Am I The Only One.....???

[valley25]

I am starting to wonder if I am just an all out "bad" person because I can honestly say that I don't enjoy what I do one bit. I started in this business because of my son being diagnosed with a condition that didn't allow for me to maintain my full time, extremely hectic position as a clinical social worker. I loved what I did, this not so much. However it was about the only thing I could do that enabled me to stay home and earn an income as a single parent. I never expected to still be doing it 5 years later and each day I find myself waking up dreading the day a little more then the day before. I can't ever seem to get well adjusted, mannerable "normal" kids and the families are always train wrecks that pull me into their marital drama or family crises due to my clinical background and to be honest it is draining and exasperating.

I hate to even admit this, but I truly don't think there is one child in particular that I actually enjoy having...I count the hours til they leave. They are all fed well, tended to, interacted with and stimulated. They are all treated with respect and kindness however I find myself resenting them for all the destruction to my home, countless hours cleaning and prepping, missed time with my own kids, unappreciative and overindulgent parents and what I find most appalling is the total lack of structure these kids come with and then turn around and bring nothing but chaos and destruction to my home. I know they are kids and its irrational to resent kids for these things but I am totally burnt out, have hit a total motivational block, and ended up hiring an assistant to just avoid being here as much as possible the last 6 months or so. The money is nice, I am always full, always paid on time and most of all able to support my family...but I am starting to wonder at what cost.

I am miserable, I am so unhappy and I just don't know what I have left in me however at this point have invested so much time and money into this that to just abandon it all now would be so disheartening. I just don't know what to do. I find myself resenting the babies for needing to be changed or fed, the kids for wanting snacks or to need help on the toilet....etc. I feel like a horrible human being but I just can't seem to come out of this slump and pull myself together. Am I just being a martyr or is it maybe really time to think about calling it quits? UGH!!!

[mountainside13]

I am starting to wonder if I am just an all out "bad" person because I can honestly say that I don't enjoy what I do one bit. I started in this business because of my son being diagnosed with a condition that didn't allow for me to maintain my full time, extremely hectic position as a clinical social worker. I loved what I did, this not so much. However it was about the only thing I could do that enabled me to stay home and earn an income as a single parent. I never expected to still be doing it 5 years later and each day I find myself waking up dreading the day a little more then the day before. I can't ever seem to get well adjusted, mannerable "normal" kids and the families are always train wrecks that pull me into their marital drama or family crises due to my clinical background and to be honest it is draining and exasperating.

I hate to even admit this, but I truly don't think there is one child in particular that I actually enjoy having...I count the hours til they leave. They are all fed well, tended to, interacted with and stimulated. They are all treated with respect and kindness however I find myself resenting them for all the destruction to my home, countless hours cleaning and prepping, missed time with my own kids, unappreciative and overindulgent parents and what I find most appalling is the total lack of structure these kids come with and then turn around and bring nothing but chaos and destruction to my home. I know they are kids and its irrational to resent kids for these things but I am totally burnt out, have hit a total motivational block, and ended up hiring an assistant to just avoid being here as much as possible the last 6 months or so. The money is nice, I am always full, always paid on time and most of all able to support my family...but I am starting to wonder at what cost.

I am miserable, I am so unhappy and I just don't know what I have left in me however at this point have invested so much time and money into this that to just abandon it all now would be so disheartening. I just don't know what to do. I find myself resenting the babies for needing to be changed or fed, the kids for wanting snacks or to need help on the toilet....etc. I feel like a horrible human being but I just can't seem to come out of this slump and pull myself together. Am I just being a martyr or is it maybe really time to think about calling it quits? UGH!!!

:hug:
There is a great sticky about provider burnout at the top. I think a lot of providers feel burnt out at one time or another. It is upsetting when parents don't respect us or give us credit or when the kiddos break our stuff. I started making the parents pay for things their kids break. Good luck!

[Play Care]

The day I feel like you do is the day I call it quits. :hug::hug:

How old is your son? Are there special needs centers that can take him? Being a single parent, could you be eligible for state aid? And lastly, I'm obviously not an expert but I've worked with many social workers and there is such a demand - can you find a job that might be more flexible? It's time to start putting out feelers, IMHO.
Best of luck to you!!

[Blackcat31]

It's right here: https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66513

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I do have a lot of great info on Provider Burnout to share, though.... Know you are not alone. :hug:

PROVIDER BURNOUT

In a study conducted at the University of Maryland, by Susan Walker, PhD, in-home family daycare providers were proven to be particularly prone to personal stress. The factors that they stated contributed to this were: long hours (average of 60 hours a week), low pay (an average of $15,000 a year), and the low value of their job to the public despite the huge need for care. All of these factors deem daycare providers at high risk for burnout.

