Should I Just Term Them and Be Done With It?

[Kabob]

So, I've previously posted about a dcb whose mom has greatly different and confusing ideas about how I should be feeding her child. I've since semi-resolved these issues, but yesterday after pick-up I started thinking that things are just going to get worse even with my constant reminders about my policies and constantly squashing her (dcm's) bad habits. As a result, I'm wondering if I should just term this family and be done with constantly stressing about this family or if I should just carry on with them since I think maybe I'm just over-stepping my boundaries.

To give some background, I've had the following issues with this family (I've only had them here 3 weeks)...let me know if you guys think maybe I'm just over-reacting about these things:

Issue #1: Scheduling. I told them from their very first interview that if they want a flexible schedule, they must give it to me by Monday at 6pm. If they don't, then they aren't guaranteed the spot. Consistent late scheduling is cause for termination because they would be taking up a spot of someone who can schedule the slot on a regular basis. I also charge a minimum fee to hold the full time infant spot for them should they schedule less than 3 days a week. Infant spots around here are very very tough to come by as most providers are full constantly (I am full for kids under SA right now for instance) so they will occasionally whine about "paying for days they aren't using" but I have held firm on this. What I slipped up on was allowing them to not respond to any messages asking if they intended to continue care here when they didn't submit their schedule on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Friday...Saturday dcm texts and says that her husband schedule is crazy so they won't be able to get it to me until Thursday and then will pay me on Fridays like usual. Mind you, it was SATURDAY when she said this and she had yet to give me the schedule for the upcoming Monday through Friday week. I told her that I can be flexible, but she needs to communicate better next time or else I can't be flexible. I charged her the usual fees and the usual rate and moved on. But their schedule is still crazy...one week I get dcb 2 days and another week I get her 4 days...totally not what I was told from day 1...they said 3 days a week minimum with some extra days needed here and there...

Issue #2: From day 1, dcb has sounded super congested and made horrible wheezing noises especially when laying down. She also spits up forcefully at least twice an hour. I change her clothes at least twice a day as bibs and burp cloths don't catch everything. I raised red flags about her breathing from day 1, especially since dcb can't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time without waking up with a junky sounding cough that leaves her gasping for air (she is slightly better if sleeping on a slanted pnp). I told dcm that she had to take dcb to the doctor before coming back because I was concerned for her safety while sleeping. Dcm listened and when to my son's pediatrician and returned with prescription medication for reflux with instructions to administer the medication twice a day for 30 days and then go back for reevaluation. BUT dcm said she didn't like giving dcb the medication and that it "smelled weird" so she only was giving it once a day (which I told her completely defeats the purpose because that type of medicine needs to be given correctly for it to fully work). I asked if she called the dr or pharmacist for help and she said she "didn't think to do that" and shrugged it off since she said since dcb seemed better, she wouldn't bother giving more than two doses. After 3 days of this, she decided not to give any meds and told me that I had to give dcb the ONE dose for the day since she "woke up late". I let it slide once (my bad) and suddenly she expected me to do this every day. On the third day, I put my foot down and said no. I felt bad since I was the only one giving her the meds but it was only because dcm didn't want to. Now dcb gets no meds and is back to square one with the wheezing, coughing, and spitting up.

Issue #3: Feeding. I fed dcb when she was hungry (she was 4 months at the time, now 5 months old), which intially was every 2-3 hours and fed her 4 oz as instructed by dcm. Dcm freaked out at pick up and said that I was feeding her too much formula (she provides it because she doesn't like the brand I provide) and that I should "ration" dcb so that she wouldn't get fat. I refused, saying that she was truly hungry and that I didn't just give her a bottle every time she cried (as dcm suggested that was what I was doing), but that she was truly hungry. I suggested maybe increasing the amount of formula if she wanted dcb to go 3-4 hours in between feedings. She did, and all was well until she came back after the weekend saying that dcb (then 4 months) had been eating solids all weekend (dcb can't even sit upright even in a highchair, so I never suggested introducing solids since she didn't seem developmentally ready) and rattled off a long list of foods she fed her, followed by "oh and she has this funny rash that is going away" and left. I fed dcb a couple of bites of applesauce, but dcb was not interested in it at all. Dcm freaked at pick up saying that at home she feeds dcb two 3-4 ounce jars of food at home and dcb is "definitely interested" and suggested I was lying. After 2 days of her freaking about the lack of solids here, I whipped out my daily sheet for dcb and the food program guidelines for infant feeding and told her that the reason why dcb doesn't eat so much solids here is because she is not ready. She is fed the recommended amount while here and I make sure to offer a bottle an hour or two before offering solids so that she is eating only what she wants to eat. Dcm responded with "that makes sense...at home I just substitute a jar of baby food for her bottle after she has gone 5 hours without a feeding." That is totally not what I would do, but I let it go since I can't control what she does at home and I feel wrong telling her how I feel since it's not my place to tell her how to feel her own child.

