Child Says "You Hurt Me"

[nannyde]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

Oh it wouldn't be a secret. I would be saying it in front of them, by email, and text.

If I had a kid claiming I hurt them their parent would know five seconds later by text, skype, email, carrier pidgeon... whatever was the fastest.

[sharlan]

I recently went through something similar with my 3 1/2 yo. She was coming up with all sorts of stories - Daddy choked me at breakfast - Mommy ran over me with her car - I have snakes in my hair - Mommy kicked me in the face - Mommy got mad and punched me - Mommy, Daddy, Grandma pinched me.

I talked to both of the parents about the stories, divorced parents who don't always get along, and how upset I was about them. I wasn't sure she wasn't going home and saying that I was hurting her somehow. Both parents assured me that she hadn't said anything about me hurting her and hadn't heard the stories at home.

I sat down with her a couple of times and told her that it wasn't nice to make up stories about people hurting her. We talked about the difference between real and make believe. We talked about how she needed to tell an adult if she was really hurt, but not to make up stories about being hurt.

Thankfully, it stopped right away.

Personally, I would NEVER encourage one of my kids to tease another one.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I recently went through something similar with my 3 1/2 yo. She was coming up with all sorts of stories - Daddy choked me at breakfast - Mommy ran over me with her car - I have snakes in my hair - Mommy kicked me in the face - Mommy got mad and punched me - Mommy, Daddy, Grandma pinched me.

I talked to both of the parents about the stories, divorced parents who don't always get along, and how upset I was about them. I wasn't sure she wasn't going home and saying that I was hurting her somehow. Both parents assured me that she hadn't said anything about me hurting her and hadn't heard the stories at home.

I sat down with her a couple of times and told her that it wasn't nice to make up stories about people hurting her. We talked about the difference between real and make believe. We talked about how she needed to tell an adult if she was really hurt, but not to make up stories about being hurt.

Thankfully, it stopped right away.

Personally, I would NEVER encourage one of my kids to tease another one.

This! Absolutely agree!
OP, please talk to the parents.

[Brooksie]

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

Agree with this. DO NOT "beat him to the punch". That is not good advice. At all. Its very disrespectful and is only going to make things worse. Or it stands on the same plane as actually hurting him. It might actually make him stop faster, but its going to have much longer lasting negative affects on him socially and emotionally. Do the right thing. please.

[MissAnn]

We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.

If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.

[MizzCheryl]

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

[JoseyJo]

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

Agreed!

[SilverSabre25]

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

Agreed!

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:
Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

[nannyde]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:
Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

You say it's mocking. I say it's changing the subject. You are assuming their is some kind of meaness or nastiness. If done with the right tone and consistency during the dilution phase it is completely painless.

[nannyde]

We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.

If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

[JoseyJo]

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:
Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

Not saying the word "lie" is a bad word- just that the sentence- "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."- depending on the tone, may sound really bad coming back out of a child's mouth. When I read that sentence I read into it a lot of attitude and a tone of voice I wouldn't want any of my dc parents to hear me using w/ their child. It may be that you don't say it that way at all.

I guess it may really depend on the tone, same as the Nanny De advice. I am not sure about calling the child by the word/phrase you dont like or nicknaming them it. I don't really understand how that would work/help. But I DO I think there is more to it than we are understanding by reading about it.

I would NEVER tease, mock, bully, or name call anyone, let alone a child! And I would never encourage anyone to tease anyone else. I was bullied as a child and will not stand for it!

To me it seems like it would work the same as saying something really silly when a child asks for the 100th time what we are having for lunch. Taking the power out of the question (that is not really a question after you have answered it the first time, it is just an inappropriate attention getter) by making it into something more appropriate.

- On a side note- My "mommy, mommy" little one started it up after nap when he was still tired but needed to head to the bathroom to go potty (we are potty training I started singing the silly mommy mommy song and he stopped the whine/cry and started singing it with me, giggled, and said I was silly Then he went in and went potty and when about his day!

[MizzCheryl]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

As a parent I would think, this lady is a genius, wow I am lucky to have her as my childcare provider. Then I would say, "Come on Hermie, lets go home".

[Heidi]

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

Can we have a link...please?

[nannyde]

This! Absolutely agree!
OP, please talk to the parents.

Shug there are kids who you can tell to knock it off. That's a good start. But read the op a couple of times. ALL of it. That kid is not one of them. That kid has been told already.

Here's the root behavior: kid as a new one year old starts getting handsy with Mom...slaps her two handed then one handed over time. He bites her shoulder then moves upward over time to her neck then face. He flails and kicks when she has him go down or away. Every time he does that from one to two she says: stop you are hurting mommy. Every time he hears her words to stop he bursts into crying. By 2 and a half he's escalated it to kicking her and pulling on her. She says over and over... stop you're hurting mommy. When he implodes with crying she HUGS HIM... softens her voice and coddles him. Every time he's in trouble for being physical with her the end game is cuddling and apologies from mommy who has just been whacked.

That goes on until HE can talk. When HE can talk he is bigger and stronger. Now he can put force into his refusals. When he gets physical with her or she has to intercede between him and harms way he cries out YOU HURT ME. The bigger the resistance ... the stronger he refuses her intercession the more she ends up hugging him and trying to settle him.

So by the time he's three he associates “you hurt me" with two things... adult affection and the no that got him with adults hands on him to go away or be blindsided by the topic HE wants the tables to turn to... the adult.

When he gets out into public or to any non parental units he gets even more. The reaction other adults give to him is fear. He doesn't understand it but he learns really quickly that whatever he did or doesn't want to do stops dead cold with those three little words. 3 years old with 3 little words can ruin someone's livlihood and even freedom.

By the time he lays that one on a non parent he gets immediately that the reaction is super intense and immediate. He doesn't know why buthe knows... human baby animals smell fear before they can spell fear.

So my response is to throw him completely off balance. Give him FOREIGN response. Give him something he's never seen before... but most of all get him back to the no that brought us all here in the first place.

That's what I'm after. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to counsel him out of it. I don't want in his gig. I don't want any bit of my energy to go to his three words. I get those words to do with as I see fit. I decide their weight. I can't leave them lying around for him to pick back up and hurl them at my freedom... my ability to raise my kid... my nurses license.

Nope... I own them now.

So I choose to turn them into SOMETHING that I can use each and every time he brings them out to play. In fact, I will bring them out to play... and eventually they will become a.part of us... a part of a layered inside joke that we just get. By the time we are done with it it won't look a bit like it did when he brought it into my house. And in the meantime he will learn that the cycle that taught him to get his way and get him loads of lovins and oh hunnies... doesn't work everywhere.It gets him nothing but what he was getting before he said those words. That's the seat I want him to sit in.

[makap]

You say it's mocking. I say it's changing the subject. You are assuming their is some kind of meaness or nastiness. If done with the right tone and consistency during the dilution phase it is completely painless.

Now I get it! Now I agree. Yes! And I too have done it. It is not done to be mean which I could never do to a child, It is a form of redirection!