How Do I Handle This Better In The Future?

[Jagen]

This was a new one for me and I am not sure if I handled it properly. It's been bothering me...maybe someone could tell me what I should have done differently.

Had a toddler and his school age brother here for care. Toddler is great, he's a sweet little boy and is easy to handle. Problem is that he curses (he calls his mom a B word). He wouldn't stop repeating it and one of my other DCK started saying it - and I can't allow that. He also tells me that "dada gives mama owwies" over and over again and that "dada nice" and I say "well mama is nice too" and he says "no, mama b*tch". I mean, he is 2 but he said that word very clearly. I asked his brother if that is what he actually meant to say, and his brother says it is, because "that's what dad calls us".

His older brother is just a handful and a half. Fights me all day long over every single thing, so beyond frustrating. This child does not even wipe himself when he goes to the bathroom. Mom picks up and he "tells on me" and I looked at her point blank and politely told her that he is SIX years old and he learned to wipe his own rear end today!

Anyway - the last day they were here, the older one wasn't cooperating AT ALL. Started tripping the other kids, pushed his brother out of a chair right in front of me, just being awful. When his mom showed up, I told her not to bring them back. I can't have one cursing in front of other kids and the other one hurting other kids. Absolutely not going to have it. I have other nice children that don't need to be picking up their bad habits nor having one child creating an unsafe environment for the others.

So - could I have handled this better? I was really polite with the mom about it. I told her about the cursing, told her everything going on, but I just feel like I failed her and failed these two kids. I mean, that one child drove me to the point of so much frustration, I was counting down the seconds until his mom got there. Could not tolerate another minute of him. Is that normal? We usually have fun all day and yes, there are always little behavior issues that pop up every day but we handle it and move on - maybe I am spoiled by kids who don't act up much? I wonder if I overreacted by telling them that they needed a new provider.

[daycare]

This was a new one for me and I am not sure if I handled it properly. It's been bothering me...maybe someone could tell me what I should have done differently.

Had a toddler and his school age brother here for care. Toddler is great, he's a sweet little boy and is easy to handle. Problem is that he curses (he calls his mom a B word). He wouldn't stop repeating it and one of my other DCK started saying it - and I can't allow that. He also tells me that "dada gives mama owwies" over and over again and that "dada nice" and I say "well mama is nice too" and he says "no, mama b*tch". I mean, he is 2 but he said that word very clearly. I asked his brother if that is what he actually meant to say, and his brother says it is, because "that's what dad calls us".

His older brother is just a handful and a half. Fights me all day long over every single thing, so beyond frustrating. This child does not even wipe himself when he goes to the bathroom. Mom picks up and he "tells on me" and I looked at her point blank and politely told her that he is SIX years old and he learned to wipe his own rear end today!

Anyway - the last day they were here, the older one wasn't cooperating AT ALL. Started tripping the other kids, pushed his brother out of a chair right in front of me, just being awful. When his mom showed up, I told her not to bring them back. I can't have one cursing in front of other kids and the other one hurting other kids. Absolutely not going to have it. I have other nice children that don't need to be picking up their bad habits nor having one child creating an unsafe environment for the others.

So - could I have handled this better? I was really polite with the mom about it. I told her about the cursing, told her everything going on, but I just feel like I failed her and failed these two kids. I mean, that one child drove me to the point of so much frustration, I was counting down the seconds until his mom got there. Could not tolerate another minute of him. Is that normal? We usually have fun all day and yes, there are always little behavior issues that pop up every day but we handle it and move on - maybe I am spoiled by kids who don't act up much? I wonder if I overreacted by telling them that they needed a new provider.

we all have to do what is right for us. I think that you did the right thing, except you did not fail anyone. It sounds like there is some stuff going on at home that does not sound right at all.

I would have documented all of the things that the kids did each time, have the parents sign it, including the time when the kids told you that DCD calls them the B word and that daddy hurts mommy. I also think that I would be putting in a call to CPS. IT sounds like the parents need a visit. As I have learned, when in doubt call it out.

keeping a track record of the incidents or accidents that happen with children while in your care. If it is something that you discussed with the parents, have them sign it, give them a copy and keep one for your file. This way you have proof that you have been trying to work with the parents on the issues and that they are being addressed. you have to remember we are daycare providers, we can't save them all. It is our nature to want to try, but when we can't we just have to learn to let go. ****s, but it's what we have to do....

[Childminder]

You, I assume, are not trained to councel this child/family. You did what was best for all. I agree that a call to CPS is in order.

[Leigh]

I would absolutely contact CPS. It seems to me that there is abuse in the home (verbal and physical) and it needs to be dealt with. I'd rather make them mad by being wrong than hate myself for not helping those kids. I am a foster parent, and a majority of my DCK's are foster kids, too. I see this kind of behavior all the time in kids from abusive homes.

[cheerfuldom]

I think you did the right thing. don't forget, this all started from the parents bad choices.....spoiling the older one, cursing in front of the younger. You have had to deal with the consequences of their bad behavior and that is not your fault! You have done the best you can as a provider....you are not the parent. None of these are issues you need to solve!

[MotherNature]

I'd call CPS/ The daddy give mama owwiees thing sounds like abuse.

[e.j.]

I'd call CPS/ The daddy give mama owwiees thing sounds like abuse.

