Over Validation Taught Wrong Or What Is This?

[daycare]

I have a dck that is 3.5. Family is sweet, kid is sweet. I really don't know what to do with this one. I will try to keep it short.

The child comes in today wearing a cool hoody with a mohawk (sp) on it. I touched the top of it and said WOW that is so cool, I love it. DCK stomps foot, cross's his arms HUMP, I am mad, (says this to mom) I am so mad at Ms. N.

I stand there waiting to hear DCM response. DCM says oh you are, well thank you for using your words, I can see that you are very mad. DCK says, yes I am, I am very very mad and stomps the feet again. DCM says well maybe you should tell Ms. N why you are so mad. Kid says NO, I am too mad at her.

I don't say a word. I am jaw dropped by the odd response. I say bye to mom push out the door and tell kid to find a toy to play with.

then all day today kid was not listening to my asst. He threw a block and my asst told him that it was not ok, we don't throw blocks, we build wit them. DCK repeats throwing. Asst. says please go read a book, we don't throw blocks. Kid repeats morning behavior, cross, arms, stomp, foot and says I am mad, I am so mad. I was behind the wall listening just around a small corner where I could see him he could not see me, so I saw the whole thing happen.

I let my asst handle it and she gets down to his eye level to calmly talk with him and he closes his eyes. She says please look at me when I am talking to you and he keeps them closed. They wait it out a few and then I jump in.

I take him by the hand, remove from the room and tell him that was very disrespectful, please go apologize to ms. E. He does. I told him that he is too tired to listen, please go lay down and go to sleep. He does and he did.

THis has been happening a lot here and I see that the mother really fuels it. BUT I don't understand at all why she is doing this. What she is teaching him is the WRONG response. Example this morning when I touched his jacket, he could have said, no thank you please don't touch my jacket. Instead mom validates that yes he should be mad and it's ok.

WTH- I don't even know where to go with this........

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I would have said, "Use your words to say, "Please don't touch my jacket. I don't like that."" with my eyebrows raised. We DON'T do tantrums here and that is close with the pouting/stomping so that kiddo would have been sent to time alone right after mom was shoved out.

[Cradle2crayons]

I have a dck that is 3.5. Family is sweet, kid is sweet. I really don't know what to do with this one. I will try to keep it short.

The child comes in today wearing a cool hoody with a mohawk (sp) on it. I touched the top of it and said WOW that is so cool, I love it. DCK stomps foot, cross's his arms HUMP, I am mad, (says this to mom) I am so mad at Ms. N.

I stand there waiting to hear DCM response. DCM says oh you are, well thank you for using your words, I can see that you are very mad. DCK says, yes I am, I am very very mad and stomps the feet again. DCM says well maybe you should tell Ms. N why you are so mad. Kid says NO, I am too mad at her.

I don't say a word. I am jaw dropped by the odd response. I say bye to mom push out the door and tell kid to find a toy to play with.

then all day today kid was not listening to my asst. He threw a block and my asst told him that it was not ok, we don't throw blocks, we build wit them. DCK repeats throwing. Asst. says please go read a book, we don't throw blocks. Kid repeats morning behavior, cross, arms, stomp, foot and says I am mad, I am so mad. I was behind the wall listening just around a small corner where I could see him he could not see me, so I saw the whole thing happen.

I let my asst handle it and she gets down to his eye level to calmly talk with him and he closes his eyes. She says please look at me when I am talking to you and he keeps them closed. They wait it out a few and then I jump in.

I take him by the hand, remove from the room and tell him that was very disrespectful, please go apologize to ms. E. He does. I told him that he is too tired to listen, please go lay down and go to sleep. He does and he did.

THis has been happening a lot here and I see that the mother really fuels it. BUT I don't understand at all why she is doing this. What she is teaching him is the WRONG response. Example this morning when I touched his jacket, he could have said, no thank you please don't touch my jacket. Instead mom validates that yes he should be mad and it's ok.

WTH- I don't even know where to go with this........

What about at pickup today if you pull mom aside and say something like,

"Dcm, I'm really confused about what happened this morning. While I appreciate children using their words, I'm unsure about what the whole conversation was about. Not to mention he stomped his foot etc and hat isn't using words. I'm just really trying to figure out what exactly he was mad about and how we can work together to help him REALLY use his words instead of encouraging this type of behavior. Now what are some things we can do to help dcb?"

[Heidi]

It's probably going to happen again. Matter of factly, and in front of mom, I would probably say "well, you can either tell me why your angry, or you can stop being angry THOSE are your choices".

Being angry is ok....making others pay for it is not, and no one has to be angry about every little crap. Yes, that's what I said...that was stupid crap.

[daycare]

it is the most annyoing thing I have ever seen in my whole life. I told him that he could not hit the person next to him, his response was as he did this morning. he even stuck his tongue out at me.

[spinnymarie]

I agree, being angry and talking about that are fine. But using your words is supposed to help resolve the situation, which it did not. I guess if mom is at least happy that he isn't screaming that's something.
However, I would tell him if he is too angry to talk then he can sit and calm down until he is ready to talk about it. Saying "I'm angry" is only the beginning of the situation.
Throwing toys is an immediate time out. No talking, no question, sit in time out. If you do it again, you will be done playing with those toys for the day.
If you can't look at me while I'm talking to you, you can sit and calm down until you are ready to talk to me.
If you stick your tongue out at me, you can sit too. That is rude and we are not rude to people at daycare.
This kid would be spending a lot of time calming down at my house, he seems unreasonably angry -- and like I said, angry is fine, but you also have to get over it.

[Heidi]

After thinking about this, I think it's just an example of a parent misapplying a parenting technique they read about or heard about. Like parents who say they are "AP" and then just think that means you never say no to a child..because that will make them cry.

In a restaurant once last year, I heard a lady badgering her 2 year old to eat with "make a choice" over and over. Like she was getting any choice. So, she was using the "you have a choice" or "make a good choice" words, but totally botching it with the delivery. It was painful to hear, and I had to bite my tongue and mind my own beezwax. I wanted to go over and say "um...lady, why are you saying that? Does it even make SENSE to you?":confused: