12 Month Old Slapper....

[Willow]

I've got a kiddo who is physically and mentally well beyond 12 months. He was cruising at 7 months, walking at 8 and running by 9. He is super strong and although he's still largely non verbal he's a pretty smart cookie. My trouble is and he tests authority as if he was smack dab in the middle of his terrible twos. It's pretty near constant at this point. An example, while I'm making lunch no one is allowed in the kitchen. My living room is dedicated to my infants. There is plenty to occupy him and he's not particularly clingy but wouldn't you know the second he sees me starting up lunch he will bee line for the stove with this snarky little grin on his face. He shows zero interest in the kitchen all day otherwise but as soon as he knows I'll keep him out of there he HAS to get in. All I do is put him back in the living room.....over and over and over again. he will literally toe the line between carpet and laminate sorting out how far he can push it. He'll pitch toys into the kitchen so he has a reason to cross (I think this is hilarious and demonstrates just how smart he is but for obvious safety reasons I need a clear boundary). Every single day is a power struggle. The bigs are fine playing on their own and my other two littles don't test at all so it's no big deal to remain consistent, but if that just gives you an idea of his personality at this point.

My trouble comes with this new found slapping issue. He loves to raise his hands and smack to get a reaction out of whoever is around him. At only 12 months I have no idea what to do aside from redirection, and redirection doesn't work for beans. He'll then slap *me* as I'm picking him up or moving him. If I take his hand and hold it he'll take his other one and swat at me or in my direction, if I take that one and hold it once I let them both go I'll get anything from complete whomp at my face on down to just a tiny air swish.....but he's never one to just let it go if you understand what I mean.

I feel this is escalating as he thoroughly enjoys antagonizing others. I understand a lot of it is largely normal testing, but with this kiddo in particular I sense that if I don't play this game right from the get go he is the type that it could get out of hand with, and fast. At pick up he decks his mom in the face and it pains her and I both to see him act like that. At home she does put him on time out and has said she's gently slapped his fingers but that just causes him to get angry and do it more. Both mom and dad are fantastic and we're all just looking for some help as to how to get a grip on his 'tude, if that's even possible at this point.

Much thanks for any suggestions or advice

[Leigh]

I've got a kiddo who is physically and mentally well beyond 12 months. He was cruising at 7 months, walking at 8 and running by 9. He is super strong and although he's still largely non verbal he's a pretty smart cookie. My trouble is and he tests authority as if he was smack dab in the middle of his terrible twos. It's pretty near constant at this point. An example, while I'm making lunch no one is allowed in the kitchen. My living room is dedicated to my infants. There is plenty to occupy him and he's not particularly clingy but wouldn't you know the second he sees me starting up lunch he will bee line for the stove with this snarky little grin on his face. He shows zero interest in the kitchen all day otherwise but as soon as he knows I'll keep him out of there he HAS to get in. All I do is put him back in the living room.....over and over and over again. he will literally toe the line between carpet and laminate sorting out how far he can push it. He'll pitch toys into the kitchen so he has a reason to cross (I think this is hilarious and demonstrates just how smart he is but for obvious safety reasons I need a clear boundary). Every single day is a power struggle. The bigs are fine playing on their own and my other two littles don't test at all so it's no big deal to remain consistent, but if that just gives you an idea of his personality at this point.

My trouble comes with this new found slapping issue. He loves to raise his hands and smack to get a reaction out of whoever is around him. At only 12 months I have no idea what to do aside from redirection, and redirection doesn't work for beans. He'll then slap *me* as I'm picking him up or moving him. If I take his hand and hold it he'll take his other one and swat at me or in my direction, if I take that one and hold it once I let them both go I'll get anything from complete whomp at my face on down to just a tiny air swish.....but he's never one to just let it go if you understand what I mean.

