In a Bind

[daycare]

I dont know what to do. I will try to keep this short.

I have a dck age 3.5 parents are split. DCD in different state, mom has kid 99.5% of the time.

I have noticed over the last two months huge behavior changes in the kid. Being mean, agressive and VERY distracted. Just seems to not be doing so well.

Last week we were doing a project and I said lets make one for daddy. DCK she hates her dad and wants a new one. Long story short, she is getting this from mommy. I called and talked to mom while she was at work and told her that it was not ok that she did this to her daughter and if she was overly stressed or having a hard time with it she needed to seek help and not vent about it to or in front of her child. She denied all of it.

At least once a week DCM is having break downs, often the child is around. It seems like mom can't get her finances straight and has to have her parents and dcks grandparents help pay daycare, rent, food and etc. DCD does give her child support every month, there is no court order for anything.

The DCD often will text me asking how DCK is doing. I don't ever really give too much feedback. My contract is with mom and I fear that backlash he will give her if it is not a good report, which then would result in more fighting in front of DCK.

I really feel something needs to be said to DCD. DCM is not doing anything about what is going on and just wants me and everyone else feel sorry for her. I think I have reached my limit and need to get someone else involved to help DCG.

Should I reach out to the DCD? SOrry I said this was going to be short......

Thanks in advance.

[preschoolteacher]

It's so sad, but I don't think you should reach out to the dad about the mom's problems. That is putting you IN THE MIDDLE of it, and you do not want to be there. Plus, I think telling information about the mom to the dad is breaking confidentiality.

If he asks, you can and should give him information about his child--but not the wife or her personal state of affairs.

[daycare]

It's so sad, but I don't think you should reach out to the dad about the mom's problems. That is putting you IN THE MIDDLE of it, and you do not want to be there. Plus, I think telling information about the mom to the dad is breaking confidentiality.

If he asks, you can and should give him information about his child--but not the wife or her personal state of affairs.

I would not tell DCD about moms issues, I think I should tell him about the big notice in change of behavior in DCK

[My3cents]

I dont know what to do. I will try to keep this short.

I have a dck age 3.5 parents are split. DCD in different state, mom has kid 99.5% of the time.

I have noticed over the last two months huge behavior changes in the kid. Being mean, agressive and VERY distracted. Just seems to not be doing so well.

Last week we were doing a project and I said lets make one for daddy. DCK she hates her dad and wants a new one. Long story short, she is getting this from mommy. I called and talked to mom while she was at work and told her that it was not ok that she did this to her daughter and if she was overly stressed or having a hard time with it she needed to seek help and not vent about it to or in front of her child. She denied all of it.

At least once a week DCM is having break downs, often the child is around. It seems like mom can't get her finances straight and has to have her parents and dcks grandparents help pay daycare, rent, food and etc. DCD does give her child support every month, there is no court order for anything.

The DCD often will text me asking how DCK is doing. I don't ever really give too much feedback. My contract is with mom and I fear that backlash he will give her if it is not a good report, which then would result in more fighting in front of DCK.

I really feel something needs to be said to DCD. DCM is not doing anything about what is going on and just wants me and everyone else feel sorry for her. I think I have reached my limit and need to get someone else involved to help DCG.

Should I reach out to the DCD? SOrry I said this was going to be short......

Thanks in advance.

honestly I stay out of personal problems as such. It is not my business. My business is to be paid on time. I might tell mom that the little one is having a hard time with whatever is going on at home. I remove myself from this type of stuff as much as I can. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I just can't take all of it on.

[daycare]

honestly I stay out of personal problems as such. It is not my business. My business is to be paid on time. I might tell mom that the little one is having a hard time with whatever is going on at home. I remove myself from this type of stuff as much as I can. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I just can't take all of it on.

SO I should just continue to leave dad in the dark about the state of his child??

[melskids]

SO I should just continue to leave dad in the dark about the state of his child??

I think you should definitely bring up your concerns about the child, but leave your opinion of moms hot mess out of it. It's only going to cause a headache for you.

If dad asks you what you think the problem is, just say you're not sure and he should probably discuss it with mom.

[Lucy]

I would stay the heck away from ANY of that drama. My ONLY job is to take care of the child to the best of my ability. Make my house a safe, loving and comforting place for her. I would not text Dad. It could backfire on you. Mom could see it as a betrayal. Dad could mis-report something to mom that you said to him. I would NEVER give mom unsolicited advice about her relationship with her ex. I stay OUT of their personal lives. None of my beeswax. Makes life sooooo much easier!!

