Whiney Scared Child??????

[nannyde]

I agree that some of it I think she does for attention and I think she just wants things "her" way alot of times, but I do NOT give into her as you claim.

SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)
The only time SHE picks the movies if she is the "line leader".
I've tried telling her to turn her head if she is scared at something in the movie but it disrupts EVERYONE around her.
I should also clarify that when I said that I reassure her when she is afraid such as the mailman coming to the door or when a new child starts, I reasure her by telling her about them, who they are why they are there, I tell her when a new child starts that they are here just like she is, I watch am going to watch them like I watch her, they are a part of the group together. I didn't mean I hug and hold her while these people are here.
I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, I don't see anything scary about any of the stuff they watch. Now yes maybe Monsters Inc. or scooby doo but for instance yesterday when they were watching Imagination Movers it' s not a scary show, she has watched it a million times here, then she starts crying, she wouldn't tell me why other than she wanted the movie in, later the other boy told me it was because one of the movers had on a costume, ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? Like I said I've told her to turn her head but it's very disruptive for everyone else, so it's easier to just have her take a nap or read books or else no one else gets rest.
have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action
Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you, I do believe she runs the show at home, some, I'm not sure exactly, I don't really know the mom, dad seems firm with her but yet babied, I DO NOT believe that if I dont' let her do the same here she will be pulled from my care, I do not believe they would do that EVER.
The reason I really haven't mentioned the "I'm scared" thing is because I've just kind of blew it off as a phase, I just didnt think there was anything they could do about her fears,she's a scared she's scare but since it's progressed and she's just getting worse and I think some is more than just being scared and she's so snotty to the others it's just getting out of hand.
Sometimes I feel she's been like this because it has definetly gotten worse since most of the group she was "raised" with here has left and now maybe she feels out of place or "scared" that I dont' love her the same, I treat her no different than anyone else.

Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you,
I'm not attacking you. I think you are super sweet. I think this kid has bewitched you and you are loosing your confidence with her.

ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? YES Tender... YES. You CAN tell her what is scarry and what is not. You are her leader. You tell her that it isn't scarry and to stop saying that.

Every animal in the animal kindgdom teaches their young what is and what is not a threat. It's done from birth on. It is our job to tell them what we think is a reasonable response and what is not. It's okay to tell her NO she doesn't get to act scared when something isn't scarry.

I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, Honey YOU are. You are the one to tell her that there is nothing to fear. You are the adult. You tell her that there is nothing to fear and that you won't have her fear behavior with this.

I swear we have completely lost our minds when it comes to common sense in raising kids. We are NOT training providers and supporting each other to get back to some fundamental basic child rearing skills.

This is the same thing as when a kid takes a spill and falls down. When the kid starts to wail and the adult says "oh Johnny nice dive... you are okay ... get up and get at it" with a huge smile and a big congrats for the great fall ... the kid shuts up... gets up... dusts themselves off... and runs off.

When the adult in the same deal goes "are you okay"... oh Johnny that must have really hurt... then the kid goes WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and it goes on forever.

When she does the "i'm scared" words over simple things that YOU know in your heart are NOT scary then it's OKAY to give the response of "it's okay. You aren't hurt. You are fine" now carry on.

It's okay for us to lead them. We are supposed to.

This society is so emeshed in attaching psychological illness or disease or delay in kids that the very very obvious ill behaving kid gets a childhood where nobody stands up and tells them to KNOCK IT OFF and get to playin.

I don't believe this child has a language problem.

I don't believe she has ANY problem expressing herself. In fact I think she's a master at it.

I think her stalling when she's not telling you WHAT she is afraid of is her needing computing time to come up with something she thinks will pass muster when in fact she's just trying to get you to offer her a better gig for her.

I don't think she has fear at all. I think her only fear is the fear that she won't rule. Her anxiety is the anxiety of an unstable leader who shouldn't be leading in the first place.

