WWYD, Interesting* family

[mamap]

Hello Everyone! I'm in the process of interviewing a family which seems very nice. They adopted a young boy from an impoverished African country. He basically spent the first 18 months of his life in a crib. It's a very unfortunate story, but despite some challenges and sensory integration and social emotional hurdles they make it sound like he's doing very well.

Mom interviewed a couple of weeks ago but dad couldn't come and asked to come a separate time. I specified that I have to meet their son during the interview process. After spending a lot of time him-hawing about when the best time for him to come meet us will be the father has informed me that he'd like to lie to his son and just tell him they're coming to meet friends! He won't be starting until September so I understand his thinking but I refuse to lie to his kid or my kiddos in care-which always know why a new kiddo shows up with their parents to meet us.

I'm starting to get cold feet about this family, they have special dietary requirements, and a sort of laundry list of requirements that seems to be growing. Originally I was accepting of their situation but am beginning to wonder if this will be more trouble than it's worth.

What would you guys do????

[Naptime yet?]

Just say no. If you're feeling any hesitation now, that may be a big warning sign. Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative. Or see how your trial period goes & then decide. But make sure the parents know IT'S A TRIAL PERIOD.

[nannyde]

I wouldn't have any problem being introduced as a friend. He's too young to understand the concept of day care five months from now.

I would ask them directly if they believe he is a special needs child because special care is an entirely different relationship. If he needs special care they shouldn't be interviewing a regular day care. They are newbie parents. They may need to hear that.

[mamap]

I wouldn't have any problem being introduced as a friend. He's too young to understand the concept of day care five months from now.

I would ask them directly if they believe he is a special needs child because special care is an entirely different relationship. If he needs special care they shouldn't be interviewing a regular day care. They are newbie parents. They may need to hear that.

Thanks for the advice! I did ask if he had special needs and their pediatrician says he does not. They're treating him this way. I think I need to see the family in action to have a better feel. They didn't want to bring him for an interview but I told them it's crucial for me to see how they interact with him so I know how to model my approach and to see if it's something I even can model. They seem like great people, I just don't know if I agree with their parenting approach. Maybe the issue is whether or not we can meet in the middle with my approach to care and their approach to parenting :confused:

[taylorw1210]

I wouldn't have any problem being introduced as a friend. He's too young to understand the concept of day care five months from now.

I would ask them directly if they believe he is a special needs child because special care is an entirely different relationship. If he needs special care they shouldn't be interviewing a regular day care. They are newbie parents. They may need to hear that.

I agree. I would have no problem with introducing him as a friend. Also, to me it sounds like they are just first-time parents trying to get everything right. I would let them know what you are able to accommodate and what you are not able to accommodate in group care. They probably don't realize that some (or all) of their requests cannot be met in a group care setting - especially since this is their first time and first child. And if the dietary requirements are too much of a hassle perhaps having them provide his snacks and meals would be a good solution?

[mamap]

Just say no. If you're feeling any hesitation now, that may be a big warning sign. Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative. Or see how your trial period goes & then decide. But make sure the parents know IT'S A TRIAL PERIOD.

Thanks for the advice! I really liked mom when I met her but dad is giving me a different feeling but it's mom I'll primarily deal with. Just not sure we're all on the same page!

[Second Home]

I too would not have a problem as being told he is going to meet new friends . I would be weary if the father told you he wanted you to lie , what other lies are going to pop up later .

If you are starting to feel unsure then go with what you are feeing .

[cheerfuldom]

I would at least interview but I require the child to be here with the parents. The ONE time I did an interview without the child, it was a big mistake. The parent brought the child the first day and he was obviously and fairly severely special needs.....I was shocked a parent would try to sneak a child into a regular daycare. These were well educated, middle class parents who carefully manipulated their way into my home. I was livid! So yeah, require you at least met the child.

Just take one request at a time and dont feel you have to say yes to everything just because you said yes to something else. Have your contract ready and make sure you give a clear, firm response to each question. I have taken care of adopted kids before, kids that were in very poor living conditions prior to my care and I understand the parents being cautious about the decision but on the other hand, it is okay to say "this is just too much for me and more than I can accommodate right now"

[mamap]

I would at least interview but I require the child to be here with the parents. The ONE time I did an interview without the child, it was a big mistake. The parent brought the child the first day and he was obviously and fairly severely special needs.....I was shocked a parent would try to sneak a child into a regular daycare. These were well educated, middle class parents who carefully manipulated their way into my home. I was livid! So yeah, require you at least met the child.

Just take one request at a time and dont feel you have to say yes to everything just because you said yes to something else. Have your contract ready and make sure you give a clear, firm response to each question. I have taken care of adopted kids before, kids that were in very poor living conditions prior to my care and I understand the parents being cautious about the decision but on the other hand, it is okay to say "this is just too much for me and more than I can accommodate right now"

I'm amazed that anyone would do that to their child!! I am very clear with parents about meeting the children and will not start a family without!

