Just Can't Cope

[daycare]

I have a dck who is almost 5. has been in my care for 3 years. Child is pretty shy, always has pretty good behavior, but ZERO ability to cope. child attend full time.

yesterday we had an incident where this DCK1 and another DCK2 were playing together and DCK1 called DCK2 a name. DCK1 was kind of joking, but DCK2 did not like it at all and did an excellent job of using their words and DCK2 says, don't call me that, i don't like it." DCK1 breaks down and has a crying fit for almost an hour. I don't feed into it at all. I tell DCK1, please come take a break and relax, you are safe, you are ok. I know you are upset, but you need to use your words. Well DCM comes to pick up and DCK is still crying about this. I tell dcm, she tears up?????? DCK1 comes around the corner and sees mom and begins a scream crying like someone hurt them.

I tell DCM and DCB, you need to relax, take a deep breath and use your words. BUT DCM is coddling DCK and just saying ahhh poor baby, are you ok.

Well they leave and I think it's done. NOPE this morning at drop off, DCK1 comes in and starts crying about the incident. DCM stays, coddles DCK for about 10 minutes (way too long) and just works them self up into a crying, sobering hot mess. I finally have a second to hop in and say, hey DCK you are ok, everyone is ok and we need to get ready for our day, say good-bye to mom. Ends there with mom, kid cried for another 15 minutes after.

This kid is going to start school in the fall. I don't know how to help this child build some coping skills. Obviously Mom feeds into it, so I can't do anything about that. BUT I want to work on it here. This kid is going to sink when they start school and be bullied if they do this every time something like this happens.

Any suggestions on what I can do to help DCK1???

thanks for still listening.

[mountainside13]

I have a dck who is almost 5. has been in my care for 3 years. Child is pretty shy, always has pretty good behavior, but ZERO ability to cope. child attend full time.

yesterday we had an incident where this DCK1 and another DCK2 were playing together and DCK1 called DCK2 a name. DCK1 was kind of joking, but DCK2 did not like it at all and did an excellent job of using their words and DCK2 says, don't call me that, i don't like it." DCK1 breaks down and has a crying fit for almost an hour. I don't feed into it at all. I tell DCK1, please come take a break and relax, you are safe, you are ok. I know you are upset, but you need to use your words. Well DCM comes to pick up and DCK is still crying about this. I tell dcm, she tears up?????? DCK1 comes around the corner and sees mom and begins a scream crying like someone hurt them.

I tell DCM and DCB, you need to relax, take a deep breath and use your words. BUT DCM is coddling DCK and just saying ahhh poor baby, are you ok.

Well they leave and I think it's done. NOPE this morning at drop off, DCK1 comes in and starts crying about the incident. DCM stays, coddles DCK for about 10 minutes (way too long) and just works them self up into a crying, sobering hot mess. I finally have a second to hop in and say, hey DCK you are ok, everyone is ok and we need to get ready for our day, say good-bye to mom. Ends there with mom, kid cried for another 15 minutes after.

This kid is going to start school in the fall. I don't know how to help this child build some coping skills. Obviously Mom feeds into it, so I can't do anything about that. BUT I want to work on it here. This kid is going to sink when they start school and be bullied if they do this every time something like this happens.

Any suggestions on what I can do to help DCK1???

thanks for still listening.

Am I reading this right? "Joe" called daycare kid a name, daycare kid said he didn't like it so Joe got upset and joes mom was so hurt by another child saying they didn't like the name?

[Michael]

I'm sure this is not much help but my first inclination is to suggest that the mother homeschool this child.

[daycare]

Am I reading this right? "Joe" called daycare kid a name, daycare kid said he didn't like it so Joe got upset and joes mom was so hurt by another child saying they didn't like the name?

so joe called john a silly name...no big deal. but JOnny didn't like it and told joe. so joe cried for an hour and still having issues with it today.

When Joe's mom came, she got really upset when I told her, didn't say too much and then babied Joe like he was dying....

[daycare]

I'm sure this is not much help but my first inclination is to suggest that the mother homeschool this child.

exactly my thoughts too. BUT how do you tell someone that. I have tried to voice my concerns to dcm, she does listen, but she is over the top about every little thing.

[mountainside13]

so joe called john a silly name...no big deal. but JOnny didn't like it and told joe. so joe cried for an hour and still having issues with it today.

When Joe's mom came, she got really upset when I told her, didn't say too much and then babied Joe like he was dying....

Ok. That's very odd. I don't understand why the child and mom would be so upset about that. I'm sorry but I have no advice.

I agree with Michael! She might want to homeschool.

[TwinKristi]

I would have a heart to heart with her and explain what happened and that her reaction truly only made the whole thing worse. I would ask her what her plans are for Fall when he goes to school? If he has a hard time coping here, what will happen there??

[daycare]

I would have a heart to heart with her and explain what happened and that her reaction truly only made the whole thing worse. I would ask her what her plans are for Fall when he goes to school? If he has a hard time coping here, what will happen there??

this is exactly my thought. I love this kid, I would hate to know that I have not done all that I can to help set him up for success. My program claims we prepare for kinder, this is part of it. Although, I do understand that I can't win them all, FOR ME, I have to know that I tried.

