How To Address A Child Who Is Less Advanced ?

[blandino]

I'm not sure who has paid attention to my previous posts, but we are a large home daycare, which means we are licensed for 12 children with 2 adults present. We rent a separate home for the daycare. My mother has the 0-18/20 month olds and I have the 18/20 month + children who have a preschool schedule.

Right now we have 18 & 17 month old girls. The 18 month old has always been developmentally ahead of the game and hit all milestones early. The 17 month old has been here for a few months, only comes PT, and isn't walking yet and is still on the bottle (NOT an issue for us).

However, I have taken the 18 month old out with the big kids and when we start back to your preschool schedule in September, she will participate. She is now sleeping on a mat. The 17 month old just isn't ready. I could get past not walking, and carry her from activity to activity. But I can't take breaks from a preschool schedule to give bottles. Also, she just isn't as mature as she needs to be to be participating, reasonably following directions, there isn't a possibility for her to sleep on a mat ,etc.

Mom of the 17 month old is very talkative and involved with the daycare. I know she will notice that her child is still in with the infants and toddlers, while the other DCG has moved up. I don't really know how to address it if/when she asks. I can definitely say that the bottle issues has something to do with it, but that's not totally it. She just isn't mature enough. Is that a good enough response that she is just not mature enough at this point to participate ?

[preschoolteacher]

I think it would be a mistake to move the girl up before she's ready. I know you anticipate her mom will feel bad/upset if you move one girl without the other, but children really mature at different rates and one cannot be compaired to the other.

It would be unfair for the 17 mo old to expect her to behave like a preschooler before she's ready and unfair to the 18 mo old to hold her back to spare someone's feelings.

Do you have criteria of why a child should move up beyond age? Something like: Signs a child may be ready to move to preschool room-walking, can sleep on cot, can feed self, etc. etc. AND is 18 months old.

If mom is concerned, tell her 18 mo is the starting age to transition, but to be successful there, the child has to have otherskills as well which will come in time.

[blandino]

I think it would be a mistake to move the girl up before she's ready. I know you anticipate her mom will feel bad/upset if you move one girl without the other, but children really mature at different rates and one cannot be compaired to the other.

It would be unfair for the 17 mo old to expect her to behave like a preschooler before she's ready and unfair to the 18 mo old to hold her back to spare someone's feelings.

Do you have criteria of why a child should move up beyond age? Something like: Signs a child may be ready to move to preschool room-walking, can sleep on cot, can feed self, etc. etc. AND is 18 months old.

If mom is concerned, tell her 18 mo is the starting age to transition, but to be successful there, the child has to have otherskills as well which will come in time.

Yes, I do have a criteria. I don't publish it, but I have a few qualifications & signs I look out for.

- must be on a consistent afternoon nap schedule
- pacifier use must be for nap only. (not so much a qualification, but it happens once they are with the preschoolers, so they have to be able to handle it).
- must be able to participate in activities without distracting the other children. I usually expect the attention span to sit and listen to one short story.
- must be able to sleep on a mat, and have the ability to lay there if they wake up early without waking classmates.
- must be able to follow simple directions

Logically, she totally doesn't fit into any of these categories. But to have to sit down and point blank show mom that the child is less advanced than a peer is going to be uncomfortable KWIM ? I think DCM could actually use see the difference, but it is an uncomfortable thing to have to cover.

[Familycare71]

If she is so attentive hopefully she has already noticed the diff between the two. But yes- really I would just tell her what you said here- that it isn't in her best interest at this time because of... And unless you are- reassure her that you have no concerns for her but she is just going at her own pace.
Mom may be a but sad but hopefully will appreciate that your program caters to individual children and their current needs!

[blandino]

If she is so attentive hopefully she has already noticed the diff between the two. But yes- really I would just tell her what you said here- that it isn't in her best interest at this time because of... And unless you are- reassure her that you have no concerns for her but she is just going at her own pace.
Mom may be a but sad but hopefully will appreciate that your program caters to individual children and their current needs!

She has to notice the difference on some level, because her daughter isn't walking or talking like the other 18 month old. Walking would be the most obvious, even though a late walker doesn't mean anything cognitively. But she is one who thinks her daughter does things that in reality, she doesn't.

I think you ladies are definitely right. Just tell her it is in the best interest of the child, and other children, to move her up when she is developmentally ready instead of forcing those skills on her.

[Familycare71]

She has to notice the difference on some level, because her daughter isn't walking or talking like the other 18 month old. Walking would be the most obvious, even though a late walker doesn't mean anything cognitively. But she is one who thinks her daughter does things that in reality, she doesn't.

I think you ladies are definitely right. Just tell her it is in the best interest of the child, and other children, to move her up when she is developmentally ready instead of forcing those skills on her.

Exactly!!! I know parents don't always react the way we would hope but she really should be so glad she has her child somewhere that is working with her at her level! I would just focus on that: for the best of your child, so your child doesn't feel pushed, etc... Hopefully that will help her perspective. If she does act upset I would guess it would come from a place of worry about her child's development.

[Rachel]

How old is the next youngest kid? I can see it being an issue if you are leaving a 17 month old in a group where the next oldest kid is 10 months old, not if the next oldest kid is 16 months old.

