How Would You Handle This Baby's Sleep?

[Great Beginnings]

I do a lot of infant care and I've been in this situation more than once. I've learned that you cannot really get parents to truly understand the concept involved in group care. I've pretty much stopped even trying. What I can do is implement my own routines and schedules, stay consistent with it, and eventually it sticks. Some take a little longer than others, but eventually they do get it. When it gets tough, I remind myself that they will outgrow it - eventually

I think you're on the right track with this thinking. I know it's tough, but sooner or later you're going to end up with a great kid

I agree. I am a fan of the CIO method. I know it's hard to listen to a baby cry but honestly no one is doing him favors by picking him up and coddling him. He is learning no valuable life skills there. I have an 8 month old that is the same way. Every time mom takes a break with him we start over at square one. Eventually he will learn what goes for mom and grandmas house wont work here and get over it. Sounds tough and heartless but it's what is best for the child in the long run. Not to mention what's best for you and the other children.

[Heidi]

Heidi, I know you've been having issues with this baby all along. You've said repeatedly that you don't want to term because you are worried about how another provider would handle it, etc.

But my thought is that rather then not be able to handle baby, may another provider might be just what baby/family needs? Maybe there needs to be a "degree of separation." My initial thought is that perhaps baby would thrive in a good center where there are multiple staff to give each other breaks throughout the day. I guess I've come to the point where I realize that my program may not be right for every child, and that doesn't mean I'm doing something "wrong" or the child is doing something "wrong." I kept a child years ago because I felt like if I termed I had "failed." I also loved this child and worried another provider wouldn't be as kind to her quirks/behavior, etc. In retrospect I wish I had let the child go - because maybe rather then coming here and butting heads with me each day, this child could have THRIVED with another provider. I assumed that because certain things bothered me, they would also be a hot button for another provider and they would struggle as well - and I've learned that we all have different hot buttons

I know that wasn't what you were looking for, but just something I've thought about when reading your posts about this infant.

We have one center here, and "good" is not really how I'd describe it. Despite that, they have no openings. Other options are another family provider (no one legal has openings) or an illegal...which there are a few of, and they have no limit on how many kids they'll take...so...yeah.

I get what you're saying, totally. I've thought it myself for sure. I'm just not ready yet to give up. Doesn't mean I don't get frustrated, though!

[Play Care]

We have one center here, and "good" is not really how I'd describe it. Despite that, they have no openings. Other options are another family provider (no one legal has openings) or an illegal...which there are a few of, and they have no limit on how many kids they'll take...so...yeah.

I get what you're saying, totally. I've thought it myself for sure. I'm just not ready yet to give up. Doesn't mean I don't get frustrated, though!

I hope you don't think I was saying you don't have the right to be frustrated or vent about it. It just something I've had happen in the past and have had some time and space to evaluate.

[Lianne]

See, I've come to expect nothing of parents because they rarely follow through and I can't be sure they are or aren't. I have to trust what they tell me and, well, parents lie. They tell me what they think I want to hear.

I also think that CIO is (can be, don't jump on me) a necessary evil. No, it's not pleasant but sometimes it needs (IMO) to happen.

If I was dealing with the situation you describe, I would lay him down in the mornings like you were before. If you need to adjust the timing, so be it as long as the morning nap doesn't interfere with a good solid afternoon nap.

Me personally, I'd take the pacifier away and let him cry himself to sleep, soothing him if/when you feel you should. Or, if you don't want to take the pacifier away, I'd offer it to him when you lay him down but not re-offer it if you go in to soothe him. Because he was sleeping well, you know he's capable of it and he needs it. CIO isn't fun for you or him but I think his need for good solid naps outweigh the discomfort of CIO.

[Heidi]

I hope you don't think I was saying you don't have the right to be frustrated or vent about it. It just something I've had happen in the past and have had some time and space to evaluate.

yeah, me too. No, I didn't think that.

For now, venting about it and asking other provider's perspectives will have to do. Keeps me on an even keel! Sometimes, too, when you're in "the thick of it" you don't even know what's reasonable anymore..you question yourself a bit, KWIM?

[tntsmom]

My policy, no pacifiers, and if you are nursing, your child must be able to drink from a bottle as well. Children who cannot self sooth will have behavior issues and a need for constant attention. If they are wanting to wean him, let them know you had and explain to them you did once and now the situation is disruptive to care and they need to take a few days and deal with this at home. Obviously they do not want to that is why they gave him back the pacifier. You have done your part, their turn.

[cheerfuldom]

In 13 years of daycare and 24 of motherhood, it's a rare exception for me that they DON'T get on this schedule. It's usually a pretty gentle process, and I do honor their needs. It's more of a "nudge" towards the group schedule than a negative process.

It's not about a "3 hour break". It's about time to clean up lunch, eat mine, take a short break, do paperwork, and keep the house relatively quiet so that everyone else can sleep. If one's up and needing to be entertained, then everyone is up, wanting to be entertained. By pick-up time, I'd be sending home crabby kiddos who can't make it until bedtime. My other families are awesome; and they love spending time with their kiddos. Putting them to bed at 7:00 because their crabby would be a huge disappointment to them.

How is it really different than expecting him to sleep a stretch at night? I know for a fact that if he's up at 1 am, mom is not going to get him up and play with him just because he want to. Most people wouldn't say that's ok...he's a baby (I say most because I have known people who do party with their kids in the middle of the night).

I know you weren't picking on me, .

I think the thing that concerns me is that nothing has changed in 4 1/2 months. He was just as "needy" on Tuesday as in August when he started. In all this time, he has not developed a routine, or the ability to entertain himself or self-soothe for short periods. It's 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

When he started here, my now 1-year olds were almost the same age he is now. They had to wait for things because he was the littlest, and so he got first response. Now, almost 5 months later, they are STILL always waiting because he is the "squeeky wheel". 1 child of 4 taking 75% of the effort. KWIM?

