I Am SO DONE! (Another rant...)

[Kabob]

So I've been going back and forth on whether to term a family that I've been venting about on here before....the dcm continuously disregards my policies despite multiple corrections and warnings.

This dcm has:

- Sent dcg (2.5 yrs) here sick with the flu and tried to hide it
- Knowingly sent dcb (2 months, now 3 months) here also sick with the flu after she had not been eating all weekend; she tried to hide this issue too
- Broke my potty training policy multiple times (as in sent dcg here in underwear without talking to me first - my policy is dry and fully able to go through the routine herself for 14 days...she has yet to make it past 5 days)
- Continuously makes up stories and is very passive aggressive (i.e. claims I never hold dcbaby one day and literally the next day complains I hold her too much because she "never" wants to be set down at home)
- Continuously fails to bring the necessary supplies despite constant reminders and me making her go back home to get the supplies multiple times

Honestly, I think she either doesn't care or isn't trying. She constantly complains about not having anymore paid time off left and so "can't take anymore days off for the kids" but then comes in THE NEXT DAY bragging about how she took paid time off to get some "me time" at home.

Monday I closed due to everything in the area closing for blizzard-like conditions. The police advised people not to drive. She came yesterday complaining about how upset she was I closed. I merely said "Well, at least your work was closed anyway so you didn't have to worry about getting in trouble with them." Her response was "Well yeah, but I was really looking forward to a day to myself and I had to go to the bank anyway but they were closed for some reason." She also apparently thought (despite this coming up multiple times) that if I closed she didn't have to pay (even though she had to in the past according to contract) and so she also didn't cancel because she hoped I would "cut her a break."

Then today she texts me an hour before I open asking if she "has to bring milk" (dcbaby is breastfed and I've been telling her for WEEKS to bring extra milk because I keep having to dip into my formula supplies that I'M NOT PAID FOR and I keep having to tell dcd to go back home and get more breastmilk after I decided I'm not spending my money on formula because dcm is not planning ahead). I said yes of course. Dcm responds with "well, it's all still frozen, do you still want it?" I said "Better than nothing." Then I realized that this meant she was LYING...she did indeed have extra breastmilk at home...she just chose not to bring it here.

Then dcd shows up for drop off....which only happens lately if dcm is avoiding me because she's up to something (i.e, one of the kids is invariably sick or she broke potty training policy again). Sure enough, dcm texts me after dcd leaves and says "Just so you know, I gave [dcbaby] tylenol at 6am this morning and [dcg] is in underwear because we're out of pullups and I forgot to put a diaper on her. Sorry."

I immediately put dcg back in pullups (which I've offered the extras to dcm) and was too angry to text her back. She KNOWS that I must be notified of both the meds and the underwear BEFORE dropoff. She KNOWS that if it is an emergency (i.e, one of the kids is sick, etc) and she's not sure about policy then she should call me the night before or call me before pickup. I made it clear last time she did this exact same thing that I require a phone call BEFORE drop off. Plus, my policy is that if a child requires pain meds for fever or whatever then they need to stay home. Dcbaby was screaming for most of the day yesterday so I had dcm come get her early...turns out she had three vaccinations that morning but dcm didn't want to take off the day as per my policy because dcbaby missed most of last week due to the flu so she said she "wanted to save her days."

Am I just being a raging pregnant hormonal woman?

I really want to give her term papers today. I'm so over this stress. I don't want to be confrontational though, so I was going to just say basically that "it's not you, it's me" and say that I don't want to deal with a baby in addition to my upcoming baby. Dh thinks I should just tell her I'm terming due to her not following policy.

[Blackcat31]

I really want to give her term papers today. I'm so over this stress. I don't want to be confrontational though, so I was going to just say basically that "it's not you, it's me" and say that I don't want to deal with a baby in addition to my upcoming baby. Dh thinks I should just tell her I'm terming due to her not following policy.

Wow! I can't believe you let this go on for so long....that women would have used up all my patience and understanding the first week.

I agree 100% with your DH. You need to term this family and tell them exactly why.

