WWYD, Interesting* family

[TwinKristi]

So wait... Is this child 4? I assumed he was closer to 18-24mos if he spent the first 18mos in the orphanage. Personally, go with your gut. If this child is 4 and they're behaving this way... I would just say no. Sept is a long ways away!

We have a family at church who's adopted all 4 of their kids. 3 from the same mother at different times and 1 from South America. The 3 boys from the same birth mother, while they're a handful, I can definitely see a difference with them and the little girl they adopted as an older baby. She was maybe 8-12mos old I believe and didn't walk til she was like 18mos. She was very clingy and is still very weary of strangers and quiet unlike the boys who are crazy chatterboxes. I think the fact that they've had their mom & dad since shortly after birth has made a profound difference in their comfort level. They go to preschool, not daycare, and have babysitters that come to the house.
I've always had a very different view of adoption, my mom placed my brother up for adoption (by force) in the 70's at 16 and we later reconnected with him. He was abused and neglected, dropped out of school, married at 18 with 2 children, in and out of jail/prison his whole life. His sons are both in prison/jail as well and his first wife was on their city's most wanted list. Then there's the boy I went to school with who was adopted by an older very well-off couple and while he had everything he could have ever wished for, he's still in prison. He had a much better life than I ever did, but he didn't appreciate it because it was always handed to him on a silver platter. I know not every adoption is like this, but from what I've seen it's either this or the opposite where they cater to every want or treat them like this super special child leading to entitlement and naughty behavior. This is just my opinion (and often non a popular one) and I know that some parents are just so happy to have a child that this is their super special child, but I think we all know how that ends, birth child or adopted. Spoiled, naughty children with poor social skills feeling entitled and deserving of their every wish. I do know several normal adults who were adopted into normal families and treated like anyone else was and are normal functioning people.

[Unregistered]

I'm adopted. All 3 of my siblings are adopted. Have a few friends who are adopted, and parents of friends who are adopted. We are all 'normal' individuals who have never had any issues with the law. It can be a wonderful blessing for all involved, and can have a positive result. That said I do know one family where an older sibling set (youngest was 5 or 6) where they just didn't bond and the experience was VERY challenging. The early years for these 2 children was pretty traumatic though

[TwinKristi]

I'm adopted. All 3 of my siblings are adopted. Have a few friends who are adopted, and parents of friends who are adopted. We are all 'normal' individuals who have never had any issues with the law. It can be a wonderful blessing for all involved, and can have a positive result. That said I do know one family where an older sibling set (youngest was 5 or 6) where they just didn't bond and the experience was VERY challenging. The early years for these 2 children was pretty traumatic though

I'm not saying adoption = felons. I'm more sharing the experience I've had with one extreme or the other where parents treat this child like the only shining star in the universe and when the rest of the world isn't greeting them that way there can be negativity associated with that. I said I know several adopted adults who were raised as part of a family and treated like everyone else. When it's one adopted child sometimes the parents overcompensate and it doesn't do them any favors because no one else will treat them that way. Basically if this family is expected all this "special treatment" only because he was adopted and not because he has special needs it's only feeding that problem further. Especially years later. The kindergarten teacher won't treat him any different than the next child who wasn't so expecting anyone in a group setting to accommodate special requests is always a sticky situation. Adopted or not. It just creates entitlement and selfishness. Even in my brother' and classmate's case, they both used the fact that they were adopted for why they behaved that way which isn't an excuse it's another form of entitlement.

[mamap]

You know, I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, so hopefully this doesn't come across this way. My parents adopted my brother when he was 3 months old from the same type of situation in Central America (this is almost 30 years ago, now). Anyway, he needed a tremendous amount of care- so much so, I know my mother had to go above and beyond (and she did so without any hesitation). He needed leg stretches, special diet, to go to the doctor regularly to be checked on (there were some parasites he potentially could have had), etc. I can't recall all the details, but it was a big deal, and he was stuck in the crib with several other babies for a 3 month period- I can't imagine how eighteen months would fare for a little one.
I would have no problem introducing as a friend either, but I question if they understand the amount of care this child will need, and if a provider can do this reasonably while caring for others- is this fair to the child???
On top of this, we had a situation with a child in a dc center, from Africa, and the poor child had difficulty trusting adults and other children. Apparently, he was taken away from his ten or so siblings, and had major behavior issues (understandably).
I wouldn't say not to take this child, but I just feel badly for a child that has to go through this situation, being thrust into daycare??? I think they really need to bond, and if you can do it- you are an amazing person with a huge heart lovethis

Oh my gosh, Mrs. Michelle, bless your family for helping your brother into a better life!