That's great advice, thank you so much! Sometimes it does get very overwhelming when you have parents that have a lot of requirements but I hadn't stopped to think about the fact that they're protecting their adopted baby (4-year-old baby, but still!). I'll see how things go with dad and dcb tomorrow before I make any decisions!

[Shell]

You know, I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, so hopefully this doesn't come across this way. My parents adopted my brother when he was 3 months old from the same type of situation in Central America (this is almost 30 years ago, now). Anyway, he needed a tremendous amount of care- so much so, I know my mother had to go above and beyond (and she did so without any hesitation). He needed leg stretches, special diet, to go to the doctor regularly to be checked on (there were some parasites he potentially could have had), etc. I can't recall all the details, but it was a big deal, and he was stuck in the crib with several other babies for a 3 month period- I can't imagine how eighteen months would fare for a little one.
I would have no problem introducing as a friend either, but I question if they understand the amount of care this child will need, and if a provider can do this reasonably while caring for others- is this fair to the child???
On top of this, we had a situation with a child in a dc center, from Africa, and the poor child had difficulty trusting adults and other children. Apparently, he was taken away from his ten or so siblings, and had major behavior issues (understandably).
I wouldn't say not to take this child, but I just feel badly for a child that has to go through this situation, being thrust into daycare??? I think they really need to bond, and if you can do it- you are an amazing person with a huge heart lovethis

[Heidi]

I'm amazed that anyone would do that to their child!! I am very clear with parents about meeting the children and will not start a family without!

That's great advice, thank you so much! Sometimes it does get very overwhelming when you have parents that have a lot of requirements but I hadn't stopped to think about the fact that they're protecting their adopted baby (4-year-old baby, but still!). I'll see how things go with dad and dcb tomorrow before I make any decisions!

I agreed with Nan, but I thought he was only 18 months old, not 4.

Still, it's a long time away, so "going to meet some friends" seems like a reasonable explanation. In fact, I'd encourage several visits over the summer. That way, you can see the kiddo in action and bring everything to a screeching halt if it won't work BEFORE taking him on. That'd be better for him, too.

I personally would do short play dates, with the parent and child, in the mornings. I would not do drop in care, though, because that'll confuse him. Parents must stay there. Then, in the fall, when he knows you, they can give him the "good news" that when mom goes back to work, he gets to play at Miss Mamap's house all the time.

[debbiedoeszip]

I would be very, very reluctant to provide care for this child and I would stipulate a longer than usual trial period. My concern would be that the child has behaviours consistent with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). It seems to often go hand-in-hand with adoption situations like these (where the child was either emotionally/physically neglected in an orphanage, or spent their important attachment years being bounced between foster homes and the abusive/neglectful bio parents).

There is usually a "honeymoon" period at the beginning of new care situations (where everything seems to be going very well) after which begins increasingly disturbing behaviour (violence, cruelty to animals/other children, bizarre manipulation of adults). This child may not have RAD, but with his background I wouldn't be surprised.

I might agree to provide care for him, but make it very clear that there will be an initial 4-6 weeks of trial period (during which time you can end care without giving any notice). During this time, watch carefully how he is with the other kids, watch him carefully around any pets (if applicable), and watch for signs that he is manipulating any of the adults he comes into contact with (particularly if he's playing one off of the other(s) in a divide and conquer kind of way).

I would not agree to care for him, though, without meeting him first.

[Cradle2crayons]

I agreed with Nan, but I thought he was only 18 months old, not 4.

Still, it's a long time away, so "going to meet some friends" seems like a reasonable explanation. In fact, I'd encourage several visits over the summer. That way, you can see the kiddo in action and bring everything to a screeching halt if it won't work BEFORE taking him on. That'd be better for him, too.

I personally would do short play dates, with the parent and child, in the mornings. I would not do drop in care, though, because that'll confuse him. Parents must stay there. Then, in the fall, when he knows you, they can give him the "good news" that when mom goes back to work, he gets to play at Miss Mamap's house all the time.

this is great advice. We did this for my special dcg before starting care. She had spent basically her first year of life in icu with strangers sticking her twenty times a day.. Painful surgeries and procedures etc.. And strangers scared the crap out of her. She is also special needs developmentally... She needs therapies daily.. Stretches... Procedures etc... After two visits though she attached to me at the hip and even now, will let me do any procedure to her before she even lets her mother.

But I can imagine trust is a huge issue with this child.

[hope]

What requirements is the Dcd asking for?

[KiddieCahoots]

Maybe for the first visit have them bring him outside of child care hours, then nobody has to worry about spilling the beans, kwim?
This way you can give your full undivided attention to the child to see if their is anything noticeable. If things seem to go well, then like Heidi suggested, have him come for play dates with the other children. You can then observe to see how he reacts to a group. Time is on your side here, may as well work it to your benefit.