I would also be texting mom and in reply to her text this morning I would have said "Oh well just so YOU know, DCbaby can't have Tylenol before drop off and I don't allow non-trained children to be in underwear so you will HAVE to come pick them up NOW"

Then when she shows up, give her a term letter stating you are terming effective immediately for failure to respect provider and follow program policies.

Wow! What a whirlwind of chaos this family is!

[spud912]

Wow! I can't believe you let this go on for so long....that women would have used up all my patience and understanding the first week.

I agree 100% with your DH. You need to term this family and tell them exactly why.

I would also be texting mom and in reply to her text this morning I would have said "Oh well just so YOU know, DCbaby can't have Tylenol before drop off and I don't allow non-trained children to be in underwear so you will HAVE to come pick them up NOW"

Then when she shows up, give her a term letter stating you are terming effective immediately for failure to respect provider and follow program policies.

Wow! What a whirlwind of chaos this family is!

I agree!

[mountainside13]

So I've been going back and forth on whether to term a family that I've been venting about on here before....the dcm continuously disregards my policies despite multiple corrections and warnings.

This dcm has:

- Sent dcg (2.5 yrs) here sick with the flu and tried to hide it
- Knowingly sent dcb (2 months, now 3 months) here also sick with the flu after she had not been eating all weekend; she tried to hide this issue too
- Broke my potty training policy multiple times (as in sent dcg here in underwear without talking to me first - my policy is dry and fully able to go through the routine herself for 14 days...she has yet to make it past 5 days)
- Continuously makes up stories and is very passive aggressive (i.e. claims I never hold dcbaby one day and literally the next day complains I hold her too much because she "never" wants to be set down at home)
- Continuously fails to bring the necessary supplies despite constant reminders and me making her go back home to get the supplies multiple times

Honestly, I think she either doesn't care or isn't trying. She constantly complains about not having anymore paid time off left and so "can't take anymore days off for the kids" but then comes in THE NEXT DAY bragging about how she took paid time off to get some "me time" at home.

Monday I closed due to everything in the area closing for blizzard-like conditions. The police advised people not to drive. She came yesterday complaining about how upset she was I closed. I merely said "Well, at least your work was closed anyway so you didn't have to worry about getting in trouble with them." Her response was "Well yeah, but I was really looking forward to a day to myself and I had to go to the bank anyway but they were closed for some reason." She also apparently thought (despite this coming up multiple times) that if I closed she didn't have to pay (even though she had to in the past according to contract) and so she also didn't cancel because she hoped I would "cut her a break."

Then today she texts me an hour before I open asking if she "has to bring milk" (dcbaby is breastfed and I've been telling her for WEEKS to bring extra milk because I keep having to dip into my formula supplies that I'M NOT PAID FOR and I keep having to tell dcd to go back home and get more breastmilk after I decided I'm not spending my money on formula because dcm is not planning ahead). I said yes of course. Dcm responds with "well, it's all still frozen, do you still want it?" I said "Better than nothing." Then I realized that this meant she was LYING...she did indeed have extra breastmilk at home...she just chose not to bring it here.

Then dcd shows up for drop off....which only happens lately if dcm is avoiding me because she's up to something (i.e, one of the kids is invariably sick or she broke potty training policy again). Sure enough, dcm texts me after dcd leaves and says "Just so you know, I gave [dcbaby] tylenol at 6am this morning and [dcg] is in underwear because we're out of pullups and I forgot to put a diaper on her. Sorry."

I immediately put dcg back in pullups (which I've offered the extras to dcm) and was too angry to text her back. She KNOWS that I must be notified of both the meds and the underwear BEFORE dropoff. She KNOWS that if it is an emergency (i.e, one of the kids is sick, etc) and she's not sure about policy then she should call me the night before or call me before pickup. I made it clear last time she did this exact same thing that I require a phone call BEFORE drop off. Plus, my policy is that if a child requires pain meds for fever or whatever then they need to stay home. Dcbaby was screaming for most of the day yesterday so I had dcm come get her early...turns out she had three vaccinations that morning but dcm didn't want to take off the day as per my policy because dcbaby missed most of last week due to the flu so she said she "wanted to save her days."

Am I just being a raging pregnant hormonal woman?

