How Do You Talk To Parents When You Know It's Them....Not You..

[WImom]

..with regards to their child's behavior. I know alot of the problems I'm having with this child would go away if the parents would change. About 6 months ago the dad would always tell DCB that he'd have to go to the old DC if he didn't behave here (he didn't like the old place). He will also tell DCB he'll have to sit in his room all night for behavior problems, etc. Just so many empty threats.

The other Day DCB said to another child " I'm a trouble Maker so I'm just going to keep this". (Referring to a toy he took from them).

I've never called him that. I hear him say things that I'm sure he is getting from his 10y old brother or parents all the time. Just stuff like today when he wanted a coloring book that was out of his reach. He told me "I want that so your going to get it for me."

How to talk to the parents about labeling, etc? I've totally had enough of this child but I can not terminate right now due to losing a bunch of kids to K5 this September. I also think this kid has potential to be a great kid and don't want to give up since he's not being physical to the others. I have communicated with the parents several times and we've tried different things but I really think it's them. I don't want to offend but I don't think things will change here if they don't at home. He is going to be 4years old in September.

[daycare]

If I could do this, I would have awesome kids......

THis is what I do tell parents, NO ONE will EVER threaten any child in any way when they are in my home NOR will they make bribes...Like if Miss so and so says you are good today I will give you candy....

ZERO.... If parents start to say it, I will remind them NO sorry that won't happen here.

I would also probably tell DCK not only the above, but if he really needs to place an immediate consequence, it has to be something that dad does right then and there and dad follows through..

I had a parent tell their kid if you don't behave today, I will tie you to the roof of the car on the ride home. I looked at the parents and said is that really going to happen???? they looked at me with a ... I looked at the parent and said please be sure to resolve any personal or behavioral matters before your arrival. I will do the same for you.

Kids are smart and they take it all in. This is why I refuse to talk about negative behavior infront of the child to the parents during pick up. Perhaps you should tell DCP this, even thought they probably think they already know this......

[Childminder]

I don't know either. I have a parent that is taking her 2yr son in to the doctor tomorrow because he won't sleep for her. Literally screams for hours and is now being locked in his bedroom and left to scream. Naps and nights. He screamed last night for three hours, woke at 7 and came here today at 3:30 without a nap. I immediately laid him down with mom here and he didn't make a peep, fell right to sleep.

His behavior is horrible and mean because he doesn't get enough sleep. I'm surprised CPS hasn't been call on her by the neighbors. In fact I have been thinking about it and have not because it is all hearsay. Or is it? WWYD?

[Blackcat31]

..with regards to their child's behavior. I know alot of the problems I'm having with this child would go away if the parents would change. About 6 months ago the dad would always tell DCB that he'd have to go to the old DC if he didn't behave here (he didn't like the old place). He will also tell DCB he'll have to sit in his room all night for behavior problems, etc. Just so many empty threats.

The other Day DCB said to another child " I'm a trouble Maker so I'm just going to keep this". (Referring to a toy he took from them).

I've never called him that. I hear him say things that I'm sure he is getting from his 10y old brother or parents all the time. Just stuff like today when he wanted a coloring book that was out of his reach. He told me "I want that so your going to get it for me."

How to talk to the parents about labeling, etc? I've totally had enough of this child but I can not terminate right now due to losing a bunch of kids to K5 this September. I also think this kid has potential to be a great kid and don't want to give up since he's not being physical to the others. I have communicated with the parents several times and we've tried different things but I really think it's them. I don't want to offend but I don't think things will change here if they don't at home. He is going to be 4years old in September.

In my honest opinion....you don't. Parents will RARELY, if ever be receptive to being told they are wrong, parenting wrong or doing anything that negatively affects their child...kwim?

What I do instead is document some of the behaviors that I see occurring and then let the parents know that those behaviors are NOT acceptable or tolerated in my program and what the consequences will be for them.

For example, when he is being aggressive or forceful with actions or words towards the other kids, he will get a check mark. After 3 check marks in one day, he will be required to sit and/or play alone until pick up.

If possible, I would also try and show or encourage him to find alternate methods of obtaining what it is he wants...rather than being so rude/aggressive towards the other.

The name calling (even about himself) is NOT ok. Again, I would simply tell the parents what YOU are seeing while he is at your house and tell them those things are NOT acceptable.

Work out some sort of plan for action but also let the parents know you are expecting them to support your need to see better more positive behavior while he is in your home.

Many times children are awful or terribly behaved at home but perfectly capable of being awesome at daycare or school.

Bottom line, I would approach the bad behaviors ONLY as issues at your house and leave their role in it out of it. Parents usually get pretty snippy when you start pointing fingers...kwim?

[daycare]

parents do not understand the real damage that they are doing to their children by not being able to tell them NO>

just yesterday I had a child age 4 come in a Pull up. has been PT since age 2. I call mom and ask whats up?? DCM says oh he refused to use the toilet this morning or change his clothing.....WTH who is the parent here??? Going to the bathroom is not an option.....why would you give them the option to go back in a pull up???

honestly, I do what works for me here and keep it here. I let parents do the same. Sometimes, I do have issues where the what the parents are not doing affects here and I will tell them, but I know that is all it will be. ME telling them and them not doing anything about it....Like my one family who does not put their 16 month old to bed until 11:45pm. Because that is when the parents go to bed. So the DCK comes here to sleep ALL and I mean ALL day. I told the DCM one time. I hate for you to waste you money on just sending the child here to sleep all day long when they could do that at home....NOPE nothing, they still do it..............

