4 Yr Old Crying At Drop Offs

[Unregistered]

I am registered but would prefer to not sign in at this moment. I am not sure exactly how to handle this situation. My son is 4. He attends preschool Monday thru Friday for 2 1/2 hrs at a public school. He did not cry the first day and he did not cry last Thursday. He was praised for doing a good job at drop off both of those times. School started about 3 weeks ago. With the exception of those two days he has cried from the moment we start walking in the building. I walked him to class the first few days and explained if the crying continued that I would walk him in the door and he would need to walk his self to class. There are teachers spread throughout the school to make sure the children are safe and safely get to where they need to be. I have begun walking him in the building and saying my goodbye at the entrance rather than prolonging it in front of his class. There has been no change for the better. He screams at the top of his lungs when I walk him in. I walk out and dont look back. Im not sure exactly what I should be doing at this point, and I fear that I may not be doing the right thing. I know hes okay at school. The teachers and the principal as well as the counselor have said he calms down within 15 minutes or so of being in his class but sometimes he will refuse to go to class and just screams in the hallway. I have spoken to him and tried to find out what exactly is it that is upsetting him, but his answer is that he doesnt want to go to school. He is familiar with all of the staff there. I have two daughters that attend there and I am on the PTA and also volunteer a great deal at the school. So all of last year my son went with me for events, book fair, field day and many other daytime activities at the school. He likes to help the teachers at the events as well, and has helped the pre-k teachers several times last year (cleaning up , passing out pencils and papers, stacking chairs, etc., during events).
Sorry for the long rant.... Basically I am at a loss and am not sure why he cries at drop offs, and why it has continued for this long. How much of this is normal, what do I do to help ease the transition and not make it stressful for him? Thank you in advance for any suggestions and input.

[butterfly]

I think it may just be the simple fact that he's realizing that this is a regular thing. I've had dcks that didn't cry for the first few days, but then suddenly start when they realized that this was going to be a regular stay at daycare. The kids always did great during the day, but mostly in the am dropoff is where the issue was.

Especially if this child is used to doing short trips to the school with you, or even spending lots of time with you period.

I know it's heartbreaking to hear your child cry like that. :hug: I think once this becomes more routine, things will simmer down.

[Unregistered]

thanks :-)

Thank you Butterfly. I hope it gets better soon and I'm sure that its just hit him as a regular thing as you've said . I have also noticed that when I "say my good-byes at the door" I get really dirty stares from other parents, because my ds is screaming at the top of his lungs. I stay calm and dont show him that it bothers me, but those looks have made me question if I'm doing the right thing or not. Today at pre-k his teachers told him that he may cry if hes sad but is no longer allowed to refuse to go to class ( must listen) or it affects his color on his behavior chart.

[butterfly]

Let em look. Other parents can make you feel so inadequate, can't they. You stand firm. Things will get better!! :hug:

I'm glad that his teachers aren't playing into his crying too much. That should help get him settled too.

[Unregistered]

I have been in your shoes and know exactly what you are going through. I have no advise on how to get it to stop because we never could and had to pull our child from kindergarten and homeschool them.

No crying for the first two weeks or so and then a month of crying all morning long about having to go. Would cry for hours before having to go (afternoon kindergarten), then started the night before, then would start every weekend about having to go back Monday.

Peditrician checked them for anything wrong (on advice from school) and Dr. backed us up on homeschooling but school didn't want to hear that. Then we saw a mental health specialist who said to take the child out because we were causing more harm then good! So we began our journey of homeschooling with two recommendations from doctors.

Our child also started seeing a child counselor for awhile so we could see what was going on. They never could figure it out but when asked to draw a picture of what our child thought of school they would always draw tiger/lions and have very mean faces on them. We couldn't even say the word school without hysterics. In the summer they didn't even want to go to VBS because it has the word school in it and they had always loved it before this.

