Divorce While Doing Daycare

[Unregistered]

I have posted here before, but logged out because I want to remain anonymous.

I am contemplating divorce....not because I want one, but because I feel there is really no other choice at this point. My husband and I have had little issues for years. He is not an easy person to love, but I do love him despite everything. Most of our past issues revolve around his anger and lack of patience. It has gotten better over the years. No abuse, just a short fuse.

He has recently began talking to an old girlfriend through Facebook. I saw semi-flirtatious messages and confronted him on it months ago and he swore I had nothing to worry about and that he would stop talking to her, but I found out recently he has been lying to me this whole time. I don't think anything serious has happened yet, but he has lied to me repeatedly about them talking and I found out recently they met up. I think she just stopped by his work or something, but he lied to me about it. Those who have nothing to hide do not lie. He doesn't know that I have proof of this and when I confronted him on it and he just lied to my face over and over and told me I was being ridiculous. That was the final straw for me. If there is no remorse or if he doesn't love me enough to tell me the truth when it is staring him in the face, then that says alot. I can't live my life like that.

I do not believe in divorce. I am a Christian and try to love him despite it all, but there comes a point when you have to love yourself more. We have two young children, and the thought of not bringing them up in a family that is together crushes me to the core, but so does sticking by a man who doesn't love or respect me enough to tell me the truth about things or be 100% faithful to me.

That said, I am wondering who has gone through a divorce while doing home daycare? I know because of my husbands anger issues, he will likely blow up when I tell him I want a divorce. While I don't think he will get violent, I am afraid he might go into a rage and react irrationally.

I am most concerned about the kids and the house. I obviously run my business out of my house. It is my intention to stay in the house and I can afford it if we are divorced. I love the area, my daughter goes to school right down the street, and I have my business already set up here. I know he will fight me on the divorce and may even refuse to leave or even try to bully me out of the house or take our kids and go to his relative's house with them. I am not sure how to stop that from happening. I can't really just stop doing business because of his drama, but I am not sure how to handle things in the most beneficial way for myself. I guess maybe I even just want to give him a wake up call and hopefully make him come around and stop lying. I just don't want him to do anything that we can't come back from, so I am trying to figure out how the law works so I can plan to do things in the best way possible.

I hope this all makes sense. I think I need to just consult an attorney, but with my business, it might be a while before I can get out of the house and find childcare for my own children to go to an appointment like that. Anyone have any advice on how to handle a potential divorce like this in the best way possible?

Thanks

[Starburst]

The FCCP I used to work for got divorced twice in her whole career of family child care (30+ years). She was able to keep the house because of her daycare business (since that was her source of income).

If you are afraid of him doing something that may affect you or your business you can get a restraining order for your business; maybe not for your specifically since you share a child, if he will have visitation rights to your daughter you may need to take her to his home.

Keep in mind the rules and laws differ in each state.

[Michael]

In my opinion you should see a lawyer. Tell your husband about it and why. How he responds and his actions will give you an indication on how to proceed. Good luck.

[Unregistered]

I've lived through it, but was unable to remain in the house. Everything crumbled and it took a year to rebuild again. It was a very challenging time, but out of a bad situation good can come. The hardest parts were making the decision, voicing it and following through. The rebuilding and healing part I welcomed. Gather an awesome support group you can lean upon and save as much money as possible. I would suggest using a mediator instead of lawyers if you thought the divorce could be done with little conflict. Does not sound like an option for you My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Also if you are looking to salvage the marriage is there a counselor, impartial family friend, or someone from church who might be able to talk with him or both of you?

[Unregistered]

I had money saved from before our marriage that we used as a down payment on the house and it was a significant amount, so once it comes down to battling things out, I have no doubt I will get the house, but I am just worried about it being peaceful enough to stay here in the short term right after I tell him I want a divorce. He is not going to like it and I just know his pattern and I am pretty sure he will fly off the handle and let his anger take over. It is usually just ranting and raving about things, saying unkind words, and empty threats of taking the kids from me, but I am afraid when he is faced with the reality of not being married anymore, he might do something crazy like taking the kids somewhere or even locking me out of the house by changing the locks or something (2 things he has threatened before in arguments).

