Hitting and Behavioral Issues

[Unregistered]

I am a SAHM with two kids, ages 2 and 3.5. I also watch a 2 year old 35 hours a week. Problem is, the other child constantly pushes my children-either fighting over toys or just because they are in his personal space. This is happening several times w/i the hour. It is exhausting and my kids have even gotten hurt (pushed off a toy, or falling back against the wall) THe child I watch is an only child and does not act like this at home or when at the gym daycare or church daycare. I am also told that when the child returns home at the end of the day, he takes the entire night to "settle down". I have tried time out, and explain that we don't hit, but it does not register. The child just says "ok". I am beginning to remove the toy in question, but that is not always applicable. My kids never were hitters and now they are, although I think they do it more as a game.
The child calls me mom and is VERY comfortable at my home, which is a good thing. The parents and I think that his behavior is a reaction to either one or all of these reasons:
-being an only child thrust into an environment of 2 other children
-fighting for my attention
-fighting for his space in the group
-we are a louder household including a dog, that occasionaly barks, typically during drop off and pick up.

I am hoping this is a stage and not a deeper issue. The fact that the child does not do this at daycare elsewhere leads me to believe it is not a neurological issue, such as sensory or ADHD..


Any advice to the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[nannyde]

You may have a case of parental lying. It's very common when children have behavioral issues. He is most likely slapping, pinching, biting, kicking, spitting, throwing, and throwing himself around at home. The odds of this being just at daycare are pretty low.

How does he act at drop off and pick up? Is he being physical with the parents?

You can have parents claiming their child doesn't do this at home but witness daily the child being aggressive with the mother especially.

If the child truly only does it at your house then for the sake of the child, you need to term immediately. If he is having a violent reaction to being at your house the environment is super unhealthy for him.

[Soccermom]

I have this exact same child! She is a terror when she is here!

DCM claims that DCG never hits, pushes or throws toys at home (DCG is an only child and she is also 2) yet every time DCM picks her up she starts hitting someone or throws a toy to get DCM upset. DCM puts her in time out while she is here which I find irritating...just pick her up and take her the home already!

She is just looking for attention.

At this age they are vey jealous of other children, especially when they are getting all the attention at home. They tend to become very attached to their DP and see any other children as their rivals. They don't understand that our children belong to us and that we are very protective of them. They just want us all to themselves.

I had one DCG about 4 years ago who would actually attack my DS any time I would turn around. She bit him so hard once she drew blood. That was the end of that for me. DCM picked up and I termed immediately but I never blamed the child or the DCM...it was really just a case of jealousy. She wanted me all to herself and she could see that my own DS owned my heart

[Heidi]

He is comfortable enough in your home to try to show bad behavior. That's sort of a compliment to you....

I am guessing he is not very verbal yet, and if he's a young two, this behavior is pretty par-for-the-course, if not annoying.

Keep trying to give him words like "my turn, please?' etc. You could also set him up at the table with an activity for short periods when you can't have eyes on him.. I would use a booster or highchair with straps, and something engaging a few times during the day for 15 minutes or so. Not as a punishment so much as to give everyone a break.

[Unregistered]

Soccermom, I agree, it is jealousy. I do not want to terminate, as this is an important and necessary source of income. Is there ANY way of resolving.

Nannyde, I know that the child has acted out on the parents, since I have witnessed it at pick up, but believe the parents that it is not to the same degree.

Anyone ever actually resolve the issue without termination?

[daycarediva]

You may have a case of parental lying. It's very common when children have behavioral issues. He is most likely slapping, pinching, biting, kicking, spitting, throwing, and throwing himself around at home. The odds of this being just at daycare are pretty low.

How does he act at drop off and pick up? Is he being physical with the parents?

You can have parents claiming their child doesn't do this at home but witness daily the child being aggressive with the mother especially.

If the child truly only does it at your house then for the sake of the child, you need to term immediately. If he is having a violent reaction to being at your house the environment is super unhealthy for him.

Absolutely.

HALF of my dcks behave this way. It's INSANE and I am slowly replacing them. I have only had success turning 1 of them around and the parents got on board and were honest and we really worked together. The rest make/made excuses "tired, hungry, bored, not feeling well..." at 3-3.5, this is NO EXCUSE.

[Heidi]

Soccermom, I agree, it is jealousy. I do not want to terminate, as this is an important and necessary source of income. Is there ANY way of resolving.

Nannyde, I know that the child has acted out on the parents, since I have witnessed it at pick up, but believe the parents that it is not to the same degree.

Anyone ever actually resolve the issue without termination?

Nannyde called it!

Again...

OP-that is the problem many of us face, and it always works in the parents' favor: You do this job because you need the money. For a while, you will put up with just about anything to make it work, and then sooner or later, you'll either get another kiddo to replace him, or you'll just figure out something else.