Maybe your child just isn't ready for school. Our doctor said why push a child to do something if they aren't ready! We are pushing kids younger and younger to do things they aren't ready to do-mentally/physically. We as adults don't do things if we can't so why do we think kids should? Doctor said, let them be kids because they are adults alot longer then they get to be a kid.

[preschoolteacher]

I taught preschool, and it's REALLY normal for a child to have a blast the first week or two, and then suddenly start crying at drop off around the same time frame. Like the previous poster said, he has realized that it's the norm now, and the newness and the excitement of going to a new place has worn off for him.

I think that by staying calm and continuing to walk him to class, you are modeling that it's time to go to school, going to school is not a choice, and other good messages. I think it's important that you allow him to feel sad and acknowledge his feelings, though. You say you stay calm and don't show him that his screaming bothers you--but are you ignoring his feelings (or could it appear that way to him)? He might be screaming louder/crying harder to get your attention... so you talk to him about how he is feeling, why, and so on.

Also, I have to say that the teachers' approach seems inappropriate for a 4 year old. If he's screaming/crying/refusing to go to class, he is more or less "bad" (according to the color chart). That makes me think he might learn that having those feelings is "bad," too. I think a better approach would be letting him cry in the hallway with an aide or staff member to supervise him... in the boring, boring hallway... while the kids inside the class are having a blast. It will get old after awhile and will avoid the power struggle that is sure to go on if he's forced in the room. Just a thought!

[Play Care]

I taught preschool, and it's REALLY normal for a child to have a blast the first week or two, and then suddenly start crying at drop off around the same time frame. Like the previous poster said, he has realized that it's the norm now, and the newness and the excitement of going to a new place has worn off for him.

I think that by staying calm and continuing to walk him to class, you are modeling that it's time to go to school, going to school is not a choice, and other good messages. I think it's important that you allow him to feel sad and acknowledge his feelings, though. You say you stay calm and don't show him that his screaming bothers you--but are you ignoring his feelings (or could it appear that way to him)? He might be screaming louder/crying harder to get your attention... so you talk to him about how he is feeling, why, and so on.

Also, I have to say that the teachers' approach seems inappropriate for a 4 year old. If he's screaming/crying/refusing to go to class, he is more or less "bad" (according to the color chart). That makes me think he might learn that having those feelings is "bad," too. I think a better approach would be letting him cry in the hallway with an aide or staff member to supervise him... in the boring, boring hallway... while the kids inside the class are having a blast. It will get old after awhile and will avoid the power struggle that is sure to go on if he's forced in the room. Just a thought!

[Unregistered]

When he cries at drop off, honestly I dont acknowledge his feelings, I say my good-byes and leave. Upon pick up, I talk to him asking him what games he played, what was his favorite part of pre-k and what he liked the least. He lists tons of things that were fun (computer time, art, being the line leader, playing with dry erase boards. His least favorite part is drop off, and centers. We talk about how exciting school is and all the fun he will have. I do mention that he seemed pretty upset at drop off and I know how scary it may be to be in such a big place, but that he's just fine and must remember that I will always come back to get him. Im not sure what else I should be doing, or saying to acknowledge his feelings and also am not sure why he doesnt like centers. His teachers mentioned in his take home folder that he prefers to sit alone on the carpet at center time rather than socialize with the other kids. He seems very sociable from what I've seen so I just assume he's not comfortable yet.

[Willow]

I can only imagine how difficult hearing that must be!

At the same time there is no way on Gods green earth I would allow my four year old to scream like that anywhere. Crying is one thing. But if he's top of his lungs flipping out in public I'd be inclined to offer some pretty firm and fast consequences for that level of disruptive behavior.


Imho, that you are allowing it is demonstrating to him that there is a reason for him to be doing it.

At four, unless there are medical or mental issues that are causing him to be especially sensitive to such changes in routine, there is no way I would tolerate that behavior out of my child or any other one in my care.

