Give A Break Or Use My Backbone

[daycare]

thanks ladies...Like I said I know that I need to use my backbone, but this is where I am weak. Issues like the ones that these parents are going through melts me and I am notorious for caving in.

I took all of your advice and told DCM NO to everything and charged the late fee as well. Sometimes I need to be reminded of WHY I should do something, so thank you all who chimed in to share your thoughts about this with me.

[daycare]

So what's the difference between DCD picking up at your house to spent time with DCG and DCD picking up at their house? There is no need for you to get involved, there is no need for you to be inconvenienced. This is DCM and DCD's divorce, child and family .... not yours. If DCM doesn't want to see DCD for the swap TOUGH. she needs to put her big girl panties on and be an adult. There are other arrangement she can make.

BC has a great letter just for this purpose ... it explains what to expect from you as a DC provider and what you expect from them in the situation of a divorce. It's a great letter. I used it and changed a few*things to fit me and I've used it since. It was a lifesaver.

Maybe BC can post the original letter.

thanks so much MV...... yesterday was probably a day that ranked up there as one of the worst days of DCK in my 10 years..... I guess by the end of the day my brain and emotions were just drained.......

I do have that letter that BC posted about divorce a year or so ago. I love that letter, but like you would need to tweak it, just don't even know where to start....

[TheGoodLife]

thanks ladies...Like I said I know that I need to use my backbone, but this is where I am weak. Issues like the ones that these parents are going through melts me and I am notorious for caving in.

I took all of your advice and told DCM NO to everything and charged the late fee as well. Sometimes I need to be reminded of WHY I should do something, so thank you all who chimed in to share your thoughts about this with me.

I would feel bad as well, but I'm glad you stuck to your contract- people who assume DCPs' jobs include taking care of the parents' needs need to think about what they are asking and if they'd be willing to do the same thing in their own jobs (I'm sure a boss expecting them to work an hour extra and not be notified prior or paid would NOT sit well with them, especially if not they are not in a high-salary, executive-type job!) It sounds like you care a lot about your DCK, and that is wonderful, that is your job. The parents' jobs are to make decisions that work for them and hopefully support their child. I hope things work out well for the little boy!

[daycare]

I would feel bad as well, but I'm glad you stuck to your contract- people who assume DCPs' jobs include taking care of the parents' needs need to think about what they are asking and if they'd be willing to do the same thing in their own jobs (I'm sure a boss expecting them to work an hour extra and not be notified prior or paid would NOT sit well with them, especially if not they are not in a high-salary, executive-type job!) It sounds like you care a lot about your DCK, and that is wonderful, that is your job. The parents' jobs are to make decisions that work for them and hopefully support their child. I hope things work out well for the little boy!

Lately I feel like I need to add to my PHB I am not your family counselor, therapist or such....I get DCFs coming in here complaining about their spouse to me, their job, or what not. I just look at them and smile and say, I am sorry to hear that..... BUt it's getting old having to hear it...I feel like saying, unless it is about your child, I don't really care to discuss it........... BUT I don't have that kind of backbone...

If I were an ice cream, I would not even be soft serve. I would be melted ice cream on the ground.

[julie]

YES charge the late fee. I hope it's HUGE. Also add a warning in that the next time this happens and you can't reach her after she is an HOUR LATE that you will call the police to report child abandonment and she will be IMMMEDIATELY TERMINATED with no refund of fees.

No, I would not help her out by allowing her to change pick up til 6. I would say her contracted pick-up is all you are willing to offer. I wouldn't even offer til your regular closing time because she WILL be late. Give yourself a cushion.

I realize that you feel bad for this family, but they are creating their own problems. And instead of owning their bad behavior, they are asking YOU to adapt. You didn't decide to get divorced. You are already spending tons of "quality time" with the kid. Let them figure out the non-contracted hours, but I would be nipping this asking for special in the bud now. Otherwise, be prepared for them to ask a lot more out of you.

[Starburst]

She made no apology. No response to texts or calls. Yes I would charge. She would be lucky if I didn't term for that behavior.

She can meet dcd somewhere else for his time with the child. The child sow ding and extra 1.5 hours with you does not = more time with dad. Give me a break. She wants special.

Also she was over an hour late with no call or way to contact her, she's luck you didn't call the police. Some daycares have a 3 strikes (or even a 1 stike) rule where if the parent doesn't make the effort to contact the provider to say they are going to be late (especially one hour) that they will call CPS or the police department because for all they know there was an accident or the parents are abandoning their child or it could be a sign of neglect by frequently forgetting the child. One of my CD teachers (the former FCCP) said that if its about a 1/2 hour to 1 hour late and you can't get ahold of the parents that you should report it.

When my old boss started her business (around the 1970s/80s) she had one kid when she was in the process of getting licensed where on the first day the mom was 2 hours late picking him up and then my boss got worried so she decided to call the cops. It turns out the mom was a prostitute and abandoned her son! The poor kid had to be put in foster care because his mother never came back to claim him and they couldn't find any family members to release him to.

But if your DCM would have said that she was going to be an hour late ahead of time or even called you to let you know before pick up time I would have considered giving her a break or just a minimum flat fee for overtime (with the notice) but since she didn't, I would charge it because they are still responsible for giving you notice of changes to schedules BEFORE it happens.

Also like a PP mentioned don't get wrapped up in their drama by staying open later for ONLY them. And as another PP mentioned it doesn't make sense for you to extend your hours only so DCD can be the one to pick him up to spend time with him; he's not going to be with him for that hour and he could always spend that time with mom. He can always pick DCK up at DCM's house- they may not like each other right now but they still need to be civil for the sake of their son. Like my psychology teacher said "When you are a parent, you have to build your life around your child. Not the other way around". I would tell them "I'm sorry but these are my new hours, and I am sticking to them. I try to be fair to all my DCFs and if I offer you extended hours I will have to offer other families extended hours and I am just not comfortable doing that anymore. You will have to find another arrangement for pick up or another arrangement for child care."

