Addressing Child's Narcissistic Comments?

[therov]

I have a child in care who has striking features, and it's the first thing everyone comments about. She has grown up and been surrounded by people making these comments and, at 5, is now very aware of them and makes them about herself. Today I heard "I look perfect today!" and "I'm cuter than I've ever been!" I am an after-school provider so my time with the child is limited each day.

Is there a kind yet educational way to address these kind of self-involved comments to help the child understand that looks aren't everything? It's troubling enough that I'd like to try to model better language and behavior around her to give her a little balance. I've heard the mom make a comment or two about it, but I think she's just waiting it out and expecting some miracle to arrive to change the behavior.

Thanks.

[Blackcat31]

Children become narcissistic either through indulgence or neglect

An indulged child will feel entitled or feel that she’s special because that’s how she’s been treated. The experience of the child is then that she is really supported in whatever she does.

This kind of excuse making or removal of distress eventually creates an emotionally crippled child because life never offers unequivocal support in all endeavors.

The way it's looked at clinically is that the child is getting something more than he or she needs and it is developmentally a little inappropriate.

You have to let them fall down and skin their knees and learn how to deal with it. There’s a certain amount of mastery and confidence gained in being knocked down and getting back up again.

The second and more common cause of narcissism is emotional neglect or deprivation (which doesn't really sound like this child's situation).

Parents must simply try to decrease the indulgence (in first scenario) or increase the nurturance (if narcissism is caused by neglect)

If this mom is seriously just waiting for some miracle cure to come along, it's going to be ugly. She really needs to educate the child and help her understand that although society DOES make judgments based on personal appearances, it is NOT the only thing we are judged about.

If I were you, I would add to her comments. If she says "I am perfect today" ask her to tell you 3 more things about herself (NOT relating to her beauty or physical features).

REALLY push her other attributes so that she begins to understand that physical appearance will not gain her the rewards she "needs" in life.

Suggest to her mom that SHE needs to start rewording her language and her reaction to others' comments. For example, when someone comments on her beautiful eyes, she should say something like "Yes, she has beautiful eyes and those eyes help her to be the great reader she is!" or if the comment is about her hair, she could say "Yes, she does have pretty hair but she thankfully she is really independent and great at keeping it maintained herself."

ALL things that help her see that there is more to people than just what we first notice.

[therov]

Thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful reply. I'll keep your ideas in mind when I'm speaking to the child and her family from now on!

[spud912]

Blackcat answered so well, I'm afraid I can't compete ::. I do want to mention that about 6 months ago my 5 year old started saying things like "will everyone say I'm beautiful when we go to _______[wherever we were going]?" I realized at that moment that I needed to tone down the comments about her outward appearance and focus on the more important qualities.

Instead, I started saying things like "well, if you are behaving well I think they will say you are such a good girl." The comments about how wonderful she looked surprisingly changed very quickly to "I'm going to be so good." Basically, I just redirected her to a more healthy outlook .

[debbiedoeszip]

I was thinking the same thing. Ignore her comments on her appearance and make a point to compliment her cleverness, creativity, kindness, helpfulness, etc...