Divorce While Doing Daycare

[Heidi]

I do go to church. I actually contacted someone from their marriage ministry today, hoping that they could help. I am waiting to hear back. Our church is huge, so I am hoping there is someone who can just help with the emotional part of it.

I talked with my husband today and told him how I felt. He said he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but then in the next sentence still lied to me about this girl. And when I told him the only way that I could move on was with the truth or we are headed for divorce, he said "then go ahead and file" and started to get angry and said I was just trying to control him, so I backed off and let it go. I don't want it to turn into a huge fight. I know this is going to be major drama already, just by how he reacted today.

As hard as it is, I can overcome infidelity if there is some sort of honesty, remorse, regret, etc. happening, but when he sits there and still lies to my face, and denies things when I have proof they have been talking and even met up at least once. If he won't come clean on that, I don't know how this could ever work. I cannot be with someone who lies to my face that easily when he knows I am crushed by all of this.

This thread has turned more into a sob story rather then my original intention of just trying to figure out how to work it out with the daycare. I am going through about a million emotions right now and just trying to keep it all together. Thank you to everyone for the advice. It feels good to know I am not alone in all of this.

You do understand that's his passive-aggressive way to get what he wants, right? You did EXACTLY what he expected....you backed down. I can see that from waaay over her in WI.

We are not going to be able to tell you much that your church, counselor, and lawyer will, but hang in there, and get some help!

If it's any consolation, I was in your shoes 12 years ago, and I had 4 children, ages 11,9,4, and 14 months. After a long internal struggle, I moved out, much to the shock of my dc families (we put on a good front). About 4 months later, I met my now husband, and although I have questioned my sanity on a few occasions, we are quite happy most of the time. We struggle like anyone (almost called it quits in February after almost 10 years of marriage), but it's a different kind of struggle. I can't really explain it, but it's not the same as my first marriage in so many ways. I'm still ME. That's the big change, I think, KWIM?

[grandmom]

As hard as it is, I can overcome infidelity if there is some sort of honesty, remorse, regret, etc. happening, but when he sits there and still lies to my face, and denies things when I have proof they have been talking and even met up at least once. If he won't come clean on that, I don't know how this could ever work. I cannot be with someone who lies to my face that easily when he knows I am crushed by all of this.

Oh, I'm so sorry sweetie. You are going through what I did 5 years ago. Please don't try to overcome infidelity. It will kill you inside.

survivinginfidelity.com

Read other's stories there, and share yours. You will find healing there. You will be shocked to read that other spouses have heard the exact same words as you. They have ben lying to themselves and others for so long that they actually believe that we believe them.

And remember this. You are teaching your young children how to run a marriage and what to accept in a spouse. Do you want your young daughter to marry a man who is unfaithful, and for her to believe that's ok? Then don't live that example for her. Do you want your young son to marry a girl and then think it's ok to be unfaithful? Then don't live that example for him. Set the standard high and let your children see you love yourself enough to draw a line in the sand.

As for divorcing with the child care, I can only tell you what I did and how it worked. I met with my parents/customers one at a time and told them what I was willing to say. Some heard more than others, but they all heard the minimum. Keep it to a minimum till you are ready to share. They will immediately be concerned that their child could be involved in his infidelity. So be prepared to answer that question.

I got to keep the house just because it worked out that way, but know this: the business is NOT worth a dime as you divide property. You cannot sell the business, it is licensed to only you and is not saleable. Do not allow him to put any value on it. It is only worth what you could get for all the junk at a garage sale. A few hundred dollars. It is just a job, not a business in that sense.

Accept help from others, even Michael. You will learn that you are blessed by others beyond your wildest thoughts. And know this. When someone offers to help, and you refuse, you are robbing them of the blessing they receive by helping.

Good luck to you. My prayers include you.

[nannyde]

Wow Michael, that is a very generous offer. I am very touched. Thank you, but I can't let you do that. I looked into how much counseling would cost last night and found it wasn't as much as I thought, as long as our insurance will cover it, which I am not sure about.

Even putting my Christian faith aside, yes I do want it to work. I lovehave him. We have 2 beautiful children and have spent the past 10 years of our lives building a life together, building a household, a family, and I thought working towards a future. We have been through a lot together and it is hard to just give that up, but at the same time, I cannot live with who doesn't love or respect me enough to tell me the truth about things. It is a matter of integrity, respect, and trust. Without that, everything we have means nothing really. It is a tough place to be.

I want our marriage to work with all of my being. I love him deeply despite his flaws. At the core he is a good man. I just think if he won't even come clean about the lies then there is no other choice besides divorce. How can you move forward when he is not willing to put the past behind him? How can we move forward if there isare no trust? It seems impossible. I will ask him to go to counseling but I have before on lesser issues and he has refused. I realize at least I need counseling myself though to get through this. I will also be making an appointment to meet with an attorney to figure out where I stand and empower myself.