I feel this is escalating as he thoroughly enjoys antagonizing others. I understand a lot of it is largely normal testing, but with this kiddo in particular I sense that if I don't play this game right from the get go he is the type that it could get out of hand with, and fast. At pick up he decks his mom in the face as gennd it pains her and I both to see him act like that. At home she does put him on time out and has said she'tly slapped his fingers but that just causes him to get angry and do it more. Both mom and dad are fantastic and we're all just looking for some help as to how to get a grip on his 'tude, if that's even possible at this point.

Much thanks for any suggestions or advice

The part about you being in the kitchen was something I went through with my own son. Turns out, he didn't like me having my back to him. Whether I was in the kitchen, putting on makeup at the bathroom counter, washing the windows-he would freak whenever I turned my back to him and come over and try to push me away from the counter or window or whatever. He would step between me and the counter and then be fine. That grin means that you are rewarding him with whatever it is he wants from you and he is expecting it again.

The slapping is very common at this age. The parents hitting the kid for hitting is just flat out stupid. They're turning it into a hitting game. They need to understand that under NO circumstances is it OK to hit a baby or any other human being. EVER. At this age, they are really too young for time-outs, but I would set up a playpen with a few favorite toys in there, and when slapping occurs, set the child in there for a very short time (a minute), after telling him "no hitting...time-out". This phase it usually very short-lived. As alarming as it is to caregivers, it's normal. I can not stress enough how much the parents need to quit the slapping...it is teaching him that hitting is OK, that it's a fun game, it's what grown ups do, and it's OK to hit when you feel like it. When I interview, I ask parents to tell me how they deal with discipline and punishment. I don't like to even take kids into my home that are hit in their homes-these kids are the most difficult to deal with IMO.

We just need to remember that it's a kid's job to rebel-it really is. We need to try to understand their thoughts and feelings and treat them as individuals while enforcing our group rules.

[Willow]

The part about you being in the kitchen was something I went through with my own son. Turns out, he didn't like me having my back to him. Whether I was in the kitchen, putting on makeup at the bathroom counter, washing the windows-he would freak whenever I turned my back to him and come over and try to push me away from the counter or window or whatever. He would step between me and the counter and then be fine. That grin means that you are rewarding him with whatever it is he wants from you and he is expecting it again.

The slapping is very common at this age. The parents hitting the kid for hitting is just flat out stupid. They're turning it into a hitting game. They need to understand that under NO circumstances is it OK to hit a baby or any other human being. EVER. At this age, they are really too young for time-outs, but I would set up a playpen with a few favorite toys in there, and when slapping occurs, set the child in there for a very short time (a minute), after telling him "no hitting...time-out". This phase it usually very short-lived. As alarming as it is to caregivers, it's normal. I can not stress enough how much the parents need to quit the slapping...it is teaching him that hitting is OK, that it's a fun game, it's what grown ups do, and it's OK to hit when you feel like it. When I interview, I ask parents to tell me how they deal with discipline and punishment. I don't like to even take kids into my home that are hit in their homes-these kids are the most difficult to deal with IMO.

We just need to remember that it's a kid's job to rebel-it really is. We need to try to understand their thoughts and feelings and treat them as individuals while enforcing our group rules.

He isn't freaking out when I'm in the kitchen though. He is securely attached and plays independently wonderfully. I've had him here since he was 6 weeks old and he feels safe enough in this environment to not need to be at my feet every minute of the day.

I do agree the grin means he is mastering the art of manipulation though, and that that is typical at some point in every toddlers life


Although I don't use corporal punishment on my daycare kids or my own children I disagree that what his parents are doing is any kind of abuse. Might not be the most productive approach (in my opinion, or yours), but I think it's great they're taking it seriously and are at least trying to do something as opposed to parents who will do nothing or worse yet encourage aggressive behaviors. It's not my job to control how other people parent when they're at home and nothing I've seen in him or they've shared directly indicates they're harming him in any way.

