Am I Wrong For Becoming Too Close With My Families?

[NightOwl]

I am one year in and have a strong bond with all of my families and their children. I have read bunches of posts on the forum about being professional and maintaining a business relationship at all times and I have really failed at this! I have one moving to Texas in the summer and my heart is broken. Mom also doesn't want to move because she's convinced she won't find anyone like me there. Seriously, she's still here and her husband is already in Texas because of this. It's that deep. I have another family who is selling their house, but won't look too far away from me so they won't have to move him. I love how comfortable we are with each other, how my families all "click" with each other and me, but there's this nagging thing in the back of my head telling me I'm doing this wrong and it could lead to trouble later. What do you guys think? Do you have any stories you could share about similar experiences? At this point, however, I can't go back. I can't defriend them on Facebook and suddenly become all business in my personality and attitude. I feel like that would hurt feelings and possible drive some away. I think this relationship we have is part of the appeal for them. And, honestly, I don't want to give it up either.

[Moppetland]

I have found that in my experience as a provider, becoming friends with the parents back fired on me. I would go to their family events when invited, sit and let them tell me all their business and let them solicit my advice, etc.

But then came the "can I pay you next time?"

and "can you only except this amount for payment?"

and "can I skip payment this time because this happened and that happened"

and "can you watch my child for me on Saturday?" (I am not open on weekends)

So, now, I'm all business. I would really like to have the respect from the parents than the friendship. IMO, it will be hard for parents to respect your policies and you, if they somehow have became too close to you. It's much harder to enforce your policies to friends.

I only become attached to the children because they grow up in my home. But when it's time for them to depart, I **** it up, and get over it, because business is business, and I prepare to enroll the next child that will be here most of their early childhood.

[Blackcat31]

YOU do what works for YOU until it no longer works for YOU....kwim?

Most of us that have done this a long time know that ^^^ to be true.

Most of us that have done this a long time have rules or policies because of a negative past experience.

I know for me personally, my rules are my rules for ME.

I listed several things I used to do that I no longer do in another thread.

I stopped doing a lot of those things when they started to cause me MORE stress than it was worth.

ONLY you know what things are right for YOU and YOUR business.

[mountainside13]

I am one year in and have a strong bond with all of my families and their children. I have read bunches of posts on the forum about being professional and maintaining a business relationship at all times and I have really failed at this! I have one moving to Texas in the summer and my heart is broken. Mom also doesn't want to move because she's convinced she won't find anyone like me there. Seriously, she's still here and her husband is already in Texas because of this. It's that deep. I have another family who is selling their house, but won't look too far away from me so they won't have to move him. I love how comfortable we are with each other, how my families all "click" with each other and me, but there's this nagging thing in the back of my head telling me I'm doing this wrong and it could lead to trouble later. What do you guys think? Do you have any stories you could share about similar experiences? At this point, however, I can't go back. I can't defriend them on Facebook and suddenly become all business in my personality and attitude. I feel like that would hurt feelings and possible drive some away. I think this relationship we have is part of the appeal for them. And, honestly, I don't want to give it up either.

I have a problem keeping everything professional! I have a fear of abandonment which also doesn't help! Not bc of daycare just my past. Anyways, I grow a bond to the children and the parents which can be be good but more often than not can back fire! My first experience was my very first daycare child! I love the little girl and her mom! Mom had her for 3 weeks a month and then she would go to dad's (1 hour away) for a week (I wouldn't get paid) I did everything for them, keeping her late, going out together with the kids on play dates, taking the child overnight for free when ever the step dad would come back on leave from Iraq, the wedding night abd the honeymoon exc. exc. I loved them! The mom was the only one upset that I was going to take 2 weeks maternity with my son so I changed it to 1 week. Long story short she gave me notice on my first day back after leave.

I have been "burn" other times by parents but after 2 years this one still hurts!

[sharlan]

I used to be a lot friendlier and closer to my families. I associated with them outside of daycare - movies and dinner on the weekends, kids' parties, kids' school performances.

