4 Yr Old Crying At Drop Offs

[Familycare71]

I would be inclined to go this direction if the behavior seemed anxiety induced rather than power struggle related.

If its power struggle related how is mom to respond next year when he pitches fits going to Ksimply because he doesn't want to go? He'll certainly expect the same give up response, which will likely drive him to escalate further and at a much faster pace.



In the words of Dr. Phil.....I'd make him understand that his life as he knew it was ending if he made the choices he's been making thus far. I wouldn't get mad, or mean, I'd simply turn around with him in the school and take him home where I'd subsequently remove every single thing that brings him joy. If all he had left in his room was a mattress and blanket and all he had to eat at night was liver and onions *I would make my point SOLID* You do NOT act like that out in public or your life will take a definite turn for the worst.

Encourage him to talk about it. Let him know there are other ways,to express how he feels. Let him know that you love him, and that you care. But that that bologna will affect his life negatively in the following ways if he pulls it again.


In the case of a power struggle I would require compliance before I made the decision to pull him out of the program completely. It's not about the program at this point, it's about a serious life lesson that needs to be learned.

I'm with you on this one willow. OP- I agree with a PP about talking him through what is going to happen and supporting it- but... I also feel like if its a power struggle and you don't take him that is a big battle lost. If it is anxiety and you don't take him your confirming fears. Unfortunately either way he needs to at least settle (not even thrive) before you change anything IMO. I have a child with anxiety and I have anxiety - I worry Kind will be much worse if you concede now.
Take time to talk him through each step before hand, tell him what is ok (feeling scared, etc...) and what's not(screaming, not walking to class, etc...) be very consistent.
Ik it is so hard as a parent but I really think your on the right track!:hug:

[mnemom]

Is there any way he could ride the bus? Ds still cannot handle me dropping him off at school, but gets on the bus like a champ. The difference is amazing.

[angiescott]

My son is 3 and has sensory issues. He hates going into places where he doesn't know anyone and has a meltdown if I try to leave him. He did the same thing when I dropped him off at preschool. He was fine and then about a week into it started screaming at the top of his lungs but was actually violent towards the teachers. I ended up taking him back to the car and he immediately calmed down. I talked to his OT and pediatrician and they said he may NEVER be able to go to a regular school and may have to be home schooled because of this anxiety. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that. Has he ever been diagnosed with sensory or anxiety issues?

[preschoolteacher]

After reading more about your son, I'd have to say that I suspect he might not be ready for preschool yet either. It might be better to take a break from it... try again in several months, or wait until kindergarten.

Could you try to help him with socialization by arranging for times for him to be around other groups while you are there? He seems to really need your presence still. That is fine. I don't think there is anything "wrong" with him needing your support, and I also don't see any reason to force him to go.

[Unregistered]

My son has never been diagnosed with sensory issues. He has food allergies, and asthma. He was receiving speech last year because he was delayed in speech. The pediatrician said it was from fluid in his ears that went unnoticed. My dd (6) has autism (PDD NOS) and some sensory issues, she was diagnosed at 3. So this is why I have wondered if something may be wrong. As far as the bus we are within walking limits so he cannot ride the bus. This week is a short week for the kiddos, so we will give it a shot next week and if I don't see any improvement, then I'm really considering pulling him. Once I am licensed, he can socialize at home with other kids. We go to the library story hour and the park several times a week, and he's fine as long as he can see me. I don't want to cause emotional issues. I'm hopeful that he will adjust just fine for kindy. I would like to say that you all are wonderful. Thank you all for your support. This is indeed a wonderful forum!!!

[Willow]

Just a thought, but do you have any sort of ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) programs in your area?

My biggest fear is that if you pull him and try to socialize him yourself, that it's really not going to net you the confidence boost you're after. ECFE is like pre-k in that a lot of the activities are the same, but parents actually attend with the child. They do things together with parent and child, then things with child and teachers with parents in the room, and eventually move up to that independence in the classroom with parents not being there at all.

I really do think you are the catalyst here. I'm not at all saying you in the picture is bad at all (I stayed home with my own and never did pre-k for my kids at all), but they also had opportunities to build confidence and skills away from me with visits to other friends and family members as well as outside activities that I did not lead. My daughter started dance and tumbling classes at 2. Son did tumbling at 2 and then started hockey at 3. Those opportunities to learn they can be safe AND have fun away from mom.

Sometimes life circumstances are what they are and you don't have a lot of options Moving forwards though, especially if you end up pulling him, consider checking into some form of ECFE and other extra curricular type activities. I do really think both could help regardless of if this is a power struggle issue or an anxiety one. Right now it sounds as if he does not feel safe anywhere without you and at 4 that is not typical or healthy. There really is all kinds of things you could do at this point depending on heats available in your area, the key is really going to be teaching him that he does not need you every second of every day though kwim?

