For Those of You That Separate Aggressive

[Heidi]

HOW do you separate?

I have a 30 month old here who has become increasingly aggressive and mouthy. When he hits/pushes/yells at people, takes almost every toy from other children, and lately, screams at me (shut up or let me go or leave me alone). I have tried a bit of empathy (you don't like it when x takes your toys), and certainly been firm "we don't hit", etc. Of course, positive reinforcement, making him my helper, etc.

It's getting worse, not better. Monday, he even bit, which hasn't happened in 6 months or more.

When I separate him, he keeps coming back (he moves gates), or, the others go to the super-yard and they fight OVER the super yard. Seriously!

The other children are all at a year younger than than him, so I don't blame them. I redirect "let's leave H* alone...he wants to play with that". But, he doesn't really want to be alone. He wants to be with them, but control everything. He's lost all sense of boundaries; helps himself to whatever he can reach, or climbs on things to reach them. I cannot turn my back on this guy!

Today, I set him up at the dining table (not the one they eat at now), in a booster seat, belted in, with 3 different activities (for about 15 minutes), and he sat quietly and played. That was the only 15 minutes today that it was peaceful. Licensing would probably say that this is confinement.

Any other ideas?

One more bite, and I think I have to term. I already "cured" this once before. At his age, it should not be recurring.

[childcaremom]

I have his twin sister here.

I'm hoping someone has some fantastic suggestions b/c I am about at the same point you are.

I have been just 'enforcing' separation by monitoring where she is and who is nearby, reminding her that she needs to play here or here until she is nice to her friends/talks nicely to me/whatever she has decided to do.

[daycarediva]

Tough one. Can you allow him to have special toys, a bin/tote perhaps of things all his own that the younger children aren't allowed to have/touch? That might help reduce his toy grabbing/taking and control.

In all honesty, he may just be bored and need a playmate closer to his own age.

[Heidi]

I have an almost-2 starting here soon, but I am actually worried that it'll make things worse vs. better!

I do realize that "boredom" could be a contributing factor, which is why I've tried to give him extra "privileges", have him help me, talked him up, etc. Problem is, he has not shown any maturity towards these things.

Meaning, if I say "Thanks for being such a great helper", he screams "no...shut up". It's also difficult to give him his own space, because he comes out, or gets into stuff he shouldn't. I have 1/2 my living room/dining room combo separated by a gate,and would love to give him some toys of his own to play with there. But, he cant' be trusted not to slime windows, scratch furniture, climb counters and chairs, tease the dog, etc. If I redirect, he has a fit.

This kid WAS sweet for a long time. It's a big mystery, honestly. I'm just not sure I want to be the one to solve it .

[cheerfuldom]

It sounds like for whatever reason, he has outgrown your program. If you cant supervise and shadow him constantly (since the separation options are not working), then I would let him go. He sounds horribly aggressive and rude but judging from how well he did in the past, it does sound really strange. However, I think we providers get caught up in the "why" of the situation but the facts remain the same.....he is hurting others, disrupting the environment and you are no longer able to manage his behaviors. Time to term.

[NightOwl]

I'm interested in what the parents have to say. Is this happening at home?

[Heidi]

Update:

On Friday, I went a conference and left my wonderful sub in charge. There were only 3 children here. Dcb in question, dcg (16m;who was here until noon and slept a good 2 hours of the 4 1/2), and a 10mo.

I got a text/picture late Friday. DCM of 10mo found a big bite mark on his arm when she changed him.

Apparently, my sub didn't see it happen; but she did 'break up" the kids a couple times, and soothe 10mo. That does happen quite often with toddlers. She's wonderful; sits on the floor and plays with them more than I do, actually. I KNOW she keeps a close eye. Still, 2 1/2 year old is fast.

So, after thinking about it, and realizing that I may lose my other clients if this continues, and thinking about how much I've already restricted 2 1/2 yo to prevent this. I am terming.

I told mom that we should look for a new program that has older children and more staff. One of our local centers has a new director and has a reputation for having made great improvements. I am actually calling them Monday for dcm to talk about openings and ask some questions (without giving away names).

It's just best for everyone. It's sad, but I can't allow the littles to get hurt, learn this behavior, etc. "Jaws" is not improving. Maybe a new setting will help. I hope so, but it's not my burden.

[wdmmom]

I have a 4*6 playard where aggressors gets moved to. It has all soft toys so he/she can't throw them and cause injury to others or to themselves.

The other children do not have access to the playard but he is within sight. Usually 20-30 minutes is plenty of time for them to calm down and rejoin the group. Sometimes there are days where children prefer to play alone so it works perfectly for that too.

[daycarediva]

On Friday, I went a conference and left my wonderful sub in charge. There were only 3 children here. Dcb in question, dcg (16m;who was here until noon and slept a good 2 hours of the 4 1/2), and a 10mo.

I got a text/picture late Friday. DCM of 10mo found a big bite mark on his arm when she changed him.

Apparently, my sub didn't see it happen; but she did 'break up" the kids a couple times, and soothe 10mo. That does happen quite often with toddlers. She's wonderful; sits on the floor and plays with them more than I do, actually. I KNOW she keeps a close eye. Still, 2 1/2 year old is fast.

So, after thinking about it, and realizing that I may lose my other clients if this continues, and thinking about how much I've already restricted 2 1/2 yo to prevent this. I am terming.

I told mom that we should look for a new program that has older children and more staff. One of our local centers has a new director and has a reputation for having made great improvements. I am actually calling them Monday for dcm to talk about openings and ask some questions (without giving away names).

It's just best for everyone. It's sad, but I can't allow the littles to get hurt, learn this behavior, etc. "Jaws" is not improving. Maybe a new setting will help. I hope so, but it's not my burden.

Sorry you couldn't work it out, but it sounds like it's for his best interests to have more caregivers.

[cheerfuldom]

you are doing the right thing. and going above and beyond by helping find new daycare. you really dont have to do that.

[KBCsMommy]

My licensor once told me that it our job as providers to provide a safe environment for all of our daycare children. That includes keeping children safe from other aggressive children. If you have to term a child for biting it is in the best interest of all parties involved.

With that said, it looks like you are making a good decision by terming the dcb.