Not so with the group that I have now. I am happy to see them leave at night and forget they exist over the weekend. I'm not saying that I don't love and care for the kids, I'm just not close to any of the parents.

[DaycareMom]

I was very friendly with the first family that I enrolled. It was great for the first year or so, then came the "special" requests. (as Moppetland mentioned)

This family completely took advantage of me - they would pay me late, not pay for sick days, set up play dates which just ended up being me doing free care since DCM didn't watch or discipline her children. It was awkward when confronting her because we were "friends". This situation ended badly and we are no longer friends - all because I enforced my policy regarding sick days. She was required to pay me for the day, didn't want to and when I enforced the policy, she pulled her kids.

I think getting friendly turns into them looking at your services as a favor and not as a service. They tend to take advantage and expect you to make exceptions for them since you are friends.

I do have a family who I have been semi-friendly with - I have had them 5 years - they are just NOW starting to try to take advantage.

In my experience, I feel as though it will happen sooner or later.

Like BC said, it all depends on what works for you! I think it's great and I am kind of jealous that your families can be friendly and still respect you and your policies. That is the ideal situation!

[mom2many]

For me, it really depends on the individual families. I have really good friends that I began friendships with when I first began 28 years ago, where as other families, it always remained strictly business.

I have not been been taken advantage with these families that I formed a strong bond with, because they respected our "working" relationship.

On the other hand....those that did try to manipulate or ignore my contract, were not the kind of people I would seek out as friends, so it was never an issue of having to choose between a friendship or my business!

I think you have to do what is best for you! If it's working, then I think it's great! I've been very blessed with the friends I have made over the years and personally looking back, I would not have changed it!

[SilverSabre25]

The beauty of home daycare is that everybody does it differently! There IS no one right way!

[KDC]

I've had good experiences and a stinker. The stinker experience makes me not want to repeat having a close relationship with a client in the future.

When I first started, I was nervous I wouldn't get my start-up clientele because my neighbor was a registered sex offender. (We lived in a new neighborhood and he closed on his house 2 months AFTER we closed on our house (he has since moved-- due to my daycare)). I don't care how nice you are, or nice your daycare looks -- when a parent hears that's who your neighbor is, they RUN. I had a new house, new baby, and just was laid off a good paying job. I was scared!

I decided to start with the other neighbors because, hey... they were all having children, they knew the situation and was also living by him. They knew I was a good person. I approached them and let them know I started a home daycare and they jumped all over it.

Here we are 7 years later and I still have 2 out of the 3 neighbors.

#1 neighbor... DCG aged out of my program (She's in 2nd grade) and they decided to get a nanny for their little boy (Did not have space when he was an infant). We managed to stay friends. They appreciate what I did for their daughter, but liked having more control over the daily schedule. They were very high maintenance and revealed to me that they consistently were secretly recording their nanny. However, we are pretty good friends with this neighbor still. We do BBQ's together, our daughters are in cheerleading together, and we spend a lot of time doing activities together.

#2 neighbor... This is the first one I took on. They are absolutely awesome. Always pay on time, never challenge my abilities to take care of their daughter. She's a superintendent of a major school district in the area. Always pays on time. She's in 2nd grade now (started with me at 4 months old)... I do before school care and they pay me a LOT to just do that. It's worked out great! We do neighborly things with them but aren't overly friendly.

#3 neighbor... this is where the trouble started. Our kids are the same ages, and really get along like brothers and sisters since I started with them when they were itty bitty infants. This Mom does try to 'change' my program. She drives me batty. And the Dad... drives me batty too. And I can't term them without some MAJOR consequences. I believe our relationship has suffered because of not wanting confrontation. I can look back and see I was passive aggressive because I just didn't come out and say 'NO!'. I also take criticism to heart, so when she'd be having a conversation about the food she's buying for her children, I would equate that to her accusing me that the daycare food not being up to snuff. She had issues with Friday Disney movies, issues with my son not being her son's personal play date (he's 2 yrs. older and sometimes DS wanted to do his homework after school to earn video game time after dinner, not play with her son). They confronted me and tried to bully me into lowering prices after they already getting a discount. They have a chip on their shoulder and I think we both have just put up with it, to not rock the neighbor boat, I love her kids, and they're almost aged out.