[countrymom]

I know everyone is saying that you NOT bring your child to school. But I'm going to say, that by NOt bringing your child then he's won. He's won because he wants to stay home with YOU. Its common sense.

and its obvious that he's having a great time at school, so school isn't the issue.

when my ds was 4 he went to school (school starts at 4 here in canada) well he was fine the first month. The second month, well......
no one ever said anything to me, till I got a note home saying that he was acting naughty. Which was so out of character for him. He was apparently out of control that he kicked the principal. Yup you read it right, he went and kicked him when they tried to calm him down.

so I went one day and spied on him. I wanted to see what he was doing. You know what he was doing, at quiet time, he didn't want tv. He wanted to play quietly but they wanted him to watch tv (my kids were never into tv when they were little, now they love it) so he was having a melt down. I was so mad at what I saw, I grabbed his hand and dragged him home. I was mortified and embarressed.

as I'm dragging him out, he's hollering that he will behave over and over again, he knew he was in trouble. When we got home, he got such a good spanking that I never had a problem again. I will not tolerate nonsense for no reason at all. This was a kid who was always so good, well behaved, a pleasure kid. He all of a sudden became naughty. I fixed him that day.

I know spanking isn't the answer always but I wasn't going to let my ds act like this at school. He wasn't going to go around kicking people because he didn't feel like listening to the teacher.

I also found that his actions needed to have consequences and harsh ones too. Taking things away didn't bother him because he was 4 and would find something else to play with.

I also found that I would tell my kids what kind of behavior I expect from them. And also, the minute he would start screaming, I would find a bench outside and make him have a time or better yet have him stand in the corner. He needs to understand that you can't scream like this.

[Jack Sprat]

I agree he may not be ready socially. We didn't send our 4.5 yr old to preschool because we felt there was no need. She was attending daycare and getting social interaction there. We feel, like others, that children start school way to young. She now goes to Kinder-prep and is so exhausted at the end of her 3 hours there she is going to bed at 7:15 sometimes earlier.

I say pull him. I don't think you are giving in. I think you are doing what is best for your child. Especially if its not needed or required. Maybe he could go one or two days a week. That might help in the transition.

Good luck and just remember you know your child better then anyone! :hug:

[angiescott]

If you have concerns about his, well you know, early intervention is the best. My son was horrible about stuff like that until we started his OT and has become a different child. He has calmed down and I can actually leave his sight now without him becoming hysterical. For him, it was simply anxiety and a large group of people that he didn't know. He would eventually calm down but it took a while and frankly, preschool isn't worth traumatizing a small child. It doesn't seem like he's doing it for attention or trying to play you. If you have one with autism, then you know the signs for that and sensory issues. It could just be anxiety and he can't handle it without being taught coping mechanisms.

[Familycare71]

Just a thought, but do you have any sort of ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) programs in your area?

My biggest fear is that if you pull him and try to socialize him yourself, that it's really not going to net you the confidence boost you're after. ECFE is like pre-k in that a lot of the activities are the same, but parents actually attend with the child. They do things together with parent and child, then things with child and teachers with parents in the room, and eventually move up to that independence in the classroom with parents not being there at all.

I really do think you are the catalyst here. I'm not at all saying you in the picture is bad at all (I stayed home with my own and never did pre-k for my kids at all), but they also had opportunities to build confidence and skills away from me with visits to other friends and family members as well as outside activities that I did not lead. My daughter started dance and tumbling classes at 2. Son did tumbling at 2 and then started hockey at 3. Those opportunities to learn they can be safe AND have fun away from mom.

Sometimes life circumstances are what they are and you don't have a lot of options Moving forwards though, especially if you end up pulling him, consider checking into some form of ECFE and other extra curricular type activities. I do really think both could help regardless of if this is a power struggle issue or an anxiety one. Right now it sounds as if he does not feel safe anywhere without you and at 4 that is not typical or healthy. There really is all kinds of things you could do at this point depending on heats available in your area, the key is really going to be teaching him that he does not need you every second of every day though kwim?

. Ill keep following you willow! ::

I think a great idea is to look into extra curricular! You can generally be present but not involved- hopefully that will give him some space for independence but also comfort that you are there. If it is an option I would also eventually send some other safe person instead of you- dad,
Grandparents, aunts and uncles etc...
Also - as a mom- always go with your gut. In most cases Moms know best. Hang in there!! :hug:

[Unregistered]

Looking into early intervention services

Hello again all. I have been looking into some of the suggestions you all have made and here is what I have learned. Because he is 4 he is considered school age and the school will have to assess for early intervention services through child find. There are some mom and child programs very similar to what Willow described but the cut off is age 3. The school counselor and teachers feel that since he is able to calm down in the classroom after a while that it is more an anxiety issue than a power struggle. I have taken him to the pediatrician that has some concerns after assessing him and has suggested that he continue trying to adjust for another two weeks or so. If there are no changes then he can be pulled out and the school will then begin assessing. Also at the pedi I found out that his hearing is not what it should be and that will be addressed as well. Not sure exactly how this ties in but is anyone familiar with food allergies and mental health or behavior issues connected to them? The pedi mentioned that some children with food allergies similar to my ds also have mental health issues due to their body not being able to breakdown, or tolerate the foods. He will have allergy testing done as well to rule this out. So all in all I will continue to encourage and reassure him while he adjusts and these other issues are handled. At this time his father has chosen not to be a part of his life, so its just me for drop offs. The closest family is a few hrs away, but I will continue to allow many opportunities for him to interact with them to help him feel safe. Thank you all again for your input and support.

[Familycare71]

Sounds like you have a great ped!
I don't know specifics about behavior and allergies but have def heard that is possible. I'm sure someone on here knows more.
I think the best thing you can do while looking into all this is really prepare him as much at night and in the am as you can. And maintain the confidence you seem to be showing him- I am not worried about you and that is why I am ok leaving.
Hope you figure out what if anything else is contributing soon
:hug: He has a great mom!