I can tell you that home schooling would not be an option, parents are divorced.

[spud912]

Wow .... that is absurd! I would definitely say something to mom (or email it if it's easier).

"Hi Enabling Mom,

I wanted to touch bases with you on the incident that happened yesterday. I hope there was no misunderstanding in what occurred and wanted to clear up what happened. Your son had called DCB a ______ and DCB told him "____," which is an appropriate response and one that I encourage all children to do in my care. Your son was obviously upset about this response and proceeded to cry for in excess of an hour, then continuing to do so when you picked up and dropped off the next day.

While I do want children to show their emotions, I expect them to do it in an appropriate manner by using their words. Unfortunately, I worry that your son's reaction will not bode well when he starts school in the fall. In the future, I think it would work best in your son's favor if we were to work together to help your son use his words and respond appropriately. Thank you so much for your understanding!

Sincerely,

Your Daycare Provider"

[daycare]

Wow .... that is absurd! I would definitely say something to mom (or email it if it's easier).

"Hi Enabling Mom,

I wanted to touch bases with you on the incident that happened yesterday. I hope there was no misunderstanding in what occurred and wanted to clear up what happened. Your son had called DCB a ______ and DCB told him "____," which is an appropriate response and one that I encourage all children to do in my care. Your son was obviously upset about this response and proceeded to cry for in excess of an hour, then continuing to do so when you picked up and dropped off the next day.

While I do want children to show their emotions, I expect them to do it in an appropriate manner by using their words. Unfortunately, I worry that your son's reaction will not bode well when he starts school in the fall. In the future, I think it would work best in your son's favor if we were to work together to help your son use his words and respond appropriately. Thank you so much for your understanding!

Sincerely,

Your Daycare Provider"

yeah I agree. something needs to be said. the name calling was not really the issue here, it was how the child reacted. We need to help the child to learn to cope without the assistance of an adult being present every second. The child needs to learn to cope on their own.

Mistakes are great opportunities to learn and this would have been a great learning experience, but with mom not on my team, I can't help dck. we are a small group, he's a big fish in a little pond. In the fall he will be a little fish in a big SEA, who will be swallowed by the sharks, whales and the like.

[MotherNature]

No advice, but that's ridiculous sounding! I get being a sensitive kid, but that seems like something way beyond sensitive, especially withthe mom tearing up too? Weird.. Who does that? Odd reaction to your kid calling someone a name.

[TwinKristi]

That letter is a great start to the communication. Maybe this would be a good lead into Kinder readiness for them and talk to her about her goals for him entering school. Do you do an evaluation and such for readiness? I know our preschool did this in the 4's classes. They did one in Fall and then Spring and have a conference about where they're at and what to work on, etc. Is he ready in the other areas? Academically, physically, etc? Obviously emotionally he may not be ready, but that's something you can work on. Every child IS different as we all know, my twins, even though they were academically and socially-emotionally ready, one of my twins flipped out his first day in Kindy. Cried and hid under a table and made a huge scene when I left after the 30 minute meet and greet. His twin didn't even want me to come in the classroom with him! He waved and said "bye mom!" and couldn't wait to go. So two kids, same daycare, same preschool, same home... totally different responses to school. I can TOTALLY see this child pulling a stunt like that and mom crying and breaking down and bringing him home setting the bar for when she'll cave. I have learned over the years to save the tears for after you're done dealing with something. Even if its all you can do to hold it inside. It only makes THEM cry worse and then you have this emotional struggle. They know that turning on the water works turns on mom's water works and he knows that's all he has to do to get her upset and get his way. She needs to get better control of her emotions when it comes to parenting this little boy and get him on track emotionally for kinder!!!

[daycare]

No advice, but that's ridiculous sounding! I get being a sensitive kid, but that seems like something way beyond sensitive, especially withthe mom tearing up too? Weird.. Who does that? Odd reaction to your kid calling someone a name.

I do think there is something else going on. the more I think about it, I think this issue is bigger than me and the family needs to seek professional help.

[Josiegirl]

Is dcm always like this or does she act like she's at the end of her rope? When was the divorce and how did that go? That could be the whole crux of the matter. That can certainly send everybody's emotions into a tailspin. But dcm, being the adult, will have to keep her emotions more in check when dealing with ds. She is the adult and unfortunately, as much as we'd love to sit and sob with our kids sometimes, it just cannot happen. Learned behavior and all that. I have no advice to offer except, if you feel close enough to her, maybe gently tell her in so many words, that she needs to be the positive role model for her ds. There will be many many MANY terrible things said to him along the way and being ultra sensitive it's gonna be a tough road for him.

If it's any consolation, my son was apt to be a sensitive type, was known to cry a few times at school. Today he's 32, buys his gf of 11 years roses and treats her like a queen. He wears a suit and tie to every interview no matter the job. He is polite beyond anybody I know. So dcb will survive, hopefully his sensitivity will be a big plus when he's an adult.