ETA: If the child is having behavior problems, of course that can be addressed with Mom. But I wouldn't hint or suggest that it has to do with the divorce. Just state the facts of the disciplinary problem and leave the "reason" for it up to her.

[butterfly]

If dcd asks, I would mention the behaviors you are seeing but in no way would I go into detail about your assumptions on the matter. I think it was crossing the line when you called mom at work to discuss things. This could have been done at the end of the day at pickup.

[Crazy8]

honestly I stay out of personal problems as such. It is not my business. My business is to be paid on time. I might tell mom that the little one is having a hard time with whatever is going on at home. I remove myself from this type of stuff as much as I can. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I just can't take all of it on.

Same view. I do not get involved.
You said it yourself, contract is with mom, she has custody 99.5% of the time - I do not feel it is your place to be talking to the father at all. I would stay out of it entirely.

[daycare]

sorry...I think I didn't ask my question correctly.

I would NEVER give info about DCM to DCD or VS. They both know this.

I just want to know if I should tell the DCD what is going on with the child. I am close enough with this DCM that I am ok with being able to tell her to watch what she says and does in front of DCK.

At this point, I just want the DCD to know so that the right decisions can be made for DCG. the situation just sounds really bad.....

[DaycareMom]

I would stay the heck away from ANY of that drama. My ONLY job is to take care of the child to the best of my ability. Make my house a safe, loving and comforting place for her. I would not text Dad. It could backfire on you. Mom could see it as a betrayal. Dad could mis-report something to mom that you said to him. I would NEVER give mom unsolicited advice about her relationship with her ex. I stay OUT of their personal lives. None of my beeswax. Makes life sooooo much easier!!

ETA: If the child is having behavior problems, of course that can be addressed with Mom. But I wouldn't hint or suggest that it has to do with the divorce. Just state the facts of the disciplinary problem and leave the "reason" for it up to her.

Exactly my thoughts ....
Does DCM know DCD is texting you?

[daycare]

Exactly my thoughts ....
Does DCM know DCD is texting you?

yes DCM knows that DCD is on the email list and gets our text.

I just looked on the State Paperwork, DCD is on it, but the DCM is the only one who signed the contract.

Again, I have no intentions of talking to DCD about why I think this is happening, I just want to know if I should just fill him in on what is going on with DCG HERE.

DCD will text every few days asking about DCG, how did she do today, or was DCG in a bad mood?

I never really say much other than good day today or not so good day today, DCG was pretty tired, we will try again tomorrow. I always leave it to the facts

[Maria2013]

I would stay the heck away from ANY of that drama. My ONLY job is to take care of the child to the best of my ability. Make my house a safe, loving and comforting place for her. I would not text Dad. It could backfire on you. Mom could see it as a betrayal. Dad could mis-report something to mom that you said to him. I would NEVER give mom unsolicited advice about her relationship with her ex. I stay OUT of their personal lives. None of my beeswax. Makes life sooooo much easier!!

ETA: If the child is having behavior problems, of course that can be addressed with Mom. But I wouldn't hint or suggest that it has to do with the divorce. Just state the facts of the disciplinary problem and leave the "reason" for it up to her.

that's what I would do

[daycare]

that's what I would do

they were never married.
Honestly, I really feel that what the DCM is doing is emotionally abusive. DCG tells me stuff like my mom hates my dad, she thinks he is an a$$hole, or will say I want a new dad.

When DCD tries to call her, she will throw the phone then go on a rampage. She has acted out here in rage when dcd tried to call her on the way here in the car.

I know that I have not been to detailed about all that is going on here, but the mothers behavior is really affecting the child. I need to be the advocate for this child and ALWAYS protect her. I honestly can't let this go and stay out of it. I do know that reporting it to CPS won't do anything because it's too hard to prove, and will only create more waves for DCM.

I am starting to wonder if DCM is emotionally stable enough to take care of her.

I dont know what to do..............

[harperluu]

I would stay out of it entirely. If the dcd asks about the child, I would give specific OBJECTIVE responses about the child. I would also refrain from giving unsolicited advice to the dcm that doesn't relate to OBJECTIVE observations you have made.

Here are a couple of examples:

Dad asks how child is doing. Your response is, dck had a temper tantrum after being asked to clean up. She had one potty accident. She took 25 min to fall asleep and tossed and turned on her cot.

Daycare child isn't dressed for the weather and mom seems disorganized. Your response is, dck was chilly outside today without mittens. This is an objective response and isn't making a personal statement about her ability to care for her child.

Divorce is difficult. Divorce can leave women and children in difficult financial situations where they need help from their families to survive. I would personally stay out of it entirely.