How to Gently Put It

[mrsnj]

If you remember, I had a 'princess' over the summer who was having issues with all my SA kids. They were 'being mean to her'. They 'left her out". They 'made her do things she didn't want to do'. They "wouldn't do what she wanted them to do". He 'was too rough". She "was not nice". Etc etc etc. When I told the others to stop asking her to do things, she complained about being left out. Could not win. Every morning was a stressful moment to see if Dad would come in with another complaint about how horrible my daughter and the other kids were to her. No other SA child was left out of the complaints. Forward....

So now the girls are all in school doing before/after. My daughter is at a different school and is an hour after DCG so they don't have too much one on one time together. DCG only has time with the other SA kids on her bus that come here. At best, an hour after school. It has been fairly quiet.

Yesterday my daughter and one other SA friend was here (last child left) and they were planning a playdate for tomorrow at my daughters gymnastics center. They are having an open house/play day. The 'princess' also attends the gym but on another night. So they were talking about if she would attend and said they hoped not. I asked why. My daughter says "Well, I know A doesn't like me" and the other SA child agrees she doesn't like her too. This made me sad. I don't want the kids to feel this way but I do not know how to fix it. I have tried but it always seems wrong and the SA girl just continues to find fault with everything I and the kids do.

I had been thinking this might be the last summer here for the girl. I think their feelings rather confirm it. I cannot control the situation to the liking of the father/child. I will not make the others conform to her wants and needs. And I think it is heart breaking for my daughter and another child to sit at my table and say they know she doesn't like them.

This child is a neighbor. The girls will be together on and off. See each other in school. Ride the bus together. Go to functions together as they get older. See each other in the neighborhood which is small. The two girls are the only two the same age back here. How do I word it so that it is nicely put for next year?

The other SA'er will be here next summer. She has a sibling still here and it will be their last summer here as they are moving. I will keep her. So I cannot say "I don't take past 2nd grade". Being in the neighborhood he will see I still have the other child here. I thought about saying I was only taking the other child as it was her last summer. Not sure if that would work.

I just cannot handle another summer with her. And I do not like how she is making my daughter feel. It all isn't good. That convo has been plaguing me since they had it last night. So how do I be nice about it and cut if off?

[MyAngels]

I don't think I'd be worrying about being nice, just very matter of fact. " The girls' personalities just don't seem to mesh well and I think it will be better for all involved to part ways."

[mrsnj]

Yep. Thinking that would be an 'ouch'. Truth but not nicely put. And since dad thinks his DD can do no wrong it will not be taken quiet so nicely either.

[Familycare71]

I think put it on what's best for his daughter- something like- as I'm settling from the summer and have time to reflect I don't believe my program met your daughters needs. It is important to me that every child here get what they need to be happy and healthy. So I have decided it is in your child's best interest to attend a program that will better fit her needs.

[Maria2013]

I think put it on what's best for his daughter- something like- as I'm settling from the summer and have time to reflect I don't believe my program met your daughters needs. It is important to me that every child here get what they need to be happy and healthy. So I have decided it is in your child's best interest to attend a program that will better fit her needs.

[daycarediva]

I think put it on what's best for his daughter- something like- as I'm settling from the summer and have time to reflect I don't believe my program met your daughters needs. It is important to me that every child here get what they need to be happy and healthy. So I have decided it is in your child's best interest to attend a program that will better fit her needs.

yup. If all else fails the standard 'my program doesn't meet your child's needs' never fails. If pressed, I might explain that his dd didn't seem very happy here and there was no way you can change the group dynamics and suggest a camp style program geared toward HER specific interests.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

So, you're going to continue to watch her for the school year? If your worrying about next summer now, I wouldn't. A million things could happen between now and then.
Next May, if you still have her, or when her parents bring up summer care, I would simply say that you will not be able to accommodate her for the summer. If they say anything about why I would just respond with the dynamics of the group have changed and that you think this is best for everyone.

[GabsKids]

So, you're going to continue to watch her for the school year? If your worrying about next summer now, I wouldn't. A million things could happen between now and then.
Next May, if you still have her, or when her parents bring up summer care, I would simply say that you will not be able to accommodate her for the summer. If they say anything about why I would just respond with the dynamics of the group have changed and that you think this is best for everyone.