BUT... and this is a big BUT... you know this kid for four years. If in your heart you believe she has some kind of serious mental issue then it is your job to insist she receive evaluation and ongoing treatment. AND.. the most important thing on your end... is that YOU receive the financial compensation you SHOULD receive to care for a mentally ill kid.

You are welcome to call me if you want to talk strategy. I may be able to help you with some base responses to integrate her back into the play of the other kids.

Just PM me if you want some ideas nannyde style. Even though it's different than what you do you may be able to cherry pick a few ideas from my ways that make your life a little easier till she's off to school.

[tenderhearts]

nannyde,

None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly, I must congratulate you on running such a "perfect" daycare with "perfect" children. Maybe the kids in your care are just that "afraid" to express their feelings for fear of what you will do. jmho.
I don't think she has fear at all.I think her only fear is the fear that she won't rule. Her anxiety is the anxiety of an unstable leader who shouldn't be leading in the first place. I am not a leader because I allow her to try and tell me her feelings? I'm not going to sweep someones feelings under the rug. If someone didn't take my childs feelings seriously they would NOT be in their care. It happened to my daughter in kindergarten, our daycare provider told me just that, she's trying to control you, the school, me and the situation, ignore it Well after talking with counselors at her school(upon their suggestion) she had a fear it was her fear she didn't have anything to be "afraid" of but it still was scary to her. I removed her from this daycare and with the help of the school, us,she overcame it, brushing it under the rug would NOT have helped her, it would have kept going. So I disagree that just because I may not think it's a scary she in fact may and I can tell her until I'm blue in the face it's not scary but that's not going to make someone NOT scared just because someone is telling her not to be, sounds to me more like someone trying to control the child. My husband is afraid of water, I can tell him repeatedly not to be afraid it's not scary but is that miraculously going to make him unfraid because his wife tells him it's not??
Again how am I NOT a leader, how am I letting her control the situtation, when she started crying during her movie and later told me she wanted her movie in she picked out, she didn't even get to watch the movie she was removed and read books for quiet time, so how am I letting her control things? she didn't get what she wanted, it didn't change for anyone else...

SilverSabre25
Thank you, I have pretty much have done all of those things, when she complained about papers on the desk I said just that, I'm sorry you don't like them there, if you don't like it you can go find something else to do. She stayed playing.
I have had to "dismiss" her from show & tell before for being rude and not nice, she was fine the next couple weeks, last week started again I told her she again wouldn't participate this week if she wasn't going to be nice and I told her dad about the situation as well.
When she's scared of something I offer her every time she can go in the other room if she'd like and she always chooses not to and usually "stops" whatever it was she didn't like, was mad about whatever until the next time, do I "make" her go in there? Sometimes she'll just "stop" when I say you can go in the other room if you don't like it and she says no, but other times she'll stop but she'll make pouty, whiney sounds and look very mad.

I DO NOT let her control the group, I have never ever said oh so and so wants it this way so this is how we are going to do it, I have NEVER done that, I DO try and talk with her and ask why she's mad, scared, not being nice, I'm not going to ignore someones feelings, that would make a very poor provider someone who is only out for the money not "caring" about children. As someone else said if your spouse is angry and upset with you do you just ignore it or do you try to figure out what is wrong?

Thanks again SilverSabre25
I will continue with what I have done and use your further suggestions and make sure I'm not giving her those extra "chances" . I just get confused as to when she is saying the mean things and holding her ears, I dont' want anyone to talk and I say well you may go into the other room if you don't like it as I always say and she as she always says no, and she continues making her pouty face and whiny noises to I just let her do that since she's not saying anything or do I just have her go???