Personally, I would sit down with the parents and lay your cards on the table. You want to keep little man, you adore him, but you cannot allow your children to be unsafe in their own home, and that, in essence, is what they are feeling...unsafe. No more "he doesn't do it at home or at church or wherever" He does it...period. It needs to be stopped. NO violence will be tolerated. I would give it a 2 or 4 week time limit. This is enough time for everyone to be working TOGETHER honestly. I have had kids turn around, and I have had kids who don't. The ones that have....their parents worked with me.

If he hits them, they need to grab his hands, look him in in the eyes, and say NO! we do NOT hit". Firm, but also kind.

If they are spanking him, they need to stop. While some children do change bad behavior with an occasional spanking, a child prone to violence just gets more violent. WE know the difference...they don't. Also, NO violent TV, games, etc. Not even a Disney movie for a while. I'm not kidding. These are not kids that can handle even a little fuel for their fires. If dad plays video games, he needs to do it without JR nearby.

As for you, keep him busy, redirect him, give him words. If you're spending the morning in constant battle, sit him down with an activity as I suggested above. Kind of a "reboot" when ever he gets overwhelmed.

Remember, he is only TWO. He has been on this earth two years. He doesn't know anything but what he's taught. It's okay to have empathy for that; but it doesn't make it ok.

[Play Care]

Soccermom, I agree, it is jealousy. I do not want to terminate, as this is an important and necessary source of income. Is there ANY way of resolving.

Nannyde, I know that the child has acted out on the parents, since I have witnessed it at pick up, but believe the parents that it is not to the same degree.

Anyone ever actually resolve the issue without termination?

Of course it's not to the same degree - the child is with you all day, not the parents. They have a few hours of the child then it's off to bed.

A child that age who I know to be aggressive stays near me - and I always try to keep myself between them and the other kids. At the same time, I evaluate EVERYTHING. Do I have enough toys, am I giving the children enough attention, is there a good mix of structured and unstructured activity, are we getting enough physical activity.

My first dcg was incredibly jealous of my older dd, and would often lash out at her when she thought I wasn't looking. In my case, after careful observation of my own as well as an observation from my CCR&R Agency I came up with a plan - shadowing and making sure dcg was always where I could see her (or put up when I couldn't) it did get a little better. I will say that in retrospect I wish I would not have kept her as long as I did, because she may have done so much better with a provider who had older children or no children of their own.

[cheerfuldom]

I think that 95% of the time, the parents are lying. Don't forget that they have two adults at home for one kid plus minimal hours with their own child. They also don't know for sure what he is doing at church, etc. if other people are watching him and NOT telling the truth about what is happening there. Most churches will not address behavioral issues because they only have to keep a child busy and safe for two hours and they don't want to offend parents by saying "hey little Jr. is a nightmare and hurts people and no one wants to play with him" even if that is true. If he is more than you can handle and the parents are saying that this does not happen anywhere but at your house, you really need to term. Or you can wait it out until one of your kids gets hurt and then ending up terming anyway. Trust me, they WILL get hurt. This little guy is getting stronger and faster and smarter and more brazen by the day, it is going to happen.

If you have to keep him, watch him like a hawk! which means your own kids will get the leftovers after this daycare child ****s you dry. This may or may not work but you can try it.

[Unregistered]

Good advice everyone, and I see a recurrent theme. I go to the same church and daycare and will see what I can find out. The gym uses time out and the church is very mellow and probably will avoid confrontation.

The parents do not hit and I think the parents coddle him too much. I will agree to the sit down sooner than later and hopefully figure it out..I have done much of what you said, but if I have to be a helicopter for 10 hours a day, maybe I figure something else out.

Any comments as to what the mom said regarding when she takes her child home at the end of the day--that he is a bit unruly and during the week everything that happens on the weekend is undone? I almost took offense, but I think she said that in defense to me pointing out the hitting because she never mentioned that before. I told her the dynamic on the weekend is totally different, especially because the husband works nights, and moms schedule means the parents are rarely together with the kid. Also, she started potty training this week(the hitting has been going on for a few weeks now so no correlation) Mom said he does well at home on the weekends with his potty training. I asked how often she puts him on the potty..IE: every 15, 20, 30. She doesn't..just randomly. I don't understand that method, but when I said he uses it occasionally, she comments..that's strange or thats weird..I don't think it is. I imagine the fact that he is engrossed in play and not used to a regular potty routine has some relevance.

[Heidi]

Good advice everyone, and I see a recurrent theme. I go to the same church and daycare and will see what I can find out. The gym uses time out and the church is very mellow and probably will avoid confrontation.

The parents do not hit and I think the parents coddle him too much. I will agree to the sit down sooner than later and hopefully figure it out..I have done much of what you said, but if I have to be a helicopter for 10 hours a day, maybe I figure something else out.

