You're Not My Friend Anymore!

[Oss_cc]

I have two 4 year old girls, one of whom is my DD. The slightly older DCG has lately been saying "you're not my friend anymore" all the time to my DD, mostly to get her way. My DD is overly sensitive and has hurt feelings every time. Of course, they bounce between this and being best friends (girls ).

We've had discussions about empathy, I've tried ignoring it and letting them work it out, I've tried timeouts (for the DCG and for my DD for tattling/yelling). I'm out of ideas. Anyone dealt with this? Suggestions please?

[Shell]

Ugh! It's the age. I had a classroom of girls that would say that. They are just looking for validation of their feelings . I would try something like , " I can see she upset you , what can we do to make things better?" If not , time out for the child that uses the phrase, but I would try validating the feelings first. Good luck - I think this is the age where we get a glimpse into how cruel us girls can be to one another!

[jenboo]

I had this problem. I told them we are all friends and that it's ok to play something different you just need to tell them. When they don't get their way they will say that they are going to play their own game. They usually don't get feelings hurt over it.

[SignMeUp]

A classic
"You're my best friend." "You can't come to my birthday party."
Definitely a four-year-old thing, maybe more girls than boys, but some boys do a version of it too. So common that I tell parents when I see it coming

As someone else said, help them talk it through with more appropriate words.
"It sounds like you meant ...." "And what do you think?...."

Once they have been through it a few times, I will have the two parties go sit together to do it themselves and come back to me when they have it all worked out It usually ends pretty quickly ::

[daycarediva]

I ask them to say. "I'm mad at you because..."

Now they say "you're my friend but I'm MAD AT YOU!"

Eh, at least it doesn't annoy me.

[Oss_cc]

Thanks for the ideas, ladies! I'll try them out this afternoon.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I posted about this awhile back when it was BAD here. We discussed how it isn't kind and we wouldn't be saying it any longer. They could say, "I don't want to play with you right now, maybe later." or "Can we please talk about this later?" but never "I'm not your friend!" because it isn't kind and we are kind buddies. It worked. I have five 5-year-olds (in addition to 2's, 3's, and 4's) and none of them use it anymore. happyface

Now the issue is, "I'm telliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" to which I say, "No you aren't. Use your words." and point. ::

[NoMoreJuice!]

I can't offer help, just sympathy. I have three girls all within a few months of each other around 4 years old. I constantly hear "Are you my friend?" a million times a day. Usually this is answered with a "yes!" and everyone is happy. But more and more lately, it met with a "No!" and tears ensue.

Gah, can we please just stop being divas and go back to the cute little girls you used to be??

[Play Care]

A classic
"You're my best friend." "You can't come to my birthday party."
Definitely a four-year-old thing, maybe more girls than boys, but some boys do a version of it too. So common that I tell parents when I see it coming

As someone else said, help them talk it through with more appropriate words.
"It sounds like you meant ...." "And what do you think?...."

Once they have been through it a few times, I will have the two parties go sit together to do it themselves and come back to me when they have it all worked out It usually ends pretty quickly ::

I have found in this day and age ALL my 4's do this. I blame all this "gender neutral" nonsense:::: boys are encouraged to be more verbal and share their feelings and girls are encouraged to be more rough and tumble. As I result I have girls tackling each other or playing shooting games and boys telling each other they're not invited to a birthday party and they are not going to be friends any more. Good times::

[cheerfuldom]

ugh, yeah thats a tough stage. honestly, i tried several things and finally just told the kids "work it out or play separately" and after a few days of that response every time, they totally quit the behavior.

[NightOwl]

It got so bad here that I started treating "I'm not your friend" like a bad word. Instant time out. That worked for me when nothing else did.

[Oss_cc]

I posted about this awhile back when it was BAD here. We discussed how it isn't kind and we wouldn't be saying it any longer. They could say, "I don't want to play with you right now, maybe later." or "Can we please talk about this later?" but never "I'm not your friend!" because it isn't kind and we are kind buddies. It worked. I have five 5-year-olds (in addition to 2's, 3's, and 4's) and none of them use it anymore. happyface

Now the issue is, "I'm telliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" to which I say, "No you aren't. Use your words." and point. ::

I've been doing the "be nice" "be kind" thing and "think about how YOU would feel if she said that to you ". We watched a PBS show about empathy and sing the jingle sometimes. I'll keep at it! Thanks again everyone!

[Starburst]

Honestly, I think for her it's about having control; the more she knows it bothers your daughter, the more she is going to do it to get her way. I would probably try to train your daughter how to refuse to be this girls victim because it's just feeding into the girls need for power and ruining your daughters self esteem by subjecting her to a poisonous relationship. As someone who has been bullied and manipulated a lot growing-up, I know it is easier said that done.

This might sound a bit harsh but IMO, I think this little girl needs to be kicked off her high horse a bit by getting a taste of her own medicine. Not sure how ethical this is, but maybe the next time the girl says this try to train your daughter to say something like "If you're going to treat me like that, then I don't want to be your friend either". This girl needs to know that words have meaning and not to say what you don't mean (you can probably also read a book about something like this and have a curriculum about it-maybe try that before this approach).

IK we are trying to be teaching "we're all friend" and "lets all be friends" and stuff (trust me I am all pro anti-bullying curriculum) but in the real world, you don't get along with everyone and not everyone is going to want to be your friend and its better to just respect that persons wishes and to protect yourself from any further emotional rejection or manipulation. Also, this little girl needs to learn that words are serious or else, when she gets older she isn't going to have much friends if she always treats them that way.

[jenboo]

It got so bad here that I started treating "I'm not your friend" like a bad word. Instant time out. That worked for me when nothing else did.

I use this for tattling. If its not an emergency and no one is hurt, then use your words. If you come tell on sometime...instant time out.

[spinnymarie]

No one is allowed to say this in my house, we are all friends. YOu can choose not to play with your friends at this time, and you can be upset with your friends, but they are still your friends.
Using these words gets you some time playing by yourself.