Dealing With Parents That Aren't Together (And Fighting)

[DancingQueen]

I have a dcg who's parents were never a couple.

Mom drops off every day and dad picks up every day.

Mom signed the contract. Both parents are listed on the contract but only mom signed it and gave it back to me.

Mom is low income and qualified for state aid and it is all in her name - not dad's name at all.

But dad is obviously actively involved and I'll be dealing with him just as much as I deal with mom.

If dad asks me any questions regarding payments am I obligated to share?

Or better yet - am I allowed to say "that information is confidential"? Since he isn't making the payments?


To add to this confusion - this dcg is a restart. The last time she was here dad had signed the contract and he was making the payments even though the state was paying for a portion of her care in mom's name.

But now mom and dad are fighting ******** - court date 12/6
I just want to know my legal responsibilities before they start (Monday)

[Michael]

IMHO, say "that information is confidential" since he isn't making the payments. Assure him that the care is being paid for. He may be prodding if anyother "person/man" is paying.

[QualiTcare]

i would have a talk with the mom and see what she wants. my daughter's father and i weren't married, but he was just as involved as i was and picked her up from daycare, etc.

when we broke up, i told the director he wasn't allowed to pick her up anymore, etc. (i had reasons for this) and she said she needed court documents at which time i told her she didn't because we were never married so i had sole custody (which is how it works) and she took him off the pickup list.

BUT when i met my husband, after we'd been together forever - he and his mother would pick up my daughter (no relation to them at all) and he would make payments, etc. because i said it was okay.

JMO - but if the father wants to make a payment for the mom and you tell him no, she might be more annoyed than if you just ask her if she wants you to share that information with him. then again, you'd think she would just tell him how much to pay if he was wanting to pay it and he'd just hand you money instead of asking questions. i'd def. talk to the mom.

[DancingQueen]

she said she needed court documents at which time i told her she didn't because we were never married so i had sole custody (which is how it works) and she took him off the pickup list.

Really? That isn't how it works here. As long as he is on the birth certificate he can pick up. I was told that if I refuse he has every right to go to the police and the police will make me hand over the child. That without a court document I can NEVER EVER refuse dad or mom pick up. Or else I could get into a lot of trouble.

I don't think it is anywhere near the point of wanting to refuse a pick up. And I don't believe he will try to make payments. he is actually not paying this time because he doesn't believe he should have to pay for daycare at all. (or child support LOL).
I told mom that given the circumstances I would just prefer that all payments be made through her and she agreed.

I guess I just wanted to make sure that if dad really became an ass that I can say that I don't have to share anything with him.


I was wondering something though. Mom put dad and mom's name on the contract but dad never signed it.

Do you think I'd be better off if mom did a new contract with JUST her name on it but had dad listed as an approved person to pick up? This way he isn't listed on the contract at all?

[DancingQueen]

oh and dad just asked me for a coy of my handbook. If he isn't on the contract should I give him a copy?
I really don't think there is any reason I DON'T want to give him one. But is there a reason I SHOULDN'T give him one? LOL

[QualiTcare]

no, if a woman isn't married - the father can sign a "waiver of paternity" acknowledging that he is the father - basically, he isn't disputing it and asking for a paternity test.

he still has no legal rights until he goes to court and asks for them - and they're granted.

marriage makes a huge difference. if a woman has a child with someone other than her husband, her husband is legally considered the father just bc they're married. a man who has a child out of wedlock basically has no rights until/unless he goes to court.

[kidkair]

I have a similar situation. Mom and dad both pay half but only mom signed contract and according to her she is the only one with custody. Yesterday dad called and said he was no longer resposible for his share and wouldn't be picking her up on the days he usually does and to talk to mom about it. I talked to mom and she said she'd pay and just let her know how much and when. Then he called back and said never mind about the cancelation because the preschool won't take her. I called and talked to mom and let her know what was going on and she said he cannot do that and thanks for letting her know. She also assured me that she was not planning on changing her kid to preschool. I talk with and get money from dad but if I have any issues I don't hesitate talking to mom. Good luck!

[MommyMuffin]

I am not sure what information I would get from them but I would call nonemergent police number and see if they have any recommendations

[DancingQueen]

It isn't so drastic as needing the police. He is allowed to pick up etc...
I just want to confirm that I do not have to share contract information and payment information with him.

