20 Month Old Not Listening

[cmclean24]

I have 5 children all under 2 and all of them listen, except 1!
I feel I am doing very well and keeping things very consistent, especially for all of the children to follow the same "rules"
I am having trouble with this one child chewing on books, throwing toys, pushing other children, throwing food and bottle around, grabbing other children's toys out of their hand, sharing, carrying toys into the kitchen and having several crying fits throughout the day which invloves kicking and screaming and throwing things. I have not brought all of this up to the parents yet, only a few things, because the child has only been here 2 weeks and I thought maybe it was due to getting used to the new place, new children and myself along with new rules. I do not tell her "no" anymore because she just screams and doesn't listen so I redirect her and explain what I would like her to do, such as, please keep the toys in the living room, or take the book out of your mouth, etc but she just drops whatever she has in her hand, or she will just drop herself onto the floor on her bum, but wont listen, just cry or stare at me and not move. I then take her hand to show her where I would like her to go in case she doesn't know what I mean, even though I'm sure she does, she will just let go of my hand and make her feet limp so she wont walk and follow my instructions..it becomes extremely frustrating because even 1 year olds follow my instructions but she is going to be 2 soon and I feel she isn't used to follow rules at home as the way her parents seem are that she gets away with a lot, as the parents even chuckle when they see her acting out when she gets dropped off and picked up and says shes just a little drama queen..please help!

[JoseyJo]

I have 5 children all under 2 and all of them listen, except 1!
I feel I am doing very well and keeping things very consistent, especially for all of the children to follow the same "rules"
I am having trouble with this one child chewing on books, throwing toys, pushing other children, throwing food and bottle around, grabbing other children's toys out of their hand, sharing, carrying toys into the kitchen and having several crying fits throughout the day which invloves kicking and screaming and throwing things. I have not brought all of this up to the parents yet, only a few things, because the child has only been here 2 weeks and I thought maybe it was due to getting used to the new place, new children and myself along with new rules. I do not tell her "no" anymore because she just screams and doesn't listen so I redirect her and explain what I would like her to do, such as, please keep the toys in the living room, or take the book out of your mouth, etc but she just drops whatever she has in her hand, or she will just drop herself onto the floor on her bum, but wont listen, just cry or stare at me and not move. I then take her hand to show her where I would like her to go in case she doesn't know what I mean, even though I'm sure she does, she will just let go of my hand and make her feet limp so she wont walk and follow my instructions..it becomes extremely frustrating because even 1 year olds follow my instructions but she is going to be 2 soon and I feel she isn't used to follow rules at home as the way her parents seem are that she gets away with a lot, as the parents even chuckle when they see her acting out when she gets dropped off and picked up and says shes just a little drama queen..please help!

We take 18 months and up so we get A LOT of this type of thing when new children start (probably 75% of the time). Most of the time they have been at home, or with a SAHM up until then so they are not used to "rules". I always allow at least 4 weeks (sometimes 6 depending on personality type) for a 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 year old to adapt to the new environment. Younger and older kids seem to adjust sooner, but in my experience that age group tests a lot more before settling in to the new environment. Hang in there and use my 2 favorite quotes from this website as needed - "Rinse and Repeat" and "It's tough to be a toddler"

[Leigh]

I have 5 children all under 2 and all of them listen, except 1!
I feel I am doing very well and keeping things very consistent, especially for all of the children to follow the same "rules"
I am having trouble with this one child chewing on books, throwing toys, pushing other children, throwing food and bottle around, grabbing other children's toys out of their hand, sharing, carrying toys into the kitchen and having several crying fits throughout the day which invloves kicking and screaming and throwing things. I have not brought all of this up to the parents yet, only a few things, because the child has only been here 2 weeks and I thought maybe it was due to getting used to the new place, new children and myself along with new rules. I do not tell her "no" anymore because she just screams and doesn't listen so I redirect her and explain what I would like her to do, such as, please keep the toys in the living room, or take the book out of your mouth, etc but she just drops whatever she has in her hand, or she will just drop herself onto the floor on her bum, but wont listen, just cry or stare at me and not move. I then take her hand to show her where I would like her to go in case she doesn't know what I mean, even though I'm sure she does, she will just let go of my hand and make her feet limp so she wont walk and follow my instructions..it becomes extremely frustrating because even 1 year olds follow my instructions but she is going to be 2 soon and I feel she isn't used to follow rules at home as the way her parents seem are that she gets away with a lot, as the parents even chuckle when they see her acting out when she gets dropped off and picked up and says shes just a little drama queen..please help!