#4 same neighborhood... I have another client that lives in the neighborhood (but not close) and I love the Mom and we get along great! We've done girls night out, weekend shopping and have been able to maintain a good business relationship throughout the duration of care (been with me 4 years, but he'll be going to full day Kindi next year). It worked out great!

Do what you're comfortable with! Sometimes it's worth the risk! It's hard to meet people when you don't leave your house . Only you know what consequences you'd be comfortable with if things went sour.

[taylorw1210]

I am one year in and have a strong bond with all of my families and their children. I have read bunches of posts on the forum about being professional and maintaining a business relationship at all times and I have really failed at this! I have one moving to Texas in the summer and my heart is broken. Mom also doesn't want to move because she's convinced she won't find anyone like me there. Seriously, she's still here and her husband is already in Texas because of this. It's that deep. I have another family who is selling their house, but won't look too far away from me so they won't have to move him. I love how comfortable we are with each other, how my families all "click" with each other and me, but there's this nagging thing in the back of my head telling me I'm doing this wrong and it could lead to trouble later. What do you guys think? Do you have any stories you could share about similar experiences? At this point, however, I can't go back. I can't defriend them on Facebook and suddenly become all business in my personality and attitude. I feel like that would hurt feelings and possible drive some away. I think this relationship we have is part of the appeal for them. And, honestly, I don't want to give it up either.

This is me to a "T". And I've also been doing this for a little over a year...

All of my families are friends with me on Facebook, but my Facebook page is very drama-free (I do not post any serious personal statuses) and mainly consist of photos of what we're doing with my own children and random shares, etc.

All of my families have attended my children's birthday parties - and we have occasional text conversations about generic things like good sales and whatnot.

I have once had a family start attempting to pay me late and I put a stop to that real quick by providing them a letter quoting my contract payment policy and what will happen if they are late a second and third time. It stopped immediately and it didn't cause any drama between us. They still talk to me about their fertility adventure and I know way too much about one of the mom's ovulation! ::

However, I do have one family leaving this week and I'm taking it more personal than I probably would had I not gotten close to this family... The parents are having behavior issues with the 4 yo and it's been starting to leak into daycare. She claims she's pulling for behavior and financial concerns and not due to my care and wants to bring them back in the Fall, but I still am having a hard time not taking it personally and I believe it's largely in part due to my having a more than business relationship with the family.

At this point I would not change what I'm doing but I can see how I would choose differently 5 years down the line.

[TwinKristi]

I've made this same mistake as well. I also read all the things on here and like you couldn't really go back after being friends. And it also happened to me! A couple times it was "can you hold this check?" Or "oh shoot I forgot your check" but the kicker was her always bringing him sick. Like I somehow was okay with it because we were friendly. Then I would just take him to the dr with us since I was going anyway... In the year he was here he got myself or someone else in my family sick at least 5 times. First was a stomach virus, then the flu, then another fever virus and then a cold/cough, then the flu again. I sent him home at least 5 other times as well not to mention how many times I kept him sick! I finally joined this forum and when she brought him with a low grade fever and a nasty sore on his mouth I said no, take him to a dr and get a note that he can return while I sanitized all the toys he plays with, his high chair, etc. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. She gave me notice a few weeks later (after I got notice from another FT family the week before and ended up getting notice from another family the next week) and I know that day when I pushed for a drs note that she didn't feel the benefit of our friendship and decided to make the move. We're still friendly and her kids still come on a drop-in basis 1-3 times a month, but I can always tell when she's going to be bringing them because she is extra nice and social with me. I still care about her family but it was the slap in the face I needed.