[blandino]

How old is the next youngest kid? I can see it being an issue if you are leaving a 17 month old in a group where the next oldest kid is 10 months old, not if the next oldest kid is 16 months old.

The next oldest are 13 & 14 months.

Truth be told though, with DCGs inconsistent naps and bottles, if you looked at care only, she require similar care to someone under 1. But I think DCM would take offense to that being said.

[countrymom]

also, is the mom inhibiting her to move on. Like at that age she should be walking. I have so many younger kids her, that after a year, I help them walk. Every chance I get I either walk with them or if I see them on the ground I stand them up. I don't carry the kids. As for the talking, has she had ear infections alot, maybe she needs to see an ent. And the bottles, ditch them. Really she only needs them in the morning and at night.

[blandino]

also, is the mom inhibiting her to move on. Like at that age she should be walking. I have so many younger kids her, that after a year, I help them walk. Every chance I get I either walk with them or if I see them on the ground I stand them up. I don't carry the kids. As for the talking, has she had ear infections alot, maybe she needs to see an ent. And the bottles, ditch them. Really she only needs them in the morning and at night.

I would say DEFINITELY that mom is inhibiting her. Now we are at the point where mom is worried about her walking, but I think the incessant carrying that was done before mom was worried is more of the culprit. Mom doesn't know how to move past the infant stage.

Since she has been with us we have stopped her from getting a bottle every 3 hours, yes every 3 hours - like an infant, to having one per daycare day. The issue is she only comes 2 days a week, and the other 5 she is getting multiple bottles a day. So it isn't like a FT kid, who you can take the bottles away and pretty soon they adjust and do fine at daycare without them. She is at home in between daycare days, so I just think that with her not coming FT to completely get rid of the bottles is asking for a miserable day. Plus the one we have kept is right before nap, and I really don't want to mess with a peaceful nap time. KWIM ?

[mrsnj]

IMO children that age progress at different rates. I had one child who was under two who participated with my big kids and another the same age who didnt for many more months. It's more about the individual. The walking would be concerning though. I would monitor that and if she is carrying maybe now would be a good time to point out that she isn't walking and what your doing to get her to, suggesting that maybe they work with her at home (hint hint )


I have parents here who still bring baby food for there two yr old and a 19 month old who brings table foods! I cannot get the two yr olds parents to understand she needs to move on. What they are doing is causing texture issues and self feeding issues. So I understand the enabler parent. Sometimes we have to gently push n point out the obvious thereby teaching the parents too

[CedarCreek]

I'd probably try to play it like this:

dcm: "I noticed that the other dcg moved up and mine hasn't, why is that?"

Me: "We transition on an individual basis here. Some kiddos are ready to move up at this point and some need a little longer. Dcg is where she will be receiving the specific care she needs."

At that point, she might ask what specific care and that could open up a discussion about the issues you are observing. Maybe seeing the other dcg move up and hearing why her dcg isn't will give her the kick in the pants she needs to either help dcg to become more independent or consult with her doctor.

[Blackcat31]

If I may, the first thing I noticed was that you have compared her to the other child a couple times. I think that needs to NOT be part of the equation.

I think comparing her to anyone else is a bad direction to go and I think mom will sense the comparison too....kwim?

IF or when DCM notices the other child has moved to the next age group and asks or comments about it, just be as a factual as possible.

Simply say that there are a few developmental milestones that need to be met before anyone is moved. I'd then list those requirements. I'd make sure I did it with the confidence that her child will get there but in her own time.

If DCM then decides to push her child to rid herself of the bottle and begin walking, that's up to her. You can't make someone advance developmentally if they simply aren't ready.

Mom can beg, plead, comment, be sad, be happy or whatever, but her child has simply not met the requirements.

That is as far as I would go with any of it. She hasn't let go of the bottle, she hasn't walked yet and doesn't demonstrate any of the attention or social skills yet that you mentions.

NOT a bad thing. Just an individual thing.

[blandino]

Absolutely agree. My comparison was more something I was focusing on because the mom knows the two girls are the same age, and will more than likely be wondering why they aren't together anymore.

I really try to base it on a individual basis. Right now we have a 24 month old, who wasn't out with the big kids until 23 months because she just wasn't ready. Her parents aren't very involved in the daycare and never asked. This DCM is very involved and active with the daycare, knows all the kids, asks questions, etc. And because the girls are so close in age, I figured she would notice. the closeness in age, just seems to highlight the difference. Does that make sense ?

[Play Care]

I'd probably try to play it like this:

dcm: "I noticed that the other dcg moved up and mine hasn't, why is that?"

Me: "We transition on an individual basis here. Some kiddos are ready to move up at this point and some need a little longer. Dcg is where she will be receiving the specific care she needs."

At that point, she might ask what specific care and that could open up a discussion about the issues you are observing. Maybe seeing the other dcg move up and hearing why her dcg isn't will give her the kick in the pants she needs to either help dcg to become more independent or consult with her doctor.

I also agree with taking care not to mention the other child, though as you pointed out that isn't your issue but may be the mom the the child in question.