I was thinking the same thing.

[grandmom]

Call CPS. If mom is being abused, she needs outside intervention. If boys are being taught that this is ok, they also need help.

And, keep yourself in mind too. If mom goes home and tells dad what happened, he may draw first blood by making a report about you to cover his own tracks. Then when they come to talk with you and you tell them what you heard, you will be in trouble for failure to report. That is, if you are a mandatory reporter.

[Mister Sir Husband]

I agree with others here.. you did not fail mom or the kids.. mom and dad failed as parents. If I have kids cursing and shoving others around, I will give the parents a warning to see that its corrected. If it isn't, then they won't be invited back. I know kids these days can be a bit more rambunctious but its the parents fault for allowing it.

[kindertouch]

I would've done the same thing as you did If I were in that situation. It is not your responsibility to teach the kid's proper manners in the first place, it is their parent's responsibility and you are just there to support and guide them the proper way. Cursing for me is a no-no. I'd rather lose one child who curses for the benefit of many.

I agree with documenting every bit of it. I am involve in a company that produces mobile application which monitors the activity of the kid whenever he is at school. The parents gets updates every time with the help of the teacher/school administration through mobile. Anyway, enough with the promotion. If you were to handle it the second time around I think what you did is fine. School owners/teachers should implement rules to the benefit of many.

[missy]

I can't imagine a little one speaking like that at only 2 years of age! He must be exposed to that stuff continually, it is such a shame. I hope you report the family.

Thank goodness for all the good parents out there:-)

[Unregistered]

You report.

I will share my situation as a parent.
My daughter shared alarming information with me one night about blood in her underwear when she was 5. At the time of the sharing she's already 7. The things she said were so vague that I didn't know who or what happened only that her responses were abnormal and alarming.
I took her to the doctor and initiated a CPS investigation.
My husband and I were already having problems- particularly with his idea of discipline, which we hadn't had to deal with previously because his job took him away a lot of the time. But then he was home more and I got to see who he is *really*. Suddenly I was isolated and trapped and confused. I got a job and started saving money.

I shared minimal information with my daycare provider- but told her any and everything should be documented and shared with the investigator and the social worker.

In the end- my daughter disclosed *nothing*, though she displayed abnormal anxiety and behavior during her interviews, and the first exam noted a broken hymen, the second said she was completely intact with no damage at all.

In the end nothing was done.

I continuously asked my provider if there were any odd behaviors or even any behaviors that needed addressed. She always told me no- everything is great.
Then one day she told me she's not doing child care anymore and found a new job starting tomorrow. She also said she was sick of my daughter's challenging behavior, yet wouldn't share what it was just that she was a brat. (A lot of times a child's behavior is linked directly to problems at home or abuse that has been suffered.)

This woman took crucial information with her. She could have helped us. The burden of proof is on me if I leave this man. I can stay, and send my kids to grandma's on his days home or I can leave and share custody and unsupervised visits with him. Yeah, please tell me what *you* would do when nobody wants to intervene or tell the truth. What sounds the safest for your child when nobody believes you and you can't prove anything?

She did fail my kids. Without any outsider besides me, or without the cooperation of my kids to disclose what had happened the investigator and the social worker told me "We can't do anything at all without a disclosure. I don't feel your kids are in immediate danger, we are closing the case. "

It sounds like you've shared problem behaviors- which is great. But in situations of abuse or possible abuse- she and the kids need outside intervention to really be safe. It's crucial.

And I thought all child care providers were mandated reporters?
I have personally taught my kids if they are afraid to tell me that something is wrong, then tell a teacher, tell the provider.. tell someone.

*my husband has walked the line very carefully since all of this unfolded. But he has also displayed classic behavior of a narcissist (that I failed to recognize for almost 7 of our 8 years together). It's only a matter of time. But I'd like to think child care providers at least care enough to report. Yes, i don't blame you for not wanting problem child behaviors in your home around other kids. The well-being of ALL matter.

[mia]

where i am in Canada it is madatory to report any suspected abuse....

[Starburst]

Well first and foremost you are a mandated reporter, if the children say they are being called bad names at home (verbal abuse) and/or say that "daddy gives mommy owies" then CPS needs to be called right away! If the children see and hear that all the time they will obviously repeat it at school/daycare and may one day do that to their own wives and children (it's a cycle). At this point the toddler obviously sees/hears it a lot and so he thinks that's just normal behavior. The older child most likely knows it's wrong and is just trying to act out as a cry for help.

I don't think you failed them for terminating, your responsibility is to do what is best for all the children in the group and that includes not exposing them to verbal or physical harm from other children. One of my ECE teachers is also the director of the preschool program and she wanted to help a toddler who was a biter but when licensing observed (it happened too often and they were going to get written up for not supervising close enough) the licensing rep along with the child's parents witnessed him bite a child out of nowhere and said he needed to be terminated because he was a danger to the other children. Anyway, hopefully mom took what you said to heart and is realizing that for the sake of her children things need to change at home, even if that means leaving dad (though, most women in abusive relationships are afraid to leave). But I would still call CPS, they don't need to be currently enrolled in your program for you to report them. It's also possible that you could get in trouble and possibly even lose your license (if licensed/registered/certified) for NOT reporting suspected abuse.