So Fed Up With Aggressive 2 Year Old DCG.....WTD?

[Soccermom]

2 year old DCG is constantly picking on others DCKs when she is here. I must have done at least 10 time outs with her in a 3 hour period this morning!! Time outs do not bother her one bit either.

Just this morning she hit another DCG on the head twice with a toy. Pulled a huge chunk of same DCG's hair out with play pliers, pushed another DCK down about 4 times, hit another DCG with a lego platform in the eye and used a play kitchen to crush another DCK. These are just the things that come to mind right now!

I am frustrated because she has days when she is perfectly well behaved and then there are days like today.

Her mother is the kindergarten teacher at the local school my DS will be attending next year so the idea of terming stresses me out.(There is only one class so she will likely be his teacher)

What should I do?

[Brooksie]

I would shadow her. If you can't be right there, she needs to shadow you. Time outs do not work for 2 year olds. They don't understand it in the least. All they see it is getting attention for bad behaviors. I would try to intervene before she does anything. Clearly you know when she's having a bad day and when she is make sure to keep an eye out for her cues. Soon as she starts going to do something that can hurt someone, stop her. Tell her 'hitting hurts' and keep it simple. She sees the reaction she is getting by hitting and hurting the other kids and its reinforcing the behavior.

Definitely makes sure to praise the good behaviors. Any time she is playing nicely and gently comment on it and talk about how much fun everyone is having when we play nice. If she does manage to hit someone then be sure to show attention to the victim instead of the aggressor. Many times when a child hits we go straight to showing the aggressor the negative attention and reprimand BEFORE tending to the victim. You want her to see that the child who is hurt is getting your attention, not her. After that you can talk to her about why that behavior is not ok, "Look at susie, She's crying. You hit her and that hurts. That is not ok. Poor susie." And then go back to tending to Susie.

I do have a "if you hit, you sit'" rule here but I don't get a lot of hitting (except from dd). The sitting out comes after the attention to the victim and talking to the aggressor. So after you talk to her you can implement a short time out but like you said, that isn't working so I would try to make other steps to improve her behavior and step in before things get out of control.

Good luck!

[Heidi]

Yeah, I agree with Brooksie. I don't think that she has the capacity yet to think "If I hit I will get a time out...oh, and I sure don't want that!".

A time out, really, is for YOU, not for her. Basically, a chance for you to take a breath. Can you make an area just for her to be alone? Maybe she needs more alone play at this point; because she's not really ready to take the reigns of playing with peers. I'd make that her primary place to play unless you can be right there. At those times, watch for WHY she is hitting, and coach her language. Once she gets more language skills, she's less likely to use physical force.

[Leigh]

If she is a young 2, time outs are probably not going to do much good-a child will be closer to 3 before they have the capacity to understand why they are there.

I have a child who recently started hitting, as well...this book has worked wonders: http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-...ot+for+hitting

I like this series, as well as some of the Boystown Press books about behavior. We read the books often, and when bad behaviors occur, the other kids will correct with "hands are not for hitting" or "hands are for saying hello!". Sometimes the offender will say it themselves after doing it!

A book is not going to solve all behavior problems, but I have seen much improvement in ALL of the kids' behaviors and more self control since I have started using them.

In addition, you could try taking away something the child values for a period of time, such as freedom (by having the child shadow you), a valued toy, or something else that the child loves...she may not associate the behaviors with the loss of privileges right away, but it will happen. When the girl is out of control, a few minutes in a crib or PNP can help, too, if you are allowed to do so in your state. I do this (at the direction of a therapist friend), and say "If you can't be nice to the other children, then you may not be around them for a while", and leave the child in the PNP for 2-3 minutes.

[Kimskiddos]

I have a 22mo that will get aggressive and scream at others, after a couple of redirections I separate. My playroom is divided into basically 6 areas so he will have to play by himself in an area until he can calm down we talk about being gentle/using words with friends. He is separated anywhere from 3 to 10 minutes? Just depends on his mood and whether he gets involved with toys in his area. He loves cars, blocks and the kitchen center. These can keep him happily playing for a while.

It's a work in progress but it seems to help.

[melilley]

I have a 25 mo. old who does the same things! And it's almost always when he thinks I'm not looking so I think he knows. Plus he sometimes goes to the child he hurt and will do what we call "nice touches" where you gently touch someone instead of in a way that would hurt. I also talk to him and tell him what he did. I do do time outs. He may not fully understand them, but I mainly do them for him to have time to calm down, when I talk to him about what he does, he goes into a screaming fit. Plus mom wants to do them and we are trying to be on the same page here as home.
My dcb can't really talk yet so I think that may be some of the problem, but he will just walk calmly up to someone and hit.

I can't term either. Mom is working with him and even called Early On to have him evaluated because his anger seems to be out of the norm so I feel I should try to help so that he isn't lugged from one place to another.

I feel you!

[Soccermom]

I have a 25 mo. old who does the same things! And it's almost always when he thinks I'm not looking so I think he knows. Plus he sometimes goes to the child he hurt and will do what we call "nice touches" where you gently touch someone instead of in a way that would hurt. I also talk to him and tell him what he did. I do do time outs. He may not fully understand them, but I mainly do them for him to have time to calm down, when I talk to him about what he does, he goes into a screaming fit. Plus mom wants to do them and we are trying to be on the same page here as home.
My dcb can't really talk yet so I think that may be some of the problem, but he will just walk calmly up to someone and hit.

I can't term either. Mom is working with him and even called Early On to have him evaluated because his anger seems to be out of the norm so I feel I should try to help so that he isn't lugged from one place to another.

I feel you!