I appreciate the responses to this. It is a very lonely, scary, trapped place to be. It is comforting to know that others have been through similar situations and things have turned out alright. My main concern in all of this aside from my children is my business. I have worked SO hard yo build it up and I am very protective over it. Even if we divorce, I am level headed enough to do it amicably, despite the hurt. I don't feel like my husband is capable of that. It might just be empty threats to scare me into staying despite everything, but the thought that my life could come crumbling down because of his inability to remain level headed in stressful situations is very scary to me.

I have never been married so I know nothing about infidelity personally. I have had close friends and family who have gone thru this.

What's screaming from your post is that you want to know if he has had sex with her and he isn't telling you. Point blank period. You are baiting him with the idea that you can't go forward unless he confesses and he know he doesn't have to. He may still be working on closing the deal or he has closed the deal and he isn't sure he's going to be able to keep closing the deal so he's keeping the marriage as a fall back plan should his deal with her not pan out.

He has nothing to loose by keeping you on the line even if he has to tantrum with you to keep you locked in. If you are fearful of his acting out then acting out is what he needs to do to keep you locked in.

Please don't spend another ounce of energy on getting him to confess whether he has had sex or not. He won't confess until he is certain his deal is sealed. You can't base your future on him working out his best deal with someone else.

A man who has a wife who thinks he is being unfaithful who is not being unfaithful closes in the ranks and builds her up and the marriage up. He doesn't play hide and seek with the truth.

[Heidi]

I have never been married so I know nothing about infidelity personally. I have had close friends and family who have gone thru this.

What's screaming from your post is that you want to know if he has had sex with her and he isn't telling you. Point blank period. You are baiting him with the idea that you can't go forward unless he confesses and he know he doesn't have to. He may still be working on closing the deal or he has closed the deal and he isn't sure he's going to be able to keep closing the deal so he's keeping the marriage as a fall back plan should his deal with her not pan out.

He has nothing to loose by keeping you on the line even if he has to tantrum with you to keep you locked in. If you are fearful of his acting out then acting out is what he needs to do to keep you locked in.

Please don't spend another ounce of energy on getting him to confess whether he has had sex or not. He won't confess until he is certain his deal is sealed. You can't base your future on him working out his best deal with someone else.

A man who has a wife who thinks he is being unfaithful who is not being unfaithful closes in the ranks and builds her up and the marriage up. He doesn't play hide and seek with the truth.

[mrsmartin2007]

I feel your pain.....

I must say I know exactly where you are coming from. Even though I married young at the age 22 my husband and I have been through some things these last nine years. 2 children, a house and a new daycare business. At this very moment you are scared and you think that divorce is the only option because you feel betrayed. You are scared and you feel like you deserve so much better, but remember you vowed for better or worst. Have you been through the worst part yet? Or is this it? What are you doing to pass this test that God has given you? Remember he says in his word that he will never put more on you that cant handle. The communication is not there for one. Being a Christian has given you the best gift your marriage can have. Trust God first and whether your husband lies or not the Lord will show you the truth. What's done in the dark WILL come to the light. I cant suggest counseling unless the both of you agree. My husband wanted counseling but I felt that if we cant communicate with each other then why pay to talk to someone else. You have to want it! It took almost 2 years to work out this issue but we are even stronger. The Lord never said that marriage would be easy, It takes a lot of work. It seems as though their is something he's missing. Stop walking on those egg shells and talk. I feel like I am at a point to testify and help others through my experience. Brothers and Sisters in Christ should be able to build up one another. Message me if needed. You and your family are in my prayers. It changes things....

[Unregistered]

Thank you to everyone who offered their opinions and advice. I went 2-3 days without talking to my husband and then sat down yesterday and wrote him a long letter explaining my feelings and why I feel how I feel. I also explained that he is in full control of whether or not he is able or willing to give me what I need to move on. I truly do not feel anything physical has happened YET, but it is clearly headed that way. Right now I think it is just an emotional thing, and in a way I think that is the most hurtful to me... but anyway, since communication is an issue, and it seems easier and more effective to put things into words on paper rather than have a million emotions going back and forth on both of our parts, I wrote him out a long, loving, but firm letter basically to clearly explain my feelings, my desires for our relationship, and what I will need to do (divorce) if he cannot do what I NEED him to do to repair our marriage (basically 100% transparency and not talking to this person anymore).

I also found out my church offers conseling with a licensed MFT for only $30, so I called and made an appointment. Michael, if you are reading this, I am TRULY touched that you would reach out to a total anonymous stranger and offer to pay for that first session, but $30 is totally affordable... not like the $100ish that I thought it would be.

