Need Advice..Please

[Provider_Manda]

I have my own 3 1/2 year old son and I'll admit there are times he can be rough. Now let me first say that he does not get by with it, he gets in trouble especially when it comes to him hitting the other daycare kids. Well I get a message this morning from a parent that says her dcd told her that she is scared to come because of my son. Now her dcd has never showed any signs of being scared of him, and they always play together. I told dcm that my son is rough, but gets punished for when he is hitting. That he does not get by with it..I am gets getting so tired of this. It is always something and the blame always comes back to my kid. DCM is getting ready to have a baby, so dcg has been something lately, whinny and being mouthy and mean at times to other kids. I am just very over protective of my son, and hate the thought of someone thinking anything negative against him. Any advice??

[Willow]

How often is it happening? When you say he's being punished what does that mean, what is his response and does it work ( even for awhile)? Do you have a plan in place to prevent him from hitting others in the future?

This can be tough stuff to hear and deal with but that you acknowkedge there is a problem may mean the parents concerns are legitimate you know? At 3 1/2 barring any delays there's no reason he should be lashing out like that at this point.

[JoseyJo]

I have my own 3 1/2 year old son and I'll admit there are times he can be rough. Now let me first say that he does not get by with it, he gets in trouble especially when it comes to him hitting the other daycare kids. Well I get a message this morning from a parent that says her dcd told her that she is scared to come because of my son. Now her dcd has never showed any signs of being scared of him, and they always play together. I told dcm that my son is rough, but gets punished for when he is hitting. That he does not get by with it..I am gets getting so tired of this. It is always something and the blame always comes back to my kid. DCM is getting ready to have a baby, so dcg has been something lately, whinny and being mouthy and mean at times to other kids. I am just very over protective of my son, and hate the thought of someone thinking anything negative against him. Any advice??

Not trying to be mean or anything... But she is being protective of her child too! If the situation was reversed and the dcg was your daughter and your son was a dcb would how would you feel? Would you say something? Pull your child because they are getting hurt?

Personally if my child was getting hurt at daycare I would do exactly what she is doing- first talk to the provider to see if the problem can be fixed, then if it was not I would find another provider...

Again, NOT trying to be mean, just being honest.

As for advice- it would depend on what you are doing to stop the hitting. I would shadow him, then if that doesn't work he would shadow me, then (since you can't term your own child) I would not allow him to close enough to the other children to hit or hurt them until he can show that he can play nicely. Personally I would NOT allow my child to hurt someone else's child. When mine were younger (I did not run a daycare then) if they hurt someone (hit, threw something at, etc) they would have instant, swift, and firm consequences.

[Provider_Manda]

Not trying to be mean or anything... But she is being protective of her child too! If the situation was reversed and the dcg was your daughter and your son was a dcb would how would you feel? Would you say something? Pull your child because they are getting hurt?

Personally if my child was getting hurt at daycare I would do exactly what she is doing- first talk to the provider to see if the problem can be fixed, then if it was not I would find another provider...

Again, NOT trying to be mean, just being honest.

As for advice- it would depend on what you are doing to stop the hitting. I would shadow him, then if that doesn't work he would shadow me, then (since you can't term your own child) I would not allow him to close enough to the other children to hit or hurt them until he can show that he can play nicely. Personally I would NOT allow my child to hurt someone else's child. When mine were younger (I did not run a daycare then) if they hurt someone (hit, threw something at, etc) they would have instant, swift, and firm consequences.

I understand she is being protective and if she wasn't I would worry honestly. It seems not matter what because I am the provider my child is the one always in the wrong. Which is not true. I will admit he rough plays and a lot of it I believe is because him and daddy rough house. I DO NOT allow him to hit, and we have tried different punishments. Sometimes it works sometimes it don't. My ds is a good kid and is well behaved, it's when he is at home with the daycare kids I think he get's overwhelmed and I know for a small child it is hard having someone everyday in "your space" playing with your toys and so on. I have talked with mom, and I have also talked with the kids here today. We are going to be doing a good behavior chart to get fun rewards for everyone's behavior not just my ds. DCM is expecting a baby soon, so I dcg is having a hard transition right now. When I asked her if she was scared of ds she so "Nope, he's my friend" so Im not sure what is going on. Outside of the home he is well behaved, just every once in awhile he plays rough, or gets mad and can be mean. Hopefully the chart will help them all, no child is perfect and I don't make excuses for my own.

[Provider_Manda]

How often is it happening? When you say he's being punished what does that mean, what is his response and does it work ( even for awhile)? Do you have a plan in place to prevent him from hitting others in the future?

This can be tough stuff to hear and deal with but that you acknowkedge there is a problem may mean the parents concerns are legitimate you know? At 3 1/2 barring any delays there's no reason he should be lashing out like that at this point.

A few times a week I'd say. I do not have a plan this is the first time it has ever been brought up besides once before which wasn't my ds at all, but that's another story..
I told dcm that she has every right to have a concern, and that I always want my dcp to come to me with those concerns. He is a boy, and boys are rough. He is not lashing out he just plays rough, or at times can get mad. I think family child care has been a little hard on him, as far as always having someone in his house and stuff. I mentioned in an early post, I talked with the kids today and we are going to be doing good behavior charts to reward our good deeds, and that will be for all of the kids.