There are three stages of burnout:

1. Stress Arousal Stage Persistent irritability and anxiety
Bruxism and/or Insomnia
Occasional forgetfulness and/or inability to concentrate
2. Stress Resistance Stage Absenteeism or tardiness for work
Tired and fatigued for no reason
Procrastination and indecision
Social withdrawal with cynicism
Resentful, indifferent, defiant
Increased use of coffee, alcohol, tobacco, etc.
3. Severe Exhaustion Stage Chronic sadness or depression
Chronic mental and physical fatigue
Chronic stress related illnesses (headache, stomach ache, bowel problems, etc.)

So how do you know if you or a loved one is suffering from burnout?
Here are the early warning signs.

Chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
Anger at those making demands
Self-criticism for putting up with the demands
Cynicism, negativity, and irritability
A sense of being besieged
Exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things
Frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbance
Weight loss or gain
Sleeplessness and depression
Shortness of breath
Suspiciousness
Feelings of helplessness
Increased degree of risk taking
Isolation, withdrawal, self-destructive thoughts

What do you do if you are suffering from burnout?

Take a break!!! Get a massage, meditate, hide, stare at a wall...get away!
Ask for love ones to lighten the load and help with your responsibilities.
Simplify your life. What can you take out?
Relax and nurture yourself.
Seek professional help if it gets severe.
Reduce your stress!!!

STRESS
Know thy enemy...

Studies has proven that in-home daycare providers are more prone to stress than the average bear.
Yet there are little or no resources to daycare providers for reducing and managing stress.
Why is this? We can only suppose that everyone is too stressed out to do anything about it!

In a study of providers in Maryland:
37% of providers rated themselves as experiencing very high
or somewhat high levels of stress in the past month
54.5% had effects on health behaviors
51.7% enjoy their job less than typical population
35% report feeling bad physically
33.6% experienced strong moods

WHAT IS STRESS?

Stress is the excitement, feeling of anxiety and/or physical tension that occurs when
demands placed on an individual exceed his or her ability to cope.

We need stress in many ways. It helps us to survive, it is our fight or flight response.
It helps us to cross the street, move out of the way when something is thrown at us, be frightened
when somebody yells “boo”. We want to stay out of the way of danger so our body physically
responds to surprises so we don’t kill ourselves and we fear things.

Stress response: When challenged, the body undergoes a progressive series of responses that are first triggered by an external stimulus termed the stressor. The more prolonged and accelerating reactions produce an intense and severe disruption called strain. All of this moves the body away from homeostasis, the maintenance of equilibrium of the internal body functions in response to external changes.

WHAT CAUSES STRESS?

Psychological causes
Life changes--events, circumstances or perceptions
Overload--too much to do, not enough time to do it
Insufficient resources--not enough money or time
Frustration--lack of happiness or fulfillment
Trauma or loss--death of a close friend or relative

External causes
Occupation
Environmental strain (noise, temperature, etc.)
Substance abuse (alcohol/drugs)
Nutritional excesses (caffeine, sugar)
Nutritional deficiencies (vitamins or nutrients)

Personality causes
Self-perception
Anxious reactivity, hypervigilance, worry
Need for control,
Time urgency
Anger or hostility

Major sources of stress in daycare include:

conflicts with parents
role conflict
not being able to balance work and family
fairness in housework
feeling overloaded
not having enough time for family activities
not enough time with family
not enough money
conflict with their own family
not having enough children in their daycare

Other things that effect our stress:

Poor resource management: Time and money are precious and limited resources. Wasting either of these creates serious tension and stress. Unwillingness to delegate or let go of control also increases stress.

Personal relationships: Romance and love are exciting eustress experiences while conflict, jealousy and resentment are common distresses when a relationship breaks down.

Self-perception: Low self-esteem and self-confidence together with the absence of feeling connected or empowered, can all precipitate stress reactions. Taken to excess (self-confidence) these can lead to egoism and ****iness which will cause different stress reactions.

Beliefs and attitudes: Family scripts like "A penny saved is a penny earned," "A job worth doing is worth doing well" can cause undue stress and force the person to live up to an unrealistic image.

WHAT ARE POSSIBLE EFFECTS OF STRESS ON THE BODY?

muscle tightness and tension
decreased immunity, increased sickness
aches/pains in back and neck
fatigue and lack of energy
headaches, migraines
digestive problems
depression and/or anxiety
decreased ability of movement
accelerated aging
These can lead to: high blood pressure; restricted movement;
ulcers; heart attack; cancer; stroke; etc.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT OUR STRESS?

Simplify your life
Avoid over-commitment and over-responsibility
Learn how to say "NO".
Delegate your duties, have others help you.
Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep
Relax and breathe
Take some time for you everyday

REDUCING STRESS

"It's not what happens to you in life that matters,
it's how you react to what happens to you that counts."

