Playing Together

[SilverSabre25]

In my small group, I have, among others, a 4.5 year old boy and a 2.25 year old boy.

The 2 year old wants very much to play with the 4 year old. He spends a lot of the day trying to interact and play with the 4 year old. The 4 year old, despite having a 1.5 year old brother, wants NOTHING to do with the 2 year old. The 4 year old is dismissive, ignores the 2, disregards EVERYTHING I say to him about the 2 trying to play, about how to interact with the 2, about how to play with the 2, about how to be nice to the 2.

The 2, as you can imagine, gets very angry and frustrated about his attempts at communication going unnoticed, or worse, about the 4 using his attempts to play as not-very-well-veiled excuses to take toys from the 2. So the 2 acts out, and ends up spending his time bothering the 4, getting in his way, taking HIS toys, knocking down his block towers, etc. This makes the 4 angrier, and more likely to ignore and be mean to the 2...and it's a vicious, nasty cycle.

I've been struggling with this for many months, probably since last November when the 4 started here. it's getting worse as the 2 gets older and more communicative. AND, just for fun, the 4's brother, 1.5, is getting in on the action of annoying and interfereing with his brother! The 4 isn't any more willing to play with HIM either, usually.

Please, please help me help them learn to play together. Please, help me help the 4 learn to give way to the smaller kids sometimes. Please, PLEASE help....

(Note: Many things I have tried over the past ten months, and tried multiple times, so some suggestions may be met with "tried, failed")

[blandino]

In my small group, I have, among others, a 4.5 year old boy and a 2.25 year old boy.

The 2 year old wants very much to play with the 4 year old. He spends a lot of the day trying to interact and play with the 4 year old. The 4 year old, despite having a 1.5 year old brother, wants NOTHING to do with the 2 year old. The 4 year old is dismissive, ignores the 2, disregards EVERYTHING I say to him about the 2 trying to play, about how to interact with the 2, about how to play with the 2, about how to be nice to the 2.

The 2, as you can imagine, gets very angry and frustrated about his attempts at communication going unnoticed, or worse, about the 4 using his attempts to play as not-very-well-veiled excuses to take toys from the 2. So the 2 acts out, and ends up spending his time bothering the 4, getting in his way, taking HIS toys, knocking down his block towers, etc. This makes the 4 angrier, and more likely to ignore and be mean to the 2...and it's a vicious, nasty cycle.

I've been struggling with this for many months, probably since last November when the 4 started here. it's getting worse as the 2 gets older and more communicative. AND, just for fun, the 4's brother, 1.5, is getting in on the action of annoying and interfereing with his brother! The 4 isn't any more willing to play with HIM either, usually.

Please, please help me help them learn to play together. Please, help me help the 4 learn to give way to the smaller kids sometimes. Please, PLEASE help....

(Note: Many things I have tried over the past ten months, and tried multiple times, so some suggestions may be met with "tried, failed")

I ask the bigger kids to help teach the littles. Or to be in charge of the game/activity and show the little how to do it. Usually the bigger child lives beig in charge and the little one doesn't care that they are being bossed.

[momofsix]

How about giving the 4yo some special "big kid time" where he gets to play alone with his toys-maybe blocked by a gate or something and then tell him it's "play together time" and let him know it's time to play with the littles and share the toys. I'd be right there on the floor with them showing him HOW to play with the littles nicely. Playing nicely with the younger ones could result in some more "big kid time" where he gets to play alone.

[Play Care]

How about giving the 4yo some special "big kid time" where he gets to play alone with his toys-maybe blocked by a gate or something and then tell him it's "play together time" and let him know it's time to play with the littles and share the toys. I'd be right there on the floor with them showing him HOW to play with the littles nicely. Playing nicely with the younger ones could result in some more "big kid time" where he gets to play alone.

Great idea!
Last year when I had a young group, I found I had to actually be in the mix and showing them HOW to play with each other. Giving them the words, praising, helping them make good choices, etc. It was exhausting:: But it did help.
Can you encourage the 2 yo to play with the 1.5 yo? Maybe get down and do something special with the two littles?