This little guy was adopted at 18 months and is now almost 4. He's been in daycare 4 days a week for the majority of that time. His current care only accepts infants/toddlers and they move on at 4 years old. Do you think it would be a bad idea to ask to speak to his current provider? It sounds like the only special needs he has is a gluten free diet and he needs to have his back rubbed to help him get to sleep. I told his mom that I'd work on weaning him from the back rubbing but I can do it because I have an assistant!

[mamap]

I agreed with Nan, but I thought he was only 18 months old, not 4.

Still, it's a long time away, so "going to meet some friends" seems like a reasonable explanation. In fact, I'd encourage several visits over the summer. That way, you can see the kiddo in action and bring everything to a screeching halt if it won't work BEFORE taking him on. That'd be better for him, too.

I personally would do short play dates, with the parent and child, in the mornings. I would not do drop in care, though, because that'll confuse him. Parents must stay there. Then, in the fall, when he knows you, they can give him the "good news" that when mom goes back to work, he gets to play at Miss Mamap's house all the time.

I talked to mom about bringing him for playdates once or twice a month throughout the summer. I think it's a winning plan to help him transition! happyface

[mamap]

I would be very, very reluctant to provide care for this child and I would stipulate a longer than usual trial period. My concern would be that the child has behaviours consistent with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). It seems to often go hand-in-hand with adoption situations like these (where the child was either emotionally/physically neglected in an orphanage, or spent their important attachment years being bounced between foster homes and the abusive/neglectful bio parents).

There is usually a "honeymoon" period at the beginning of new care situations (where everything seems to be going very well) after which begins increasingly disturbing behaviour (violence, cruelty to animals/other children, bizarre manipulation of adults). This child may not have RAD, but with his background I wouldn't be surprised.

I might agree to provide care for him, but make it very clear that there will be an initial 4-6 weeks of trial period (during which time you can end care without giving any notice). During this time, watch carefully how he is with the other kids, watch him carefully around any pets (if applicable), and watch for signs that he is manipulating any of the adults he comes into contact with (particularly if he's playing one off of the other(s) in a divide and conquer kind of way).

I would not agree to care for him, though, without meeting him first.

This is something I've never heard of before! Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'm definitely going to google it and see what I can find out about it!

[cheerfuldom]

Oh my gosh, Mrs. Michelle, bless your family for helping your brother into a better life!

This little guy was adopted at 18 months and is now almost 4. He's been in daycare 4 days a week for the majority of that time. His current care only accepts infants/toddlers and they move on at 4 years old. Do you think it would be a bad idea to ask to speak to his current provider? It sounds like the only special needs he has is a gluten free diet and he needs to have his back rubbed to help him get to sleep. I told his mom that I'd work on weaning him from the back rubbing but I can do it because I have an assistant!

okay so he has been at this daycare for years, with his adoptive family for years, and isn't special needs? at this point, I would go back to the regular scenario and handle this family just like every other family and not provide any special treatment whatsoever. I dont see a situation that requires special care. A gluten free diet is not special needs......

[debbiedoeszip]

This is something I've never heard of before! Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'm definitely going to google it and see what I can find out about it!

It's something to keep in mind if you are providing daycare to a child who is in foster care (some foster care parents work FT and need daycare for their foster kids) or providing care for a child who has been adopted (not from birth, but as a toddler or older) from a third world orphanage (or an eastern European orphanage, from what I gather).

It's the one emotional disorder that I really don't think that I could handle as a daycare provider. It's not always present in kids coming from these unfortunate circumstances, but in kids who have been diagnosed with RAD, this kind of background is almost always in their life history.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I would be very, very reluctant to provide care for this child and I would stipulate a longer than usual trial period. My concern would be that the child has behaviours consistent with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). It seems to often go hand-in-hand with adoption situations like these (where the child was either emotionally/physically neglected in an orphanage, or spent their important attachment years being bounced between foster homes and the abusive/neglectful bio parents).