4 areas that you can reduce stress in your daycare business:

1. Daycare environment-
How is your daycare set up? Is it cluttered? Are toys and activities easily accessible? Is it bright and cheery or dark and dreary? What colors are the basic colors of the room? Does the area provide space to relax or is it constantly high energy? Did you know that you can use color and scents to induce different moods and tones in your house?

2. Business Practices-
Do your parents drive you crazy? Do they know what is expected of them? Do you have policies in place? Do you act like a professional? Did you know that you can train your parents how to treat you and your business? How do you find the balance between giving the parents what they want and keeping your sanity? Do you run your daycare like a business or like a babysitting service? Do you have preschool programs? What can you do to enhance your services to the family that you can have fun with?

3. Children-
Do the children know what is expected of them? Are you consistent with discipline or is it something you have to continue to revisit? Do children have a balance of relaxing and stimulating activities? Is there enough transition time between activities? Is there enough variety of toys and activities for each child's interests? Do you have engaging activities such as music, exercise or stretching, yoga, dancing, that keeps the children interested and allow them to use fine and gross motor control?

4. Your self-
Do you take enough time for you? (HA!--we all say) Do you think you DESERVE time for yourself? Do you know how to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? Do you exercise some everyday besides lifting kids on and off the diaper changing table? Do you have a hobby that you have been dying to take up? Is your attitude positive? Can you learn how to make some time for yourself everyday? Are you too serious or do you laugh things off easily? Do you over-commit yourself? Do you ask others for help? Do you take time off?

[Great Beginnings]

OMG! I could have written this myself!

I started daycare 7 years ago, also as a single mother. I was a social worker for the county ! I specialized in drug and alcohol counseling. I absolutely LOVED my job. However, my son was due to start Kindergarten and I was afraid I was missing way too much of his life since I would come home, make dinner, bath then bed. Soon I would need to add homework and study time to that. As a single mom it seemed the only way to spend time with my son and pay the bills.

Honestly I hated what I did for years. It's got to the point that if my friends invite me over to their house and it's kid friendly, I wont go. I deal with them 50 hours a week and I don't want to entertain children after hours or especially on weekends !

I got rid of all the problem children and got very picky and choosy with who I took in. That helped me breath a lot easier. Now it seems the only obsticle is the parents Some days I'm ok but others I just hate parents walking in my house, the kids acting different, and the parents thinking it's cute their kid is disrespecting me. I dread the chit chat wanting to hear about how cute they were today, I dread the 20 minute drop off's that make a good kid misbehave, I dread the excuses for why they can't pay and me needing to look like the greedy witch, I hate the phone calls while I'm spending time with my family asking me if so and so left some stupid item. I guess all I can say is thank God we only put up with the parents for 30 minutes a day and not 8-10 hours ::

Hugs to you :hug:

[Annalee]

I am starting to wonder if I am just an all out "bad" person because I can honestly say that I don't enjoy what I do one bit. I started in this business because of my son being diagnosed with a condition that didn't allow for me to maintain my full time, extremely hectic position as a clinical social worker. I loved what I did, this not so much. However it was about the only thing I could do that enabled me to stay home and earn an income as a single parent. I never expected to still be doing it 5 years later and each day I find myself waking up dreading the day a little more then the day before. I can't ever seem to get well adjusted, mannerable "normal" kids and the families are always train wrecks that pull me into their marital drama or family crises due to my clinical background and to be honest it is draining and exasperating.

I hate to even admit this, but I truly don't think there is one child in particular that I actually enjoy having...I count the hours til they leave. They are all fed well, tended to, interacted with and stimulated. They are all treated with respect and kindness however I find myself resenting them for all the destruction to my home, countless hours cleaning and prepping, missed time with my own kids, unappreciative and overindulgent parents and what I find most appalling is the total lack of structure these kids come with and then turn around and bring nothing but chaos and destruction to my home. I know they are kids and its irrational to resent kids for these things but I am totally burnt out, have hit a total motivational block, and ended up hiring an assistant to just avoid being here as much as possible the last 6 months or so. The money is nice, I am always full, always paid on time and most of all able to support my family...but I am starting to wonder at what cost.

I am miserable, I am so unhappy and I just don't know what I have left in me however at this point have invested so much time and money into this that to just abandon it all now would be so disheartening. I just don't know what to do. I find myself resenting the babies for needing to be changed or fed, the kids for wanting snacks or to need help on the toilet....etc. I feel like a horrible human being but I just can't seem to come out of this slump and pull myself together. Am I just being a martyr or is it maybe really time to think about calling it quits? UGH!!!