I have no problem with visitation. I want him to be a part of our children's lives. I love him deeply. I just don't want to live my life with someone who values me so little that they would do what he has done and continues to do. I would LOVE to go to a counselor, but money stops us from doing that. Even with our insurance is ridiculously expensive... and even then, I am not sure he would go.

[Unregistered]

Would divorce not be much more expensive than counseling? I'll admit I didn't even look into the cost of counseling. We were well beyond that by the time I learned what I did.

Is there a trusted family friend or a close friend of his you could have with you when you tell him. Someone who can help keep him from flying off the handle and take some time to cool off. Maybe someone who can take him out for a guys weekend away after to process things. Having a witness there may prevent him from making threats, and if threats are made then you do have a witness there to verify what was said.

Perhaps things are different where you live than for me. I too put the down payment on the house and ran a daycare out of it. When all the numbers of premarital assets and assets of both of us as of the date of separation hit paper - well there was no way I could buy him out of his portion of the house, plus the rest needed to equalize assets since he had secretly racked up a great deal of debt during his 'dating days'.

[Unregistered]

Excellent point. Divorce would certainly be more costly than counseling. I don't think my husband would agree to counseling however.

[Margarete]

If you are open to trying to work things out.. giving him the option of we need counseling to try to work things out or a divorce will put it on him to choose. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, and you go the other direction, I would just remind him that this was his choice. I would think that would help lesson the possible anger about the situation.
Really really sorry about everything your going through. I hope that regardless of if you stay married or get divorced that you both can heal, and eventually work together civilly for your children's sake.

[Michael]

Excellent point. Divorce would certainly be more costly than counseling. I don't think my husband would agree to counseling however.

A couple of things you've said that I want to cover. See a lawyer and let your husband know you have done so. He may be good at manipulating you through fear, but seeing a lawyer puts control on your side.

See a counselor. If you are a member, PM me. I will pay for your first session.

You should tell your husband, in counseling, this sentence that you mentioned earlier: "I love him deeply. I just don't want to live my life with someone who values me so little that they would do what he has done and continues to do."

I think you at least need to give this a try.

[canadiancare]

If you take faith off the table do you actually want to work things out?
I wouldn't be able to stay in our home without his income so it would be a challenge for me but if you can do it and want to then it shouldn't be an issue for your parents. You may end up a happier caregiver.


Good luck.

[Josiegirl]

My heart breaks just to read your story and imagine the anguish you must be feeling.
I never got divorced but have been apart from my dh for 6 years now. I held off for years and years 'because of the children'. But I think during that time their self-esteem was badly damaged and they saw a warped sense of what marriage should/could be like. Thankfully their relationship with their dad has been repaired a lot but I can only imagine what it would be like now if we had all continued living together.
We tried counseling but I think in my heart I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore. He placed most of the blame on me and I felt I deserved it. But over the years I've come to realize it took two to make it work.
IF he refuses counseling altogether, I'd take Michael up on his generous offer and at least go by yourself. But before you do, make sure you do your research and find someone really good. I've gone to quite a few therapists during my lifetime and have only come across one or two that I felt comfortable enough to 'let it all out' with.
I wish you both could sit down in a loving understanding manner and have a heart to heart talk but it doesn't sound like this is possible if he's telling you lies.
I wish you all the best and hope you can come to a decision soon. Living together, trying to maintain a 'normal' atmosphere for your own children and the daycare...well it's next to impossible. At least if you can make a decision then work from there, yes it's tough but it can be done and is done every single day.
By the way, my dh also had anger issues, except he would blow up at the least little thing and then neither of us would speak for days. It was very tense. He needed to be in control of situations and if he wasn't it was he!!.

[Unregistered]

Wow Michael, that is a very generous offer. I am very touched. Thank you, but I can't let you do that. I looked into how much counseling would cost last night and found it wasn't as much as I thought, as long as our insurance will cover it, which I am not sure about.

