Sore Loser

[daycare]

My own child who is 5.5 has a really hard time with losing. He does it with everyone. His peers, parents, older siblings.

I have tried to tell him that winning is not important, that it's about having fun. BUt he does not respond to this.

I do have to admit, that I recall as a child that I was much like this myself. I think maybe sometimes I still am. My motto when I was a little child that I will never be a sore loser, because I will never lose. I do recall many occasions as a child that I acted out of frustration because I lost. My husband was much the same way as a child. NOW we see it in our own child.

Does anyone have any tips on how to cure this?? I thought that after all my years of coaching sports that I could help him most, but nothing I say works.

[sharlan]

That's a hard one. I have one child now who will quit any game he's not winning. I haven't managed to get through to him, either.

[daycarediva]

My own 5 year old is like this. He is SUPER competitive and athletic and loves sports. I didn't enroll him in Tball again this year because last year he would hold it in if they lost and cry when we got home. Get this, THEY DIDN'T EVEN KEEP SCORE! DS COUNTED AND KEPT SCORE IN HIS HEAD!!!

My dh is like that, and I have NO advice but only an empathetic ear!

[Blackcat31]

Does anyone have any tips on how to cure this?? I thought that after all my years of coaching sports that I could help him most, but nothing I say works.

Yep.

I took a class on things like this (common early childhood issues that occur in group or peer settings...LOL!)

What you need to do is set up or organize games with your family or with his friends or peers.

STOP the game in the middle and put it away.

No winners or losers.

Talk with him about what he enjoyed about "playing" the game.

When he watches a movie. Stop the movie in the middle and tell him no more movie. Talk with him about what parts of the movie he did enjoy.

While reading a book to him. Stop reading when there are still a few pages left. Talk with him about what parts he did enjoy.

Rinse and repeat as much and as often as necessary.

This helps kids understand that there doesn't HAVE to be an ending or a solution.

There doesn't have to be a winner and/or a loser.

The point is to have fun WHILE doing it and to NOT focus on the outcome, ONLY the process.

Hope that makes sense. (I'm typing on my phone while outside)

[daycare]

Yep.

I took a class on things like this (common early childhood issues that occur in group or peer settings...LOL!)

What you need to do is set up or organize games with your family or with his friends or peers.

STOP the game in the middle and put it away.

No winners or losers.

Talk with him about what he enjoyed about "playing" the game.

When he watches a movie. Stop the movie in the middle and tell him no more movie. Talk with him about what parts of the movie he did enjoy.

While reading a book to him. Stop reading when there are still a few pages left. Talk with him about what parts he did enjoy.

Rinse and repeat as much and as often as necessary.

This helps kids understand that there doesn't HAVE to be an ending or a solution.

There doesn't have to be a winner and/or a loser.

The point is to have fun WHILE doing it and to NOT focus on the outcome, ONLY the process.

Hope that makes sense. (I'm typing on my phone while outside)

OMG BC Genius....................... I am so on this... Now I have to get daddy on board too.......

[Willow]

My son recently went through a phase like this.

While I agree pulling the game in the middle may be reasonable management it's not going to actually solve the problem. He needs to learn how to work through those feelings of disappointment and anger.

We started out with short games like tic tac toe. Made a sportsman ship rule, no bragging, and at the end of the game the players had to shake hands and tell each other good game regardless of how it went. We told him if he could manage that we'd all celebrate a good game with a treat (tootsie roll) and play again. Worked great for awhile but when we started playing tougher games with longer time invested you could see it building. The trick was to get him talking about where he was at to validate what he was experiencing, then remind him it's all just a game. I think it's really easy for boys ( and even grown men sometimes) to remember that winning whatever isn't the end all be all. Life goes on afterward .

If he cooperated and worked through those tough spots again we'd shake hands and celebrate with a tootsie or gummy worm. If he flubbed and lost his cool he wasn't allowed to play any other games with anyone else the rest of the day (and I made sure on those days we played lots to amp up his drive to try harder to control his angst next time).

Lasted several weeks but now he'll stop himself mid game and go "grrr! This stinks! I'm going to go get a drink and cool down, be back in a sec" if he catches himself getting too caught up in the moment.


He's super competitive (totally gets that from me), and I know working to fine tune that skill of self control in life is going to be well worth it for him.

[Blackcat31]

My son recently went through a phase like this.

While I agree pulling the game in the middle may be reasonable management it's not going to actually solve the problem. He needs to learn how to work through those feelings of disappointment and anger.

We started out with short games like tic tac toe. Made a sportsman ship rule, no bragging, and at the end of the game the players had to shake hands and tell each other good game regardless of how it went. We told him if he could manage that we'd all celebrate a good game with a treat (tootsie roll) and play again. Worked great for awhile but when we started playing tougher games with longer time invested you could see it building. The trick was to get him talking about where he was at to validate what he was experiencing, then remind him it's all just a game. I think it's really easy for boys ( and even grown men sometimes) to remember that winning whatever isn't the end all be all. Life goes on afterward .

If he cooperated and worked through those tough spots again we'd shake hands and celebrate with a tootsie or gummy worm. If he flubbed and lost his cool he wasn't allowed to play any other games with anyone else the rest of the day (and I made sure on those days we played lots to amp up his drive to try harder to control his angst next time).