I agree..I would wait until at least after the first of the year to tell them if you are going to continue through the rest of the school year. Some things could change by then, but I know in all liklihood, next summer if you keep her you will probably have the same problems. Being together an hour or two per day is so much different than ALL day. You could simply talk to Dad and be honest with him.
Dcd,
I wanted to speak with you about summer care for dcg. It seems as though she was not happy here last year. I don't want her to have a miserable summer, and I am thinking she may do well where either she has a)more kids to choose from to play with, such as a camp. Or b)an environment with a very small amount of kids where she can have more one on one type of play. This is definetly not her fault and she did nothing wrong, I think it is just her personality, and she would be more successful and happy in an environment with more flexibility and choices than I can offer her in this type of group setting.

[KIDZRMYBIZ]

I'm a chicken and would not want to hurt DCD's feelings that his daughter is just not liked by the other children (especially if one was my own). I would say that I'm trying to stop providing care for SA's altogether, so unless a SA has a younger sibling coming to me for care, I will no longer have a spot for them.

[Play Care]

I had a similar situation but in my case the girls parents did not tell me what was being said so I never had a chance to address any of it. The other SA kids let things slip... I finally told them I was getting in some full time younger children so I would no longer have the spot (technically not 100% true) for A.

I will say it is a thousand times better here without her drama, but the relationship between the families is never going to be the same.

[mrsnj]

I like all the suggestions...in the end they still made me cringe. *sigh* I don't think it will be easy no matter how I put it I guess.

This is her 2nd summer with me (third school year) and the 1st didn't go any better. I had hoped that being here longer it would stop but it only seemed to be worse this year. I think more so because they were older and the kids were more open to being frustrated with her than when they were younger and just let her demands go.

KMK- it isn't the SA kids don't like HER. Its that she doesn't like THEM.
I do kinda like your suggestion though. Was along the same line I was thinking on no more SA.

Truth is that I do not have the space available for the older kids. I took them this long because my own DD was here and it was nice having playmates for her. But I do not like the tudes of the older kids. They take more of my time and damage more of my things. It really is time to stop. The only reason I would take the one SA child with the sibling is because she is easy, she has been with me forever, she is friends with DD and they get along well and this will be her last summer here anyway.

I AM taking them during school. Before/after doesn't bother me so much. It is short periods. It is the summer I am referring to. 10 hour days seem like eternity with this age group who never stop! I agree....I am not planning on having this convo NOW though. I don't start planning summer spots until about April. So thinking that will be the time. Just trying to think on nicely to say it without saying "I have had about enough". LOL!

So I think I will simply say I will no longer be accepting school age children this age and that XYZ will be the only child left to attend for the summer because she is moving and it will be her and her sisters last summer here (I have to point this out because this child also lives in the neighborhood and the girls all know each other. DCD will find out even if I do not tell him). I will expect no matter what I say, I don't think she will be coming back for before/after care next year. I don't think that whatever I say will sit well. But I am trying to end it as nicely as I possibly can. It will be sad for DD to lose the playmates but I will be happy to lose the drama

[mrsnj]

Playcare- actually I plan to do exactly that. Fill my spots so I have no open SA spots. So hopefully that wouldn't be a lie. !

[spinnymarie]

I think what you have planned sounds as nice as it will get. It's unfortunate that you are neighbors and that your DD will have to continue to see her... but if she's like this now, it's unlikely to change, and at least now you won't have to have this conversation ever again - like when she needs rides to school in high school ... or whatever

[Play Care]

Playcare- actually I plan to do exactly that. Fill my spots so I have no open SA spots. So hopefully that wouldn't be a lie. !

I'll be honest, it's been a couple of years and I still get very, very angry over it. I know I need to deal, but I feel that her word was law and I never got a chance to address any of it. She continues to be a very naughty, sneaky and disrespectful child and I cringe when she's around. We have actively discouraged our own kids from having much to do with her because of her behavior but as we are right next door, that can be tough.

[KIDZRMYBIZ]

I had a DCG that lives in the neighborhood that I watched from 2yo-4th grade. She has always had social problems at school (her family life is a whole other thread!), but she thrived here and I liked providing her with some normalcy. Now this is tough to admit, but before her 5th grade year, I felt like I had to cut ties. I did not want her to have association with my own children (they went to different schools through 5th but would be in the same middle school), and I hoped by then the friendship would wane because I didn't want her "dragging them down with her." Her problems are quite extreme. I know that still could happen-kids will choose their own friends-but it isn't going to be because I encouraged it or made it easy to happen naturally. It's 7th grade now, and it seems to have worked. After making several lame excuses of not being able to watch her for about a year, I just said no more SA's at all, and that took care of it.