Also - I wouldn't allow the 4yo to be rude/mean to the littles. That kind of behavior would get "table time" with activities of *MY* choosing. "Because you made a choice to not play nicely with the other kids, this is where you can play and what you can play with." I do this when I have olders being sneaky and taking toys from littles or when they decide to hoard "their" toys

[SilverSabre25]

I ask the bigger kids to help teach the littles. Or to be in charge of the game/activity and show the little how to do it. Usually the bigger child lives beig in charge and the little one doesn't care that they are being bossed.

This is what I try most frequently and it has limited success. The 4 just kind of stares at me, and goes on trying to make the 2 go away. "4, why don't you show 2 how to build a tower and let him knock it over?" is met with "GO AWAY AND STOP KNOCKING DOWN MY BUILDING!" or at best, "No, I don't want to."

[SilverSabre25]

How about giving the 4yo some special "big kid time" where he gets to play alone with his toys-maybe blocked by a gate or something and then tell him it's "play together time" and let him know it's time to play with the littles and share the toys. I'd be right there on the floor with them showing him HOW to play with the littles nicely. Playing nicely with the younger ones could result in some more "big kid time" where he gets to play alone.

that's a good idea...tricky to implement though because 2 can defeat most gates :P but i'll think on it.

[SilverSabre25]

Great idea!
Last year when I had a young group, I found I had to actually be in the mix and showing them HOW to play with each other. Giving them the words, praising, helping them make good choices, etc. It was exhausting:: But it did help.
Can you encourage the 2 yo to play with the 1.5 yo? Maybe get down and do something special with the two littles?

Also - I wouldn't allow the 4yo to be rude/mean to the littles. That kind of behavior would get "table time" with activities of *MY* choosing. "Because you made a choice to not play nicely with the other kids, this is where you can play and what you can play with." I do this when I have olders being sneaky and taking toys from littles or when they decide to hoard "their" toys

I don't ALLOW the being mean, it's just what happens. It then gets stopped instantly and the 4 gets scolded/corrected/whatever you want to call it. I scold and correct the 2 for a lot of the behaviors, too.

I default to being on the floor with everyone as much as possible but as you said, it's exhausting. And I'd like to be able to focus on other tasks or people wihtout having so much chaos going on behind me. And I really think the 4 ought to be old enough to have learned how to get along with the younger kids.

[MamaBearCanada]

I guess I look at things a little differently. I would not allow the 4 year old to be mean but I wouldn't require or ask him to play with the 2.5 if he didn't want to. It is not his job, just as it is not yours, to entertain the littles. Neither is it his job to teach them how to play. Perhaps he feels like he can't choose to play with them and that is what is making him even more reluctant. As the eldest in a family I didn't mind playing with my younger siblings but I didn't like it when I felt I was obligated to. Perhaps because he has a younger brother he wants some time to play by himself especially if he is asked to play (entertain) his brother at home a lot. Also, that age gap is considerable if he is a child that likes a lot of dialogue/imagination/role play in his play. Could you try backing off and seeing if he will initiate play?

Not trying to be harsh just present a different side.

[Leigh]

I went through this last week with a 4 mistreating his nearly 2 brother. He didn't want the little kids around him. I fixed it my telling me that if he doesn't want to be around the other kids, he can just be with grown ups and made him spend the next 2 hours with me. He happily plays with the littles now.

[Play Care]

I don't ALLOW the being mean, it's just what happens. It then gets stopped instantly and the 4 gets scolded/corrected/whatever you want to call it. I scold and correct the 2 for a lot of the behaviors, too.

I default to being on the floor with everyone as much as possible but as you said, it's exhausting. And I'd like to be able to focus on other tasks or people wihtout having so much chaos going on behind me. And I really think the 4 ought to be old enough to have learned how to get along with the younger kids.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply you allowed it! Honestly I found last year in order for me to do other things, I had to have a plan for the kids. The bigger kids might be able to stay put, but the littles had a place they had to be. Not my favorite year by far

[preschoolteacher]

I think that if the 4 year old doesn't want to play with the younger kid, he shouldn't have to. He shouldn't be mean to the 2, but if he's declining to play in an acceptable way, that is a good thing. I would focus on helping the 2 year old play with the 1.5 year old. They are closer in age. They might need a lot of help learning how to play, but the following things could help them as well as help the 4 year old too... but I still think he should be allowed to say no, he doesn't want to play with the 2 year old.