This little one knows too. She always waits until I am busy with another DCK before she strikes. She will often talk nicely to the DCK before she does it too. It is strange and so unfair for the other DCKS.
I have one who was always so well behaved just start hitting and pushing recently in defense because of this.

[childcaremom]

I am in a similar situation with a 2 yo (just turned) here.

I was doing redirections until mom told me she was doing them at home so I just started with them. I don't think he understands them and personally prefer doing redirections or separations. To me it seems more 'logical' and 'natural'. After a few redirections I would then remove him saying, "You are having a hard time playing nicely with your friends. We are going to take a break and try again later."

This used to work but lately nothing seems to work. So when mom told me she was doing time outs I said I'd give it a go.

Yesterday he shoved someone (really hard and completely out of the blue) 3 times before I removed him to play by himself. Today it was 4 times. I have told mom that he is my shadow for the rest of today and tomorrow. Thursday he will be closely monitored within the group and any more aggressive acts he will be sent home immediately.

I have to nip this. I don't want to jump to a term because, like pp said, mom is working with me, but I am still holding onto that as the final option. I don't want to lose my other kids because of him and if I have to keep him physically separate from the group to keep them safe..... then our group is obviously not a good fit for him.

Good luck ~ it's a challenging age!

[My3cents]

2 year old DCG is constantly picking on others DCKs when she is here. I must have done at least 10 time outs with her in a 3 hour period this morning!! Time outs do not bother her one bit either.

Just this morning she hit another DCG on the head twice with a toy. Pulled a huge chunk of same DCG's hair out with play pliers, pushed another DCK down about 4 times, hit another DCG with a lego platform in the eye and used a play kitchen to crush another DCK. These are just the things that come to mind right now!

I am frustrated because she has days when she is perfectly well behaved and then there are days like today.

Her mother is the kindergarten teacher at the local school my DS will be attending next year so the idea of terming stresses me out.(There is only one class so she will likely be his teacher)

What should I do?

make this kiddo your shadow or have her play alone until she realizes she can't hurt her friends. I would have the hawk eye on her at all times. Truly it is the age and testing and no understanding of limits and boundries. Ten times out........she doesn't get the time out thing. I would not even bother with time out, just remove and give her an area that she plays in until she can play nicer. Don't hold back talking with the parent about it either. Often brainstorming with parents help, and being on the same page somewhat. Daycare is different then home and just go on doing what you have to do to keep the other kids safe while this little gem figures out she just can't do that. I also change up my voice with a strong NO. It will get better- Think of her as a super duper challenge and mission to get her where she needs to be. If it so bad that you feel you can't be a help to this little one than the best thing to do is let her go- Best

[My3cents]

I would shadow her. If you can't be right there, she needs to shadow you. Time outs do not work for 2 year olds. They don't understand it in the least. All they see it is getting attention for bad behaviors. I would try to intervene before she does anything. Clearly you know when she's having a bad day and when she is make sure to keep an eye out for her cues. Soon as she starts going to do something that can hurt someone, stop her. Tell her 'hitting hurts' and keep it simple. She sees the reaction she is getting by hitting and hurting the other kids and its reinforcing the behavior.

Definitely makes sure to praise the good behaviors. Any time she is playing nicely and gently comment on it and talk about how much fun everyone is having when we play nice. If she does manage to hit someone then be sure to show attention to the victim instead of the aggressor. Many times when a child hits we go straight to showing the aggressor the negative attention and reprimand BEFORE tending to the victim. You want her to see that the child who is hurt is getting your attention, not her. After that you can talk to her about why that behavior is not ok, "Look at susie, She's crying. You hit her and that hurts. That is not ok. Poor susie." And then go back to tending to Susie.

I do have a "if you hit, you sit'" rule here but I don't get a lot of hitting (except from dd). The sitting out comes after the attention to the victim and talking to the aggressor. So after you talk to her you can implement a short time out but like you said, that isn't working so I would try to make other steps to improve her behavior and step in before things get out of control.

Good luck!

[My3cents]

I am in a similar situation with a 2 yo (just turned) here.

I was doing redirections until mom told me she was doing them at home so I just started with them. I don't think he understands them and personally prefer doing redirections or separations. To me it seems more 'logical' and 'natural'. After a few redirections I would then remove him saying, "You are having a hard time playing nicely with your friends. We are going to take a break and try again later."

This used to work but lately nothing seems to work. So when mom told me she was doing time outs I said I'd give it a go.

Yesterday he shoved someone (really hard and completely out of the blue) 3 times before I removed him to play by himself. Today it was 4 times. I have told mom that he is my shadow for the rest of today and tomorrow. Thursday he will be closely monitored within the group and any more aggressive acts he will be sent home immediately.

I have to nip this. I don't want to jump to a term because, like pp said, mom is working with me, but I am still holding onto that as the final option. I don't want to lose my other kids because of him and if I have to keep him physically separate from the group to keep them safe..... then our group is obviously not a good fit for him.I agree with you but if it ends up to be a long term situation but separation as a short term solution is often all it takes. Not always but removing, either the child, the toy and making a safe choice play area does work, all depending upon the kid

Good luck ~ it's a challenging age!

IT is a challenging age and phase. For me I will get to the point where I am like I can't take this anymore and then it seems they figure it out and we move onto another stage.
best-

[countrymom]

well, I use time outs here and they work. The kids know i don't put up with silliness and you will be punished. I will use my stern mean voice and I will walk the child to the corner and they do stand in the corner. I found redirection just doesn't work.

[cheerfuldom]

sounds like she needs to be shadowed. she comes with you at all times. if you are changing diapers, scoot a chair over and she sits right there till you are done.