Crazy Parent

[adevonw]

Hi All,

I have been working in daycare for 16yrs and have come across a 'first' from a new parent.

She seemed nice enough when she toured and was very excited about starting. She is young, going thru a divorce and has two children. The youngest at 9months is in our care. Her first request was a bit quirky but not unheard of, she asked if we would make sure the other kids didn't touch her baby's face. Okay, whatever. Then she asked if we could use hand sanitizer on the baby. I explained to her that we are not allowed to use hand sanitizer (kids or adults) and we have to wash hands. Then my infant room teacher picked him up one day during drop off and gave him a hug and she said she didn't want ANYBODY touching his face, head, etc. Now, we don't kiss the babies on the mouth or anything like that but we hug and squeeze them and play pat a cake and touch their nose, etc. She then proceeded to get out hand sanitizer and wipe the babies face down! But that's not the craziest part...

We had been having parents come in saying that this parent was sitting in the car when they pull up and then they get out after they have come and rung the doorbell (we are a center but have a buzzer and we have to come to the door to let parents in) or that she waits until they are leaving and then comes in as they are going out so she doesn't have to ring the bell. I was hoping that this was just a coincidence but Friday I happened to step outside to go for a walk with a fussy baby and saw her sitting in the car. She didn't see me and I waited and watched. She sat in the car for 40 MINUTES and when the school age kids got off the bus and came in she jumped out of the car and ran in after them. All of this, I assume, to try and surprise us and catch us off guard?!

I am soooo over her. I do not need this hassle or drama. I was hoping that after 3wks she would realize that we are a good and safe place or that she would leave. I am ready to fire her and tell her that she obviously doesn't trust us and that she should find another place she feels safe or stay home. But I wanted to get your opinions. Has anyone every had this experience? What are your suggestions? :confused:

[Starburst]

It sounds like she has OCD (the germ phobia type). Howie Mandel has that type of OCD, once in an interview he said one of his biggest fears is someone breaking into his house and touching all his stuff (not taking it, just touching it). That's also why when he was the host of 'Deal or No Deal' he avoided hugging, high 5ing, and shaking hands with contestants; he only did fist pumps and even then looked uneasy.

Chances are if she continues to project her fears onto her child, they will also develop OCD tendencies. I understand the not letting kids touch the baby's face; I get nervous when older kids get too close to babies too due to germs, as well as the fact that they aren't that gentle/careful as they try to be. But children do need some different germ exposure to help build their immune systems. Babies do need hugs to help with emotional development and using the sense of touch is important for infant cognitive development.

Also, IMHO I would probably report her for the sanitizer because those are not made for infants! It can cause irritated skin (rash/burns), and overtime even health issues (weak immune systems, eczema/dry skin, Asthma/allergies, possibly even skin cancer from all the alcohol exposure on the skin).

http://www.birthologie.com/parenting/hand-sanitizers-adn-antibacterial-wipes-the-dirty-truth/

[cheerfuldom]

What is the problem with her sitting in the parking lot? If you have nothing to hide, who cares? I would rather bring her in and have a non-accusatory, non-confrontational discussion about your concerns and about her actions causing damage to the business relationship. Why not give her a chance and handle this in a more mature way versus just terming with no conversation? If she is truly having some struggles like OCD, banning her from the place is not helpful, and this is coming from someone that has struggled with OCD herself. If there are trust issues going on, what can the two of you together work on so that she feels confident her child is in a safe place. Why not start a dialog with her?

[adevonw]

What is the problem with her sitting in the parking lot? If you have nothing to hide, who cares? I would rather bring her in and have a non-accusatory, non-confrontational discussion about your concerns and about her actions causing damage to the business relationship. Why not give her a chance and handle this in a more mature way versus just terming with no conversation? If she is truly having some struggles like OCD, banning her from the place is not helpful, and this is coming from someone that has struggled with OCD herself. If there are trust issues going on, what can the two of you together work on so that she feels confident her child is in a safe place. Why not start a dialog with her?

We have no problem with her sitting in the parking lot. The issue is her coming in following the school age kids that get off the bus (the children have expressed concern about that lady who keeps jumping out of the car and following them in when they get off the bus) and parents have expressed concern with her doing the same thing. I am not opposed to talking with her. I'm just wanting some ideas bc I've got to look out for my business as a whole and she is making other parents/kids nervous with her behavior. I have repeatedly asked her if everything is okay, is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable and she says that everything is fine-when clearly it is not. Her son is not in a room with big kids. He's with other infants/toddlers (no older than 18months) and she doesn't want them anywhere near him, which is impossible without isolating him from his friends. I want to do what's best for everyone...

Thanks so much for any opinions or advice!

[Unregistered]

Could she be so OCD that she is trying to avoid touching the buzzer that countless others have touched throughout the day? Perhaps she is not trying to catch you off guard, but rather is freaked out at the idea of touching the germ laden buzzer before handling her baby.

I couldn't imagine living like.

[racemom]

Could she be so OCD that she is trying to avoid touching the buzzer that countless others have touched throughout the day? Perhaps she is not trying to catch you off guard, but rather is freaked out at the idea of touching the germ laden buzzer before handling her baby.