But the thing that really got to me was after all of this, I brought up how dcb has been more congested again and dcm responded with "yeeeeah...we took her to the dr about that and they thought she might have a respiratory infection so they did an x-ray. They didn't see anything though so they gave us an antibiotic for her to take. But she didn't like taking it so we quit giving it to her. Maybe we will give her some more of that since she is sooooo congested again." This sent up all sorts of red flags for me since I know that my son's pediatrician wouldn't just give an antibiotic for nothing (he had lots of ear infections but she would only give an antibiotic it absolutely necessary and then only the gentlest kind) and even so...antibiotics only work if you follow the instructions exactly.

I just want to term and be done with the worrying...tired of worrying about her breathing...tired of not taking the kids out while dcb is here for hear of aggravating her condition....tired of them yanking me around. Should I just put my foot down about this and keep them if they follow the rules? Should I just term them? Should I keep it to myself since I feel like I'm being really petty? I just don't know for sure...

[Brooksie]

I would term. That's too many issues for only being there 3 weeks. As for the respiratory infection I would stick by my policy. If a child is prescribed an antibiotic they need to be on it for a full 24 hours before returning to care. If they are given a diagnosis but NOT put on antibiotics (or not given them out of choice) the child may not return to care until they are COMPLETELY SYMPTOM FREE.

If you want to term just tell her its clearly not a good fit. Their wishes and your policies just don't land on the same page and you are unable to accommodate their needs for child care at this time. Send them on their way and go back to a stress free day.

[Blackcat31]

Ok, after reading all that you really do only have 2 choices.

Attempt to rectify the situation and enforce your rules/policies. This will be super hard to do because cleaning up a mess is a whole lot harder then preventing one so it WILL take some work on your part and some strict enforcement too....

OR

Term them and count your blessings that you won't/don't have to manage that mess anymore.....

You can't control what the parents do or don't do at home and if they aren't taking their child's medical issues seriously, I would NOT be willing to work with them...no way.

In my honest opinion, it IS fixable....it's just a matter of whether or not you are willing to do the hard work to fix it or if you have enough need in your community that you can just fill the spot and move on.

I'd go for terming....I am tired of trying to get families on the right track for little or no return.... I'm too old to "fix" some of the issues these kids come with now days...

[Kabob]

I dunno...I want to try to fix things because I feel like I'm failing otherwise. Every time I correct dcm she promises to do what I ask and then comes back with another issue. I feel like I'm nitpicking. My mom (who used to be a daycare provider) and dh both have been pushing me to term this family because they worry that I could be held liable if something happens to this baby because dcm is blowing off her breathing issues. So I'm torn. Today dcm asked again if I could give the one dose of medicine since dcm decided not to give baby any meds yesterday. I again told her no but after she said if I don't then baby will get worse so I felt bad for baby since she is indeed markedly worse today so I agreed to give the medicine today if she promised the give the second dose at home. She then lied and said she didn't know she was supposed to be giving two doses but promised to give it to her tonight...so we'll see...I know I'm a ****er for being easily guilted since I know there's no excuse for dcm not giving the meds entirely at home one dose or not.

[countrymom]

I would term. the breathing thing, and congestion thing could be something serious and contagious that everyone can catch it. Also if shes not willing to help her child get better than why should you, we can't fix everyone if they don't want to be fixed. And don't feel bad, trust me, this won't be moms first term from daycare.

[Blackcat31]

I dunno...I want to try to fix things because I feel like I'm failing otherwise. Every time I correct dcm she promises to do what I ask and then comes back with another issue. I feel like I'm nitpicking. My mom (who used to be a daycare provider) and dh both have been pushing me to term this family because they worry that I could be held liable if something happens to this baby because dcm is blowing off her breathing issues. So I'm torn. Today dcm asked again if I could give the one dose of medicine since dcm decided not to give baby any meds yesterday. I again told her no but after she said if I don't then baby will get worse so I felt bad for baby since she is indeed markedly worse today so I agreed to give the medicine today if she promised the give the second dose at home. She then lied and said she didn't know she was supposed to be giving two doses but promised to give it to her tonight...so we'll see...I know I'm a ****er for being easily guilted since I know there's no excuse for dcm not giving the meds entirely at home one dose or not.

What?! She is basically telling you that if you don't give HER child meds, the child will get worse and it'll be YOUR fault??????

No way!! I would never in a million years let anyone play me like that. This child is HER responsibility NOT yours! You need to put a stop to that.