[Starburst]

thanks ladies...Like I said I know that I need to use my backbone, but this is where I am weak. Issues like the ones that these parents are going through melts me and I am notorious for caving in.

I took all of your advice and told DCM NO to everything and charged the late fee as well. Sometimes I need to be reminded of WHY I should do something, so thank you all who chimed in to share your thoughts about this with me.

It seems like you have been having a lot of issues with ungreatful parents lately.

[MyAngels]

It seems like you have been having a lot of issues with ungreatful parents lately.

That's what I was thinking, too. How in the world do you find these people? I'd never have lasted 2 years in this business, let alone 20, if I had to put up with things like this.

:hug: to you as you try to deal with everything.

[daycare]

If I told you guys HALF the stuff that I deal with on a daily basis, you would not believe me. I feel like I am offering care for the real house wives of___________________________.

I also know that it has to do with the fact that from the start I did not make my backbone KNOWN to a lot of these families and then had a heck of a time when I decided enough was enough and I needed to put my foot down.

Over the last several years I have realized that many of these families mistaken my niceness as a weakness.

[MarinaVanessa]

I would feel bad as well, but I'm glad you stuck to your contract- people who assume DCPs' jobs include taking care of the parents' needs need to think about what they are asking and if they'd be willing to do the same thing in their own jobs (I'm sure a boss expecting them to work an hour extra and not be notified prior or paid would NOT sit well with them, especially if not they are not in a high-salary, executive-type job!) It sounds like you care a lot about your DCK, and that is wonderful, that is your job. The parents' jobs are to make decisions that work for them and hopefully support their child. I hope things work out well for the little boy!

I agree with Mama.

I think we would ALL feel bad if we were in your position Daycare ... I know I would. Our profession is a little different because we work with children and even though this is our profession we tend to grow right along with the children and the children stay with us for years the majority of the time. We grow bonds with them to learn to love them, it's hard not to. We also tend to form relationships with the children's families so even though business is business the strings of "personal" get tugged on at times. It's ok to feel bad for them, but we must remember that even when we want to help we may in fact be overstepping our boundaries. KWIM?

Here is my version of BC's letter. HTH give you ideas on how to personalize it. I don't think that I changed it much though.

[daycare]

I agree with Mama.

I think we would ALL feel bad if we were in your position Daycare ... I know I would. Our profession is a little different because we work with children and even though this is our profession we tend to grow right along with the children and the children stay with us for years the majority of the time. We grow bonds with them to learn to love them, it's hard not to. We also tend to form relationships with the children's families so even though business is business the strings of "personal" get tugged on at times. It's ok to feel bad for them, but we must remember that even when we want to help we may in fact be overstepping our boundaries. KWIM?

Here is my version of BC's letter. HTH give you ideas on how to personalize it. I don't think that I changed it much though.

I feel like sometimes my emotions just cant stop getting in the way. YOu are right in what you say about getting attached to the families and the kids. I am very fond of this family, they are wonderful people. I know part of me wants to just be able to fix everything, but it's not my place, nor would I even try....

[Blackcat31]

Over the last several years I have realized that many of these families mistaken my niceness as a weakness.

This is definitely true for a lot of provider/parent relationships.

Just because I am VERY strict and VERY business like in my policies and such, does not mean I don't care or that I don't truly feel for a family's situation.

Same goes for being nice. Just because you care and are a nice person, doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't enforce your policies and rules.

It's a lot like the "positive-negative" trick most everyone was taught at some point in their life. You know, say something positive BEFORE the negative and follow it up with a positive.

I'd tell the mom how sorry I was about her personal situation and let her know I do care about her and her child(ren). I would then address the business issues I had with the situation (the late fee etc) and then follow up by saying something positive like I am glad I can be a stable influence in DCK's life right now as the parents deal with their issues.

It lets clients know I DO empathize and care but I am still a business FIRST...although it is on a more personal level than most.

It's a fine line and balancing it is tough...but still doable.

[daycare]

This is definitely true for a lot of provider/parent relationships.

Just because I am VERY strict and VERY business like in my policies and such, does not mean I don't care or that I don't truly feel for a family's situation.

Same goes for being nice. Just because you care and are a nice person, doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't enforce your policies and rules.

It's a lot like the "positive-negative" trick most everyone was taught at some point in their life. You know, say something positive BEFORE the negative and follow it up with a positive.

I'd tell the mom how sorry I was about her personal situation and let her know I do care about her and her child(ren). I would then address the business issues I had with the situation (the late fee etc) and then follow up by saying something positive like I am glad I can be a stable influence in DCK's life right now as the parents deal with their issues.

It lets clients know I DO empathize and care but I am still a business FIRST...although it is on a more personal level than most.

It's a fine line and balancing it is tough...but still doable.

OMG so ture BC....

as each day passes, I am still learning in this business. I hate having to deal with all the drama that comes with it and just wish that I could spend all of my time focused on the kids having fun, teaching, loving, and just giving them all of my attention....

and with that, our bus leaves here in a few for our fantasy road trip......

[Bookworm]

That's what I was thinking, too. How in the world do you find these people? I'd never have lasted 2 years in this business, let alone 20, if I had to put up with things like this.

:hug: to you as you try to deal with everything.

Sometimes I think there is an invisible sign that appears out of nowhere every once and a while that says, "We now have an opening for a crazy family". And only the crazies can see it.

[daycare]

Sometimes I think there is an invisible sign that appears out of nowhere every once and a while that says, "We now have an opening for a crazy family". And only the crazies can see it.

that is sooo funny...