My advice to you would be to keep your friendship but also keep in the back of your head that if things start being less business and more friends you may have to take your business back. I'm still friendly with a new mom but it's still very much business when it comes to daycare. Another new family I have is not friendly at all, strictly business. It's hard and I don't like how things feel but it's for the best. I have a new family starting soon as well and that could be a hard one to keep business only but as long as I start off strong and business-like I hope it can develop into a friendship later. Either way is fine. I love kids and I often get too attached. I have to have some level of separation or I'd end up keeping kids here til who knows when and taking pennies for payment. I recently had to put my foot down with pickup times with one long term family. They were inching their schedule back further and further and Grandma was late and I ended up missing my son's baseball game. I put my foot down and said I have to have him picked up by 5pm on baseball nights, 5:30 is the latest per my license. I blamed my license and it worked! LOL everything is still fine with them and mom totally understands.

[Angelsj]

YOU do what works for YOU until it no longer works for YOU....kwim?

Most of us that have done this a long time know that ^^^ to be true.

Most of us that have done this a long time have rules or policies because of a negative past experience.

I know for me personally, my rules are my rules for ME.

I listed several things I used to do that I no longer do in another thread.

I stopped doing a lot of those things when they started to cause me MORE stress than it was worth.

ONLY you know what things are right for YOU and YOUR business.

Amen!!

[Blackcat31]

I put my foot down and said I have to have him picked up by 5pm on baseball nights, 5:30 is the latest per my license. I blamed my license and it worked! LOL everything is still fine with them and mom totally understands.

I've done this in the past too but be careful because using your license as an excuse is really only a short term fix to a long term problem.

Eventually you will get a parent that will question this and seek out their own answers.

We are required by law to give parents the standard daycare licensing rules link. I had a family read it VERY thoroughly and then make an apt with my licensor to find out if what I said was actually true or not.

My licensor told the family that while the situation in question was not necessarily a state law, it was a PERSONAL provider policy which I have a right to do but since it was a CHOICE on MY part to have or not have that rule, the parent ended up pushing me to allow something I didn't want to allow and then accused me of lying by saying it was a licensing rule....

I ended up just being really blunt with them and saying no because I wanted/needed to say no.

DCM says "Well, why didn't you just say no in the first place?"

Um, because I KNEW this mom would push her boundaries...

She is gone now but lesson learned .....I will never blame licensing again unless it is actually a licensing issue.

[TwinKristi]

I've done this in the past too but be careful because using your license as an excuse is really only a short term fix to a long term problem.

Eventually you will get a parent that will question this and seek out their own answers.

We are required by law to give parents the standard daycare licensing rules link. I had a family read it VERY thoroughly and then make an apt with my licensor to find out if what I said was actually true or not.

My licensor told the family that while the situation in question was not necessarily a state law, it was a PERSONAL provider policy which I have a right to do but since it was a CHOICE on MY part to have or not have that rule, the parent ended up pushing me to allow something I didn't want to allow and then accused me of lying by saying it was a licensing rule....

I ended up just being really blunt with them and saying no because I wanted/needed to say no.

DCM says "Well, why didn't you just say no in the first place?"

Um, because I KNEW this mom would push her boundaries...

She is gone now but lesson learned .....I will never blame licensing again unless it is actually a licensing issue.

Well my license says my hours are 6am to 5:30pm so I'm not using it untruthfully. I just didn't really enforce it. I had kids here til 6pm if mom worked that late and didn't really think twice until I saw someone post it on here and realized hey... Why am I worked 11hr days when I could be working 10 for the same price? LOL and I also found out Nana wasn't working but just lounging around at home and then bad-mouthing her daughter for leaving him here when she wasn't working. I just put an end to they dramatics by enforcing my business hours like I should have from the get go.

[Blackcat31]

Well my license says my hours are 6am to 5:30pm so I'm not using it untruthfully. I just didn't really enforce it. I had kids here til 6pm if mom worked that late and didn't really think twice until I saw someone post it on here and realized hey... Why am I worked 11hr days when I could be working 10 for the same price? LOL and I also found out Nana wasn't working but just lounging around at home and then bad-mouthing her daughter for leaving him here when she wasn't working. I just put an end to they dramatics by enforcing my business hours like I should have from the get go.

Yeah, sometimes in hind-site we wonder why we just didn't enforce something from the get-go.

Good thing everything is a lesson learned.