Even putting my Christian faith aside, yes I do want it to work. I lovehave him. We have 2 beautiful children and have spent the past 10 years of our lives building a life together, building a household, a family, and I thought working towards a future. We have been through a lot together and it is hard to just give that up, but at the same time, I cannot live with who doesn't love or respect me enough to tell me the truth about things. It is a matter of integrity, respect, and trust. Without that, everything we have means nothing really. It is a tough place to be.

I want our marriage to work with all of my being. I love him deeply despite his flaws. At the core he is a good man. I just think if he won't even come clean about the lies then there is no other choice besides divorce. How can you move forward when he is not willing to put the past behind him? How can we move forward if there isare no trust? It seems impossible. I will ask him to go to counseling but I have before on lesser issues and he has refused. I realize at least I need counseling myself though to get through this. I will also be making an appointment to meet with an attorney to figure out where I stand and empower myself.

I appreciate the responses to this. It is a very lonely, scary, trapped place to be. It is comforting to know that others have been through similar situations and things have turned out alright. My main concern in all of this aside from my children is my business. I have worked SO hard yo build it up and I am very protective over it. Even if we divorce, I am level headed enough to do it amicably, despite the hurt. I don't feel like my husband is capable of that. It might just be empty threats to scare me into staying despite everything, but the thought that my life could come crumbling down because of his inability to remain level headed in stressful situations is very scary to me.

[craftymissbeth]

My DH and I are currently going through some things.

He won't leave, though. I can't afford a divorce at the moment and we're both on the house. So he simply will not leave. It's baffling to me why someone would choose to stay in a situation where they know they are unwanted. (I know that sounds terrible, but DH when you average out all of his "goods" and "bads"... there are far more bads if that makes sense)

I won't go through our whole story, but it's very similar to what you've said here. He's a good person... outside of our home. He's so sweet and friendly... to everyone except DS and me. When he's home he's so bitter and DS and I walk on eggshells around him. I found a picture of him and a co-worker on his FB page.. he had his arms around her like she meant something to him and they were holding each other very close. The people who commented on it said things like "oh, what a sweet couple" and "I knew you guys were going to get together!". Ugh. He of course denied there was anything going on and that they took the picture as a joke to make her boyfriend jealous mmmmkay!


Anyway, I guess I don't have a whole lot of advice. But I completely understand where you are right now. It's frustrating to love someone so much yet just know that it's over and there is nothing left to salvage.

:hug:

[Cradle2crayons]

Excellent point. Divorce would certainly be more costly than counseling. I don't think my husband would agree to counseling however.

Do you have a family church?? If so, a lot of pastors have marriage counseling on the side. It may be much much cheaper and more personal if yu are already comfortable with the pastor. Just a thought.

As far as michaels offer. This is the time when you should stop saying no and just say thanks and do it. I don't know Michael that well, but I think he wouldn't have offered if he didn't truly mean it. It was an offer from the heart and should be accepted from the heart.

Of course, that's your choice.

[Unregistered]

I do go to church. I actually contacted someone from their marriage ministry today, hoping that they could help. I am waiting to hear back. Our church is huge, so I am hoping there is someone who can just help with the emotional part of it.

I talked with my husband today and told him how I felt. He said he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but then in the next sentence still lied to me about this girl. And when I told him the only way that I could move on was with the truth or we are headed for divorce, he said "then go ahead and file" and started to get angry and said I was just trying to control him, so I backed off and let it go. I don't want it to turn into a huge fight. I know this is going to be major drama already, just by how he reacted today.

As hard as it is, I can overcome infidelity if there is some sort of honesty, remorse, regret, etc. happening, but when he sits there and still lies to my face, and denies things when I have proof they have been talking and even met up at least once. If he won't come clean on that, I don't know how this could ever work. I cannot be with someone who lies to my face that easily when he knows I am crushed by all of this.

This thread has turned more into a sob story rather then my original intention of just trying to figure out how to work it out with the daycare. I am going through about a million emotions right now and just trying to keep it all together. Thank you to everyone for the advice. It feels good to know I am not alone in all of this.