[MarinaVanessa]

parents do not understand the real damage that they are doing to their children by not being able to tell them NO>

Tell me about it. I once had a DCM actually tell me not to use the word "NO" with or around her child ... she expected me to not use the word at all around her child even if I was using it towards another child .

I told her no. ::

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

How do I talk to them? I don't. I just establish what the rules are HERE and make the child obey them whether their parent is here or not.

[WImom]

Gotcha. Was hopping he'd catch on here after almost a year. I have other kids that act one way here another at home but he acts the same at both places.

Probably doesn't help that recently I found out they were telling DCB that I'm not going to want him here anymore if he doesn't behave.
Found that out after DCB kept telling me he wasn't coming here anymore.

[daycare]

Tell me about it. I once had a DCM actually tell me not to use the word "NO" with or around her child ... she expected me to not use the word at all around her child even if I was using it towards another child .

I told her no. ::

ahahahha....this woman sounds like my sister........

[Cradle2crayons]

How do I talk to them? I don't. I just establish what the rules are HERE and make the child obey them whether their parent is here or not.

same here.

My daycare three sibling set are allowed to rule the roost. All three sleep with mama... All three eat and drink soda all day as they wish... None of them follow any rules at home. They even abuse their cat and dog at home.

Here, completely different ball game. Took me about two days to break all those habits. Now I have no problems with any of them. They don't go outside without permission, don't touch an animal without permission, aren't allowed in the kitchen without permission. The first two days was a LOT of reminders that the rules here are different and they would be expected to follow them. NO EXCEPTIONS. At home they still act and do whatever they want. Here, they go by MY rules.

[Blackcat31]

Gotcha. Was hopping he'd catch on here after almost a year. I have other kids that act one way here another at home but he acts the same at both places.

Probably doesn't help that recently I found out they were telling DCB that I'm not going to want him here anymore if he doesn't behave.
Found that out after DCB kept telling me he wasn't coming here anymore.

You know, it really sounds like the parents are DESPERATELY trying to control his behavior and are using whatever tactics they think work.

Insulting, degrading and threatening your child though isn't considered appropriate or acceptable ways to discipline or guide.

How sad for the child.... he really IS only a product of his environment and I am willing to bet he acts up to get attention because for a kid ANY attention is better than none. I also bet he suffers from really low self-esteem.

I had a little one like that not too long ago. Sad to say, I tried everything I could and even bluntly told the parents they were basically abusing their child by using name calling, guilt trips and petty childish behaviors as discipline.

Mom's only response was "Well, nothing else seems to work"

Maybe you could try and find some ways to support positive behaviors with him and then share that with his parents by saying something like "Oh, I found something that seems to work with DCB and just HAD to share with you so you could maybe do this at home with him"

Sometimes parents are just as clueless and lost as the child and instead of seeking or searching out help, they resort to behaviors a child would use because it is all they got.

[Unregistered]

same here.

My daycare three sibling set are allowed to rule the roost. All three sleep with mama... All three eat and drink soda all day as they wish... None of them follow any rules at home. They even abuse their cat and dog at home.

Here, completely different ball game. Took me about two days to break all those habits. Now I have no problems with any of them. They don't go outside without permission, don't touch an animal without permission, aren't allowed in the kitchen without permission. The first two days was a LOT of reminders that the rules here are different and they would be expected to follow them. NO EXCEPTIONS. At home they still act and do whatever they want. Here, they go by MY rules.

I needed to hear all of this. I have one who rules the roost at home and I mean this child is spoiled beyond anything i have ever seen. At two he has a iPad and when his parents pick him up he just grabs their phone, keys, digs in mom's purse, runs out the door...crazy! He usually comes with a big ole cup of juice or some other toy that the parents "couldn't get them to leave in the car" but as soon as the child comes in he refuses to share. However...things here are very different in my home when the parents leave and the child has adjusted very well. This child very rarely gets a time out because he knows that consequences will follow if you do not follow the rules. Very simple...and I think the child is much happier with boundaries then being left on their own to run wild. I have tried to talk to the parents but they just don't get it and think that it's ok that their child is so spoiled..."what can you do" kind of attitude. They bribe the child for everything including just getting in the car. I'm serious...they keep candy in the car to bribe him to get in his car seat! I've decided to leave it alone unless it affects me. We are actually very happy during the day and it's sad to have it different at home but...it's out of my hands. So far the child has adjusted well and is doing well in day care...but I would document anything that seemed weird just to be safe.

[Mister Sir Husband]

Tell me about it. I once had a DCM actually tell me not to use the word "NO" with or around her child ... she expected me to not use the word at all around her child even if I was using it towards another child .

I told her no. ::

Perfect.

[Laurel]

Tell me about it. I once had a DCM actually tell me not to use the word "NO" with or around her child ... she expected me to not use the word at all around her child even if I was using it towards another child .

I told her no. ::

:: :: ::

Laurel