I couldn't imagine living like.

This was my first thought too. Doesn't want to touch buzzer or door that is being touched by others. We once had a parent ask about cleaning procedures of our daycare, and after telling her everything that is cleaned wiped daily she commented that we didn't wipe the pen parents use to sign in/out with. This was something none of us had ever thought to do!

[jenn]

Could she be so OCD that she is trying to avoid touching the buzzer that countless others have touched throughout the day? Perhaps she is not trying to catch you off guard, but rather is freaked out at the idea of touching the germ laden buzzer before handling her baby.

I couldn't imagine living like.

This is what I was thinking. If she is afraid of germs, she is probably not wanting to touch the buzzer or door handle, so she waits for someone else to enter and just comes in at the same time to avoid touching anything. It may have nothing to do with spying or trying to sneak in, just an aversion to touching possibly germy things.

[MyAngels]

It just sounds like it's time for a nice, frank chat about what's behind her different behaviors. Whether it's OCD, germs, lack of trust or whatever, you'll never know until you ask.

It sounds like she'd be better of with one-on-one care (i.e., a nanny) no matter what the issues are.

[adevonw]

This is what I was thinking. If she is afraid of germs, she is probably not wanting to touch the buzzer or door handle, so she waits for someone else to enter and just comes in at the same time to avoid touching anything. It may have nothing to do with spying or trying to sneak in, just an aversion to touching possibly germy things.

I never thought of this, thanks so much! So, do you have any suggestions as to how I broach the subject with her? Maybe just say we've had parents express concerns about her waiting in the parking lot and coming in after her and is there anything we can do to address this issue?
If there is some OCD going on I want to be sensitive in how I address it.
Thanks again!

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

I think that I would be frank with her and ask if she would like she could give you a call as she is approaching and you could open the door for her.
I wonder how she ever grocery shops!!

[cheerfuldom]

I would be more specific than asking "are you okay?". bring her in for a private conservation. Be very clear about what you have seen and what you can and cannot allow. "I have notice you sit in your car in the parking lot for X minutes per day X days per week. you then come into the building in the following manner....I have to be honest that this behavior is making other parents nervous because.....for those reasons I have to ask that you drop off in the following manner.....and pick up your child in the following manner.....is this something you can abide by? Here is what we can and cannot promise as far as staff and kids coming into contact with your child.....is this something that works for you or do you need to put in your notice and find other care?"

[Lyss]

I would be more specific than asking "are you okay?". bring her in for a private conservation. Be very clear about what you have seen and what you can and cannot allow. "I have notice you sit in your car in the parking lot for X minutes per day X days per week. you then come into the building in the following manner....I have to be honest that this behavior is making other parents nervous because.....for those reasons I have to ask that you drop off in the following manner.....and pick up your child in the following manner.....is this something you can abide by? Here is what we can and cannot promise as far as staff and kids coming into contact with your child.....is this something that works for you or do you need to put in your notice and find other care?"

This is what I would do as well.

As a parent if I saw someone just lurking in their car and then come running in behind me or someone else it would look as though they are sneaking in or breaking in so to speak and I would definitely be concerned about the safety of the children (not that there is any reason to be but from an outsider perspective it could be misconstrued).

I also would not allow her to administer hand sanitizer to the infant's face in the building, especially if its the kind with alcohol, just because it's not something I'm comfortable going on under my roof.

[Lavender]

We had a parent who had germ issues regarding her infant. What she found worked best for her was to wash her hands in our room's sink after coming in and signing her daughter out before actually handling her daughter. Of course I'm sure that for some people's OCD challenges, even touching all those things prior to washing would still be hard. Good luck, I hope you are able to work together to find a solution that works for all involved.

[Shell]

I have OCD (although not as severe as this lady), and the whole time I was reading your post, it was clear to me that that is what she is dealing with. It must be really hard for her to put her child in someone else's care-not having control over when another child touches dcg's face, hands, etc- and adults, too. This was a big consideration for me when deciding to keep my kids home.

However, hugs, songs, germs and play are a part of childhood, and she can't expect you not to show her daughter affection, or douse her in hand sanitizer every time someone touches her outside of her comfort zones (hands, feet, etc.). It's something she is going to have to deal with-or she may have to choose to stay home with her own child. I agree a candid conversation about it is needed, as far as what she can expect in regards to other children playing with her child, and how her child will be shown appropriate affection from adults.

I honestly might feel a little attacked if someone specifically called me out on sitting in a parking lot, but if you have to, I understand why you would need to. I do love the idea of her calling when she is in the parking lot so someone can let her in- if you have the staff that can be on call for this kind of thing.
In the end, she might just not be able to handle this, and may need to keep her child home. All you can do is your best to let her know that you sanitize the environment as per licensing, and that staff do not kiss the babies.

Btw, I am so uncomfortable with the sign in pen, that I don't even touch it- I have my own secret stash of pens that no one else has touched.

Best of luck!

[Shell]

Also, as a side note, the stress of the divorce could send her OCD into overdrive.