SHE is the ONLY person (other than child's father) who is responsible for making sure the child gets the medical attention, including the meds that they need... for her to push that off onto you like she did is so wrong and completely disrespectful.

I understand your feelings about being a failure but you are NOT responsible for anything other than normal care and NOT the type of care this mom is putting onto you.... You will run yourself into the ground BOTH mentally and physically if you allow badly behaving parents to make you think you are a failure.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!

I still think that considering the attitude and manipulative behavior this mom shows to you, I'd seriously consider terming her but if you decide you really do want to keep this family, then you need to start placing the parental duties on the parent and enforcing your policies.

It'll be hard because this parent already thinks she can manipulate the situation so you'll have to be extra firm so she knows you mean it.

Start requiring medical attention for this child before accepting her into care. Require a doctor's statement with a clear diagnosis and treatment plan for the breathing issues. Require the parent to dispense the necessary medications to the child. DO NOT agree to do this yourself if the med dosage doesn't require a dose during the day when you have her.

Don't allow the mom to tell you, get a doctor's statement.

Also ANY time you believe the parent is skipping doses or not seeking medical attention when it is necessary, you need to call and report this to CPS.

If you are a licensed provider, you are required by law to report medical neglect. Ethically and morally, I believe you are also required to report even if you aren't licensed.

I am sorry you are going through this and this mom is treating you this way. I also feel sorry for the baby because her needs are being ignored by her own parents. Still NOT your responsibility but if you feel you really need to do something, then be a voice for that child and insist her parent do what is necessary for her well being. Including reporting to CPS if necessary.

Hang in there and keep posting as to what you decide to do, I am sure we can all help you along the way to get through this.

[Familycare71]

I would term based on the medical issues... Let alone the food issues. This woman has no intention of learning or doing better.
I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby struggle with breathing- a pretty key function to live!
As I see it- be willing to keep this battle up for however long baby is there or term and move on.
You didn't fail!!! The Mom is failing!!! Unfortunately no matter how hard we try we cannot make people good parents.

:hug:

[cheerfuldom]

here's the bottom line and I apologize if this feels harsh....I do think this situation is fixable but I don't think that you OP are personally ready and willing to do what it takes to get the job done. That would include standing up for yourself and your business, turning this child away from the door if she has not had her medicine, sending her home everytime she is struggling at daycare due to lack of medical treatment, and calling mom out on every bit of disrespect. I advise you to term because I dont think you have it in you to really do what it takes to get this situation back on track. Its better for you to go ahead and term before this kid gets horribly sick or worse while in your care.

For instance, if I knew that mom had not given child a dose, I would require she do it right there at the daycare before leaving or I would send them both home. There is no way I would take the responsibility or guilt of keeping this child properly medicated and I would have no problem standing up for myself if a mom was to try and put that guilt on me.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

here's the bottom line and I apologize if this feels harsh....I do think this situation is fixable but I don't think that you OP are personally ready and willing to do what it takes to get the job done. That would include standing up for yourself and your business, turning this child away from the door if she has not had her medicine, sending her home everytime she is struggling at daycare due to lack of medical treatment, and calling mom out on every bit of disrespect. I advise you to term because I dont think you have it in you to really do what it takes to get this situation back on track. Its better for you to go ahead and term before this kid gets horribly sick or worse while in your care.

For instance, if I knew that mom had not given child a dose, I would require she do it right there at the daycare before leaving or I would send them both home. There is no way I would take the responsibility or guilt of keeping this child properly medicated and I would have no problem standing up for myself if a mom was to try and put that guilt on me.

Those are the things that are necessary. I would NOT accept a child that hadn't been medicated prior to arrival into care nor would I accept a child with undiagnosed breathing issues into care. There is NO WAY I would accept that liability!

[Kabob]