I have a 2 year old in my care who has a hard time playing with others, but it's an anxiety issue about the other children rather than a lack of interest in playing. I recently bought this book---

Join in and play:

http://www.amazon.com/Join-Play-Learning-Get-Along/dp/1575421526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378741491&sr=8-1&keywords=join+in+and+play

I also decided that for the next two weeks, we are going to FOCUS HARD on learning how to play and be around other children. Here are some of the activities I came up with:

• Cooperative play: Find it game! Hide a toy and have kids work together to find it
• Contact paper collage—taking turns putting on tissue paper
• Partner painting. Put a piece of paper in a plastic bin and add a little paint and a small ball. Each child holds a side of a bin and rolls the ball to paint.
• What shape did it land on? Make shapes with tape on floor, take turns rolling ball onto shape.
• Add little people figurines into the sensory table and act out/role play positive social interactions. Figurine 1: "Can I play with you?" Figurine 2: "No, not right now." Figurine 1: "Okay. I will walk away and find somewhere else to play." And so on... you can also demonstrate how to say yes, I do want to play.
• Take pictures of the kids playing together nicely. Make it into a book. Read it to them. Be specific on what was right: "Joe came over to the block tower that Bobby was building. Bobby let him add a block to the top."

I'm going to be at the kids' side during all of these activities. The 2 year old really needs an adult to help mediate social situations right now, but I think every time he has a positive social interaction, it helps. I plan to take pictures and make a book of how he plays with his friends at school. A copy is going home to the parents to read at home and another copy is staying here.

Good luck!

[MissAnn]

I guess I look at things a little differently. I would not allow the 4 year old to be mean but I wouldn't require or ask him to play with the 2.5 if he didn't want to. It is not his job, just as it is not yours, to entertain the littles. Neither is it his job to teach them how to play. Perhaps he feels like he can't choose to play with them and that is what is making him even more reluctant. As the eldest in a family I didn't mind playing with my younger siblings but I didn't like it when I felt I was obligated to. Perhaps because he has a younger brother he wants some time to play by himself especially if he is asked to play (entertain) his brother at home a lot. Also, that age gap is considerable if he is a child that likes a lot of dialogue/imagination/role play in his play. Could you try backing off and seeing if he will initiate play?

Not trying to be harsh just present a different side.

Exactly! Mine don't have to play together but I expect them to be kind in how they turn them down. Great life skill! Later in school they will have the skills to turn down a bully or someone they don't feel safe with.

[spinnymarie]

I agree with Play Care.

DD#2 is 18 months and is ALWAYS desperate to play with the 'big' kids. I tell them that they either have to find a way to let her play with some of the toys, find her another toy that she wants to play with near you, or go and play something else. One of these three things usually solves the problem - the big kids get some control over the play, which they need when a 'little' is trying to join, and the 'little' feels like she is being included.

If none of these things works (the big doesn't want to change toys or give any to share - this is often my DS, 3 yo) then we have to clean up that toy for the day and everyone has to find something else to do instead. After a few times of cleaning up something DS was really into, he now usually finds a way to give DD2 some of the pieces he isn't using, or finds something else he can play with for a while until she loses interest.

I agree, too, that it is no fun to be either kid in that situation And that they probably are told to play together most of the time at home as well.

[WImom]

I wonder if at home he is forced to always play with his younger brother or watch him alot and at your house he feels he can have the choice to not "deal" with the little kids. I have a rule here that you don't have to play with anyone you don't want to but you must be nice about it. Usually a "No thank you" works here.

I have a new 2y old and my kids that are still with me (4 went off to K5) are older and not used to having a 2y old here. It's taking some adjustment for me and the kids since it's been about 1.5-2years since I've had a child this age. I getting alot of the same as you are where they don't want to include him.