There is usually a "honeymoon" period at the beginning of new care situations (where everything seems to be going very well) after which begins increasingly disturbing behaviour (violence, cruelty to animals/other children, bizarre manipulation of adults). This child may not have RAD, but with his background I wouldn't be surprised.

I might agree to provide care for him, but make it very clear that there will be an initial 4-6 weeks of trial period (during which time you can end care without giving any notice). During this time, watch carefully how he is with the other kids, watch him carefully around any pets (if applicable), and watch for signs that he is manipulating any of the adults he comes into contact with (particularly if he's playing one off of the other(s) in a divide and conquer kind of way).

I would not agree to care for him, though, without meeting him first.

I agree. Even meeting him, though, doesn't guarantee that you will see any of the challenging behaviors (like she said...honeymoon period). I have an adopted teenager. We have faced some serious trials but to outsiders (friend's parents, for example) he looks like and acts like the "perfect child" and it is so NOT a representation of who he really is. He triangluates adults against each other, for one. I have taken on adopted children here before but if they were that revealing of the amount of neglect that child faced (18 mos. in a crib!!!!!!!) then I have to say I would pass. Poor child needs a SAHM or at the least a nanny. Hope that makes sense...

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

okay so he has been at this daycare for years, with his adoptive family for years, and isn't special needs? at this point, I would go back to the regular scenario and handle this family just like every other family and not provide any special treatment whatsoever. I dont see a situation that requires special care. A gluten free diet is not special needs......

True...unless he has sensory processing disorder and THAT is why they have eliminated gluten. I would ask WHY they eliminated it so that you can see if you can handle the amount of labor that would take (I have celiac disease and cannt have any cross contamination. This means no plastic anything that has ever touched gluten, a safe counter that is gluten free for food prep, etc. Even play-doh has gluten in it.).

[debbiedoeszip]

I agree. Even meeting him, though, doesn't guarantee that you will see any of the challenging behaviors (like she said...honeymoon period). I have an adopted teenager. We have faced some serious trials but to outsiders (friend's parents, for example) he looks like and acts like the "perfect child" and it is so NOT a representation of who he really is. He triangluates adults against each other, for one. I have taken on adopted children here before but if they were that revealing of the amount of neglect that child faced (18 mos. in a crib!!!!!!!) then I have to say I would pass. Poor child needs a SAHM or at the least a nanny. Hope that makes sense...

Yes, the 18 months in a crib is a massive, huge red flag. And I agree that this child would likely do better with a SAH parent. If there are attachment issues, adding yet another caregiver to his life is not going to help.

[Shell]

okay so he has been at this daycare for years, with his adoptive family for years, and isn't special needs? at this point, I would go back to the regular scenario and handle this family just like every other family and not provide any special treatment whatsoever. I dont see a situation that requires special care. A gluten free diet is not special needs......

I feel like this as well. I thought from your original post that this was an 18 month old, too.
My mom said that in the late 70's, early 80's she dealt with a lot of discrimination having an adopted child. She said it was even worse when he started school. Teachers would flat out say they didn't want to deal with an adopted kid- he was going to be a problem child, etc- broke her heart. But she never stopped fighting for him.
The only "problem" he had was he always had an issue with his legs and sitting still. Teachers used to complain and tell my mom he was "bad" because he couldn't sit during circle. He turned out to be a fantastic athlete, but had to stop in high school due to leg pain- turned out to be some condition most likely caused by the cramping of being in the crib for all those months

I would just try to get as much info from the parents, and if you feel they aren't being straightforward, don't take them (just like you would do with any other child). Good luck!

[mamap]

Oh my gosh you guys, my apologies for not getting back! I'd started to let you all know how it turned out and forgot to hit send!

Long story short: As soon as Concerned DCD walked in with the DCB my assistant sees them and recognizes them from the previous center she worked at. They used her old center for drop-in care!

He did great while visiting and jumped right in with the other kids, really didn't miss a beat. I think that the parents are just very concerned (rightfully so) because of his background.

My assistant also told me after they left that he rarely had any problems and she saw him pretty regularly. She felt that he would be a great fit for our group and was confident that because he already recognized her that he'd transition very easily! Wahoo!!!:hug:

Thanks everyone for your input and advice! I really appreciate it!