Lasted several weeks but now he'll stop himself mid game and go "grrr! This stinks! I'm going to go get a drink and cool down, be back in a sec" if he catches himself getting too caught up in the moment.


He's super competitive (totally gets that from me), and I know working to fine tune that skill of self control in life is going to be well worth it for him.

I disagree that it doesn't solve the issue. I think that simply stopping the game helps the anxiety and most kids who are poor losers start games with anxiety about winning (or not winning) from the moment the game starts.

If you don't address and fix those anxiety levels, then you can't address the rest of the issue (which I think is where your suggestion comes in at).

In my class, we were shown brain scans of kids who were identified as poor losers and the amount of anxiety and stress they had before a game started was unreal. I was really surprised at this.

They said that you have to help them find another reason to play (a different outcome other than winning or losing) FIRST before you can help them become a good sport about it.

Kids can't be good winners or good losers until they learn to enjoy the game first. Dealing with the outcomes should happen after that.

That is why most team sports for kids under a certain age aren't games that keep score.

AFTER a kid understands the enjoyment of actually playing and playing for NO OUTCOME, then you can begin the process of helping them be good winners and good losers.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Yep.

I took a class on things like this (common early childhood issues that occur in group or peer settings...LOL!)

What you need to do is set up or organize games with your family or with his friends or peers.

STOP the game in the middle and put it away.

No winners or losers.

Talk with him about what he enjoyed about "playing" the game.

When he watches a movie. Stop the movie in the middle and tell him no more movie. Talk with him about what parts of the movie he did enjoy.

While reading a book to him. Stop reading when there are still a few pages left. Talk with him about what parts he did enjoy.

Rinse and repeat as much and as often as necessary.

This helps kids understand that there doesn't HAVE to be an ending or a solution.

There doesn't have to be a winner and/or a loser.

The point is to have fun WHILE doing it and to NOT focus on the outcome, ONLY the process.

Hope that makes sense. (I'm typing on my phone while outside)

What great advice! Storing that away in my mental rolodex.

[Willow]

I disagree that it doesn't solve the issue. I think that simply stopping the game helps the anxiety and most kids who are poor losers start games with anxiety about winning (or not winning) from the moment the game starts.

If you don't address and fix those anxiety levels, then you can't address the rest of the issue (which I think is where your suggestion comes in at).

In my class, we were shown brain scans of kids who were identified as poor losers and the amount of anxiety and stress they had before a game started was unreal. I was really surprised at this.

They said that you have to help them find another reason to play (a different outcome other than winning or losing) FIRST before you can help them become a good sport about it.

Kids can't be good winners or good losers until they learn to enjoy the game first. Dealing with the outcomes should happen after that.

That is why most team sports for kids under a certain age aren't games that keep score.

AFTER a kid understands the enjoyment of actually playing and playing for NO OUTCOME, then you can begin the process of helping them be good winners and good losers.

Ok, now I understand. For kiddos who REALLY struggle to the point it causes anxiety taking a step even before working the end result can be beneficial. I could definitely see that.

Thank you for explaining further

[daycare]

My son def builds up some anxiety while playing. every time someone ends a turn he will ask "am I still winning?" who's winning?

I do have the rule that if you start the game you finish it. I do this because he will often want to stop playing if he is not winning..I don;t allow quitting.

So how do I still follow through with what I told him before? DO i just drop it and start doing what you stated???

[Unregistered]

I could see the stopping the game in the middle causing more anxiety. The child may still be losing and not get to complete the process and be anxious due to the fact they weren't able to finish the game and possibly win. To see the end result and what it would be.

I know I can't do things 1/2 way because it causes so much stress/anxiety to me. End result or nothing (scrapbooking, crafts, puzzles, paperwork, etc.) Drives me up the wall. I also have to watch an entire movie/tv show. I can't start it in the middle and finish-have to see the entire thing.

Once he gets into school he will probably have a wake up call and see he won't always be the winner and won't be allowed to through a fit. There will be lots of opportunity for him to learn sportsmanship in school.

[Blackcat31]

My son def builds up some anxiety while playing. every time someone ends a turn he will ask "am I still winning?" who's winning?

I do have the rule that if you start the game you finish it. I do this because he will often want to stop playing if he is not winning..I don;t allow quitting.

So how do I still follow through with what I told him before? DO i just drop it and start doing what you stated???

I wouldn't allow him to decide when he gets to quit. YOU be the one to decide when the game is over. It's important to end the game BEFORE he reaches the point of wanting to quit. (you'll just end up in a giant power struggle if you FORCE him to continue playing).

The point is to end it WHILE he is having fun. If you end it when he gets mad, that just reinforces his wanting to win.

You'll have to get good at "reading" his cues and knowing the right time to call it over...kwim?

Like ending the movie at a good part or a cliff hanger, or ending the story right before he finds out what is going to happen...

[daycare]

hmmmmmmmmmmm you hAVE ME THINING

I am like that too. I am not OCD, but if I start something, I won't sleep

[Blackcat31]

Sounds like this might be a good thing for you too!