You are not a bad person and may have to fulfill this job until something changes. If you are burnout, you can fix that by resetting your contract/policy, joining a support group, etc....It is possible you need an entire job change. When I was trained to mentor, I was taught that it is OK to enhance job skills in a protege/provider or to help a provider know this job isn't for them. You are not a bad person, you just need to regroup and see where you are and what direction you want to go or remain where you are. Only you can make these decisions and whatever you choose, do not beat yourself up. Move forward with a smile!

[Brooksie]

I am you! I started this 2 years ago as a single parent just looking to spend time with dd and make money.... it was a disaster! Not my businness per say, I am highly recommended and run an excellent program, all my families love me... its just the toll it took on me and my daughter. I am miserable all the time and she is too. Her behavior and emotional issues have brought me to taking her to therapy and turns out the issue is strictly because of having a daycare in her home. She has anxiety attacks because of it and acts out intensely.

I'm always exhausted, never want to be touched at the end of the day, sometimes feel that resentment, especially when the babies are fussy or whining or snotty or have a horribly disgusting diaper... My house is never totally clean. I resent never being able to leave work so I'm always stressed about it. My poor boyfriend is being neglected in many ways and I take my stress out on him..

We just had something come up with our landlord and it was my way out. I took it, and am so glad I did. I just started selling all my daycare stuff and cannot wait to move into a house that is just a home and not a business. I think when you are feeling such extremes as you are, its time to call it quits. You will be so much happier. I'm not even done yet, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel has been so relieving and I feel like I can finally enjoy my life again..

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

[BrooklynM]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I felt the same way with the job I had before I started doing daycare. I was misrable. I felt almost dead inside. It was ****ing the life out of me and the people I worked for were TERRIBLE. Daycare for me has been amazing. I love the kids and I have never loved working so much. I don't miss commuting or working for people that didn't have the same values I had like treating people with respect.

Life is so short and I think you need to do what you enjoy. If there is anyway to get out of this and do what you want to do, do it! I think the first step is admitting it, which you have done, so that is great that you are being honest with yourself! So many times I would find myself lying about my past job- oh, its great, I love it. I don't know why I lied, but I did.

Try to set up an exit strategy. What would that look like? What are your optioins? Sometimes just knowing you have other options and a plan helps you deal with your current situation. How is your son now? Does he require the same care? :hug:

[My3cents]

the difference between you and I is that I chose this career for myself, as something I wanted to do. Not as a reason to be home with my child. Do I have bad days.........you bet. All jobs have bad days. If everyday is a bad day then it probably is time to look for something else for yourself. You only have one life to live, why waste your time being unhappy day in and day out. $ will come and go, but your happiness will be remembered by not just you all those around you that, you effect. I say do your homework, figure out you and where you want to be and go and make baby steps towards change for a better you. Its ok to not like doing this job- its high stress, demanding physically, and isolating for the most part, you have to be able to wear many hats and juggle a lot at a whims notice. Its ok to say this is not for me........go find yourselflovethis:hug:

[butterfly]

I think you need to find a new profession. Some of your comments make me fear that you may take your resentment out on the children and end up causing them harm. I'm sure you'd never want to harm a child, but if you are that unhappy, you need to be done with this profession or make some serious changes to your program to allow you to enjoy what you do.

I don't feel that this is a job you can safely continue for very long if it isn't fulfilling you.

:hug:

[jenboo]

the difference between you and I is that I chose this career for myself, as something I wanted to do. Not as a reason to be home with my child. Do I have bad days.........you bet. All jobs have bad days. If everyday is a bad day then it probably is time to look for something else for yourself. You only have one life to live, why waste your time being unhappy day in and day out. $ will come and go, but your happiness will be remembered by not just you all those around you that, you effect. I say do your homework, figure out you and where you want to be and go and make baby steps towards change for a better you. Its ok to not like doing this job- its high stress, demanding physically, and isolating for the most part, you have to be able to wear many hats and juggle a lot at a whims notice. Its ok to say this is not for me........go find yourselflovethis:hug:

I totally agree. This is my dream job. I don't have any kids of my own yet. I decided i wanted to run a home daycare when i was getting my degree in child and family development. I have my good days and bad days.
I see this job as any other job. Its not for everyone, its not easy. If i decided to go be an engineer, there is no way I would last.
Its ok to not like this job. Happiness is way more important.

[Unregistered]

I feel the same way - and it's not just so easy to quit and get a different job after so many years in the daycare business. Who's going to hire a 50 year old woman who hasn't "worked" in 20 years unless it's fast food or something else minimum wage. I count the hours, I don't really like the kids much and I'm working on my 5 year plan to get OUT of this. I don't care what anyone posts about it either, it's the way I feel.