So there is hope. My husband continues to say he does not want a divorce. He has his own issues that I have not even gone into here, but I am hoping with Faith, love, trust, God's grace, and some counseling we can come through this stronger than ever.... and if we don't, then at least counseling will give ME the strength and tools I need to get through it.

[Familycare71]

Thank you to everyone who offered their opinions and advice. I went 2-3 days without talking to my husband and then sat down yesterday and wrote him a long letter explaining my feelings and why I feel how I feel. I also explained that he is in full control of whether or not he is able or willing to give me what I need to move on. I truly do not feel anything physical has happened YET, but it is clearly headed that way. Right now I think it is just an emotional thing, and in a way I think that is the most hurtful to me... but anyway, since communication is an issue, and it seems easier and more effective to put things into words on paper rather than have a million emotions going back and forth on both of our parts, I wrote him out a long, loving, but firm letter basically to clearly explain my feelings, my desires for our relationship, and what I will need to do (divorce) if he cannot do what I NEED him to do to repair our marriage (basically 100% transparency and not talking to this person anymore).

I also found out my church offers conseling with a licensed MFT for only $30, so I called and made an appointment. Michael, if you are reading this, I am TRULY touched that you would reach out to a total anonymous stranger and offer to pay for that first session, but $30 is totally affordable... not like the $100ish that I thought it would be.

So there is hope. My husband continues to say he does not want a divorce. He has his own issues that I have not even gone into here, but I am hoping with Faith, love, trust, God's grace, and some counseling we can come through this stronger than ever.... and if we don't, then at least counseling will give ME the strength and tools I need to get through it.

:hug: good for you!!!
And PLEASE don't ever let someone else tell you where your path is or what is right FOR YOU! I TOTALY believe PP is coming from a helping place. But I had someone say something similar when I chose to end my first marriage and it hurt. FOR ME God was giving me strength and Blessings in Leaving! And that was completely between me and Him. That was my truth- follow your truth- and what God is guiding and supporting for YOUR FAMILY.
And I am so glad you are working on you-

[Michael]

I also found out my church offers conseling with a licensed MFT for only $30, so I called and made an appointment. Michael, if you are reading this, I am TRULY touched that you would reach out to a total anonymous stranger and offer to pay for that first session, but $30 is totally affordable... not like the $100ish that I thought it would be..

Maybe you can email me since I can't privately PM you. Director@Daycare.com

[Unregistered]

Maybe you can email me since I can't privately PM you. Director@Daycare.com

I can totally afford $30. THANK YOU though for the very generous and kind offer.

[Unregistered]

Is This Thread Still Active? I'm a Divorcing Daycare Provider!

I just read this thread from way back in August 2013, and I wanted to tell the OP and everyone else who posted that I too am a daycare provider, and I am divorcing my husband while running a daycare from home.

My husband says I can remain in the home until the divorce is final, and continue running my daycare - BUT within four months of the divorce being final he'd like me to move out.

The frustrating thing is that I've been doing home daycare since 1998 - because it was the only way to work around his ever-changing job schedule, and because it allowed me to be the primary caregiver to our three kids. So I don't have any current, marketable job skills where I can just move out, find another place to live, and earn enough money to support myself.

I plan to offer somewhat of a compromise. I will move out (joint custody of the kids already agreed upon), BUT he needs to allow me to come to the house each day and run my daycare - as if I'm going to any other kind of job. This will enable me to retain my income, and keep some sense of stability and normalcy for our kids.

When he retires, seven years from now, the plan is for him to sell our house and split the equity in it at that time with me.

I'm very hopeful this plan is one he will agree to. Good luck to the other providers going through the same type of situation!

[Unregistered]

I just googled my question and stumbled on this thread. I am going thru the similar situation except I am married for 21 years and in state for 20 years. My husband is a controlling person and to get the control back he is going to extreme, becoming physically abusive. It took me 20 years to understand the reality who he is. I used to justify all his actions by giving excuses and having faith in my god. But after beaten up in last fight I have run out of patience. And trying to have courage to take decision of divorce with the some support.
It is really hard and I need people to tell me I am doing right. As far from my family and country I have only my kids and may be 1 or 2 friends who will understand and support me. He is completely different personality outside. Fortunately in last fight one of close friend became a witness. And even he couldn’t believe that my husband could beat me up like that if he wouldn’t have confess in front of him.
I am wondering same what happened to my daycare and how will it affect other parents knowing all this. This is the only income source I have.
I don’t know how things will turn out for me when we file for divorce as he is nicely will give me everything I will ask but if challenged he will destroy everything so I get nothing and beg for his mercy and he can show me my status. I can’t predict him what will he do? I don’t know should I give another try to such relation where I am treated like animal and have no respect in real and outside everyone thinks he is saint.
For records we have gone for counseling in past. I asked for that again and he refused as he says counselor was telling it’s all his fault. And while in those sessions I didn’t disclose about physical abuse and some worst things he said to me.
Any helpful advice will be appreciated as I have to learn everything from managing finance to giving support to my kids.

