DBF Made A Comment About Grocery Bill...

[MotherNature]

Your post made me really sad. It sounds as if you guys are moving apart to be honest. You have to be best friends with your mate and both of you need to treat each other better than you would anyone else. Something is very wrong with his selfish way of thinking about the groceries. If my husband acted that way before we were married theres no way I would have married him. I'm sorry for what you are going through! :hug:

I agree.

[countrymom]

I guess I'm just old fashioned.

I just don't get the "mine" and "yours" money thing.

For the past 32 years we have only had "our" money.

here too. And its been like this for 16 yrs. Dh always says that he never sees his paycheck--well of course he never sees it because its direct deposit ::

[Heidi]

We've been together 12 years and married almost 10, and this is STILL a struggle for us.

I brought 4 kids into this relationship, his were grown. I make 1/3 what he does. He was a bachelor for 10 years.

DH needs constant reminders that this is OUR house, OUR money, etc., and that "sweat equity" has value. Most of the time he remembers, but he does fall back on old patterns easily. He also likes to be in charge.

Brooksie, this is one of those things that you absolutely need to work out before things get more serious, and certainly before you make a long-term commitment to each other. Hammer it out now. How does he think it should work?

Personally, I recommend you sit down together every couple weeks and work out what's being paid, how it's being paid, etc. You don't have to throw it all into a joint bank account yet, but you need to pool your resources in a fair way.

[coolconfidentme]

If my husband was acting like that, I would neither cook for him nor shop for him. He would be completely on his own. He wants to act like a kid, he can go back to his mama's for dinner.

My ex-husband complained & I told him he can now take care of his own food..., & laundry too. I never lifted a finger for either from that moment on. (He's an ex for a reason.)

[Play Care]

My ex-husband complained & I told him he can now take care of his own food..., & laundry too. I never lifted a finger for either from that moment on. (He's an ex for a reason.)

I had a great aunt who, after the death of her husband, REFUSED to have serious relationships. She would date only - no "steadies" or live ins. She said she spent most of her adult life catering to her family and husband. She would always say as she was on her way out for a date "do it ONCE ladies and then never again!!" ::

Best.advice.ever.

[Brooksie]

I had a great aunt who, after the death of her husband, REFUSED to have serious relationships. She would date only - no "steadies" or live ins. She said she spent most of her adult life catering to her family and husband. She would always say as she was on her way out for a date "do it ONCE ladies and then never again!!" ::

Best.advice.ever.

Ahahahaha! She rocks.

[KIDZRMYBIZ]

here too. And its been like this for 16 yrs. Dh always says that he never sees his paycheck--well of course he never sees it because its direct deposit ::

Here, too. Like Meeko, LittleMissMuffet, and a few others here, we don't separate our money. We really are united in every way (since Nov 1992). Listen to us "little old couples." We know what we are talking about!

I will share our wisdom to marital success with you Brooksie: have a very honest and frank discussion about finances. Bring all your debt to the table, pool your salaries, and don't spend ANY money outside of an agreed budget without talking about and agreeing upon it first.

Don't be snarky or passive-aggressive with your mate. Love and cherish. Treat one another like you expect to be treated. Sincerely respect one another. If you actually love each other, act like it.

[Brooksie]

Here, too. Like Meeko, LittleMissMuffet, and a few others here, we don't separate our money. We really are united in every way (since Nov 1992). Listen to us "little old couples." We know what we are talking about!

I will share our wisdom to marital success with you Brooksie: have a very honest and frank discussion about finances. Bring all your debt to the table, pool your salaries, and don't spend ANY money outside of an agreed budget without talking about and agreeing upon it first.

Don't be snarky or passive-aggressive with your mate. Love and cherish. Treat one another like you expect to be treated. Sincerely respect one another. If you actually love each other, act like it.

I think it would be more appropriate to pool our finances once we are married. We aren't even engaged. Its his money. The thing is, its our bills now. So that's the point I'm making. I'm not interested in saying his money is my money. Its not there yet. I agree though, once we are married its "our" money. He has the right to choose how to spend his money grocery wise. I just think its ridiculous which is my point. If he wants to only spend him money on Ramen, he will only eat Ramen... I'm sure he will come around ::

[Great Beginnings]

I guess I'm just old fashioned.

I just don't get the "mine" and "yours" money thing.

For the past 32 years we have only had "our" money.