[QualiTcare]

i agree with the basic point nannyde has made. there's nothing wrong with her other than being spoiled and wanting to rule the roost.

she has said "i'm scared" to her parents and gotten her way. she figured out that saying "i don't like this" or "i don't want to do this" gets a response of "too bad" but saying "i'm scared" evokes emotions and change (in her favor, of course).

with my own children, if i close the door and turn the lights out and they say, "i want the light on and i want you to leave the door cracked," i say, "NO," but if they say, "i'm scared," it tugs at my mommy heart strings. not WANTING to have the door closed and being SCARED of having the door closed evoke different responses from me. just an example - they both actually sleep without a light. but they would never say "i want the light on" because they know that wouldn't work. instead they would say "i'm scared without the light." my daughter knows she has to go to school no matter what, even if she whines and says she doesn't want or she's tired and she hates it, etc. BUT she didn't go to school one day when she had an upset stomach. guess how many upset stomachs she's had since then? :: difference is -i knew she was full of it and on the bus she went.

i don't think she has a sensory disorder other than not liking to hear the word NO. i've never heard of someone's sensory issues disappearing when the movie that they WANT to watch gets put on. if she had a sensory disorder, her favorite movie would bother her just as much as a movie she's "scared of." you can't turn a sensory disorder off and on.

the box to hide in is a good idea, but it doesn't even have to be a box. if you have a "quiet area" in the room where the rest of the kids are, send her there when she says she's scared. in fact, tell her not to even tell you she's "scared" anymore, but to go to the quiet area anytime she feels scared. i can understand not wanting to punish her for her feelings, but if you give her a solution (going to the quiet area) you CAN dismiss her for approaching you repeatedly with her "fears" instead of going to the quiet area. she'll get bored of the quiet area really fast. she doesn't want the quiet area. she wants to do things - she just wants it to be the things that she wants to do. going to the quiet area can't change your mind, but telling you she's scared might work and she knows this.

[tenderhearts]

I don't know what her parents to at home but people keep indicating here she's getting her way when she does this SHE IS NOT, I do NOT give in. When she was crying and said the reason why was because she wanted HER movie in, I DID NOT put in her movie, she didn't watch any movie that day, she was sent into a different room for quiet time. When she is whining and crying or says I'm scared I have said to her every time, if you are scared then you can go in the other room, I don't make her but she always says no, I don't give into her fears.
Now I don't agree that if my child said she was afraid of the dark and didn't want the door closed, I say forget it. That is a fear, ALOT of kids are afraid of the dark, I was, my daughter was, I had no problem saying, no the light will stay off but I will leave your door cracked, I'm "comforting" her to ease her fear and letting her know that I understand. If you were afraid of the water would you want someone to just dump you over the side of a boat and say swim and drive away for you to swim to shore??? Of course not you would be MORE afraid of the water.

So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???

[kendallina]

Lots of interesting discussion here.

I'm thinking that there might be two, even three things going on. And it sounds complicated. It's going to take some work.

First off, I'm thinking that she might not have the language she needs to put accurate names to what she's feeling when she says, "I'm scared". Second, I'm thinking that there might be a sensory issue with sound--whether inherent or created by her very quiet home environment. Third, I do think it sounds like she's catered to a lot at home. Fourth, I think it might be a power issue, but the solution is NOT to take away her power, it's to give her more, but appropriate, power. Power that gives her control over HER environment but does NOT affect other people's environment.

When she says she's scared--even if you as the adult do not think that there is anything to be scared of--offer her an out. "If the movie is scary, then you can go look at books/puzzles/color" but make sure she has a place to go where she does not have to see/hear the movie (if you can't prevent her hearing it, offer her headphones to put on). Giving her control over the scary thing in a way that affects no one else, might help immensely. This could also assist if she is getting sensory overload.

You described her covering her ears and saying that it's too loud--that does very much suggest sensory issues to me. Offering her headphones/ear muffs should help with that, unless you can make a "quiet room" she can retreat to when it gets too noisy. Again, this really affects no one but her.