I really want to give her term papers today. I'm so over this stress. I don't want to be confrontational though, so I was going to just say basically that "it's not you, it's me" and say that I don't want to deal with a baby in addition to my upcoming baby. Dh thinks I should just tell her I'm terming due to her not following policy.

I don't think it is pregnancy related. I would be upset too! I wouldn't say that you are terminating because of your new baby, I could see that going badly. I'm sorry they are making things so hard for you!!

[Shell]

Wow! I can't believe you let this go on for so long....that women would have used up all my patience and understanding the first week.

I agree 100% with your DH. You need to term this family and tell them exactly why.

I would also be texting mom and in reply to her text this morning I would have said "Oh well just so YOU know, DCbaby can't have Tylenol before drop off and I don't allow non-trained children to be in underwear so you will HAVE to come pick them up NOW"

Then when she shows up, give her a term letter stating you are terming effective immediately for failure to respect provider and follow program policies.

Wow! What a whirlwind of chaos this family is!

If you can afford to term, it would be a good idea since she doesn't seem to care that she is repeatedly breaking policies. Sometimes, I wonder about these types of parents. Are they naïve? Is their life so much more important than ours that they can't even spend five minutes thinking about how their behaviors negatively impact our days and their children's days. Not worth the hassle anymore! Agree with bc-let them know you are terming because of failure to respect policies/provider. I am non-confrontational, too, but I think you have solid ground to stand on here, so you should stick to your policies.

[Blackcat31]

I am non-confrontational, too, but I think you have solid ground to stand on here, so you should stick to your policies.

But there is a BIG difference between being non-confrontational and simply allowing someone to walk all over you.

This mom is doing this because her provider is allowing her too....

Kabob, I am NOT saying this is your fault as this mom does sound like she is a bit high maintenance but SOME of this IS your fault because you aren't enforcing your own policies, so ultimately why should she?

A HUGE factor in whether or not you succeed in this business or not IS being able to speak up and state your needs.

It really has nothing to do with confrontation.
It has more to do with being an adult.

If you need something, say so.
If you don't like something, say so.
If you aren't ok with what's going on with s certain situation, you really only have two choices.... speak up and say something or just deal with it.

Bottom line is you DO have a choice about what things you allow to happen and what things you don't.

Also, please know I am NOT saying any of this to be mean. I am saying this from my heart because I can "feel" the frustration in your posts/words and it makes me sad that you have to deal with this in your own home.

[Kabob]

But there is a BIG difference between being non-confrontational and simply allowing someone to walk all over you.

This mom is doing this because her provider is allowing her too....

Kabob, I am NOT saying this is your fault as this mom does sound like she is a bit high maintenance but SOME of this IS your fault because you aren't enforcing your own policies, so ultimately why should she?

A HUGE factor in whether or not you succeed in this business or not IS being able to speak up and state your needs.

It really has nothing to do with confrontation.
It has more to do with being an adult.

If you need something, say so.
If you don't like something, say so.
If you aren't ok with what's going on with s certain situation, you really only have two choices.... speak up and say something or just deal with it.

Bottom line is you DO have a choice about what things you allow to happen and what things you don't.

Also, please know I am NOT saying any of this to be mean. I am saying this from my heart because I can "feel" the frustration in your posts/words and it makes me sad that you have to deal with this in your own home.

I think that's why I haven't termed yet...I realize I let it happen the first time so subsequently it became hard to fix. I feel like I should keep giving her chances because I think "maybe I just wasn't clear enough. Let's try again." I also am worried that she'll drag my name through the mud which would be bad for me as a new provider as licensing said if I get any complaints then I won't qualify for a better license. I also don't want to struggle to find new clients. This is all just so scary since there are no guarantees which I knew getting into this but I'm feeling trapped because I'm pregnant...

I agree I should be the strict boss that I was before I started this business but I am wavering when confronted with the idea that I would have to deal with the stress of investigations and no clients....

[Kabob]

I didn't mean to come up with excuses...just trying to explain. I will be terming her today...just not sure how it will go from there.

[Cat Herder]

I didn't mean to come up with excuses...just trying to explain. I will be terming her today...just not sure how it will go from there.