Any comments as to what the mom said regarding when she takes her child home at the end of the day--that he is a bit unruly and during the week everything that happens on the weekend is undone? I almost took offense, but I think she said that in defense to me pointing out the hitting because she never mentioned that before. I told her the dynamic on the weekend is totally different, especially because the husband works nights, and moms schedule means the parents are rarely together with the kid. Also, she started potty training this week(the hitting has been going on for a few weeks now so no correlation) Mom said he does well at home on the weekends with his potty training. I asked how often she puts him on the potty..IE: every 15, 20, 30. She doesn't..just randomly. I don't understand that method, but when I said he uses it occasionally, she comments..that's strange or thats weird..I don't think it is. I imagine the fact that he is engrossed in play and not used to a regular potty routine has some relevance.

I bet 100% of providers here will agree, that the LESS time parents spend with their child, the greater the likelihood of behavioral issues. It's 2fold: The child does not get enough face-time with parents, which causes him to act out, and when there is time, it's coddle-city to make up for the lack of time. It's epidemic! Dad sleeps because he worked all night, mom sets no real boundaries, and you have 2 others to take care of. Poor guy! It is NOT on you, though. His parents need a wake-up call, or they will honestly be dealing with this for the next day care, and the next, and then the school.

As for the potty training, most kids are not ready at 2 to take the lead. Some will "train" if put on the potty every x minutes, as you suggested, but very few children are really self-motivated to go potty at that age, especially when there are other children to play with (or torture :.

[Unregistered]

One last question. What are the best phrases we encourage the two year old to say? I know it should not be limited just a few words, but if he goes up to a child and steals their toy and then pushes, besides telling the child "we don't hit", what words should we use to express that he wants a turn, etc. "i want" , "my turn please" "share please" and then give it a few minutes and then let him have a turn? Should I be taking the toys away from the other kids just because this child wants a turn even though I think he wants it out of jealousy and ownership? Is this going to viewed as a punishment to my kids?

When he hits for the heck of it, besides saying we don't hit..depending upon the situation, are there better phrases that are easier for a 2 year old..

[daycarediva]

One last question. What are the best phrases we encourage the two year old to say? I know it should not be limited just a few words, but if he goes up to a child and steals their toy and then pushes, besides telling the child "we don't hit", what words should we use to express that he wants a turn, etc. "i want" , "my turn please" "share please" and then give it a few minutes and then let him have a turn? Should I be taking the toys away from the other kids just because this child wants a turn even though I think he wants it out of jealousy and ownership? Is this going to viewed as a punishment to my kids?

When he hits for the heck of it, besides saying we don't hit..depending upon the situation, are there better phrases that are easier for a 2 year old..

I handle sharing like this:

Child a is playing with the train. Child B comes up and attempts to take the train away. I give child B words if they don't have them yet "Can I have a turn when you are done?" then child A decides when to give the toy to child B.

I WILL NOT remove a toy from a child because another child wants it. It's a teachable moment about waiting, taking turns for child B and it's a teachable moment about genuine sharing for child A.

I try to say "No hitting, not ever" and immediately remove the hitter but I also give them things they can do with hands "Hands are for high 5's!" "Hands are for hugs!"

[MarinaVanessa]

One last question. What are the best phrases we encourage the two year old to say? I know it should not be limited just a few words, but if he goes up to a child and steals their toy and then pushes, besides telling the child "we don't hit", what words should we use to express that he wants a turn, etc. "i want" , "my turn please" "share please" and then give it a few minutes and then let him have a turn? Should I be taking the toys away from the other kids just because this child wants a turn even though I think he wants it out of jealousy and ownership? Is this going to viewed as a punishment to my kids?

When he hits for the heck of it, besides saying we don't hit..depending upon the situation, are there better phrases that are easier for a 2 year old..

With a 2yo its better to use simple sentences.
"No hit. Gentle."
"No push. Gentle"
"No take. Share"

And then demonstrate what you mean.
The child hits: calmly but firmly look him in eyes at his level and say "no push. Gentle" then touch him on the head or arm gently and you can take his hand and run it down your arm gently and repeat "gently".

If he is always trying to take the same toys stand back and look around. Are there enough toys for everyone? If the child is trying to take an action figure are there enough actions figures for everyone? Etc. Are there too many toys? Too many options can overwhelm a child. If its too noisy can you somehow make it less noisy? The child may be overstimulated. Keep track of when it happens. Is there a pattern? Is the child hungry or tired? Etc.

[nannyde]

When he hits for the heck of it, besides saying we don't hit..depending upon the situation, are there better phrases that are easier for a 2 year old..

I would use STOP IT and KNOCK IT OFF

I don't have ANY hitting in my house. NONE My kids don't fight at ALL. Our world would end as they know it if they started being violent. I have a ZERO tolerance for violence.

When I say ZERO I mean NONE... zero... zilch... nada... NONE