When she's getting controlling over things she has no business controlling, like papers on the desk, tell her that she can either deal with them or she can move her body somewhere else. If she doesn't want to participate in show and tell, then she doesn't have to. Sit her outside the circle but still nearby and ignore her until show and tell is over. Don't let her share her item--assuming she wants to. Explain that if she wants to show her item then she needs to sit and be polite while others show theirs. Before removing her from the circle tell her that and give her the choice. I do not think you should turn off the tv/music in the morning before she gets there--give her the option of retreating to her quiet area or putting on her headphones if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if weeks/months go on and you're trying these things and either it's not improving or she's spending most of her time alone, I would really, really consider bringing the issue up to her parents and suggesting that she be evaluated for some possible sensory issues. It sounds like she is VERY sensory avoidant, both sound and visual stimulation. How is she with eating, textures, flavors, touch, tags in her clothes, etc?

Extremely well said!!

[nikia]

So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???

I think if she is just whining and going on you should tell her to go even if she doesnt want to. She may just want extra attention and maybe sitting her on your lap for a bit would soothe the whining. With my own kids when they were scared of something I would try and make it funny or play a game with it, it worked for them. If it was a movie like beauty and the beast, my older daughter was scared at first, I sat with her and pointed out funny things to look at in the back ground so she didnt focuse on the beast. Like the candlestick made a funny face. I agree with you on disregarding their feeling will not help anything. If she is truly scared then I think it has to be worked on. If it is extra attention she is needing I would give that to her too, but I am a ****er ::

[QualiTcare]

I don't know what her parents to at home but people keep indicating here she's getting her way when she does this SHE IS NOT, I do NOT give in. When she was crying and said the reason why was because she wanted HER movie in, I DID NOT put in her movie, she didn't watch any movie that day, she was sent into a different room for quiet time. When she is whining and crying or says I'm scared I have said to her every time, if you are scared then you can go in the other room, I don't make her but she always says no, I don't give into her fears.
Now I don't agree that if my child said she was afraid of the dark and didn't want the door closed, I say forget it. That is a fear, ALOT of kids are afraid of the dark, I was, my daughter was, I had no problem saying, no the light will stay off but I will leave your door cracked, I'm "comforting" her to ease her fear and letting her know that I understand. If you were afraid of the water would you want someone to just dump you over the side of a boat and say swim and drive away for you to swim to shore??? Of course not you would be MORE afraid of the water.

So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???

i think you misread or misunderstood.

first, i said that her PARENTS have given into her using the words "i'm scared" - not you. i also didn't say at all that if a child say they were afraid of the dark to say "forget it." i said just the opposite. if they said they WANT a light on (so they can color or play) there is a different response than if they say "i'm scared" because of course you don't want a child to be scared. of course they could be lying and saying "i'm scared" because they know it works and they'll be able to play or color. i said that I react differently to a child who is scared vs. a child that doesn't want to do something. we all do - she's figured this out with her parents and she's trying it at your house.

i didn't say you give into her movies. i said if a movie she ENJOYS or WANTS to watch is put on - she has no sensory issues, is that correct? but if it's dora or something she doesn't like - she covers her ears. that's a sign that it's not a sensory issue.


when you tell her to go to another room she always says NO because as i said - she doesn't want to get away from the action. she wants the action to change in her favor (i'm NOT saying you do it) but that's what she wants. that's why you have a "quiet area" in the SAME room she can go to instead of saying she's scared all the time. that way she can remove herself from what is "scary" without being completely alone. she can see the "action" and realize it's not going to change because she's "scared" and she'll realize going to a quiet spot instead of whining to you about what she's scared about is a lot less fun. you should have ONE talk with her about what to do when she's "scared" and what the solution is. that would be going to the quiet area in the SAME room. explain to her that she can go to the quiet area whenever she wants to and she doesn't have to ask you about it or tell you she's scared. if she's scared of dora, she can get up and go to the quiet area. if she's scared of peas, she can get up and go to the quiet area. let her live in the quiet area if she wants to, but if she chooses NOT to, she can not whine to you about what she's scared about. if you ignore her, you aren't dismissing her feelings or fears (there aren't any fears) you are dismissing her because she is not following directions and the directions were, "go to the quiet area when you're scared - do not whine to me" again, we're not talking about a truly scared child. we're talking about a child that is using words with no true meaning.