[Unregistered]

I tried to quote, but not quite sure how. Willow I guess my question at this point should be when is it appropriate to discipline for this behavior and how( guessing its past appropriate now) ? He has lost privileges at home such as no computer time or favorite toys being taken away because I felt his behavior was extreme some days. I questioned whether I was making the right choice by punishing him or if this was adding to his anxiety. My girls were never like this and I am completely at a loss with this. I want him to like school and be excited about going and learning...plus its not even a full day so I feel like he should be able to handle it at this point. I want to teach him that his behavior is not acceptable, not really sure how to though. Its been three weeks, so is it appropriate to assume his behavior is continuing because I have not given him a clear consistent consequence? I have handled things like this so well with other kids( never really lasted longer than a week maybe), but for my own ds I feel clueless as to what exactly is appropriate for the situation..

[Leigh]

I am registered but would prefer to not sign in at this moment. I am not sure exactly how to handle this situation. My son is 4. He attends preschool Monday thru Friday for 2 1/2 hrs at a public school. He did not cry the first day and he did not cry last Thursday. He was praised for doing a good job at drop off both of those times. School started about 3 weeks ago. With the exception of those two days he has cried from the moment we start walking in the building. I walked him to class the first few days and explained if the crying continued that I would walk him in the door and he would need to walk his self to class. There are teachers spread throughout the school to make sure the children are safe and safely get to where they need to be. I have begun walking him in the building and saying my goodbye at the entrance rather than prolonging it in front of his class. There has been no change for the better. He screams at the top of his lungs when I walk him in. I walk out and dont look back. Im not sure exactly what I should be doing at this point, and I fear that I may not be doing the right thing. I know hes okay at school. The teachers and the principal as well as the counselor have said he calms down within 15 minutes or so of being in his class but sometimes he will refuse to go to class and just screams in the hallway. I have spoken to him and tried to find out what exactly is it that is upsetting him, but his answer is that he doesnt want to go to school. He is familiar with all of the staff there. I have two daughters that attend there and I am on the PTA and also volunteer a great deal at the school. So all of last year my son went with me for events, book fair, field day and many other daytime activities at the school. He likes to help the teachers at the events as well, and has helped the pre-k teachers several times last year (cleaning up , passing out pencils and papers, stacking chairs, etc., during events).
Sorry for the long rant.... Basically I am at a loss and am not sure why he cries at drop offs, and why it has continued for this long. How much of this is normal, what do I do to help ease the transition and not make it stressful for him? Thank you in advance for any suggestions and input.

It is typical behavior...not all kids do it, but it's not abnormal. HOW are your goodbyes? I would discuss the day with the child on the way to school, and give a quick reminder at drop off about what to expect: We played at home this morning with your dinosaurs, then we had breakfast, now it's time for school. You're going to go to school and play there for a little while, then I'm going to come pick you up and we'll go have pizza for lunch (or whatever). Then we'll read your books (play cars, whatever he enjoys).

It could help him process the day and learn to fit preschool into a normal day. Before bed, I'd reinforce with the highlights of the day: today we went to school, then we had pizza, then we went to the park, etc. Now it's time for bed, then tomorrow, we'll go to school again, and then we'll ___.

I find that communicating what will happen/did happen helps my little one cope with changes or things he doesn't like (it helps a lot!).

Be sure that you make a point of saying a good goodbye, too (don't draw it out, but squat down to his level and say: Now you're going to go play at school, and I'll be back soon to take you home. Have fun today, goodbye (kiss kiss). THEN wave goodbye, walk away and don't look back.

[Blackcat31]

I tried to quote, but not quite sure how. Willow I guess my question at this point should be when is it appropriate to discipline for this behavior and how( guessing its past appropriate now) ? He has lost privileges at home such as no computer time or favorite toys being taken away because I felt his behavior was extreme some days. I questioned whether I was making the right choice by punishing him or if this was adding to his anxiety. My girls were never like this and I am completely at a loss with this. I want him to like school and be excited about going and learning...plus its not even a full day so I feel like he should be able to handle it at this point. I want to teach him that his behavior is not acceptable, not really sure how to though. Its been three weeks, so is it appropriate to assume his behavior is continuing because I have not given him a clear consistent consequence? I have handled things like this so well with other kids( never really lasted longer than a week maybe), but for my own ds I feel clueless as to what exactly is appropriate for the situation..

