Disrespect By Own Family

[Logged out]

I love being a daycare provider. I have my degree in early childhood and I love being in charge of my own program. I was so miserable working in centers. I love my DCK's and families. I have a great reputation and word of mouth in my community.

However, I struggle daily with my own family's total disrespect for my job. The do not respect the time and effort I put into keeping the house clean and up to regulations. In fact, I often feel like they directly sabotage my efforts.

They do not respect my materials and constantly break/steal/loose/destroy toys, art supplies, etc. These are teenagers I am talking about here, not little kids. They know what they are doing.

Every time something, anything, happens my job is thrown in my face. If I dare ever say, "I'm tired" or I have a bad day, a parent rubs me the wrong way, or a DCK is naughty, it is immediately thrown in my face that "maybe I shouldn't do daycare."

I am so exhausted from constantly checking the whole house and yard for messes and hazards. Even if everything is perfect when I go to bed, they will be up in the night and a whole new set of things I have to take care of will be present in the morning. I am so tired of going to get supplies/toys for an activity or project only to find them missing or destroyed.

I do not want to close my daycare. I really love being a provider. BUT I don't know if I can go on like this.

[cheerfuldom]

How old are these teenagers? If they are over 18, I would treat them like adults. lay down the house rules and ask that they respect those if they are to remain under your roof. If they are younger than 18, I would have them pay for items broken and stolen and I would do loss of privilege for disrespect to you. This is just crazy that you are having to deal with this from your own kids.

i would make sure that you sit down at a calm moment and discuss all this. Perhaps there is something here that YOU can change or adjust. Are your hours too long and you are neglecting your family? does your family have the space they need or are they crawling over daycare equipment all day? are you spending enough time away from home doing things your kids enjoy and finding ways to bond with your kids? or are you so overwhelmed with the daycare that there is no space in your life for anyone or anything else?

The kids are being rude and disrespectful. but it is important to make sure that there is conversation here about why this is happening. It might be your kids lashing out in frustration about how this home daycare is running everyones lives. that does happen to a lot of providers.

[preschoolteacher]

I think it really sounds like you need to have a family meeting with your teens and ask them why (specifically) they dislike having the daycare at your house. If they can be specific--"I hate having kids here all the time" or "You can never drive me anywhere after school" or "I can't hang out here with my friends"--then you can try to address those problems.

How is your relationship with your teens like otherwise?

It may help if you explain how your daycare is a business and how you are making money doing this. Make a chart that shows them things like the monthly mortgage, monthly cable bill, electrical bill, monthly food... and so on. Show them how much you make doing daycare. Tell them how much you would make working in a center (probably much less). They are old enough to understand this concept.

Can you separate your daycare space more from the rest of your house? Could you dedicate one room to daycare instead of having it spread out a little bit through multiple rooms?

Another thought--maybe you could enroll fewer children ON THE CONDITION that your teens get part-time jobs and contribute a set amount of money to the household expenses to cover the money you would have made enrolling those kids. I doubt any teen would jump at this! But you could always say when they complain about the daycare that they have the option of pitching in and you can enroll fewer kids...

As for the broken/missing art supplies, I would lock them up. You probably can't lock up toys, but putting a padlock on the art cabinet would solve that problem. I would explain exactly why I am doing this.

For keeping the house clean and in order... I think that has to be mostly your job. I wouldn't ask them to help you keep the house up to code, unless you are paying them for it as a daycare employee. If they are directly sabotaging your efforts, however, I'd come up with some serious consequences. Can you give examples of what they are doing?

[Heidi]

How old are these teenagers? If they are over 18, I would treat them like adults. lay down the house rules and ask that they respect those if they are to remain under your roof. If they are younger than 18, I would have them pay for items broken and stolen and I would do loss of privilege for disrespect to you. This is just crazy that you are having to deal with this from your own kids.

i would make sure that you sit down at a calm moment and discuss all this. Perhaps there is something here that YOU can change or adjust. Are your hours too long and you are neglecting your family? does your family have the space they need or are they crawling over daycare equipment all day? are you spending enough time away from home doing things your kids enjoy and finding ways to bond with your kids? or are you so overwhelmed with the daycare that there is no space in your life for anyone or anything else?