Have you had a sit down, after hours, conference with DCM since enrollment?

If not it is possible that this could be salvaged (unless it is that neighbor lady, I don't like her FOR you ).

Admit you have let things slide with her in the past and that you are very close to having to let her go. Tell her, point blank, your expectations going forward and have her sign a new contract.

She has two choices sign and agree to follow your policies going forward or leave. AKA: "The Come to Jesus Meeting" (not to be insensitive, it is simply a common term)

[Blackcat31]

I didn't mean to come up with excuses...just trying to explain. I will be terming her today...just not sure how it will go from there.

Hun, I don't think you are trying to find excuses....I think you are trying to justify in your mind why others can't be respectful when YOU would.

You are trying to understand why someone would be so rude when YOU would never be that way

You are trying to make sense of behaviors YOU would never have.

I get that. I really really do.

I also think sometimes in this job, we see things so often everyday that it "seems" little or insignificant so we feel bad for complaining about it but the truth is EVERYTHING important in this world started out small or insignificant so the things you are having issues with ARE big....not every day and not all the time but in the grand scheme of things, they ARE big enough that it is affecting your day, your attitude about your job, your stress levels and ultimately your unborn baby....kwim?

I think that you were awesome and understanding for trying to approach this from every angle. I think you were MORE than fair for trying to take some of the blame and continue trying to reach her and get her to understand. I think it was commendable of you to continue thinking it was something you could work through.

I have been there too. I have tried too. I have given 100% of myself too. I have put myself AFTER someone else's needs too.

You aren't wrong for doing that.

However....skipping ahead to now....you KNOW things aren't going to change. You KNOW this mom has zero respect for you. You KNOW she is taking advantage now and it is no longer about whether she understands or not.
You KNOW this is affecting your stress levels.

Now, it's time to take action.

Document EVERYTHING you have had issues with. Call your licensor and tell her everything. Tell her you are going to term and you are trying to be proactive verses reactive and that you don't know how it is going to go down. It may be peaceful or not.

Then term. If you really need to, add a statement in the term letter stating that ANYTHING about you and/or your program is confidential and if anyone in their family talks badly about you/your program, you WILL seek legal action.

Remember that when others bad mouth you, they are saying far more about themselves and their character than they are saying about you.

YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You did your job and did it well. You went above and beyond on MORE than one occasion and you cannot allow a bad client to hold you hostage for fear of bad mouthing you later.

YOU are NOT the one in the wrong here.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Leigh]

Wow! I can't believe you let this go on for so long....that women would have used up all my patience and understanding the first week.

I agree 100% with your DH. You need to term this family and tell them exactly why.

I would also be texting mom and in reply to her text this morning I would have said "Oh well just so YOU know, DCbaby can't have Tylenol before drop off and I don't allow non-trained children to be in underwear so you will HAVE to come pick them up NOW"

Then when she shows up, give her a term letter stating you are terming effective immediately for failure to respect provider and follow program policies.

Wow! What a whirlwind of chaos this family is!

I would have responded to the text immediately that she's going to have to miss MORE work now because she must pick up her children immediately. And term when she picks up.

[Kabob]

Have you had a sit down, after hours, conference with DCM since enrollment?

If not it is possible that this could be salvaged (unless it is that neighbor lady, I don't like her FOR you ).

Admit you have let things slide with her in the past and that you are very close to having to let her go. Tell her, point blank, your expectations going forward and have her sign a new contract.

She has two choices sign and agree to follow your policies going forward or leave. AKA: "The Come to Jesus Meeting" (not to be insensitive, it is simply a common term)

I get what you're saying. The best I tried to do was print off a copy of the handbook and then when she came for pick up one day when it was more calm, I offered it to her saying: "[Dcm], I noticed we seem to keep having misunderstandings about my policies. I know I emailed you a copy of my handbook when we updated our contract, but I thought you would appreciate a printed copy so that we could better communicate in the future." Her response was: "No, I don't need it. I know your policies. Besides, I'm not a paper and rules kind of person. I know you are, which is why I think you're so great. But I'm just too stubborn like [dcg] to constantly worry about 'rules'." I was too shocked to follow up with a response...I almost told her it's no wonder she gets in trouble at work all the time...