Thanks for the replies...I guess I just needed reinforcement. I used to manage a staff of 60+ people so I had no problem sticking firmly to policy or else it was chaos...I had 30+ yr olds throwing temper tantrums from time to time but it didn't bother me. So I've been super hard on myself for not sticking to my own policies. I know I can be the tough guy if I have to...just was suddenly hard to stand firm in this case...whatever the reason, I tapped into my inner manager and was much more firm with dcm at pick up today. I told her in no uncertain terms that I will not be giving the baby medicine and that I expect her to bring baby fed and given any other appropriate items/medicine before she arrives from now on. Also said that since she won't be back until Tuesday, I expect her to to use that time to get a dr's note about her breathing issues or I won't provide care. She was taken aback and said "oh...guess I should be more careful from now on..." I told her that I have her child's well-being in mind and also the well-being of the other children. She just said no problem and just left after that. Hoping she follows through. I swear this family seemed so easy from the interview...said and did all the right things...my bad for not catching it sooner...I knew I would be dealing with some tough parents...just wasn't expecting this type of situation.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Thanks for the replies...I guess I just needed reinforcement. I used to manage a staff of 60+ people so I had no problem sticking firmly to policy or else it was chaos...I had 30+ yr olds throwing temper tantrums from time to time but it didn't bother me. So I've been super hard on myself for not sticking to my own policies. I know I can be the tough guy if I have to...just was suddenly hard to stand firm in this case...whatever the reason, I tapped into my inner manager and was much more firm with dcm at pick up today. I told her in no uncertain terms that I will not be giving the baby medicine and that I expect her to bring baby fed and given any other appropriate items/medicine before she arrives from now on. Also said that since she won't be back until Tuesday, I expect her to to use that time to get a dr's note about her breathing issues or I won't provide care. She was taken aback and said "oh...guess I should be more careful from now on..." I told her that I have her child's well-being in mind and also the well-being of the other children. She just said no problem and just left after that. Hoping she follows through. I swear this family seemed so easy from the interview...said and did all the right things...my bad for not catching it sooner...I knew I would be dealing with some tough parents...just wasn't expecting this type of situation.

Make her be a Mom.

[Kabob]

Just wanted to say that since my chat with dcm, things have been much better. Baby has been getting all meds at home and as a result the breathing issues have gotten much better. Got all paperwork on baby and apparently she has a follow up appt the end of this month. Also no more feeding issues...dcm said she agreed that she was going too fast on the solids after baby had major bowel issues over the weekend and dr confirmed what I said. So happy baby is doing better...I just gotta keep up my "manager" voice when I'm dealing with dcm...although she still is always finding things to push me on...like assuming she could pick up after hours hours without prior approval (which was nipped in the bud) or complaining about my rate since apparently all babies do is just "sit there". Le sigh. I guess nobody is perfect...goodness knows I've got lots to learn.

[Familycare71]

Just wanted to say that since my chat with dcm, things have been much better. Baby has been getting all meds at home and as a result the breathing issues have gotten much better. Got all paperwork on baby and apparently she has a follow up appt the end of this month. Also no more feeding issues...dcm said she agreed that she was going too fast on the solids after baby had major bowel issues over the weekend and dr confirmed what I said. So happy baby is doing better...I just gotta keep up my "manager" voice when I'm dealing with dcm...although she still is always finding things to push me on...like assuming she could pick up after hours hours without prior approval (which was nipped in the bud) or complaining about my rate since apparently all babies do is just "sit there". Le sigh. I guess nobody is perfect...goodness knows I've got lots to learn.

Good for you!!!happyface
Think of this mom like going to the gym for your backbone!! :: sounds like she will give you lots of practice using it

[Leigh]

What?! She is basically telling you that if you don't give HER child meds, the child will get worse and it'll be YOUR fault??????

No way!! I would never in a million years let anyone play me like that. This child is HER responsibility NOT yours! You need to put a stop to that.

SHE is the ONLY person (other than child's father) who is responsible for making sure the child gets the medical attention, including the meds that they need... for her to push that off onto you like she did is so wrong and completely disrespectful.

I understand your feelings about being a failure but you are NOT responsible for anything other than normal care and NOT the type of care this mom is putting onto you.... You will run yourself into the ground BOTH mentally and physically if you allow badly behaving parents to make you think you are a failure.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!

I still think that considering the attitude and manipulative behavior this mom shows to you, I'd seriously consider terming her but if you decide you really do want to keep this family, then you need to start placing the parental duties on the parent and enforcing your policies.

It'll be hard because this parent already thinks she can manipulate the situation so you'll have to be extra firm so she knows you mean it.

Start requiring medical attention for this child before accepting her into care. Require a doctor's statement with a clear diagnosis and treatment plan for the breathing issues. Require the parent to dispense the necessary medications to the child. DO NOT agree to do this yourself if the med dosage doesn't require a dose during the day when you have her.

Don't allow the mom to tell you, get a doctor's statement.

Also ANY time you believe the parent is skipping doses or not seeking medical attention when it is necessary, you need to call and report this to CPS.

If you are a licensed provider, you are required by law to report medical neglect. Ethically and morally, I believe you are also required to report even if you aren't licensed.

I am sorry you are going through this and this mom is treating you this way. I also feel sorry for the baby because her needs are being ignored by her own parents. Still NOT your responsibility but if you feel you really need to do something, then be a voice for that child and insist her parent do what is necessary for her well being. Including reporting to CPS if necessary.

Hang in there and keep posting as to what you decide to do, I am sure we can all help you along the way to get through this.

Glad things are better...you could not have received better advice than this post. Keep an eye on the situation, though-Mom does NOT sound "right" in the head.