Please..Deal With Your Child. Am I Wrong?

[providerandmomof4]

I have written recently about the problems I have been having with a 2 yr dcb at dropoff. Well the fits have stopped due to quick drop offs at the door. Dcm doesn't come in and he is walking in on his own (dcm used to carry him in or try to hand him to me kicking and screaming) That has stopped. Yea!happyface
Now we have a new issue. I have him and his sis put on their shoes and put up toys about 15 mins before she is due to arrive. She is pretty consistent about her pick up times, which is good. Well...this little guy has decided he will not participate in clean up or getting ready to go. I figure it is the end of a 9.5 hr day and he has had it. So I usually cut him some slack and only have him get out a few toys so it isn't overwhelming to pick up and I help him. This past few weeks, when he learns that it is the end of the day, and almost pickup time, he refuses to do anything I ask and begins to really act out. Running up to my dch and hitting him while laughing. Running into the playroom, grabbing toys and throwing them at others. I shut the playroom, turn off the light and tell him it's time to get ready to go...I try to make it a calm time and they are the last pickups.
Now he refuses to put on shoes and socks or coat. Screaming like he's being tortured when I try to put them on. So, when dcm came on Friday I just handed her his shoes and socks and coat and said that I wasn't going to have another power struggle with him. I tell her that maybe (once again) if I didn't give him the negative attention, then he would stop.
So, she struggled with him for 5-10 mins in my entryway putting his shoes on. She gave him the cookies we had made at dc that day as a bribe, but he still was throwing a huge fit and getting the cookies everywhere. Oh my! She finally got his shoes and coat on and he ran down my stairs, which is off my side entry, and into my basement where no dc kids (or parents for that matter) are allowed, and she knows this....GRRR
Has anyone dealt with this child? I thought that by putting it back on mom, maybe she would handle it, but that obviously was not the case. I cannot have a repeat of that ridiculousness. Any suggestions? It's already such a late day and I am tired of the shenanigans

[Unregistered]

I'm registered but it won't let me log in...

Anyway, I would take complete control. Picking up toys doing hand-over-hand (me holding his hand and manipulating it to pick up the toy) then thanking him so much for helping clean up. Hold on to him at all times, so he cannot run away.
Sit on the floor with him between my legs and again using hand-over-hand to put on his shoes, coat etc.

Yes, it's complicated, a hassle, and takes time, but usually it's only a few days (or maybe only a single day) before they get that I am in charge, and if I say something is going to happen, it's going to happen, period - it is not a choice.

[Maria2013]

I'm sorry for you:hug:

my kids act that way only with their parents, so I make sure they're totally dressed and ready to go right when the parent shows up

[Unregistered]

I had this child. Exact child only he was an only child. he started at the age of 2 and was with me for a year. My advice is term if you can. The behavior only continued to get worse as he got older. He ran the show more and more. He was increasingly more aggressive to my own children at pickups. I tried everything, utilized the advice of some of the users on this site and read books on child behavior. EVERYTHING. Dcm would tell him it was time to go and he would scream in her face, throw stuff, push my kids, etc. She would just stand there making empty threats or doing nothing at all. Finally I started picking him up and putting his stuff on and handing him to her just to get him out of my house and she had the nerve to say that I was giving into him by not making him do it himself, that he was lucky I was so nice, etc. She did nothing to correct his behavior. The same charade would occur in my yard/driveway after they shut the door. EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. Screaming bloody murder, running away, crying, breaking my outside toys, etc.

I waited way too long. If you can afford to term, do it. Give her a final warning that if it's not corrected within 2 weeks it's immediate term (or whatever your handbook allows).

[Unregistered]

(I was previous unregistered poster) BTW I tried the whole having him ready when mom pulled up. Did not work. As soon as I started putting his stuff on (yes, me putting it on. He absolutely refused to do it every time) he would know it was almost time to leave and would immediately start acting out before dcm got here. When he seen her pull in the drive, it was hit my kids, throw stuff at them, jump on furniture, etc. Tried playing outside right before pickup in the summer, as soon as he seen her vehicle he would run up and hit or push one of my kids before I had a chance to get to him. just term.

[Maria2013]

(I was previous unregistered poster) BTW I tried the whole having him ready when mom pulled up. Did not work. As soon as I started putting his stuff on (yes, me putting it on. He absolutely refused to do it every time) he would know it was almost time to leave and would immediately start acting out before dcm got here. When he seen her pull in the drive, it was hit my kids, throw stuff at them, jump on furniture, etc. Tried playing outside right before pickup in the summer, as soon as he seen her vehicle he would run up and hit or push one of my kids before I had a chance to get to him. just term.