I am with you on this one. What you are expecting is not at all outrageous. A baby should be sleeping at some point and playing a good part of the day. I dont feel your expectations are unreasonable.

[cheerfuldom]

Heidi, I know you've been having issues with this baby all along. You've said repeatedly that you don't want to term because you are worried about how another provider would handle it, etc.

But my thought is that rather then not be able to handle baby, may another provider might be just what baby/family needs? Maybe there needs to be a "degree of separation." My initial thought is that perhaps baby would thrive in a good center where there are multiple staff to give each other breaks throughout the day. I guess I've come to the point where I realize that my program may not be right for every child, and that doesn't mean I'm doing something "wrong" or the child is doing something "wrong." I kept a child years ago because I felt like if I termed I had "failed." I also loved this child and worried another provider wouldn't be as kind to her quirks/behavior, etc. In retrospect I wish I had let the child go - because maybe rather then coming here and butting heads with me each day, this child could have THRIVED with another provider. I assumed that because certain things bothered me, they would also be a hot button for another provider and they would struggle as well - and I've learned that we all have different hot buttons

I know that wasn't what you were looking for, but just something I've thought about when reading your posts about this infant.

I agree with you and you worded this very well. Clearly, no one is thriving in the current scenario and it is possible that he would do better somewhere else. There are actually a few daycares here that have the staff to advertise no nap-nap on demand services. There are places that will put up with his demands. On the flip side, dont forget to think about those other kids in the daycare that are hearing this crying all day every day. Poor things! that is stressful!

[cheerfuldom]

We have one center here, and "good" is not really how I'd describe it. Despite that, they have no openings. Other options are another family provider (no one legal has openings) or an illegal...which there are a few of, and they have no limit on how many kids they'll take...so...yeah.

I get what you're saying, totally. I've thought it myself for sure. I'm just not ready yet to give up. Doesn't mean I don't get frustrated, though!

don't take too much of the solution upon yourself. Dont forget that this mom is CHOOSING to not support you as you deal with this. If she ends up going to an illegal daycare and settling for subpar care where there is a dozen kids there and some school ager is taking care of her baby, that is HER problem, not yours. I understand you care about this little baby but he is not your baby. You can only do so much.

[craftymissbeth]

don't take too much of the solution upon yourself. Dont forget that this mom is CHOOSING to not support you as you deal with this. If she ends up going to an illegal daycare and settling for subpar care where there is a dozen kids there and some school ager is taking care of her baby, that is HER problem, not yours. I understand you care about this little baby but he is not your baby. You can only do so much.

I had to learn this the hard way with my 6 mo dcb. He was having issues very similar to yours, Heidi, and I ended up just telling her you have until the Monday after Thanksgiving to show ANY improvement (it was a 4 day weekend) or you'll unfortunately have to go somewhere else. It's my sister and her son so it was extremely difficult to accept that he would possibly have to go somewhere else, but for my sanity and the sanity of the other children here it was something I had to come to terms with.

They ended up moving out of state during Christmas break so he's not with me anymore, but let me tell you... he came back that Monday after Thanksgiving a totally new baby!

I don't think threatening to term is necessarily the best option in every circumstance, but I realized in my situation that she simply didn't get it until she knew it was such a huge problem that I wasn't going to be able to do it for much longer. Despite the many times we talked about the problems I had with what was going on with him she just didn't get it until I simply didn't give her a choice but to fix it or move on.

I really hope that everything works out for you and your little man!

[laceylmm]

No advice. But I had commented a couple of times about having the exact same child. SCREAMER unless being held. Put off terminating despite having five versions of a termination letter written. After FOUR months of this I sent her home ONE day early because she was so miserable. They gave their two weeks the next day!

Insulting because I could have sent home way more than that and I really feel if a child is having that hard of time they need to be with their parents. And I have a friend that works at the center with NINE babies that the child will be starting on Monday. My friend said 'umm we send home also and probably would have WAY before you did'.

This was after months of her refusing to eat more than 4-6oz a day.Then of course they term the week she starts eating food. (so she could very well go to the other center and be more content since she isn't starving)

Anyway it was amicable and all I feel is RELIEF!!

[laceylmm]

Oh and go figure she popped a tooth 2-3 days later. But I'm made to feel like I was just imagining how miserable she was that day...or that I somehow just couldn't cope. NEVER AGAIN!

[laceylmm]

I also kind of have a theory that when starting an infant very young (I started this child at six weeks) they might almost look at me in a motherly way. So for them there is absolutely NO REASON why I shouldn't be carrying them around and only paying attention to them. It just doesn't work when you are caring for multiple children, cooking food, 'trying' to do projects, getting kids off the bus.

That's just a loose theory of course because my own kids were still NEVER that needy.

[Heidi]

Well, for today, it seems I have won the battle.

AM nap went fine...cried 5 minutes, went to sleep, slept almost an hour.

PM nap 12:10......slept 25 minutes, woke up screaming. Checked...on stomach (he can't roll back) reposition to back, replace pacifier, leave room (no talking). Silent for a moment, then spit and roll back to stomach....scream. I waited about 10 minutes, went back in, flipped and replaced binky. Repeated that 2x3x. On 3rd try, I didn't roll him back...just gave him the binky. Left him on his stomach. 4th time, rolled him, replaced binky, and he's been quiet ever since.

It's now 2:30.

Ok, so I haven't entirely WON because I still had to mess with him 4x, but...at least he went back to sleep eventually. He's here Friday and Saturday this week, so at least there's only 1 inconsistent day in the bunch. I'll worry about ditching the binky again once he's at least "on schedule" again.