Time outs are prohibited as far as licensing regs go (even if it's just for a minute) and he can nearly climb out of a pack and play so I've been transitioning him to a mat for naps. That blip aside my pack and plays are in my playroom where the big kids play and I wouldn't feel comfortable having him back there out of my sight. Although I adore my very well behaved bigs I would be concerned he'd get out and into the bitty toys they take out during that time. I'm sure they'd tattle, but it's not their job to supervise him. It only takes a second to get into trouble and I'm not into taking chances with him being as mobile as he is.

I don't think anyone is alarmed, just concerned and trying to be proactive as he is obviously a bit more ahead of the game than many his age

[Lorna]

I would put him in a playpen in the living room if you can't get him to stay out of the kitchen. Every new kid I've had always tries the following me into the kitchen. At first I gated off the living room so they couldn't follow me. But now I just turn the child around and say "NO" very sternly and walk them back to the living room. Repeat, repeat repeat. Usually it only lasts a couple of days. When kids first start it usually is a bit of power struggle with some. Test the waters see what they can get away with. If you let a child be the boss they will.

As for slapping across the face. Again a very stern no. Any child hitting me or another child I make sure I nip it in the butt quickly. Otherwise he will start hitting other kids. I would talk to the parents as well. How did he learn that? Someone slapping him in the face? To keep from getting hit turn him around. Pick him up so he is facing outwards.

[Heidi]

ok..so there are two different behaviors going on here, and even though they are both part of "him" and his personality, I think you have to look at them separately and act according to each one.

I guess the biggest question is why is he doing each behavior? What is the "pay-off"? In other words, what is he trying to obtain or avoid?

Is he doing it for attention? Have you ever laughed when he's done it ? Is he hungry but too young to understand time?

Where does he eat? Is that within site of you when you prepare food? If so, perhaps you can set him in his chair with a puzzle, toy, book, etc. Ideally, you wouldn't want him in the kitchen if that's off limits. Just outside the door where the other babies play would be ok.

I wouldn't present it as a punishment, just a "hey, come sit down and I'll get you a puzzle". Do that consistently for a few weeks, then try again with free-play. It'll hopefully break the current cycle.

As far as the hitting, how about redirecting it into a clapping game or something? If he hits mom when she arrives, he may be trying to communicate "I missed you and I'm mad you were gone", but at 1, can't SAY that. Try something like "Your hitting mommy because you missed her. Kiss mama instead", or if you don't think that's it, "show mama how you CLAP with your hands".

Definitely hitting him is NOT the answer. I agree that while it's not "abuse", it counterproductive.

[daycarediva]

He sounds like a cute little stinker. I love how sneaky he is with tossing toys for a reason to go into the kitchen. Obviously a smart little guy!

He is probably enjoying the attention/rise he gets when he hits. I would try a couple of different things, depending on how well he responded.

When he slaps, an exaggerated "Ouch, you hurt me. OUCH. No hit!"

OR

zero expression/reaction face "NO" and remove your attention from him completely. Then of course, praise him for being gentle.

I also like Heidi's idea of giving him the words to use, just like any other kiddo. I can see that benefiting him, if he IS smart enough to understand, just lacking his own speech skills at the moment.

I agree, hitting him isn't going to help.

[Willow]

I would put him in a playpen in the living room if you can't get him to stay out of the kitchen. Every new kid I've had always tries the following me into the kitchen. At first I gated off the living room so they couldn't follow me. But now I just turn the child around and say "NO" very sternly and walk them back to the living room. Repeat, repeat repeat. Usually it only lasts a couple of days. When kids first start it usually is a bit of power struggle with some. Test the waters see what they can get away with. If you let a child be the boss they will.

As for slapping across the face. Again a very stern no. Any child hitting me or another child I make sure I nip it in the butt quickly. Otherwise he will start hitting other kids. I would talk to the parents as well. How did he learn that? Someone slapping him in the face? To keep from getting hit turn him around. Pick him up so he is facing outwards.

Completely agree!