I agree, just tern! ...when child wins a power struggle, he/she will definitely find new ways to manipulate no money is worth putting up with that

[providerandmomof4]

I'm registered but it won't let me log in...

Anyway, I would take complete control. Picking up toys doing hand-over-hand (me holding his hand and manipulating it to pick up the toy) then thanking him so much for helping clean up. Hold on to him at all times, so he cannot run away.
Sit on the floor with him between my legs and again using hand-over-hand to put on his shoes, coat etc.

Yes, it's complicated, a hassle, and takes time, but usually it's only a few days (or maybe only a single day) before they get that I am in charge, and if I say something is going to happen, it's going to happen, period - it is not a choice.

I did this with him on Wednesday and Thurs last week and by Friday I had had it and decided to let mom deal with it. Plus I was afraid of what his sister was saying to his mom. He was screaming bloody murder while I was putting on his shoes and she (4yrs) said, "hey, leave my brother alone you're hurting him." I said, "Dcg, I'm not hurting him, he's just mad that I'm making him put on his shoes." But then I got to thinking, I wonder what she's telling her mom? I shouldn't have to struggle like this with a 2 yr old. Kwim?

[nannyde]

Can you video tape you getting him ready? That would solve the sisters accusations. I would always have her in an area out of sight of you when you are getting him ready. Make her go sit away from you with back turned. She needs a swift and immediate consequence for accusing you of harming him and you need to talk to mom about the accusation immediately when she arrives with the girl present. Tell them both you are now taping it and if she accuses you again you will term immediately.

I would have him get ready to leave at least ten times a day. I would devote at least two weeks if play time dressing him and having him pick up. He would then have a ten minute sit in full go home gear. Then he would get up, get undressed and go play. He would do it so much he would never know which time was the time. I would require the mom to call from the driveway and only come to door. She would not be allowed in my home with him. She's a danger to your business because she behaves so badly when her son is acting up. She is disrespecting your wishes by not controlling her child. If he is going to act like am animal in public then.she, as his Mother should NOT take him into public.

I wrote a blog on this. Check it out.

[providerandmomof4]

Can you video tape you getting him ready? That would solve the sisters accusations. I would always have her in an area out of sight of you when you are getting him ready. Make her go sit away from you with back turned. She needs a swift and immediate consequence for accusing you of harming him and you need to talk to mom about the accusation immediately when she arrives with the girl present. Tell them both you are now taping it and if she accuses you again you will term immediately.

I would have him get ready to leave at least ten times a day. I would devote at least two weeks if play time dressing him and having him pick up. He would then have a ten minute sit in full go home gear. Then he would get up, get undressed and go play. He would do it so much he would never know which time was the time. I would require the mom to call from the driveway and only come to door. She would not be allowed in my home with him. She's a danger to your business because she behaves so badly when her son is acting up. She is disrespecting your wishes by not controlling her child. If he is going to act like am animal in public then.she, as his Mother should NOT take him into public.

I wrote a blog on this. Check it out.

I would love to read the blog. Where can I find it?

[providerandmomof4]

I would love to read the blog. Where can I find it?

Found it. I completely agree. I guess I knew what needed to happen. The drop off at the door works so well in the morning...My thinking was that I wouldn't need it in the evening because he would be so happy and ready to go home. Not the case.

[nannyde]

Found it. I completely agree. I guess I knew what needed to happen. The drop off at the door works so well in the morning...My thinking was that I wouldn't need it in the evening because he would be so happy and ready to go home. Not the case.

It's not about happiness except that he is clearly unhappy when he is put in the leadership position. He's in charge and he can't manage it. You might try having the sister ready and get her out the door so mom can get her buckled in. Shut door behind her and then dress him. Have mom come to door... open...scoot him out... shut door quickly.

Your goal is to NEVER have him and mom under your roof at the same time.

I would celebrate his screaming as you are getting him ready. He needs to blow steam and I would be happy to hear it and see it. I would smile and tell him he is a good screamer and good job!

[Heidi]

It's not about happiness except that he is clearly unhappy when he is put in the leadership position. He's in charge and he can't manage it. You might try having the sister ready and get her out the door so mom can get her buckled in. Shut door behind her and then dress him. Have mom come to door... open...scoot him out... shut door quickly.

Your goal is to NEVER have him and mom under your roof at the same time.