It's easy to take this stuff personally, but really, it's probably just normal tantruming. I don't expect a child 2 or under to listen all the time or to follow all rules and directions, I just keep working on it and know that someday it will happen.

You may want to discuss with the parents how they want to address the behaviors and what you suggest. I stress to parents that we NEED to be on the same page and enforcing the same rules the same way to be fair to the children. I let them think that they are contributing, but usually, things go my way because I keep control of the conversation. I don't have to come right out and say it, but my words and my tone imply that things go my way or the child is in danger of being termed.

With changes in how behavior is addressed in children of ANY age, things always get worse before they get better (I mean rock bottom crazy for some kids). Keep following through with teaching the rules and it will fall into place. Kids this age are just starting to understand directions and rules, but they really, truly lack the self-control to follow them consistently. Just remember that yelling, excessive time-outs, etc. make things worse (no matter how much they make YOU feel better). A good kid is a kid who feels good about herself. Repeat this to yourself over and over. Just find a way to make it happen and remember that this is a horrible age for kids to have a change in caregiver and you need to form an attachment to the child before the child will EVER try to please you.

[melilley]

I have the same child here! He is also what I call my "tornado"! He is everywhere and doesn't listen to a darn thing! I know he can hear because he will do some things or knows to sit for lunch if I say it's lunch time!
He too will scream, cry and throw himself when it's not going his way! Hopefully they will grow out of it!

[Heidi]

I'd say all of what you're describing is very typical of some almost-2 year olds. Still, it can be a challenge to deal with, no question. My 21 mo. here is just as intense some days. He's recently learned to climb out of his bed at home, which has led to some sleep deprivation. Those are the worst days for him.

I found this article that might give you some insight:

http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/inftodd/mod1/1.13.pdf

Sounds like you are doing a good job redirecting. Don't forget lots of positive attention, modeling language for her, and if possible, ignore the drama.

[melilley]

It's easy to take this stuff personally, but really, it's probably just normal tantruming. I don't expect a child 2 or under to listen all the time or to follow all rules and directions, I just keep working on it and know that someday it will happen.

You may want to discuss with the parents how they want to address the behaviors and what you suggest. I stress to parents that we NEED to be on the same page and enforcing the same rules the same way to be fair to the children. I let them think that they are contributing, but usually, things go my way because I keep control of the conversation. I don't have to come right out and say it, but my words and my tone imply that things go my way or the child is in danger of being termed.

With changes in how behavior is addressed in children of ANY age, things always get worse before they get better (I mean rock bottom crazy for some kids). Keep following through with teaching the rules and it will fall into place. Kids this age are just starting to understand directions and rules, but they really, truly lack the self-control to follow them consistently. Just remember that yelling, excessive time-outs, etc. make things worse (no matter how much they make YOU feel better). A good kid is a kid who feels good about herself. Repeat this to yourself over and over. Just find a way to make it happen and remember that this is a horrible age for kids to have a change in caregiver and you need to form an attachment to the child before the child will EVER try to please you.

What you have said is so true! My "tornado" used to be a biter. I constantly was redirecting him and showing him nice touches. He bit occasionally at home so his parents and I came up with a plan so we were on the same page as of what to do when he bit....and it seemed to work. He no longer bites, but does everything else that is typical for his age.
Also, it takes time after time after time for children to recognize and understand directions and rules when they are that age. I didn't term because of exactly what you said-this age is horrible age for kids to have a change in caregiver and I thought I would keep working with him. Not every child is going to be perfect...although that would be nice, but maybe boring... Great post!