled so I moved on without her...she then started yelling she didn't have a butterfly. I pointed down to her red one right next to her and said...her is yours. She threw it and said I don't want that one and back to the screaming.

(2) Took her shirt off when she was in the bathroom during potty breaks saying she wanted a new one since it was dirty. I looked it over with her and it was totally clean, not even a speck of dirt/food/water on it. I told her she would need to put it on because it was fine. Of course she refused and started a tantrum. I did finally after ignoring tell her we need to move on with the potty breaks so I'm setting the timer for 2 minutes and I'm putting it on when it goes off. She did put it back on.

(3) (about 5 minutes after the 2nd one) The kids have nap bins they play with on their nap mats while we have potty breaks before nap. She was spreading all her toys out all over off of her mat. Not next to her mat but all off the area around it. Then was coloring on paper on her mat (not playing with these toys spread around). I explained that the items needed to stay in the bin or on her mat. She continued to refuse and put them all back. I told her she could leave them in her bin or mat or I would take the bin away. The rule here is to keep these items in the bin or on the mat. Of course I got a sassy "Well I don't want to".
She looked right at me started laying out the toys again about 4ft from her mat. I packed up the bin and the tantrum started!

Am I wrong not giving her a blanket/stuffed animal for these tantrums? She is perfectly fine playing and interacting unless she isn't getting her way! The rest of the kids and I are sick of listening to the tantrums. Removing her to the hallway makes them worse and longer. She was also in a center from 3m old until just recently and I can't imagine them letting her get away with everything. Mom said she was pretty good there, if she had a tantrum it was really short.

[craftymissbeth]

I don't think you're wrong. I don't see the reasoning of letting a 4 yo feel so special (the blanket & bear) for having a tantrum. She sounds strong willed and since she's new this could just be a giant power struggle... checking out what your weaknesses are, kwim?

I'd continue to expect her to follow your rules. I think you're doing great. Hang in there! :hug:

[Heidi]

Ugh...I went through this a couple summers ago, and ended up terming. I tried everything to make this 4 year old stop with the never-ending tantrums. Even tried a sticker rewards system, which is not my thing at all.

The day I decided enough was the day he threw a royal fit over a friggin' cracker. When I told him to leave the table, he refused, and when I physically removed him, he almost up-ended the table with 4 toddlers sitting at it. I ended up with a sore back and a really fidgety hand....because I honestly wanted to take him over my knee, and that would be the FIRST time I've considered that with a kid in 24 years. My mom used a wooden spoon on me once; and I seriously wished I could!

I came to the conclusion, after observing him with his mom, that he was completely manipulative. First, he was totally in control (could stop on a dime if he wanted to..witnessed that several times), and he also got what he wanted AFTER the tantrum. Because, you see, then he'd act meek and contrite and sweet, and they'd say "Oh, now you're being sweet...here, have a cookie".

All that doesn't help you...sorry

[TwinKristi]

Why would she stop having tantrums if she's rewarded with a hug and her comfort objects? She sees this as a means of communicating and getting control if the situation. Classic 3-4yr old behavior but mom is just fueling it with this blanket and snuggles routine. Sad!

[Second Home]

I would be doing the same as you .

[Kimskiddos]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Sadly it looks like you have a spoiled and indulged 4yo on your hands, sorry.

I have a crying spot (bean bag chair in a corner) and that is where she would go every time she had a tantrum. Me, completely ignoring her behavior. After the first few times I wouldn't even say go to the corner, I'd just point (and place her there is necessary). This works great for my stubborn 2yo's. When they get upset, they either just throw themselves on the beanbag chair or I give them the point. :: I try to never give attention to a tantruming child and think once they realize it's not going to work with me they soon stop the behavior or at least it greatly diminishes.

[KatieG]

Ooh, good luck! You're doing exactly what I would do, but if the parents are rewarding this behavior, you may never get anywhere with her.

[WImom]

Had a nice meeting with mom last night so hopefully this will be short lived. Thanks for the encouragement!

[playground1]

I would probably do the same as you. It's different for a 2 year old, tantrums are often just a way to express their feelings when they can't do it verbally. But for a 4 year old, no way.

I would do what the others said: make a special place for her to go and throw her fit and when she's done, ask her if she wants to try talking about it with words.

[Heidi]

I would probably do the same as you. It's different for a 2 year old, tantrums are often just a way to express their feelings when they can't do it verbally. But for a 4 year old, no way.

I would do what the others said: make a special place for her to go and throw her fit and when she's done, ask her if she wants to try talking about it with words.

Exactly! A 2 year old having a tantrum is out of frustration and an inability to get their point made, and an inability to understand that while you understood them, they still aren't getting what they want. ::

A four year old who tantrums is a bully. He or she is trying to MAKE you give them what they want. Often, they are fully in control of said tantrum. For instance, if you said "hey...look...a dinosaur!" they would STOP tantruming and look. That's what I saw with my 4 year old. One day I followed his mom some where (going to the same place). He screamed the ENTIRE way over something trivial (20 minute car ride). Once we got there, he looked at me, tears still wet and face bright red, and said, sweetly "oh high, Miss Heidi!, look, my dad is here, too!" just like that...

Yea.....