[earlystart]

Firstly, don't get upset at the parent, because they are justified in being concerned. My son started hitting/pushing/throwing toys when he was about 20 months old and I felt so horrible. He would get time outs and get separated from the other children (I'd put him in his room to watch tv or something). Eventually I had to call my mom and dad to come play with him during the day on bad days. I had to teach him how to use his words, say sorry, give gentle touches, hug your friend when you've hurt them, and eventually as his language developed more, he became better behaved. I put myself in the parents shoes, and I felt so bad, because if it had been any other kid, I would have totally terminated them! I was just waiting for one of the parents to say their child was scared of my son. Luckily that never happened, but I did tell the parents about the incidents that happened and I would admit that it was my son who did it. I'd tell them what I did to discipline my son so they knew I took it seriously. All you can do is tell them what you are doing to try to resolve the issue, and take their concerns seriously and express empathy and how bad you feel that this is happening. Give that child a little extra attention for a couple days, and then explain to the children that they don't have to be afraid of anyone, if someone is hurting them you will help them. You will have to stick up for your kid, because yes the other kids will start blaming him for everything little thing, and you just have to tell them it isn't nice to say someone is hurting you when they aren't.

[Provider_Manda]

Firstly, don't get upset at the parent, because they are justified in being concerned. My son started hitting/pushing/throwing toys when he was about 20 months old and I felt so horrible. He would get time outs and get separated from the other children (I'd put him in his room to watch tv or something). Eventually I had to call my mom and dad to come play with him during the day on bad days. I had to teach him how to use his words, say sorry, give gentle touches, hug your friend when you've hurt them, and eventually as his language developed more, he became better behaved. I put myself in the parents shoes, and I felt so bad, because if it had been any other kid, I would have totally terminated them! I was just waiting for one of the parents to say their child was scared of my son. Luckily that never happened, but I did tell the parents about the incidents that happened and I would admit that it was my son who did it. I'd tell them what I did to discipline my son so they knew I took it seriously. All you can do is tell them what you are doing to try to resolve the issue, and take their concerns seriously and express empathy and how bad you feel that this is happening. Give that child a little extra attention for a couple days, and then explain to the children that they don't have to be afraid of anyone, if someone is hurting them you will help them. You will have to stick up for your kid, because yes the other kids will start blaming him for everything little thing, and you just have to tell them it isn't nice to say someone is hurting you when they aren't.

I am not upset at her for the concern. But what I don't understand is when I asked the dcg, she says she is not scared. And she plays with him all day long, follows him around like there is no issue. He doesn't do it all the time, but when it happens I do feel awful. I don't want any child to get hurt, especially if it is my son doing the hurting. I am hoping the chart will help, I have explained to my ds that we love our friends and that we don't want to hurt them. And I have told that to all my dck's as well.

[grateday]

to

You are well meaning and trying to get it under control, I am struggling with my own son right now who never had this aggression but recently started to, I thought about blaming but I don't even know where to begin. It is a long process and a long road but you can do it. Just keep trying with the positive behavioural guidance techniques.



Also CNN just ran a story on spanking kiddos....It is controversial topic but worth the review for information not to cause a debate.


Here are a couple of places to look, I will provide the links so you don't have to look on the site:

http://www.challengingbehavior.org/

http://www.healthychildren.org/english/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/default.aspx

[daycare]

I had this happen before...

I told the parent first off, I want you to know, as a mother myself, I too would be concerned if another child was hurting my child in every way and I want to thank you for talking with me about this.

I know that my son has hit your child a few times, but I assure you that it has been very infrequent and that I am doing everything that I can to stop this from happening again in the future. I have my son under my direct supervision at all times and am keeping him close to me. Daily, I am helping all of the children to use their words and not their hands. While I don't catch every single little thing that occurs here, I want you to know that I always know when someone gets hurt, whether it's incidental or accidental and will do my very best to offer every child a safe environment.

I am very sorry that I did not talk to you about this sooner, hitting is a stage that some children go through and because it was happening so infrequently, I did not really see the need to bring it up. Please rest assured that susie will be kept in a safe environment

DCP..


I also wanted to add, that when the dck and parent arrived the next morning, that I got down on my knees and point blank asked the child, when did joey hit you. The kid said I don't know this one time......

The parent backed off. and I was able to get my own child to stop by being proactive about it...

[grateday]

I had this happen before...

I told the parent first off, I want you to know, as a mother myself, I too would be concerned if another child was hurting my child in any way and I want to thank you for talking with me about this.

I know that my son has hit your child a few times, but I assure you that it has been very infrequent and that I am doing everything that I can to stop this from happening again in the future. I have my son under my direct supervision at all times and am keeping him close to me. Daily, I am helping all of the children to use their words and not their hands. While I don't catch every single little thing that occurs here, I want you to know that I always know when someone gets hurt, whether it's incidental or accidental and will do my very best to offer every child a safe environment.

I am very sorry that I did not talk to you about this sooner, hitting is a stage that some children go through and because it was happening so infrequently, I did not really see the need to bring it up. Please rest assured that susie will be kept in a safe environment

DCP..

I think that is a very professional notice with attention to detail as to how you are going to address the issue.

[Provider_Manda]

"I will talk with DH, and we will sit down with him. I don't want her to be scared, and like I said she has never let me know that she is scared..Im sorry, in no way do I want that." This was one of the message's I sent her. I want to clarify that I was not looking down on the parent for bringing it up. I just was looking for advice as to how to help him stop.

[KidGrind]

There would be a problem for me as a parent if the provider's child was hitting my kid weekly.

My advice is to keep helping your son learn it's not acceptable to hit others.