[MarinaVanessa]

no, if a woman isn't married - the father can sign a "waiver of paternity" acknowledging that he is the father - basically, he isn't disputing it and asking for a paternity test.

he still has no legal rights until he goes to court and asks for them - and they're granted.

marriage makes a huge difference. if a woman has a child with someone other than her husband, her husband is legally considered the father just bc they're married. a man who has a child out of wedlock basically has no rights until/unless he goes to court.

Not sure if it works like this in all states however. I live in CA and have gone through all of this with my daughter. Her father and I spilt and he is on her birth cirtificate but originally there was no court paperwork to show custody arrangements or anything and when I got together with my now fiance (works for the DA's office, his buddies are lawyers) they urgently recommended that I go to family court and file for custody because if she was at daycare and showed proof that he was the father the daycare could not refuse since there was no court documents. Even though we had our own arrangements and he saw her every other weekend there were a few times that he showed up annanounced at daycare to pick her up and they could not say no.

I went to court and got sole physical and joint legal and he got visitations every other weekend just like our original verbal agreement. As soon as I got my order I gave the copy of the order to my daycare and the next time he showed up they refused him. He was mad until they pulled the order out and showed him that it wasn't one of his days to pick up and he wasn't allowed to pick her up anymore (I have her every weekday).

Yes marriage makes a huge difference but in my situation I wasn't married (and still aren't) but the laws are different from state to state. Here's an example. In WA if a woman gets preggers and has a baby by a man and they break up/get a divorce and the woman starts dating another man and is with that man for what I believe is 3-4 years or more, then the biological father is no longer responsible to pay child support because the "new" man has now become the fatherly figure. If the "new" man and her break up after these 3-4 years then the "new" man is now responsible to pay child support for the child even though it's not his biological child. Wierd huh?

Another example. Here in CA if I am married and I cheat on my husband and get pregnant and have a baby with another man, my husband is responsible for child support should he and I ever split up and get a divorce even if the other man's name is on the birth cirtificate, there are paternity tests etc. Legally the legal husband is reponsible. This is also true even if my husband and I were in the process of getting a divorce but the paperwork was not yet finalized and I got pregnant by another man.

Sorry didn't mean to totally hijack the thread here, so back to the OP, my point is that it all depends on the laws in that particular state. I would really look into what the laws say because it can vary from state to state. If the DCP's were never married and there are no court documents then there may be nothing you can do about releasing the child to the dad but being as that DCM is the only one on this new contract I'd ask her how she wanted to approach this. If he asks for information, refer him to DCM and just be nice and say that you'd feel more comfortable if he spoke to her instead. As for asking for your policies, if he's been picking up his daughter I don't see why you couldn't just give him a copy of those. It would make things like late pick-ups etc clear to him. A copy of DCM's contract is another story and I would not give that to him, or copies of enrollment papers etc. since these are considered confidential.

Once you talk to DCM and get a clear picture of how she wans it handled have her put it in writing and ask for a copy of the custody arrangement once they have one, or just caution her on it and let her know that without one you can't refuse him if she shows up unnanounced. If DCD wants to be added to the contract (because he never signed this 2nd one) I would have him talk to DCM about it first and get her permission. Your contract is with her and her only at this point and I don't think you can just make this modification without her say so even though his name is on the contract because he never signed it. If she says that it's ok to add him or whatever have her give this to you in writing also and put it in the child's file then have DCD sign and date the contract.

[misol]

[quote=MarinaVanessa;54076]

Here's an example. In WA if a woman gets preggers and has a baby by a man and they break up/get a divorce and the woman starts dating another man and is with that man for what I believe is 3-4 years or more, then the biological father is no longer responsible to pay child support because the "new" man has now become the fatherly figure. If the "new" man and her break up after these 3-4 years then the "new" man is now responsible to pay child support for the child even though it's not his biological child. Wierd huh?

OMG! This is NUTS!!!! If I were a man living in WA I would never date a woman with kids!


I agree with you and other posters who say talk to the mom and see what she wants to do since she is the only one on the contract right now. Be sure to remind her that you have to allow the dad to pick up unless and until she gives you a court ordered custody arrangement that says otherwise.

Oh, and about the contract...tell him that since his signature is not on the contract that he should asks the mom for a copy of hers. You could even go so far as to pull it out like you are about to give it to him a copy and thumb through it and say oh, I didn't realize that you hadn't signed...