As to where he got it I don't think anyone has ever hit him in the face. He shows zero fear of anyone and no indication anyone has ever struck him. Most stern no's will upset the other 12 month old I have to the point of tears but they get more grins from him. His mom and dad are teen parents (although they are by far my best despite their ages) and therefor don't live together. Mom has said he wrestles around with his uncles and dad quite a bit and she thinks that's where it originated from, just rough play in general, because he'll also turn tail and try to sit on or flop down belly first on others on the floor. I could see where they thought it was a great outlet for his size and energy level, unfortunately he's just too young to understand the ramifications of engaging in that sort of behavior with others. It's definitely fueled now by the reactions he gets from the other kids here so mom has asked dad and uncles to cool it. I believe they have but the "damage" has sort of already been done.

Mom reports dad is a mush and there is some sorting out they need to do to get on the same page or I absolutely believe this kiddo has the potential to push the boss line. I can't express enough though they have the best of intentions and dad has responded well to our discussions....like many he's just very "green" but also very willing to learn.


I love the suggestion of picking him up facing outward. Definitely going to do that and offer it to mom too because pick up time is such a struggle for her lately with him swatting her left and right.

Thank you

[Willow]

ok..so there are two different behaviors going on here, and even though they are both part of "him" and his personality, I think you have to look at them separately and act according to each one.

I guess the biggest question is why is he doing each behavior? What is the "pay-off"? In other words, what is he trying to obtain or avoid?

Love these questions! I'm typically great at picking apart a problem like that it never occurred to me to do it here, he's just got me in the "well now, what the heck anyways....." kind of flustered state lately

Honestly? I think he is smack dab in the middle of discovering that his actions can cause a reaction and that's it. If I do x I know y will happen next. He does the same thing at lunch....if he pitches his plate he knows he's going to be taken down, if he dumps the bucket of legos he just stands there with a smirk knowing I'll come over and we'll pick them up together, if the other 12 month old is coming near him when he has a toy he really likes he'll swing his arms around him like a helicopter and watch as she backs off, it's crazy, like he knows just how to create a little bubble around himself. I don't see anything malicious about any of it, and it's not always about soliciting attention, just seems like he's learning how the world around him ebbs and flows depending on what he does if that makes sense.

Have you ever laughed when he's done it ? Is he hungry but too young to understand time?

Never laughed or lofted into giving it too much attention. I observe but try not to intervene unless I have to.

He is GIANT for his age, but eats appropriate amounts and at appropriate times (at least while he is here). Even as a baby baby he didn't so much as whine between bottles so I don't think it's like he's jonesing to get into the kitchen for grub.

Where does he eat? Is that within site of you when you prepare food? If so, perhaps you can set him in his chair with a puzzle, toy, book, etc. Ideally, you wouldn't want him in the kitchen if that's off limits. Just outside the door where the other babies play would be ok.

I wouldn't present it as a punishment, just a "hey, come sit down and I'll get you a puzzle". Do that consistently for a few weeks, then try again with free-play. It'll hopefully break the current cycle.

Phenomenal idea. I have an open floor plan with kitchen, living room and dining room all as one. I could definitely set him in his highchair while I get lunch set up and see how he takes to that. I fear he will think it great fun to pitch the toys off because I've stifled his game but it's definitely worth a shot!

As far as the hitting, how about redirecting it into a clapping game or something? If he hits mom when she arrives, he may be trying to communicate "I missed you and I'm mad you were gone", but at 1, can't SAY that. Try something like "Your hitting mommy because you missed her. Kiss mama instead", or if you don't think that's it, "show mama how you CLAP with your hands".

With pick up I think it largely revolves around his desire to GO. Mom usually wants to chat for a minute but once he's up in her arms he'll turn his body towards the door and lean/lunge that direction. She will tell him just a moment, but he's ready and won't take a "just a moment sweetie" for anything.

A lot of times it'll start out as clapping, like pay attention to me! and charge up to him swinging. I'm not sure how to unrev that behavior. He won't just keep playing while we chat, once she's in the door he wants up and out. He understands the routine and definitely expects it all to chug along on his terms.


Thank you for helping me pick through this!