Have you considered NOT having him go? He may simply not like going. period.

If you work and need care services, maybe a child care with a mixed age group and a provider who offers more one-to-one care is a better more suitable environment for him.

My own DS is THE reason why I am a child care provider. My son HATED structured care and a preschool setting was exactly that. He really hated going. He much preferred a family child care but then was more than ready to go to Kindy when the time came. kwim?

Maybe preschool is just not for him.

[Willow]

Have you considered NOT having him go? He may simply not like going. period.

If you work and need care services, maybe a child care with a mixed age group and a provider who offers more one-to-one care is a better more suitable environment for him.

My own DS is THE reason why I am a child care provider. My son HATED structured care and a preschool setting was exactly that. He really hated going. He much preferred a family child care but then was more than ready to go to Kindy when the time came. kwim?

Maybe preschool is just not for him.

I would be inclined to go this direction if the behavior seemed anxiety induced rather than power struggle related.

If its power struggle related how is mom to respond next year when he pitches fits going to Ksimply because he doesn't want to go? He'll certainly expect the same give up response, which will likely drive him to escalate further and at a much faster pace.



In the words of Dr. Phil.....I'd make him understand that his life as he knew it was ending if he made the choices he's been making thus far. I wouldn't get mad, or mean, I'd simply turn around with him in the school and take him home where I'd subsequently remove every single thing that brings him joy. If all he had left in his room was a mattress and blanket and all he had to eat at night was liver and onions *I would make my point SOLID* You do NOT act like that out in public or your life will take a definite turn for the worst.

Encourage him to talk about it. Let him know there are other ways,to express how he feels. Let him know that you love him, and that you care. But that that bologna will affect his life negatively in the following ways if he pulls it again.


In the case of a power struggle I would require compliance before I made the decision to pull him out of the program completely. It's not about the program at this point, it's about a serious life lesson that needs to be learned.

[Unregistered]

I am actually preparing for my license as we speak. He did really well in a home daycare before he turned two. Then we moved to another state and hes been home with me since then. I dont really need to send him to pre-k but because he cries when family tries to take him places I thought going to school would help with his socializing (when not with me ) and make him feel like a "big boy". I have contemplated the fact that he may not be ready, but fear that pulling him may reinforce that this behavior gets him what he wants. I dont live by any family so literally for the last two years it has been just me. When we visit family he wont go places with them unless I go with him. Again I brush it off as he's not comfortable, but it kind of makes me wonder if theres an issue or if this is normal.

[Blackcat31]

I am actually preparing for my license as we speak. He did really well in a home daycare before he turned two. Then we moved to another state and hes been home with me since then. I dont really need to send him to pre-k but because he cries when family tries to take him places I thought going to school would help with his socializing (when not with me ) and make him feel like a "big boy". I have contemplated the fact that he may not be ready, but fear that pulling him may reinforce that this behavior gets him what he wants. I dont live by any family so literally for the last two years it has been just me. When we visit family he wont go places with them unless I go with him. Again I brush it off as he's not comfortable, but it kind of makes me wonder if theres an issue or if this is normal.

I'm kind of feeling like forcing him to go is not the way to go...

Sounds like developmentally, he may not be ready to go. Forcing him could cause a whole slew of issues....much bigger than "giving in" to his tantrums now.

I would be inclined to believe he is simply tantruming to get his way IF he usually behaves in this manner to get what he wants... only YOU know the answer to that.

I don't know....but just from what I have read...I am still leaning towards the fact that he isn't ready to go to preschool. Maybe a half day a couple days a week would serve your purpose (exposure to others) better...

Maybe try something part time instead...