But yeah, I just dropped the idea of going over my handbook again with her after that...but the idea has been swirling around because I feel I owe her that chance.

Hun, I don't think you are trying to find excuses....I think you are trying to justify in your mind why others can't be respectful when YOU would.

You are trying to understand why someone would be so rude when YOU would never be that way

You are trying to make sense of behaviors YOU would never have.

I get that. I really really do.

I also think sometimes in this job, we see things so often everyday that it "seems" little or insignificant so we feel bad for complaining about it but the truth is EVERYTHING important in this world started out small or insignificant so the things you are having issues with ARE big....not every day and not all the time but in the grand scheme of things, they ARE big enough that it is affecting your day, your attitude about your job, your stress levels and ultimately your unborn baby....kwim?

I think that you were awesome and understanding for trying to approach this from every angle. I think you were MORE than fair for trying to take some of the blame and continue trying to reach her and get her to understand. I think it was commendable of you to continue thinking it was something you could work through.

I have been there too. I have tried too. I have given 100% of myself too. I have put myself AFTER someone else's needs too.

You aren't wrong for doing that.

However....skipping ahead to now....you KNOW things aren't going to change. You KNOW this mom has zero respect for you. You KNOW she is taking advantage now and it is no longer about whether she understands or not.
You KNOW this is affecting your stress levels.

Now, it's time to take action.

Document EVERYTHING you have had issues with. Call your licensor and tell her everything. Tell her you are going to term and you are trying to be proactive verses reactive and that you don't know how it is going to go down. It may be peaceful or not.

Then term. If you really need to, add a statement in the term letter stating that ANYTHING about you and/or your program is confidential and if anyone in their family talks badly about you/your program, you WILL seek legal action.

Remember that when others bad mouth you, they are saying far more about themselves and their character than they are saying about you.

YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You did your job and did it well. You went above and beyond on MORE than one occasion and you cannot allow a bad client to hold you hostage for fear of bad mouthing you later.

YOU are NOT the one in the wrong here.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head, again. I just feel like I failed somehow. I always have believed that every relationship is a two-way street and so I feel like I fail when she fails.

It's funny because I never felt this way at my previous job when an employee failed to show up on time for work or failed to follow any other policy. I would just give them one warning and then it was bye-bye. I didn't need people that would cause more stress on my job and also stress out the other employees that were following all the policies. They deserve to not have to work twice as hard to pick up the slack.

It's just an adjustment I know I need to make. I keep saying that, I know. But I am doing better. I feel I interviewed better this time around when I found a new family for the last one that left and I now say something directly the first time an issue comes up (there haven't been much with my other families so far - it seems one dcm even knows my handbook by heart!). I've just been having issues with my past "mistakes."

But yes, the past is the past and now I need to do something. I've been mulling over how to put this professionally. I'm just going to go with the whole "you broke policies" letter and just smile and wave as she walks out the door today, letter in hand. Fortunately, I keep very good records and have kept all the written communication that we've had between us as well as dates of other issues. I know I would survive any scrutiny but I just hope I don't have to deal with the stress...better than this long-term stress, though. Again, lesson learned.

Thanks for letting me vent...I am feeling much better.

[DaycareMom]

Agree with BC 100%!
I did that with my first couple families. Kind of let them do whatever and didn't want to make a big deal of what seemed like small things. Problem is when you give an inch, they take a mile.
I have stuck to my policies since then, and everything has been much better!
It's so good that you have documented everything.

Keep us updated!

[Kabob]

I'm just stuck on how detailed I want to get into with this letter. I termed once before with just a simple letter stating the contract was being terminated and by which date and then in person I explained why I was terming the contract. Should I do that again? I have a detailed explanation ready for why I chose to end the contract as well, but I'm not sure if it'll matter to her anyway...she'll fight me either way, I'm sure...

At least the detailed term letter can be used to explain to licensing...

[DaycareMom]

I think you should put this in your letter "for failure to respect provider and follow program policies.", and if she asks specifics, tell her in person.