[Familycare71]

Although I don't use corporal punishment on my daycare kids or my own children I disagree that what his parents are doing is any kind of abuse. Might not be the most productive approach (in my opinion, or yours), but I think it's great they're taking it seriously and are at least trying to do something as opposed to parents who will do nothing or worse yet encourage aggressive behaviors. It's not my job to control how other people parent when they're at home and nothing I've seen in him or they've shared directly indicates they're harming him in any way.

Amen!!! Love how a honest question gets turned into a lecture on discipline! Ugh!

Anyway- I like the idea of a highchair play area.... Sounds like it would solve that problem and keep him from "crossing the line" . Also- my guess is - he doesn't like being "stuck" and may be a deterant as well!
As far as hitting- I would probably turn him around on my lap (with a bear hug if nessecary to keep from getting hit) and quietly whisper why we are sitting. I would wait for him to relax and then ask if he is ready to play kindly (if that is within his understanding) or tell him - ok now we are going to get up keeping our hands to ourselves. I think maybe the face to face when he is worked up may be too much temptation for him to not seek another slap interaction.

He does sound like a smart cookie!!

[Play Care]

Where does he eat? Is that within site of you when you prepare food? If so, perhaps you can set him in his chair with a puzzle, toy, book, etc. Ideally, you wouldn't want him in the kitchen if that's off limits. Just outside the door where the other babies play would be ok.

I do this with all my littles. I have a great room kind of set up so they sit at the table and "help" while I cook.

[Heidi]

Love these questions! I'm typically great at picking apart a problem like that it never occurred to me to do it here, he's just got me in the "well now, what the heck anyways....." kind of flustered state lately

Honestly? I think he is smack dab in the middle of discovering that his actions can cause a reaction and that's it. If I do x I know y will happen next. He does the same thing at lunch....if he pitches his plate he knows he's going to be taken down, if he dumps the bucket of legos he just stands there with a smirk knowing I'll come over and we'll pick them up together, if the other 12 month old is coming near him when he has a toy he really likes he'll swing his arms around him like a helicopter and watch as she backs off, it's crazy, like he knows just how to create a little bubble around himself. I don't see anything malicious about any of it, and it's not always about soliciting attention, just seems like he's learning how the world around him ebbs and flows depending on what he does if that makes sense.


Never laughed or lofted into giving it too much attention. I observe but try not to intervene unless I have to.

He is GIANT for his age, but eats appropriate amounts and at appropriate times (at least while he is here). Even as a baby baby he didn't so much as whine between bottles so I don't think it's like he's jonesing to get into the kitchen for grub.





Phenomenal idea. I have an open floor plan with kitchen, living room and dining room all as one. I could definitely set him in his highchair while I get lunch set up and see how he takes to that. I fear he will think it great fun to pitch the toys off because I've stifled his game but it's definitely worth a shot!





With pick up I think it largely revolves around his desire to GO. Mom usually wants to chat for a minute but once he's up in her arms he'll turn his body towards the door and lean/lunge that direction. She will tell him just a moment, but he's ready and won't take a "just a moment sweetie" for anything.

A lot of times it'll start out as clapping, like pay attention to me! and charge up to him swinging. I'm not sure how to unrev that behavior. He won't just keep playing while we chat, once she's in the door he wants up and out. He understands the routine and definitely expects it all to chug along on his terms.


Thank you for helping me pick through this!

You're welcome...

If he chucks the toys, they're gone. I'd look at him and say "oops, you dropped the toys. Sorry to see you loose them" with a totally blank look on your face. When he whines/kicks/what-ever-he-does, just keep talking roses-and-sunshine to him and anyone else who will listen.

As for picking it apart, I've been going through Pyramid Model/SEFEL training, and last night's (7 or 8) session was the best one...and it was all about "picking it apart". This particular training was about dealing with those 5% of kids that don't respond to conventional strategies. It was almost worth waiting 7 3-hour sessions for...

I posted the link to the tools on another thread, but here they are again.

http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/strategies.html