I would celebrate his screaming as you are getting him ready. He needs to blow steam and I would be happy to hear it and see it. I would smile and tell him he is a good screamer and good job!

::::

Interesting idea...

I think Nan's suggestion of sending his sister out first,then getting him ready, may be an option.

Perhaps you could set them up at the table (buckled in booster seat) with an activity at the end of the day. Preferably something he enjoys. So, transition from clean-up to table time 15 minutes before pickup. If he doesn't like the table activities and tosses them, too bad.

Then, have mom call you 5 minutes out. Clean up activity (or at least their share if your own kids are still at it), send 4 year old to get ready. When mom arrives, send her out, then close door. Now, get 2 yo out of chair (he's probably yelling to get out by now?). Get him dressed, have mom wait outside and hand him out.

Once he gets the hang of it, you could forgo the booster seat. Just keep it consistent otherwise.

Do you give him limited choices? "Do you want to put your shoes on first or your coat? Do you want to clean up the duplos, or the cars?" Or 'dcb...you are in charge of cleaning up the xxx". Giving everyone assigned tasks (more complicated ones for the older kids) makes them feel a reasonable sense of power.


Also, while shoes are a necessity if it's wet or cold, a jacket or hat or mitten are not. If it's such a struggle to get them on, you could just hand those off to mom. Now, if it's deadly cold, there's no choice, but baring that, I would not fight that fight.

[Unregistered]

Something I have done with children is to play act a difficult situation with a doll or stuffed animal. Give him a teddy bear or something during playtime, and ask him to help teddy get ready to go home. It works with the bears that have clothes, you know, the ones from the mall store. Or if you have a doll with a jacket for burgeoning, zipping tying practice, that will work. After teddy or dolly gets ready, ask him what does teddy do now ? Teddy gets into the car with mommy and goes home. Explain how important it is to have Teddy bear get ready to go home . How much fun teddy bear had. Sing a goodbye song, sing the same song while dcb gets ready to go home. I hate to disagree with Nanny D, but having one child in the car while mom comes back for the other seems like a liability if something should happen. It isn't too safe. Mom should leave with both, maybe sister can be a " helper" at the end of the day, and help Dcb sing the goodbye song. There are many different ways to help him transition.

[nannyde]

Something I have done with children is to play act a difficult situation with a doll or stuffed animal. Give him a teddy bear or something during playtime, and ask him to help teddy get ready to go home. It works with the bears that have clothes, you know, the ones from the mall store. Or if you have a doll with a jacket for burgeoning, zipping tying practice, that will work. After teddy or dolly gets ready, ask him what does teddy do now ? Teddy gets into the car with mommy and goes home. Explain how important it is to have Teddy bear get ready to go home . How much fun teddy bear had. Sing a goodbye song, sing the same song while dcb gets ready to go home. I hate to disagree with Nanny D, but having one child in the car while mom comes back for the other seems like a liability if something should happen. It isn't too safe. Mom should leave with both, maybe sister can be a " helper" at the end of the day, and help Dcb sing the goodbye song. There are many different ways to help him transition.

I think having the two year old walking with mom and sister at the same time is way bigger liability. Mom needs to just do him from door to door. Then there is no excuse for her not to hands on take him. If mom stays outside within eyeshot of the car she can supervise both.

I don't agree with any pre training that includes fun activities. I would practice the drill over and over but it would just be him following directions and good long periods of just sitting still. If you start adding play and excitement to it it will work until it becomes boring. He doesn't need fun while doing transitions. We all have to do things that are boring and we all have to wait, sit, and follow directions.

[JoseyJo]

Something I have done with children is to play act a difficult situation with a doll or stuffed animal. Give him a teddy bear or something during playtime, and ask him to help teddy get ready to go home. It works with the bears that have clothes, you know, the ones from the mall store. Or if you have a doll with a jacket for burgeoning, zipping tying practice, that will work. After teddy or dolly gets ready, ask him what does teddy do now ? Teddy gets into the car with mommy and goes home. Explain how important it is to have Teddy bear get ready to go home . How much fun teddy bear had. Sing a goodbye song, sing the same song while dcb gets ready to go home. I hate to disagree with Nanny D, but having one child in the car while mom comes back for the other seems like a liability if something should happen. It isn't too safe. Mom should leave with both, maybe sister can be a " helper" at the end of the day, and help Dcb sing the goodbye song. There are many different ways to help him transition.

Maybe I am very very jaded, but this post made me laugh out loud! To me this sounds like either a CDA student right out of school... I can't imagine this provider has ever dealt with a child like the one described by the OP.