[nannyde]

i don't think she has a sensory disorder other than not liking to hear the word NO. i've never heard of someone's sensory issues disappearing when the movie that they WANT to watch gets put on. if she had a sensory disorder, her favorite movie would bother her just as much as a movie she's "scared of." you can't turn a sensory disorder off and on.

::

WOOT TO QUALTI

Finally a Mother's voice of reason.

You know what the dead give away on this kid is? It's Scooby Doo. ::

The whole premise of Scooby is a roller coaster of high end emotion plus adorable Scooby. A kid with all of her "fears" if they were real... would NEVER even watch a Scooby commercial.

She needs to go play toys. and quit ****ing the life out of the adult and the joy out of the other kids life. There's nothing to figure out here. It's really simple. She's actually very slick and she may pull it off for a bit more but soon enough she will attend the GREAT EQUALIZER which is public school.

She needs school so bad it's not even funny. Her little age mate princess friends will right her real quick like. Her teacher will do about three days of "the color yellow makes me sad" and then she will be dismissed and shuned into being decent.

I think she'll be fine tho. She's actually very clever. I love kids like that and wish she could come on over to Nans house. I have two little four year old princesses who would be happy to have her in their Kingdom.

[tenderhearts]

Like I said Nannyed, you must be a PERFECT daycare provider with PERFECT children, maybe you advertise for these??? How do you get them? just curious

[Unregistered]

Kids are pretty good at being manipulative

Kids have an uncanny ability to find out how to get what they want from the care givers in their lives. Using the "I'm scared" approach is popular if the child and his/her friends are watching a program and the child wants to watch something else. "I'm scared" is also a popular sentiment when it's time for nap and the lights go out.

To the OP, you need to be able to cut through the manipulation tactics that this child is using on you or you'll be feeling the fall-out for a long time. Worse yet, children do tend to learn from their peers and if the other kids see that the "scared" kid is able to get her way, then you may end up with a mutiny. Kids are incredibly perceptive.

Take Nan's advice. Listen to QualiT's advice. Trust me when I say that the more that you play into this child's theatrics, the worse it will become. I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to the child's feelings, just that you need to be able to differentiate between a genuine feeling of fear and manipulation tactics.

Good luck

[MarinaVanessa]

Thanks so if she's "over stimulated" what do I do?

You don't have to send her to another room or anything, maybe you could get a pair of earmuffs??? Being serious here. But then after reading more I thought of this ...

I do know at her house things are VERY VERY quiet, she is an only child, I don't know how much her parents "play" with her when she's home, but I know they don't watch much tv or anything. Alot of quiet play.

Sounds to me like she wasn never really allowed to be an "average" child at home. Not saying anything bad about the parents or anything, everyone has their own parenting styles/rules etc. Just saying that if at her home she's used to it being quiet and that's what she likes then that could be the problem. She just like quiet because it's what she's used to at home. It's soothing for her. I was like this also when I was a little girl. Played by myself and very quietly but because in my parent's home my mom didn't like me to be too loud. I never liked going to Chuck E Cheese or places like that because it was too loud for me. My mom bought me a pair of ear muffs when she took me to Disneyland . That's where I got the idea from .

[Michael]

Nannyde, you are coming across as condescending to the other members IMO. This holier-then-thou position does not work here. Why not just make your point and stand by it. You are not going to win anyone over with that attitude.

[nannyde]

Nannyde, you are coming across as condescending to the other members IMO. This holier-then-thou position does not work here. Why not just make your point and stand by it. You are not going to win anyone over with that attitude.

You getting emails again Michael?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

[Michael]

You getting emails again Michael?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

I've read through this thread. You are an experienced provider but comments like this are attacking and personal:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world."

[Unregistered]

Where's the problem?

I've read through this thread. You are an experienced provider but comments like this are attacking and personal:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world."

I think that hearing advice from people is a good thing. Nan is a wealth of knowledge and that should be honored. We are not all at that level yet. Maybe it seems harsh, but it just seems to be good advice give with a no nonsense attitude