Same here. My husband is not my son's father but since the day we decided to move in together and get married the option of yours and mine was gone. He helps out with my son and daycare just as equally as I am expect to. I wouldn't tolerate it any other way.

All our money goes into one account and I pay the bills, take care of savings etc. so We have a happy saying here. What's his is mine and what's mine is mine ::

[AcornMama]

I think it would be more appropriate to pool our finances once we are married. We aren't even engaged. Its his money. The thing is, its our bills now. So that's the point I'm making. I'm not interested in saying his money is my money. Its not there yet. I agree though, once we are married its "our" money. He has the right to choose how to spend his money grocery wise. I just think its ridiculous which is my point. If he wants to only spend him money on Ramen, he will only eat Ramen... I'm sure he will come around ::

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but it seems to me that when you decide to live together, then life becomes "together," whether or not you have that marriage license. I think you'll have constant struggles if parts of your life are "together" (housing, "family" fun, intimacy, and all the other things the two of you enjoy about spending life together) and other parts are separate (food, bills, household responsibility, etc.).

I will say that I've only ever been single or married, never living together, so you may choose to ignore my thoughts. But I have been married for 20 years to a man I love who also drives me absolutely crazy sometimes. We still have struggles. That's just life. And even though our money is "ours," we still have money arguments, because we have different personalities and goals regarding saving and spending. Unfortunately, for some couples, money arguments are just part of life.

Money arguments have been so significant in our marriage, that I can't begin to imagine how I'd handle it if we didn't have that permanency of marriage behind it all. I'm not saying this as judgmental of your situation at all. I just feel badly for you. My husband also never lived on his own before marriage, so I know how that feels.

Hugs.:hug:

[Willow]

I did "ours" in my first marriage and ended up with a house in foreclosure, sky high debt, no food in my cupboards and two small children I nearly couldn't care for. He was an escalating conniving addict and the "ours" thing only served to drag me down to the depths of despair with him.

Now remarried we have "ours" for joint bills but I also make my own money and keep a separate savings account with a perpetual nest egg to help me sleep at night. He doesn't keep one of his own, but understands and respects why that makes me feel better as a mother who had to fight her way back from literally losing everything.

I think it's the respect a couple has for each other in regards to how they manage their finances, over how they actually choose to execute their preferences.


I don't think me having "mine" is going to doom my marriage any more the ex and I having all "ours" contributed to the degradation of my first.

[AcornMama]

Now remarried we have "ours" for joint bills but I also make my own money and keep a separate savings account with a perpetual nest egg to help me sleep at night. He doesn't keep one of his own, but understands and respects why that makes me feel better as a mother who had to fight her way back from literally losing everything.

This makes a lot of sense. And now that I'm doing the daycare thing, will be the first time that I've had my "own" money. I'm sure that will change the dynamics for us a bit.

[DaycareMom]

I am curious, how did he react when you and DD were eating a gourmet meal and he had to eat ramen?

[Jack Sprat]

I guess I'm just old fashioned.

I just don't get the "mine" and "yours" money thing.

For the past 32 years we have only had "our" money.

We do too! We have a joint account and then separate for daycare. I usually use daycare $ for food, gas, supplies and clothing for our own children. If its a big purchase or I need extra money I dip into our joint account. A lot of people I know do separate accounts. It has been my experience from listening to them vent, that it causes a lot of hard feelings. Especially when they are not both earning the same amount.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I did "ours" in my first marriage and ended up with a house in foreclosure, sky high debt, no food in my cupboards and two small children I nearly couldn't care for. He was an escalating conniving addict and the "ours" thing only served to drag me down to the depths of despair with him.

Now remarried we have "ours" for joint bills but I also make my own money and keep a separate savings account with a perpetual nest egg to help me sleep at night. He doesn't keep one of his own, but understands and respects why that makes me feel better as a mother who had to fight her way back from literally losing everything.

I think it's the respect a couple has for each other in regards to how they manage their finances, over how they actually choose to execute their preferences.


I don't think me having "mine" is going to doom my marriage any more the ex and I having all "ours" contributed to the degradation of my first.

I also did "ours" and it ended horribly. I never knew my house was almost foreclosed on until I saw the statements!!! My credit was SHOT.
Anyways, should I remarry in the future I will keep MY account in addition to having a joint one. I cannot handle what I handled in the past.