The kids are being rude and disrespectful. but it is important to make sure that there is conversation here about why this is happening. It might be your kids lashing out in frustration about how this home daycare is running everyones lives. that does happen to a lot of providers.

[Unregistered]

I hear you everybody. My youngest is 16 and he is the main one left at home (my others just turned 18 and moved out). I do work 10 hour days but I am done early (5 o'clock) and we have a separate playroom for daycare so I don't have those issues. When he was younger I spent every non-working hour with him and his siblings...even when I worked loooonng hours at a center. Now, he wants nothing to do with me. I beg him to talk to/spend time with me. I know some of this is normal teenage stuff, but it has gone pretty extreme. It is also a little complicated because he is a family member I am raising and not my biological child. We are in family counseling to work on issues, but the disrespect for me and my job has been a continuous and ongoing problem.

[preschoolteacher]

Oh, teenage boys... in 15 years, I'll be in your place! Ugh!

One thing I have heard about teen boys is that a good way to connect with them is to do things together. Not talking. Just doing. Watching a show. Driving somewhere. Playing a video game. Shoveling the driveway. Whatever! Just something that gets you doing something and doesn't have any pressure to talk, bond, or communicate. I am by no means an expert, but it makes sense to me. I would think that the talking and bonding would come more naturally after awhile. Guys are wired differently. Teen guys are wired REALLY differently!

[Angelsj]

I hear you everybody. My youngest is 16 and he is the main one left at home (my others just turned 18 and moved out). I do work 10 hour days but I am done early (5 o'clock) and we have a separate playroom for daycare so I don't have those issues. When he was younger I spent every non-working hour with him and his siblings...even when I worked loooonng hours at a center. Now, he wants nothing to do with me. I beg him to talk to/spend time with me. I know some of this is normal teenage stuff, but it has gone pretty extreme. It is also a little complicated because he is a family member I am raising and not my biological child. We are in family counseling to work on issues, but the disrespect for me and my job has been a continuous and ongoing problem.

You have to figure out his currency. What is important to him? Video games, computer, cell phone, driving...whatever it is and USE it. Steal something of mine, you can replace it with something of yours. Leave hazards out that make me work harder, you can work hard to replace your "toys".
Make it clear what you want, and don't get upset about things that are childish mistakes, but anything deliberate or that should be under his control right now, put a stop to it.
As to having anything thrown in your face, I just shrug and ask them how much of the income they would like to replace. If you have $X to give us every month to replace my income...GREAT!! I'll take it! They usually shut up pretty quick.

[itlw8]

He has found your button and is pushing it with all his might. He wants to upset you and is doing a fine job. the question is Why I think it is a good subject to talk about with the therapist.

[Blackcat31]

You have to figure out his currency. What is important to him? Video games, computer, cell phone, driving...whatever it is and USE it. Steal something of mine, you can replace it with something of yours. Leave hazards out that make me work harder, you can work hard to replace your "toys".
Make it clear what you want, and don't get upset about things that are childish mistakes, but anything deliberate or that should be under his control right now, put a stop to it.
As to having anything thrown in your face, I just shrug and ask them how much of the income they would like to replace. If you have $X to give us every month to replace my income...GREAT!! I'll take it! They usually shut up pretty quick.

Knowing another person's currency is the key to controlling their universe

[lovemylife]

Oh my goodness! I have a similar situation but its with my husband! He works nights so when he gets home he likes to stay up late. I will have the whole house cleaned and ready for the next day. But when I wake up its like a tornado went through the house! I will have dirty dishes all over the kitchen sometimes still left on the living room floor. Crunched up crackers all over the carpet, clothes on the floor. The times he is home at night and I am cleaning he will want me to stop and spend time with him. I will tell him it has to be clean for tomorrow and he just doesn't understand. He thinks that the daycare parents shouldn't care if its messy. It drives me batty! Good luck!

[MarinaVanessa]

I love being a daycare provider. I have my degree in early childhood and I love being in charge of my own program. I was so miserable working in centers. I love my DCK's and families. I have a great reputation and word of mouth in my community.

