Divorcing Parents, What to Do???

[tenderhearts]

Ok I have a situation that I don't really know how to handle. I had a new girl start back in March, mom did the interview only, dad was out of country for work months at a time and she did tell me at the time of the interview they were divorcing when he got back but he didnt' know yet.
So she is the one who interviewed and signed the contract. So now dad is back and they are going through the divorce and from what I gather are having some custody hearings. Neither have them have gotten me involved in any way or have said anything just I have a court hearing today something along those lines. Only thing is that I have the question on is on a few occassions the dad has asked me what time she gets dropped off in the morning. When he first asked I didn't really think much of it, I thought more he was asking because he was a little later than normal, then a couple times he asked again what time she gets dropped off and then said yea I'm having a heck of a time getting her to bed at a normal bedtime, I think she's staying up late at home maybe. I then started feeling unsure and uncomfortable answering his questions so I really didn't say much just oh about he same. So in a situation like this do you refer him to her or what? Heres the reason I'm asking they had a court hearing today and I gather he took the info I gave him which was only a time to the court because mom said that if he asks anything if I could refer him to her and not say anything.
She said I don't want you to have to be involved in this in any way and I said yes it is uncomfortable, i assured her he never has asked anything other than the time and I told her the truth that i thought he was only asking because he was unsure or later than normal. She said he can be a little sneaky so I just told him he needed to come to me and not involve you. SO what is my obligation? she signed the contract but they were still married, he is still her dad and involved and such....

[marniewon]

Your only obligation is to the person who signed the contract. If mom asked you to defer him to her, than that's what I'd do. Although, might sound pretty snarky if you didn't answer a simple question like what time is she usually dropped off.

But, I would still (unless it's a question about how she's doing in your care) tell him he needs to talk to mom about it, that you can only discuss things with the person who signed the contract.

[tenderhearts]

Thanks that's kind of what I thought. Just when he asked me what time she was dropped off the first couple times it really seemed like he was just wondering making sure he was dropping her off at the right time. Then when he asked then said he was having a hard time getting her to bed I started questioning (to myself) why he was asking and felt really uncomfortable so I would just say the same. Now I wonder what he said because mom said he's known to lie and she was very brief didn't get into anything at all but now I'm wondering if she just ment he lies in general or he lied about what I had said.

I don't know what's going on with them or anything but it's obviously a very bitter and nasty divorce and I'm very thankful she doesn't want me to have to be uncomfortable

[DCMomOf3]

I agree with marniewon. The only other thing I would add is that any info passed to the dad at all I would email to BOTH parents so they both know exactly what you said and there is documentation incase he (or she I guess) tries to spin what you said.

[tenderhearts]

thanks, i don't email my parents and there never is any info that I give her, anything is in a newsletter and I give him one as well. So now what if he asks me again what do I say?? Mom said to refer all questions to her?

[marniewon]

thanks, i don't email my parents and there never is any info that I give her, anything is in a newsletter and I give him one as well. So now what if he asks me again what do I say?? Mom said to refer all questions to her?

Yep! Mom is being a great dcm and trying to keep you out of it - so take advantage of that and don't feel bad.

Dad: What time did Girl get to daycare yesterday?
You: I'm sorry, you'll have to ask mom. (or you can be really clueless and say, I don't remember, why don't you ask mom?)

[tenderhearts]

Definetly think he's trying to pin something on her whatever that is I don't know, now I feel like I did something wrong for telling him before.

[Blackcat31]

Why not try saying "She was scheduled for 8 a.m." rather than divulge what time she was actually dropped off. If he tries asking for a more indepth answer just be up front now and say that you are uncomfortable being put in the middle and he should ask mom because he is obviously asking because he has issues with the mom that don't concern you. I think if you speak up now if necessary you won't be in deeper later. There really isn't any other reason that I can think of that he would need to know exactly what time she got there. By answering that she was scheduled at such and such time is factual and can not be used against you by either parent and it keeps the relationship business.
In regards to married parents, I am not sure about other states but I was told that we can't deny one parent or the other any access to their child unless we have a copy of a court order saying otherwise. It doesn't matter who signed the contract. I have lots of families that mom was the interview person and dad did not sign papers. Doesn't change that he still is the custodial parent also. So when this happens in my program, I tell all parents the same thing. If you both had custody when the child was enrolled, then you want to change it, I need to have a copy of the court order stating the change before I can observe it.

[missnikki]

Why not try saying "She was scheduled for 8 a.m." rather than divulge what time she was actually dropped off. If he tries asking for a more indepth answer just be up front now and say that you are uncomfortable being put in the middle and he should ask mom because he is obviously asking because he has issues with the mom that don't concern you. I think if you speak up now if necessary you won't be in deeper later. There really isn't any other reason that I can think of that he would need to know exactly what time she got there. By answering that she was scheduled at such and such time is factual and can not be used against you by either parent and it keeps the relationship business.
In regards to married parents, I am not sure about other states but I was told that we can't deny one parent or the other any access to their child unless we have a copy of a court order saying otherwise. It doesn't matter who signed the contract. I have lots of families that mom was the interview person and dad did not sign papers. Doesn't change that he still is the custodial parent also. So when this happens in my program, I tell all parents the same thing. If you both had custody when the child was enrolled, then you want to change it, I need to have a copy of the court order stating the change before I can observe it.

I agree. Tell him you are a little uncomfortable with getting involved in reporting anything that happens on mom's time.

[legomom922]

Well being involved with a custody case myself, my outlook may be a little different.

They are still married..they both currently have legal custody..even when they are divorced, if they have JOINT custody, he is entitled by law to be informed of anything that has to do with school, daycare etc. If she gets SOLE custody then you can withold info.

I would tell both parents, that you do not want to get involved, however, if either parent asks anything, unless they have an order of protection or a sole custody agreement signed by a judge, that you will answer questions honestly. If they both are aware that you will be answering both sets of questions, then they will stop asking you anyway. They are only trying to get someone else on their side.

[melskids]

Well being involved with a custody case myself, my outlook may be a little different.

They are still married..they both currently have legal custody..even when they are divorced, if they have JOINT custody, he is entitled by law to be informed of anything that has to do with school, daycare etc. If she gets SOLE custody then you can withold info.

I would tell both parents, that you do not want to get involved, however, if either parent asks anything, unless they have an order of protection or a sole custody agreement signed by a judge, that you will answer questions honestly. If they both are aware that you will be answering both sets of questions, then they will stop asking you anyway. They are only trying to get someone else on their side.

agreed. i went through a similar situation with my older sons father. we werent married, but both had joint custody (at first). during this time he had complete access , legally, to all of my sons info at school, and even the doctor for medical records. that only lastest about a year and he dropped off the face of the earth anyway.