[MarinaVanessa]

Oh, and about the contract...tell him that since his signature is not on the contract that he should asks the mom for a copy of hers. You could even go so far as to pull it out like you are about to give it to him a copy and thumb through it and say oh, I didn't realize that you hadn't signed...

Oooh, I like this approach also. This way you would seem as if you were willing and then "Ooops, your fault not mine". Have them work it out themselves. There should be no reason why you should be put in the middle. I have a coupl like this that is on again, off again all of the time and I just don't deal with it. DCD asks me something, I tell him to ask mom. She's on the contract, they aren't married etc.

[missnikki]

I have a spot on my contracts that say:

Are you the:

____PRIMARY ACCOUNT SPONSOR

____CO SPONSOR (Split billing- must have a Primary on file)

Sponsor pays ___% CoSponsor pays ___%

then the space where they sign. Two contracts per child.

[DancingQueen]

Oh, and about the contract...tell him that since his signature is not on the contract that he should asks the mom for a copy of hers. You could even go so far as to pull it out like you are about to give it to him a copy and thumb through it and say oh, I didn't realize that you hadn't signed...

I knwo this dad well enough to know that if I did this he would say - "then let me sign the contract now" What do I do in that situation?
If I didn't LOVE this dcg sooo much this might be too much of a hassle to even bother with. LOL

[QualiTcare]

Not sure if it works like this in all states however. I live in CA and have gone through all of this with my daughter. Her father and I spilt and he is on her birth cirtificate but originally there was no court paperwork to show custody arrangements or anything and when I got together with my now fiance (works for the DA's office, his buddies are lawyers) they urgently recommended that I go to family court and file for custody because if she was at daycare and showed proof that he was the father the daycare could not refuse since there was no court documents. Even though we had our own arrangements and he saw her every other weekend there were a few times that he showed up annanounced at daycare to pick her up and they could not say no.

I went to court and got sole physical and joint legal and he got visitations every other weekend just like our original verbal agreement. As soon as I got my order I gave the copy of the order to my daycare and the next time he showed up they refused him. He was mad until they pulled the order out and showed him that it wasn't one of his days to pick up and he wasn't allowed to pick her up anymore (I have her every weekday).

Yes marriage makes a huge difference but in my situation I wasn't married (and still aren't) but the laws are different from state to state. Here's an example. In WA if a woman gets preggers and has a baby by a man and they break up/get a divorce and the woman starts dating another man and is with that man for what I believe is 3-4 years or more, then the biological father is no longer responsible to pay child support because the "new" man has now become the fatherly figure. If the "new" man and her break up after these 3-4 years then the "new" man is now responsible to pay child support for the child even though it's not his biological child. Wierd huh?

Another example. Here in CA if I am married and I cheat on my husband and get pregnant and have a baby with another man, my husband is responsible for child support should he and I ever split up and get a divorce even if the other man's name is on the birth cirtificate, there are paternity tests etc. Legally the legal husband is reponsible. This is also true even if my husband and I were in the process of getting a divorce but the paperwork was not yet finalized and I got pregnant by another man.

Sorry didn't mean to totally hijack the thread here, so back to the OP, my point is that it all depends on the laws in that particular state. I would really look into what the laws say because it can vary from state to state. If the DCP's were never married and there are no court documents then there may be nothing you can do about releasing the child to the dad but being as that DCM is the only one on this new contract I'd ask her how she wanted to approach this. If he asks for information, refer him to DCM and just be nice and say that you'd feel more comfortable if he spoke to her instead. As for asking for your policies, if he's been picking up his daughter I don't see why you couldn't just give him a copy of those. It would make things like late pick-ups etc clear to him. A copy of DCM's contract is another story and I would not give that to him, or copies of enrollment papers etc. since these are considered confidential.

Once you talk to DCM and get a clear picture of how she wans it handled have her put it in writing and ask for a copy of the custody arrangement once they have one, or just caution her on it and let her know that without one you can't refuse him if she shows up unnanounced. If DCD wants to be added to the contract (because he never signed this 2nd one) I would have him talk to DCM about it first and get her permission. Your contract is with her and her only at this point and I don't think you can just make this modification without her say so even though his name is on the contract because he never signed it. If she says that it's ok to add him or whatever have her give this to you in writing also and put it in the child's file then have DCD sign and date the contract.

this is true. it could de. be different depending on the state.