However, I struggle daily with my own family's total disrespect for my job. The do not respect the time and effort I put into keeping the house clean and up to regulations. In fact, I often feel like they directly sabotage my efforts.

They do not respect my materials and constantly break/steal/loose/destroy toys, art supplies, etc. These are teenagers I am talking about here, not little kids. They know what they are doing.

Every time something, anything, happens my job is thrown in my face. If I dare ever say, "I'm tired" or I have a bad day, a parent rubs me the wrong way, or a DCK is naughty, it is immediately thrown in my face that "maybe I shouldn't do daycare."

I am so exhausted from constantly checking the whole house and yard for messes and hazards. Even if everything is perfect when I go to bed, they will be up in the night and a whole new set of things I have to take care of will be present in the morning. I am so tired of going to get supplies/toys for an activity or project only to find them missing or destroyed.

I do not want to close my daycare. I really love being a provider. BUT I don't know if I can go on like this.

Because this is the type of parent that I am ....

I'd take the bedroom doors down
TEENS: What the heck! That's not fair!
ME: Maybe you shouldn't disrespect me and my daycare, then I wouldn't need to discipline you for it. By the way, I AM tired and since I like to do daycare more than I like to cook and clean up after you, you all will now each get one day a week where you will be in charge of cooking dinner and you will each all be in charge of doing your own laundry. Anything you use up or break of mine without permission you will buy, meaning you will have additional chores to do and you will work off your debt. I love doing daycare, I choose to do it. I did not choose to be mistreated by my own family. Think about that the next time you ask me for the car/to drive you somewhere"

[Willow]

I'd tell himm that's fine, you'll just get the boot from licensing and then HE can get a few jobs to support himself and all the bills that'll be left uncovered.

Sounds like you made him the center of your universe for far too long and now he thinks the rest of his life will just proceed on like that. Kid needs a size 12 up the rear and a major reality check. Money doesn't grow on trees and the house is not his to do with what he wants. There is NO WAY I'd put up with that bologna a second longer, you're mom, put your foot down and start passing out those ultimatums!!!

[MotherNature]

How old are these teenagers? If they are over 18, I would treat them like adults. lay down the house rules and ask that they respect those if they are to remain under your roof. If they are younger than 18, I would have them pay for items broken and stolen and I would do loss of privilege for disrespect to you. This is just crazy that you are having to deal with this from your own kids.

i would make sure that you sit down at a calm moment and discuss all this. Perhaps there is something here that YOU can change or adjust. Are your hours too long and you are neglecting your family? does your family have the space they need or are they crawling over daycare equipment all day? are you spending enough time away from home doing things your kids enjoy and finding ways to bond with your kids? or are you so overwhelmed with the daycare that there is no space in your life for anyone or anything else?

The kids are being rude and disrespectful. but it is important to make sure that there is conversation here about why this is happening. It might be your kids lashing out in frustration about how this home daycare is running everyones lives. that does happen to a lot of providers.

Great advice! I couldn't have said it better.

[DaisyMamma]

I don't have any advice. I just want to sympathize. My husband and my young children wore me down so badly that I'm now a part time provider.

I loved my job a year ago. Loved it!

All through last winter my husband was home on medical. We have one bathroom off the playroom. He would come through the playroom, leaving the gate open behind him, and leave the bathroom door open when he finished. He would let the dogs in the playroom, leave his nasty work shoes out in the playroom, and so on and so on. When he was working he would come home and open up gates and not close them, etc.
My older daughter would tell me she hated the daycare and cry that she had no time with me.
My younger daughter was so mean to the kids thay i actually lost a kid due to her behavior.

It wore me out to the point where I felt i couldn't do it anymore either. To be honest I could care less about my hubands disrespect eventhough it made me very angry. What got to me was my own children.

Now I'm getting the oppposite response. So how can we pay bills if you're kicking out the fulltime dc families. Or maybe you should stay open later so we arent so poor (I changed my hours to match my husbands work day). And my children are "bored". My little is always asking for the Dck to come and my older one wants to have friends over.