[Ariana]

The best thing to do is get and talk to a lawyer to sort this through. There really should be no way you lose everything because of a divorce, especially since he is being physically abusibe so your safety is being violated. Get out as fast as you can.

[Unregistered]

Divorced

Hello All,
It has been years since I have posted on here. I wanted to post because of the topic life after divorce. I was married for over 20 years for personal reasons we divorced. All I have ever been trained in is child care. I had my own home child care, loved it, made it great money and miss it every day! I lost everything in the divorce of course I did not fight because I knew I wouldn’t win mom in law worked for attorney’s and knew judges. Before the divorce my ex hated my home care he would get home and just start in on me I guess you can say he wore me down. So that was the first to go. My friend got me a job at a child care center that she worked at and let me tell you it has been down hill from there. The people that I have encountered I am just flabbergasted at the way people treat other people. I lost my best friend because I couldn’t believe what type of person she was at work. She was mean to other co-workers and literally threw people under the bus regularly. She stole my ideas and claimed they were hers. So, I left I got another job at another center and dear lord what, again I say what is going on or maybe it is just me? I am appalled at what really goes on at these centers.
Let me set the scene for you, the boss is sitting at her desk and she has her entourage as I like to call them, there are a select 3 employees gathered around her desk and they have their feet propped up coffee in hand and yes, they are on the clock. They are talking about an employee could be any employee or a customer, but it is someone different daily. The boss picks someone to trash talk every day she will show them their Facebook page, the kind of house they live in, and will diverge of personal information about this person. She will embellish the story and make this person look bad no matter if it is true or not. The boss does this all day, it will last for her entire shift, she will bring in other employees to talk about this person or other people. I have never seen someone gossip about people the way she does, I have heard her talk about other people’s medical conditions, financial situations, where they live, what type of person they are and any kind of personal information that she knows about them it gets put out in the open to be discussed and dissected repeatedly. This is in art form for she could win an academy at the way she does this.
She never stays late, never works in a classroom to cover shifts, she literally sits at her desk all day and gossips or shops on Amazon. By the way she has no classroom experience nor has she worked at any other child care center. Now she is my Director!
The catering food is so gross that I gag every time I smell it. It smells like Alpo dog food. I can’t believe I have to force the kids to eat this stuff. I will post pictures, so you can see. I wish I had smell o camera! The kids hate it and refuse to eat it.
The staff are just as bad all they do is talk about each other and tattle on each other. It is very catty, I like to call this place the mean girl society. They are constantly throwing each other under the bus. The tattle telling is out of control, there are no words for what gets said about other staff by staff. These people were hired to work with children but that is the last thing that is going on. I know this sounds like a middle school drama, but these are grown women all in their 30’s and 40’s.
There is so much more to say about day care centers that I want to start a Web site called Why Day Care Centers ****!
I know some of you own and operate centers, but this would be geared to educate parents on the truth/behind closed doors/what happens after you leave things parents really need to look at.
If you are thinking of quitting your home care situation, don’t do it. You need to figure out a way to keep it. Since this is all I know I have been forced to work two to three jobs to support myself. I also am enrolled in college part time. I have the equivalent of an Associates Degree in Web Development. I just transferred into the bachelor’s Program. Yes I can create Web sites from scratch. This has taken me four years to get to. I am stressed all the time, I have no life, or very limited, and very limited funds. My ex makes three times the amount of money that I do and has full health benefits. (Sigh) I can’t even get a job because all my work experience is in child care. I have applied for hundreds of jobs and yes entry level, but I am passed up all the time. I am plain tired of working so much and going to school.
I am going to look at a place today to start back up in child care. My own place, fingers crossed that I can get through this I will have to start extremely small and keep my part time job until I can’t get legal. According to the rules I can take care of 5 kids with out a license so that is what I will do. I can no longer afford to live off 26,000 a year, I need to make a jump and pray that this will work out.
I share this story so hopefully you can have a better understanding of what to expect. I have no family, so I can’t even move back home and honestly, I wouldn’t want to.
Hopefully this helps.

[Cat Herder]

"I want to start a Web site called Why Day Care Centers ****!"

It already exists and it is glorious. :: http://www.daycaresdontcare.org/Work...ay_page_22.htm

:hug: for everything you are going through. You described every center I have ever worked in. Mean girls. I hope you find some light at the end of your tunnel. It does get better and there are some awesome ones out there.